To think MIL is unfair

[pnbjelly]

Background story as not to drop feed.

DS 4 and DD 2.

Known DP since we were kids etc grew apart went our own ways etc.

Was with ex many years and had DS. Ex cheated and left when DS was a newborn.

Got with DP when DS was 13 months old. Couldn't be happier he's amazing to my son and treats him like his own he adores him. Couldn't ask for more.

Fell pregnant with DD (a surprise, but very welcomed).

All very happy in our little family. The only problem is MIL. She obviously treats DS differently to DD and it's really winding me up. Not that it matters but my DS is an absolute angel such a loving sweet boy. It's really hurting me that she would do this. DP has mentioned it as really hurts him too but she denies it and causes arguments. I just worry now my sons getting older he will start to pick up on it.

AIBU to say you either treat them the same or don't bother with either??

I would never get really close to another child that i wasn't blood related to, or adopted by my DDs. I've had too many ex female Partners cut our side of the Family out and it's heartbreaking when you've fully attached to that child.

Having said that, even if my Grandchild was playing with another child, i'd bring sweets etc in for both. I regularly took a friend to my Nan's, growing up and she would have something for both of us. It's what any decent person would do.

She needs to be told straight that she doesn't give to one without the other, excluding Birthdays etc. She especially doesn't voice anything that makes your DS feel second best.

If she wants to show a difference, she does it in her Will, or when they are Adults and your DS is strong minded enough to think, Stuff You.

The balance of things could shift, your DS has another side of the Family, more than your DD has, so it isn't fair to cut your DD off.

I would insist on equal treatment or she doesn't see either child anymore. Very damaging and spiteful behaviour.

Dont have the phone on speaker, so that the child cannot hear the conversations. Then, as you have said, get DP to have a chat with her.

I don't have experience with step-relationships but I think that it's impolite to go to the house with children and take a present only to one child (except it's child's birthday).
your DP needs to addressing this. It's not nice.
But on the other side your son has other grandparents involvement, your DD- not. Someone mentioned your DP going to MIL with your DD while you have special one to one time with your son. It could be some sort of compromise from time to time.
could your MIL be more "obsessed" with your DD because she is a girl ? Has she got a daughter?

If she's not seeing it; then can either of you point it out whenever she does it? Like the phone thing - :I can't wait to see DD", you should reply "what about DS". Every time, so she realised she's doing it and that everyone is noticing it.

You and your partner have decided to be a unit and he loves your son as his own - that should be more than enough for his mother to make the effort. You're not asking anything unreasonable. I was seeing someone and I have 2 kids; after about a year, we took the kids to see his parents and he sent a txt as we got in the car saying "Ava and I are just heading over with the kids" and when we got there, his mum was a little teary eyed and just said the txt was just so lovely and she'd always wanted to be able to say "my son and his kids" etc. So, it's not unheard of for non-biological grandparents to really want to try and be part of the family. She might just need a little help realising that it's ok to treat them equally and her "real" grand-daughter won't miss out; there's plenty of attention to go around.

Good luck with the conversations coming up!

birds that's a shame. How about in laws? You could apply those same principles. You can't avoid forming bonds with people based on the fact you may not seee them again if there's a break up.
Two of my closest allies are my ex sil and my lovely Dil. Both could disappear at a moments notice but our friendship would hopefully stand the test.

Are you sure she doesn't favour your dd because she's a girl? It may have nothing to do with your ds not being blood related. She had a good relationship with him before your dd arrived, so not being blood related didn't seem to bother her.

Doesn't make it any better obviously, but I've seen it happen a lot. Did she have all boys?

Yeah all boys. My DD is only girl in family.

I think it's probably because your dd is a girl then. I doubt it's anything to do with your ds not being blood related, it wouldn't make any sense, they were close before your dd was born.

Are the little gifts girly outfits and hair bands etc? Things she couldn’t easily pick up two sets of when she sees them in a store?

If so, maybe she genuinely just can’t see what she is doing.

pnb I'm guilty of that even with my own DC! I'm forever buying DD school hair accessories because I think they look pretty, but she never wears them!

Does your DS see his other grandmother- his father's mother? And does she also see your DD?
I think its hard for your MIL as she can't help the way she feels and did not know she was on loudspeaker.

In all honesty, you can't help how you feel and if she loves her blood GC more, it's just life and she can't help that.

She can, however, help and try to not to favour one more than the other, outwardly.

It's worth having a conversation with her when there are no kids about, saying it's really hurting him and it's ok if she loves GD more, but can you please make an effort not to hurt GS. Don't make threats or you'll argue, be sincere and honest.

It's also important that DS is protected from your feelings about this, that will hurt him.

Good luck. I'd like to see how this goes, I think it's a very common complaint.

And on the phone on Bluetooth in car saying to DP 'I'm looking forward to seeing DD' and DS said to me 'doesn't nanny want to see me' my heart literally broke and that was the breaking point for me. I will no longer talk to her. I think she's awful

No, that's awful and YADNBU. She may feel more loving towards dd as she's her biological grandchild, but you DON'T show it. You treat them the same.
How emotionally damaging and upsetting for your ds. Sounds like he's already starting to notice.
She treats them the same, and if she refuses or can't then I'd be keeping her the hell away for your son's sake.