Both want children, different reasons - AIBU to decide not to now?

[NikMyshkin]

For context... Been ttc for about 4 years but will need IVF. Due to the length of time and needing IVF this has led to me starting some conversations, as throughout the time DH had seemed sometimes disinterested etc.

So I asked DH if he wants to go ahead with kids / IVF still etc. Asked him to give it thought and then I asked again a couple of weeks later.

DH said he wants children BUT the only reason he could give for his view, was that it’s because it’s what everyone else does. I probed a bit more... he said ‘no one really ever wants children but it’s different once they get here’. He did not have any positive reasons at all for actually personally wanting them. He couldn’t answer whether he, personally, actually does want to raise a child. It just “what people do”.

He asked my reasons (it’s about wanting to create a new life, experience that bond, help to shape and guide another human being into their own person etc). He said he had never considered this type of thing about actually raising children.

I’ve asked him to give it some more thought. But as it currently stands I don’t want to proceed, because I don’t agree that his reason is right. He isn’t really making a genuine choice - just doing what he thinks is expected quite passively.

AIBU not to feel OK about having kids now? We both have the same answer (“yes” to wanting kids) but totally different wavelength about WHY we want them. I’m confused, am I being ridiculous or do the reasons matter as much as the ‘yes’ / ‘no’? Am I being judgemental? Whatever reasons they are valid I guess and we still came to a mutual conclusion...?

OP do you think he'll love then and be a good Dad? That's what matters.

DH probably would have said something similar or about being a family. Note he'd say because DS is so great and he knows its important to me.

He's a great Dad, helped new get through 18 months on and out of hospital with DS, loves him utterly.

Dont call me a ‘dick’ for stating a fact

It's not a fact, they do want children, and you are totally a dick.

'Unwanted' is a totally different thing. Obviously.

Wow thanks for all the responses, I’ve read through and it’s given me loads to think about!

I’m definitely overthinking things and being unreasonable. I do appreciate that most people just want kids or not without having really thought much more about it. That’s where I was at when we started years ago, just knew I wanted them. But after so long of ttc, a chemical pregnancy and one IVF attempt that we had to stop half way through it’s given me way too much time to think. It’s made me question things because I’ve had too much time on my hands thinking about children that never arrived.... But whoever said I sound wanky is totally right!!!

I think I waffled too much but the main reason his response concerned me was that he wasn’t saying “yes I want children” - he was basically saying he DOESNT want children but expects to feel ok about it and love them once they have arrived, if that makes sense? And he thinks it’s sort of expected to have kids at our sort of age.

I do want children but I want it to be something we both actively want.

I’m being a knob and need to stop over thinking it.

Just to clarify again... he wasn’t saying he is happy either way - he was saying he doesn’t want children personally, but hopes / expects he will feel differently once a baby is actually here.

I think YABU, tbh. He may not be able to articulate his reasons in the same way as you but 'it's what people do' sounds to me a lot like 'it's important to me and it's what I want my life to be focussed around'. And so on. If he's supporting you through several years of TTC and is ready to proceed with IVF, it doesn't sound to me like a casual whim. He wants children, with you, and so do you. I think, in the nicest possible way, you are massively overthinking this.

So Sevendownyou think most of the posters on here, or their partners, abuse their kids?

I had an acute longing to have dcs from a young age.

I don’t expect other people to feel as deeply as I did but my hear goes out to dcs who have parents who had them just because they thought it was something you just do.

No wonder there’s so much child abuse.

In my 14 years of MN that is the most ludicrous, irrational statement I have ever read.

Just because someone has an immature fantasy about really really wanting a child from a young age doesn't guarantee they will be a good parent and it certainly does not mean those who are good people but took a leap of faith going into parenthood are more likely to be child abusers. I agree with a previous poster who says that is a vile and offensive statement.

Bridget Reilly - thanks that made a lot of sense actually. I guess part of what made me start questioning it was actually his lack of support when it started being clearer that TTC wasn’t going to be as easy as we hoped. So he wasn’t interested in coming with me to appointments, didn’t want to take any vitamins that were recommended, wasn’t willing to get fitter, eat healthier, etc etc. I felt very very lonely going through all of that and trying my best with it all, but felt I was on my own.

I probably can't articulate why I wanted to have kids. I just did. I don't think he's being reluctant actually.

My DH wanted kids because it's what you do. I didn't want then and it was pretty easy to dangle the carrot of "look weekday our lives would be like without kids" in front of him and get him to see it my way. Then I changed my mind...

He came with me again but when i wanted a second he said no so we have one. He's a great father and has been very involved from the beginning, went part time to share her care etc so i don't think him being unable to deliver a "good reason" for waiting children was a problem.

I have to be honest my views are similar to your dh’s.
We decided to ttc because it was the next step of our lives.
In my mind I’d been over the ‘what about money/careers/holidays/our relationship’ and ‘can I be a good parent’ but I’ve never once thought about why I want children. Im hoping it all becomes clear once baby arrives. My dh is exactly the same as me.

Seven down - I don’t think not planning or thinking through reasons makes someone more likely to be abusive!!! My DH wouldn’t be an abusive dad. Also friends of mine with kids were unplanned but they are great parents.

he was saying he doesn’t want children personally, but hopes / expects he will feel differently once a baby is actually here.

Well this is a different kind of thing altogether. You didn't say this in your OP.

Vladimir’s - Yes sorry I’m not being very clear. On a personal level, he does not want children. But, he thinks it’s expected and the done thing, so in that sense he does want them because he wants to do what’s normal. He’s hoping that once we have them, his personal feelings will catch up if that makes sense?

Then we're talking something very different and you do actually have a legitimate concern, in my opinion.

My initial thought based on your OP was that you wanted him to offer some sort of profound reason to have children. It turns out that's not the case at all.

How do you feel on a personal level after 4 years of ttc? Are children something you definitely want and will go to all lengths to achieve?

When I wrote the OP I was a bit muddled in the head! Sorry should have made it clearer - the main issue I had was his personal reasons (or lack of any) and not wanting them personally. I’d be happy if he just wanted them instinctively without a particular reason. He only wants children because it’s the done thing, has no instinctive urge for them, and couldn’t give anything positive at all about the idea of having an actual, real, child. He is probably right though - once a baby is here, he probably will love him/her and think that it was a good decision.

As for me, yes I still want children. After 4 years TTC it’s been pretty emotionally devastating though!! I am and have been willing to go to all lengths to make it work. I still am, but I want his children not anyone else’s. I can live with it not happening if it’s not what he genuinely wants. I guess infertility has already forced me to come to terms with the possibility that I won’t get to have any children so although I deeply want them, it’s not the end of the world if we don’t and we can still have a happy life together.

‘no one really ever wants children but it’s different once they get here’

I suspect that a lot of rubbish dads have this opinion, then find that once children do "get here" that they still don't particularly want children.

Having children is hard work, and most of that hard work is also boring and repetitive work.

I was pretty ambivalent about having a baby really, but dh was broody and I knew I wanted a family so we stopped being careful and two weeks after that I was pregnant. Baby two was an accident so we didn't do any thinking about her at all really. If we had had longer to think I'm fairly sure we would at some point have made a more active decision to start our family and to have a second but in some ways I'm very glad that we didn't have to plan too much. In retrospect it's such a huge decision to make.

OP it seems to me that you don't really want to know whether your dh wants a baby or not, what you need to know is whether he will properly support you along your IVF journey and history and his current attitude have made you totally reasonably question that. It sounds like the work and stress might well all sit on you and perhaps he isn't the person you thought / hoped he was.

Sorry OP reading that back and especially seeing your last post it sounds a bit smug. I'm just saying that lots of people, maybe even most people don't think too much about starting a family because they don't have to / don't have the time. I was bloody scared once I actually got pregnant, and it all sunk in but it was too late then :)

I really hope your dh comes through and all the odds are in your favour to become parents.

He's basically said he doesn't personally want kids but is willing to go along with it as that's what people do.

Christ you must be devastated after all you've gone through to TTC, to hear your partner doesn't actually want kids, he's just willing to have them for the sake of social convention.

You have a massive problem here OP. Do you want kids badly enough to risk having them with a man who doesn't actually want them? That would possibly be so very unfair on the child and could lead to a lot of emotional problems in the future (I've had a few friends/an ex whose dads weren't interested before or after the birth and it affected them deeply, it's a gamble as to whether he'll get more into it when they're here but then you can't go back?

I can't imagine how difficult this must be when you want a child so much. Is this the first time he's actually been honest?

I don’t think he sounds like a keeper tbh.

I bet if you had a new partner who genuinely wanted kids and you, you’d be up the duff in two weeks.

Life’s too short to put up with second best. Not taking his recommended vitamins and letting you bear the brunt of the TTC journey is beyond shit.

I wonder did he get married with the same mindset.... because it was what his mates were doing, and he had reached a certain age.

I’d look around. I certainly wouldn’t want to co parent with him.... if he could be arsed to father a child.

You can do better.

My DH was fine with never having a child but was not against having them. We set a date to begin ttc and when it came round he actually began to feel quite excited but also nervous.

Then ttc took a long time and fertility issues revealed we needed IVF. By this point he became certain he wanted children. We went ahead with IVF which was successful and he is overjoyed!

... if he could be arsed to father a child

That doesn't half sound like you're insinuating that a person is lazy because they do not wish to create a child.