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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBW to suspect that FWB has stolen my jewellery?

106 replies

Oakleygirl · 03/03/2018 22:27

Feeling really upset this evening....my FWB (of 7 months) appears to have stolen an expensive bracelet of mine. I left it at his last time I stayed there (3 weeks ago) and thought nothing of it as I imagined I would just get it back the next time we saw each other.....however, since then he has made arrangements to see me three times and then cancelled at the last minute.

I was supposed to see him tonight, never heard from him to confirm so messaged him just after 5 to ask what time to go over. He read message but didn't reply. I messaged again a couple of hours later to say I guessed he was busy but would need to pick up my bracelet and would knock when passing his to get it.

I went to his, (his car was outside) and called to ask him to pop out with the bracelet. It went to voicemail so I left a message asking if he could bring it out to me. He didn't so I knocked on the door, he didnt answer. He has now turned his phone off!

I am gutted as it was a present and he knows this. Can't believe he would do this, but what else can I think?

OP posts:

PrincessScarlett · 04/03/2018 13:50

He's definitely having sex with more than just you OP. Maybe he turned his phone off because he was with someone else or he thinks you are after more than just sex.

Don't threaten police (yet) as it might make him think you are a bit nuts but do message him/call him and simply ask when is convenient for you to come and collect your bracelet.

JacquesHammer · 04/03/2018 16:26

If a FWB is a friend you have sex with then how does that differ from a boyfriend?
I think men and women see this arrangement as very different. Most women would expect the arrangement to be exclusive. Most men would see it as a chance to have sex with whoever they want without being called a cheater.
I think the FWB situation only benefits one person, and it isn't the woman

I just wanted to respond to this. I have a FWB who is my best friend. It is absolutely the perfect arrangement for me. I'm not interested in dating/meeting men/having a serious long term relationship. I want sex, as does he.

The difference being that I know him and trust him to be more interested in my well fare than a one night stand from Tinder so it has no risk.

I agree that FWB doesn't work if both parties aren't on the same page but if you're up front and able to discuss the "rules" then there's no negatives from my point of view.

OP I think you need to remove the sex factor and simply text him and ask him when is convenient either for him to return your property or you to collect it.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 04/03/2018 16:36

You left the bracelet at his house. He did not steal it, you were careless. Now you are being a bit unhinged and stalkery. His phone might have run out of battery, he might have had things come up the other nights.

You haven’t even raised the issue of the bracelet with him let alone given him chance to make arrangements to return it that are convenient to him.

To jump straight from leaving it there to making accusations of theft without even raising the issue aside from turning up at his house and demanding he return it immediately when you don’t even know if he’s in is bonkers frankly, and I would also be avoiding you in this situation.

Send him a FB message asking him to contact you re making arrangements for you to collect the bracelet. And actually give him time to reply.

GrannyGrissle · 04/03/2018 16:46

The Police have a duty to 'be interested' so make a call to the non urgent number and arrange to meet a police person at the police station. Failing that notice of intention to take the lying fucker to the small claims court given you have a text confirming he has/had it. Give a deadline for it to be returned or it's value to be returned by x date or you'press ahead with SCC personally i would enclose an itemised bill for services rendered but i have zero shame

Jux · 04/03/2018 16:59

He had it, he's responsible for it until it's returned to you, so who cares whether someone else had taken it from him? No one.

If he let some9ne else have it then he needs to get it back from them. If he thinks some's nicked it from him then he can call the police h8mself, or they'll investigate on op's behalf when they go to talk to him about it.

Either way, it's not v relevant to op. She left it at his by mistake. He said he had it. He hasn't returned it and is actively avoiding doing so. So he either wants to keep it himself, or he's sold it, or he's given it away.

Call the police.

starlightafar · 04/03/2018 17:00

Fgs...stalky for wanting a bracelet back.
Jacques
Fair enough. Not for me. To me shagging my best friend would be a proper relationship. But each to their own and good you trust him.

BitchQueen90 · 04/03/2018 18:57

Jacques exactly the same boat with me. I'm a single parent and personally I don't want another man in my son's life, I think that stepfamily situations are more hassle than they're worth. But I don't want to live like a nun either and sometimes want some male company when DS is with my exh.

A relationship to me is someone you want to be a part of your life, someone you want a future with and to build foundations with. I don't want any of that with my FWB, I want sex and a laugh. And it's far better to do it with someone you are actually friends with rather than some random bloke off tinder or something.

OP's situation sounds like he has either met someone else or wants to break it off and is too much of a coward to say so. Either way you deserve to know what's happened to your property.

slothface · 04/03/2018 19:20

@jacques, I'm totally with you. I find the whole 'women can only get hurt by FWB situations actually very sexist because it perpetuates the stereotype that women can't have sex without getting attached.

I've had a very successful FWB relationship on and off for 10 years. Sometimes we'd see each other once or twice a week, go for dinner or days out, and other times we wouldn't speak for months if we both got busy with other stuff. I don't really see how you can assume that meeting up/hanging or with someone is a relationship without actually having that discussion first? I'd be pretty weirded out tbh if a guy I'd been hanging out with once or twice a week randomly started calling me his girlfriend without actually asking me to be! And I wouldn't assume anything was exclusive on either side unless that had been agreed.

During the 10 years I've been on and off with my FWB, both of us have seen other people. I've had a couple of boyfriends during which time I obviously stopped sleeping with the FWB, and he knew all of this, we tell each other if we're seeing other people because above all we're friends! The reason it works is because I like him enough to hang out with and shag, but not to enter into anything more serious with. It's great, there's never any obligation or jealousy. That's how a FWB should be imo

JacquesHammer · 05/03/2018 12:04

@BitchQueen90 - I could have written your post. I want a sexual raltionship without the rest of the relationship because I have a daughter. This arrangement is great because it is safe and yet gives us both what we need.

The reason it works is because I like him enough to hang out with and shag, but not to enter into anything more serious with. It's great, there's never any obligation or jealousy. That's how a FWB should be imo

Absolutely this.

Arealhumanbeing · 05/03/2018 12:28

OP people seem to be very invested in making you believe that he is sleeping with others or has met someone else. Don’t get it but try to ignore.

Sounds like you wouldn’t care anyway but certain individuals really appear to need that upset and distress from you. Possibly because you don’t match the utter shit that they believe about women in FWB situations.

No one knows the situation apart from him.

Ask him for your bracelet once more and then involve the police.

Arealhumanbeing · 05/03/2018 12:34

By definition, it is not a relationship.

Where is this definition written down? Buying a newspaper from someone is a relationship. We relate to each other in hundreds of different ways. Including sexually and emotionally.

Having children, paying bills and monogamy isn’t the only way.

Why are people so spiky about this matter?

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/03/2018 12:38

Love the turn of events discussion. Op hasn’t been back for 37 hours!

HollyBayTree · 05/03/2018 12:40

Failing that notice of intention to take the lying fucker to the small claims court given you have a text confirming he has/had it do this and you'll be laughed out of court. It isnt a contract. You would have to prove it was stolen. You cant.

The police wont care either.

Fact is, you left your bracelet somewhere, which probably has a fair bit of footfall, anyone could have swiped it. Probably his next shag.

starlightafar · 05/03/2018 12:55

Areal
Well no we arent posting upsetting stuff-report those you dont like
It isnt only the fact that FWB is basically a way to have sex but no commitment but that he wont answer the door, turns his phone off and ghosts someone he is supposedly friends with, and who are supposedly trusting of each other. Because he somehow wont return an expensive piece of jewellery.
Now in a relationship this would be reason to break up. But hell where a woman is only wanted for sex....anything goes.
'Cool' women justifying the arrangement are dragging down the standards which should be demanded by women from all men (and women), under the supposed guise of 'thats what I want'.
Keep convincing yourselves that that having an arrangement where you are ejaculated into with no respect is normal. At least sex workers get paid!

BitchQueen90 · 05/03/2018 14:27

starlight

I could argue that from what I've seen on this forum that my FWB has more respect for me than a lot of the DPs and DHs do. Just because you are married or in a relationship doesn't automatically mean that you are being treated with respect.

JacquesHammer · 05/03/2018 14:28

Now in a relationship this would be reason to break up. But hell where a woman is only wanted for sex....anything goes.
'Cool' women justifying the arrangement are dragging down the standards which should be demanded by women from all men (and women), under the supposed guise of 'thats what I want'.
Keep convincing yourselves that that having an arrangement where you are ejaculated into with no respect is normal. At least sex workers get paid

Hang on. Where is the lack of respect? We respect each other very much; we just don't want a "traditional" relationship for a myriad of reasons. Why do women who don't want to be in a relationship responsible for maintain standards of those who do?! And indeed, why is a mutually beneficial, safe arrangement a lack of standards?! Who is setting these arbitary standards?

BitchQueen90 · 05/03/2018 14:30

Oh, and you don't get to set the "standards" of what is expected in relationships. The 2 people in the relationship get to do that.

BitchQueen90 · 05/03/2018 14:35

Jacques

Honestly. Why is it so hard for some people to believe that women can also want sex without a relationship.

JacquesHammer · 05/03/2018 14:37

@BitchQueen90 - I don't know. I really haven't any idea. But they seem to work from the basis of they're not interested so it's wrong. Which is nonsencial.

Surely it is fairly safe to assume with the huge differences between human beings that people are going to want different things! As long as you can tally that with someone who also thinks like you, there's really no issue!

FreeNiki · 05/03/2018 14:44

Respect? Go through all the posts where women are being financially abused by their husbands, left with all the child care and domestic tasks whilst their DH / DP sits on ass, posts where women wake up to finding their husband having sex with them without having asked.

I used to have a fwb whom I would occasionally meet for a drink , dinner, nice conversation and good sex and he always insisted on paying.

Tell me again which one of us is being disrespected?

BitchQueen90 · 05/03/2018 15:04

Starlight is probably one of those people with a shit DH. Can't see why she'd be so indignant about what other women are doing in their sex lives.

Sparkletastic · 05/03/2018 15:23

Message him to say he has one last opportunity to return the item before you contact the police and supply the messages between you as evidence of theft. If message appears not to go through send letter.

starlightafar · 05/03/2018 15:26

Well free if we are seeing it in black and white then it could also be argued that since women have learned that serious relationships are not in their best interests, then they are conditioned only to be grateful for scraps. I hope my daughter grows up knowing she is wirth more. And my argument was just that-in a relationship those things are unacceptable. But as with OPs situation, there are no/few perameters of acceptability. So if something happens which is 'off', then it is harder to know what to do.

Arealhumanbeing · 05/03/2018 15:30

starlightafar

I won’t be reporting anybody. Are you joking? I was just trying to help OP to ignore the desperate and weirdly unkind remarks from some posters.

Keep convincing yourselves that that having an arrangement where you are ejaculated into with no respect is normal. At least sex workers get paid!

You have really gone somewhere else with this. I will admit that I don’t know how to discuss it with you.

Are your standards not being met in your relationship. Is that the fault of those of us who keep our relationships with men on the periphery?

Arealhumanbeing · 05/03/2018 15:34

And my argument was just that-in a relationship those things are unacceptable.

Well that depends on the terms of the relationship doesn’t it. See previous discussion.

Not everyone is waist deep in marriage and children. There is a whole other world out there.

You sound angry and some of your comments have been vile. Why?

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