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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to stop sister's online hate campaign against me? It's progressed to sinister levels.

129 replies

snapperstickers68 · 02/03/2018 22:11

I have a difficult communication to compose to my mother about my abusive sister.

Briefly, my sister has kept a sustained online hate campaign against me for a few years now. My ex partner (father of my kids) joined in at one point too but his campaign was so strong Facebook took action against him.

2 years ago I asked my sister to halt else I'd have to involve police. Her response was to get the police to issue a PIN notice on me, making the exact claims that I would have made about her.

The difference being I have over 200+ screenshots of her actions, and she has zero of mine, because I don't retaliate. So the PIN was retaliatory.

I did call the police after that and they 'had a word' but didn't issue a PIN.

Two years later I've asked them to have a word again (no PIN) because she just won't stop.

That was about 2 weeks ago.
She's now progressed to using my real name in her public posts, and is convincing strangers (to me) that I am unhinged, mentally ill, manipulative, etc etc She is following almost word for word and actions the same script my ex partner worked from.

As online harassment is now a criminal offence not a civil one, the only option left to me is either a PIN notice or have her arrested. Our Mum won't intervene. Mum often collides with her, (my partner explained she probably feels guilty because she was physically and mentally abusive to me as a child) and it all seems to add up how everyone's behaving.

The 'projection' of my sister's behaviour onto me, claiming I am now harassing her, when it is actaully her. I don't write about her online, we have no contact. But she insists to strangers I am.

If I asked for her to be arrested and spoken to properly by police, she would probably do the same to me in retaliation as she did with the PIN notice.

My ex partner used to do this, police were called dozens of times on him, police would get there and he'd say, 'it's her, she's mentally ill, sorry to waste your time officers...' that sort of thing.
I went into A&E a couple of times with injuries of course I never said he did it, but he'd say the classic 'she walked into a door. She has one wonky eye so she can't see where she's going'.

Anyway, I need to compose a brief text to my Mum, pleading without sounding threatening, for her to once and for all convince my sister what she's doing is destructive, and that if she doesn't stop, she'd be arrested at this stage now.

They don't know that all this gives me massive anxiety, not depression I'm an upbeat person really, but I walk around wondering, yet again as I used to whenI was with my ex, if people believe her claims about me that I'm crazy or evil.

OP posts:
snapperstickers68 · 03/03/2018 13:43

Thanks for all the responses.

It's a bit divided with some people suggesting go to the police, some go to a solicitor for a non molestation order.

i think what I might do, is ask to see the same police officer who dealt with my enquiry 2 weeks ago when he went to have a word with my sister, ask him how I should proceed, i.e. solicitor or if the police are able to do more than 'have a word' this time as she clearly didn't take their advice 2 weeks ago.
Harassment is a criminal offence according to the Crown Prosecution Service website, the police must surely be able to just arrest her and caution her so that she can see what she's doing is wrong.

People have mentioned gong no contact with my sister and mother. I have already done that years ago.i haven't spoken to my sister in about 3 years. Our last physical interaction was when she walked into a shop I was in and stood right in my personal space arms crossed, glaring silently at me whilst I was trying to pay, and then muttered something angrily - can't remember what.

Advice to get off social media completely doesn't work - I have businesses pages interconnected with all my social media. She is blocked on all the profiles I know of, but she has dozens in lots of different variations of her name, so I can't maintain that.

I will update on Monday evening after I've been in to see the police again.

OP posts:
chocolateworshipper · 03/03/2018 16:47

Also under the Communications Act 2003:
"A malicious communication using social media" is an offence
"To persistently make use of a public electronic communications network for the purpose of causing annoyance, inconvenience or needless anxiety" is an offence

snapperstickers68 · 03/03/2018 20:28

Thankyou chocolateworshipper

OP posts:
catfishsally · 03/03/2018 20:54

it's such a shame that people have worked out all they have to do is make counter claims and neither is believed or prosecuted.
sorry you are g9ing through this your sister seems awful

snapperstickers68 · 03/03/2018 21:04

I know. My ex partner did this. He compiled an elaborate hate campaign once he discovered Facebook, got everything out of his system about me, also his thoughts on my partner, and then friend requested everyone on my Friendlist (friends, work, family, ...) to alert them to what he'd created about me. So now everyone I know, knows all the ins and outs of my history of DV in that relationship Shock.

I've read the CPS website and they seem to suggest that taking evidence to the police will help bolster my complaint. But particularly as the police only warned my sister 2 weeks ago about her behaviour and she's flouted that by publishing my real name in her posts now, it must surely warrant action now.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 03/03/2018 21:20

Op one of my best friends and her sister are very different people. I hear my df's side when we get together and her sister's side occasionally as we work together sometimes, though not often. I take everything with a pinch of salt. Don't assume people listen to her, they'll make their own decisions when they meet you. Block dsis and ignore, anyone says anything just reply "we have a difficult relationship, don't believe everything you here" and leave it at that.

chocolateworshipper · 03/03/2018 22:28

btw the fact that the police have warned her, and she has ignored their warning, makes it more serious in the eyes of the law

PilatesSuck · 04/03/2018 08:39

Good luck OP. Make sure you screenshot everything and be ready for your mother to take your sister's side and start up her abuse again.

RebootYourEngine · 04/03/2018 08:52

Keep a record of everything that happens.

If the police have already spoken to her about it and she is still carrying on the police need to do more.

snapperstickers68 · 04/03/2018 18:35

motherofdragons yes, that's what my partner reassures me with too. Her Facebook friends will bolster her abuse against me with comments like, 'yes Hun that's exactly what she's like' when I don't even know them/never met them. So to my mind they're just trying to help my sister's abuse, so a I shouldn't worry what they say about me, as they've never met me.

Any rational person would read statements she's made about me like, 'About time this whole town knows about you!' with a raised eyebrow and consider her comments as just meaningless drama.

What I bank on is that I'm the same shy, retiring, unconfrontational, never had an enemy in my life (apart from my dv ex and this sister) person I always was. And that people know that about me. And that my sister is the same dramatic, erratic, vindictive and envious person she always has been and that people know that about her too.

At least I'm not the first person she's done this too, so I get some comfort from that.

OP posts:
snapperstickers68 · 04/03/2018 18:39

Rebootyourengine Yes I think they need to progress it now. Using my real name now instead of just carefully alluding to me by using my kids' name or my initials was one thing, but we may well have friends in common on Facebook, teachers at my kids' school for instance, my work colleagues, etc. It isn't nice for them to see I'm being targeted, or how that may be affecting my kids. Because it does affect them. The eldest has friends who are on social media (at 10 Shock ) and I wouldn't like them to pass on the stuff my kids' Aunty has been writing about them; 'your kids are being emotionally abused' and using their violent birth father's surname suffixed to the kids name, instead of their own birth name. Connecting them to a dangerous man isn't something she's thought through well.

OP posts:
StepAwayFromGoogle · 04/03/2018 18:51

OP, I don't think you can go to the police and demand that they arrest your sister or caution her. What you can do is take all the evidence you have and they will decide what to do with it. Make sure you give them everything. If she has started naming you then I would have thought they can do more than previously (when presumably she wasn't naming you publicly). Best of luck.

snapperstickers68 · 04/03/2018 19:01

stepawayfromgoogle Yes that's correct. I'm not demanding the police do anything, I don't know where you've read that.

I do have evidence, which they saw 2 years ago, but obviously more has accumulated since. With the latest development the police probably need to progress things.

OP posts:
StepAwayFromGoogle · 04/03/2018 19:11

Sorry, I thought I read upthread that you were going to ask them to arrest and caution her. Perhaps 'demand' was too strong a word. I may have misunderstood.

snapperstickers68 · 05/03/2018 14:02

That's ok StepAwayFromGoogle

Update is seeing as I've had a day off work today, I've found time to collate the bundle of screenshots into date order from the last 2 years.

Including the most recent posts which used my name, although she edited my name out later, it still shows in the edit history so I've been able to save it.

Reading back through the bundle of awful, vindictive and vitriolic posts puts to bed any doubts now I had about just ignoring all this. I have no idea what's happened to her in her life to make her so obsessive, but I'm not the first woman she's done this to, and I'm assuming nobody before me has taken her to account for her behaviour, so if I don't, it will carry on. I never did press charges against my DV ex for the times he put me in hospital or strangled me, and if his next girlfriend suffers the same it will be partly my fault, so I do need to take some action here I think.

I won't have time to present my complaint now today as 2 weeks I was waiting over an hour in front reception at the police station and I have a school run to do, but I will go in tomorrow after work and update then.

OP posts:
Groovee · 05/03/2018 18:51

Good luck @snapperstickers68

StepAwayFromGoogle · 05/03/2018 20:55

Best of luck, hope they are able to stop it now, OP.

CoraPirbright · 06/03/2018 09:40

Good luck with the police OP.

user1489434024 · 06/03/2018 10:21

Print off all the screen shots and all the shots ofnher different profiles and pop in a Folder and go down to police station and ask to speak to someone.

I'd also collate all the info into chronological order and go through it all with police. Tell them absolutely everything.

She deserves to be arrested. Her step child isn't her responsibility. She has a mother and father to take care of her.

What a fucking idiot she is. Get it sorted OP x

hereyougosuckmyassforensics · 06/03/2018 10:27

Why don't you want her arrested? Stop being a soft touch. If she's making your life as miserable as you say then make her pay for it.

DobbyisFREE · 06/03/2018 11:04

Her Facebook friends will bolster her abuse against me with comments like, 'yes Hun that's exactly what she's like' when I don't even know them/never met them

If you know she has 12 accounts then these friends might not even be real. They could just as easily be more fake accounts to make her seem legit.

I'm really sorry you're going through this and I echo what a lot of people have said - I've known people like this and nod and smile when they talk knowing full well they are probably lying so not to bother paying attention or repeating.

After reading this I won't be nodding and smiling any more in this situation. I can and should do more to stop vindictive people getting away with it.

LeighaJ · 06/03/2018 12:57

Wow and I thought my sister was evil...

As others have said I wouldn't involve your Mum, nor would I give your sister any warning before you go to the police. Gather all evidence you have so they can't ignore the seriousness of it. If you can afford it I'd hire a solicitor as well they can help protect you against retaliation claims.

milliemolliemou · 06/03/2018 13:25

OP you say your sister has done this to other people? do you know who they are and well enough to ask if they would be happy to be contacted by the police?

Another who says no to contacting your mother - she'd only tip off your sister and she'd undoubtedly try to get an accusation in first.

Can your DP go to the police with you?

snapperstickers68 · 15/03/2018 15:06

Update

For those who haven’t read the whole thread, my sister began an online hate campaign against me 2 years ago which continues. I believe it’s because I was FB friends with her current boyfriend’s ex and his ex had been messaging me about his child. But I don’t actually know for sure what had driven her, until now.

Police have spoken to her twice before but she ignored them and escalated to using my real name. She publicly declares that I’m a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath most of that lifted from my DV ex’s hate campaign which occurred at the same time as her’s.

Anyway, despite my other sister and my DP explaining that she is probably doing all this out of envy I ignored them and tried to find a reason for her behaviour, but it seems they were right, as the policeman also explained.

My sister also did this to her boyfriend’s ex, and is quite a jealous/vindictive type character anyway since childhood. Most people know this about her, and she’s enabled my our Mum who seems to enjoy her middle child’s bad behaviour. But my Mum has a history of abuse herself and didn’t treat me well as a child, so my DP and the policeman suggested it’s because Mum feels guilty and is in denial or something. Mum also allowed my violent DV ex to lodge in her house recently. Invariably he then found out where I lived and came round makin a scene in front of the children until the police arrived.

Anyway to summarise, policeman said anyone is free to post anything derogatory they like in their Facebook profile, as long as it isn’t targeted at a specific person in a public forum.

Although my sister has done that to me in a public forum too, I’m not going to have her arrested for this reason:

After a good hour or more, he explained that to any outsider it is clear she is envious of something she can’t have.
My sister has always had good careers, nice home, high maintenance with her looks, once married.

But she now lives on a rough council estate, is being evicted,has completely let herself go in terms of looks and maintenance, her boyfriend is a weird Walter Mitty type who pretends he invented random things like stair gates and talks about roadie-ing with famous bands (forgetting he would have been about 5...), she is long term unemployed, lives off Mum financially, etc etc

She was also rejected by my current DP in the past and just before he met me.

Although I wondered if she was driven by envy, as I’m a poor judge of character, it has finally taken 3 other people all saying the same thing about her that has convinced me.

She was never envious in my lone parent years with a toddler and baby, when I’d fled DV and was barely affording to work juggling childcare costs though Hmm although she was still spiteful then, shutting her door in my face when I collected my kids if they’d been visiting, taking my bank card to a cashpoint to borrow a tenner but taking thirty, ..

Anyway, I realise now she is doing these things because her life is at rock bottom, and hopefully when she gets up and running again it will stop. Having her arrested was probably pointless as she’s proved retaliatory vindictive behaviour before when I’ve said I’d have to involve police if she didn’t stop. Plus the fact that is know realise she must be depressed as hell otherwise why behave so badly.

I’d already read the stately homes threads and domestic violence threads over the years after my experience with the father of my children, and I should have recognised her character traits in there, but I think like with domestic violence relationships, it takes several attempts, or several years, before you finally reach an epiphany moment, and realise they are the weaker person, not you.

She’s still carrying on, posting Mother’s Day photos from our childhood and cropping me out, but now I just feel nothing, or rather, I feel sorry for her, not in a patronising way, but I really hope her life improves.

Anyway, so the law states people can write whatever they want under certain criteria, and you have to accept it, if it’s someome’s opinion and doesn’t cross certain boundaries. My dv ex hate campaign crossed boundaries so he was dealt with officially, but my sister keeps within them so she continues her campaign.

It’s the end for me of a very stressful few years.

OP posts:
DobbyisFREE · 15/03/2018 16:10

You sound like you're in a really good place emotionally and mentally snappers. I applaud your strength and wish you all the best in the future Flowers