Both want children, different reasons - AIBU to decide not to now?

[NikMyshkin]

For context... Been ttc for about 4 years but will need IVF. Due to the length of time and needing IVF this has led to me starting some conversations, as throughout the time DH had seemed sometimes disinterested etc.

So I asked DH if he wants to go ahead with kids / IVF still etc. Asked him to give it thought and then I asked again a couple of weeks later.

DH said he wants children BUT the only reason he could give for his view, was that it’s because it’s what everyone else does. I probed a bit more... he said ‘no one really ever wants children but it’s different once they get here’. He did not have any positive reasons at all for actually personally wanting them. He couldn’t answer whether he, personally, actually does want to raise a child. It just “what people do”.

He asked my reasons (it’s about wanting to create a new life, experience that bond, help to shape and guide another human being into their own person etc). He said he had never considered this type of thing about actually raising children.

I’ve asked him to give it some more thought. But as it currently stands I don’t want to proceed, because I don’t agree that his reason is right. He isn’t really making a genuine choice - just doing what he thinks is expected quite passively.

AIBU not to feel OK about having kids now? We both have the same answer (“yes” to wanting kids) but totally different wavelength about WHY we want them. I’m confused, am I being ridiculous or do the reasons matter as much as the ‘yes’ / ‘no’? Am I being judgemental? Whatever reasons they are valid I guess and we still came to a mutual conclusion...?

Perhaps ask him how we would feel of you decided not to pursue having kids. It might help him articulate if he wants kids or not. It's not always easy to know why you want kids, bit important to know if you do or not.

My understanding of IVF is that it can be a long and stressful process. If you have any doubts at all then i would think twice about going through it. However, by delaying it and potentially having to find and establish a new relationship you are risking never having children at all.
I guess it boils down to how important it is to you, your DH and the future of your relationship.

I remember before DH and I tried for children, although he stated he wanted children he was very vague about starting TTC. He was quite uninterested during the pregnancy and it seemed like he needed the presence of an actual living, breathing child before he could get excited. He is devoted to the DC and an involved parent.

I think some men find it harder to connect to the idea of a "future child", whereas women probably think about it when TTC as they will be the one carrying the child. Massive over-generalisation, as I have known men that are more excited about the whole process than the woman, but that's how I felt it was for me and DH.

At least he doesn’t have unrealistic romantic expectations of how wonderful it will be. I would focus discussions on practicalities like who’d look after them, how are they funded, where do they go to school etc.

I think his view is not unusual for a man. I know a few men who admit to having kids because their other half wanted to, and they didn’t want to deny their partners a thing which was important to them. They are no better or worse parents than anyone else.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, but then again ivf is a big commitment to I don’t blame you for wanting to be 100% sure before commencing

I think he is honest and sensible. Most people just do want children (or don't) its not something that needs to be analysed and justified. You just want a kid or you don't want a kid.
It sounds like you are looking for a reason to put it off and trying to hang it on him.

I think a lot of men, though not all, tend to go along with what their partner wants in this matter.

Though of course that does not mean they aren’t good fathers if and when they do have children.

My husband was very similar. I think partly because he isn't very good at expressing emotions. He did tell me he didn't mind if he did or didn't have children (but not entirely sure if that was to avoid pressuring me) but as soon as I was pregnant was very pleased and excited.

Your DH has actually said he does want children but just not come up with any 'good' reasons. I don't think I had any good reasons either - I just knew I had always wanted kids. This isn't the same as not wanting them.

I don’t think there is more value to your articulation of your feelings than his - he just realises that it is an experience that brings a lot to others lives, and he wants something similar, but doesn’t know ‘what’ that will be for him. Do you want to say more about how you are feeling about it though, it sounds like a tough road, hope you’re ok.

My DH would have given a similar reason before we had children - “it’s what you do”. One of his reasons he gave when I said I want to start trying to conceive (advises cause of gynae issues) was, “better get on with it so my Dad gets to see. Grandchild”. DFil had just been diagnosed with cancer (all clear now).

We have 3 children now. My DH adores them and would lay down his life for them. He’s been up since 6 playing, building snowman etc.

So I would say yes you are being unreasonable, but after 4 years of trying and considering IVF I can’t underatand why you are worried about embarking down that path.

I think you’re being completely wanky about it. Can someone not want something without being interrogated and having to write a philisophical treatise?

And what he says is generally true. The real reason you want children is a biological drive for the species to exist ie, because it’s what you do. Just because he can’t give a reason that means your exact requirements doesn’t mean he won’t be a good father.

To rob yourself of the opportunity of having children because of this would be cutting off your own nose to spite your face.

I had kids because I thought I might want them and I'd better go ahead and have them before the choice was made for me. As it happens the decision has worked out ok, but there was a lot of early morning soul-searching in the newborn days.....

Surely no sensible person looks forward to the arrival of an incontinent screaming monster?!

Not everything requires a novel writing about it surely, he wants children can’t that be enough?

DH and I felt similar. We wanted children but just because we did, without a huge explanation. We both love being parents!

I think your dhs view was pretty similar to mine and dhs. No particular discussion, it's just what you do, once you're done with having fun in your twenties and thirties.

If you had asked me why I wanted children, the answer would have been 'I just do'.

YANBU. "No one really ever wants children but it’s different once they get here" and "It's just what people do" don't seem like very well thought out reasons. Sometimes, people do regret having children. You need to have a good talk about this.

My husband was exactly the same, I hate to admit but I felt like that when we were deciding to have baby number two, our children are so loved and wanted now but the decision to have them was awful because you know what your giving up and not sure what will take it’s place. It’s a good thing his expectations are in line with reality, your husbands right when he says he will love them when they arrive, everybody has wobbles, I had wobbles when I was 8months pregnant, but as soon as they arrive it’s all forgotten.

Ooh, DPotter, that must look bitchy, I'm sorry. "I just do" suggests a deep desire from within yourself, it isn't blindly following other people. Sorry if I offended.

What Minnie said. Both of my 2 eldest were not planned (and testament to the mini pill not working for me)
DH was openly quite hostile to me as pregnancy no.3 was twins and "he didn't sign up for the extra hassle".
Once each of the dc's were here it was like a miracle had taken place, it was as if he needed to see the birth and the physical being that was the actual child before he could "connect".
In my experience a lot of men who go ecstatic at the thought of being a dad cannot cope with the realities of being a parent, when the actual baby arrives.
As the Op's DH is not actually anti child I think to cross question his motives and feelings at this stage is rather jumping the gun. I would hope that the IVF is sucessful but if it wasn't it is just further stress at this early stage.

more important; are both of you interested in kids? Will you happily do the boring stuff, the icky stuff, give up what you want to do because the kids need looking after. Will you do all that willingly because you delight in your children?

will you be up at 6am playing in the snow (or whatever) because it is fun?

if not - don't do it.

I think YABU to think he has to be able to articulate a reason - I think it is something instinctive that is hard to describe. I don't think I would have had a good answer to this question in advance of having children (or even now I have them, although I am so very pleased I do have them!)

However if you're embarking on the path of IVF to question whether he is committed, whether he will be able to cope, whether he will be able to support you. But that doesn't mean you need to think in the same way.

It's no bad thing for you both to see things from different perspectives. If he is a bit more dispassionate he might be able to approach it more analytically. He might be the one who can question when and whether you have put yourself through too much. He might be just the person you need by your side.

My dh is not articulate about feelings..he would say something similar
We have 3 dds ages 23, 20 and 10!
You are overthinking.

I don’t get where you are coming from - you both agree you want children but you are now going to not bother now because your DH can’t give you a great speech about it, Have I got that right? Are you sure it’s not you having doubts about IVF and you are subconsciously using this as an excuse? No-one could blame you if you are having second thoughts. From what I gather having IVF can be a very gruelling undertaking. Good luck whatever you decide!

In short - I think "should we TTC together?" is a different question to "should we embark on IVF together?". Buy I don't think either of those questions depend on him being able to articulate why he wants children.