Both want children, different reasons - AIBU to decide not to now?

[NikMyshkin]

For context... Been ttc for about 4 years but will need IVF. Due to the length of time and needing IVF this has led to me starting some conversations, as throughout the time DH had seemed sometimes disinterested etc.

So I asked DH if he wants to go ahead with kids / IVF still etc. Asked him to give it thought and then I asked again a couple of weeks later.

DH said he wants children BUT the only reason he could give for his view, was that it’s because it’s what everyone else does. I probed a bit more... he said ‘no one really ever wants children but it’s different once they get here’. He did not have any positive reasons at all for actually personally wanting them. He couldn’t answer whether he, personally, actually does want to raise a child. It just “what people do”.

He asked my reasons (it’s about wanting to create a new life, experience that bond, help to shape and guide another human being into their own person etc). He said he had never considered this type of thing about actually raising children.

I’ve asked him to give it some more thought. But as it currently stands I don’t want to proceed, because I don’t agree that his reason is right. He isn’t really making a genuine choice - just doing what he thinks is expected quite passively.

AIBU not to feel OK about having kids now? We both have the same answer (“yes” to wanting kids) but totally different wavelength about WHY we want them. I’m confused, am I being ridiculous or do the reasons matter as much as the ‘yes’ / ‘no’? Am I being judgemental? Whatever reasons they are valid I guess and we still came to a mutual conclusion...?

If he's not supportive of you when there difficult or upsetting or inconvenient or boring things needing to be done when you are TTC, how will he be with the much greater volume of things that need to be done if you have a baby?

3 things jump out at me here.

Firstly:

once a baby is here, he probably will love him/her and think that it was a good decision.

This is not always the case. You can never assume that. Would you be able to cope with a baby on your own? What if the baby gets here and he expects you to do basically everything whilst he sometimes gives the baby a hug? On the other hand, perhaps you could cope but what do you want - given the option between being a mother and being a family unit?

Secondly,

I guess infertility has already forced me to come to terms with the possibility that I won’t get to have any children so although I deeply want them, it’s not the end of the world if we don’t and we can still have a happy life together.

You have said you only want his babies, so babies aren't necessarily a deal breaker?

If you can, could you please expand further on your infertility and what you both have been doing to address it? Have you had treatment? Have you been to see a doctor and been advised? Do you think you might eventually come to resent him at some point if you don't realise your dream of having a baby.

Thirdly, you also say:

he wasn’t interested in coming with me to appointments, didn’t want to take any vitamins that were recommended, wasn’t willing to get fitter, eat healthier, etc etc. I felt very very lonely going through all of that and trying my best with it all, but felt I was on my own.

I'd just like to ask what kind of marriage do you have in general? No-one ever has it easy but he doesn't seem to have such a vested interest in baby-having as you do.

What would you want, I mean what would you personally want? 4 years TTC would be testing for anyone. So what do you think you could deal and live with?

Neither of you are unreasonable really. But then, I felt like your husband prior to having kids and have never been broody. Was never overly attached to the 'bump' etc. Adore my kids and am a great mum however.

i bet if you had a new partner who genuinely wanted kids and you, you’d be up the duff in two weeks.

That's... quite an insulting thing to say to someone struggling with infertility. I hope you are aware of that and not just thoughtless.

Completely agree with Minniemummy.
Not everyone is able to articulate why - in fact the reason I had children is...because I was pregnant, it wasn't as much of a conscious decision as yours and I understand your overthinking but you both want children, focus on that

I agree with another poster who said you should think about practicalities and what actual daily life with a child will be like and how it may/probably will impact your current lifestyle.

If he isn't 100% on board and just expects to like it because other people seem to he may seriously resent the lack of freedom having a child means as well as the lack of sleep, reduced intimacy etc... that come with bringing a child into this world.

You have said you felt very alone and unsupported during the time you have tried to conceive and that should be a bit of a red flag, if you are going to get pregnant he needs to step up and be involved, he needs to fully be on board and support you and he needs to be honest with himself about whether or not he can see himself having a child and doing EVERYTHING that comes with that, otherwise you will end up bringing a child into this world with an husband who will realize he can't actually cope with the baby or see the baby as your responsability only and you will be miserable.

Yes it's true that fathers often only really start to bond with their child once they are born but it's a bit too risky to have a child even though he doesn't actually want one just because he thinks he will probably find it in him to bond with him/her anyway once they come to life.

vladmir Thanks for helping me. Will try to answer... 1. Yes I could cope on my own but I want a family unit rather than just to be a Mum. Obviously I know life doesn’t always work out that way.

1. As above yes I want a family and children but I can deal with not having children. We ttc for a couple of years then I went to GP, referral to have tests. Both healthy - I had an endometrioma so needed surgery before being approved for ivf which delayed us. But it was still put down as unexplained infertility as I was ovulating fine etc. Referred to ivf clinic and started first round but had to stop due to complications so can restart again now. I took vitamins, put on weight, no drinking, moderate exercise etc as advised. Plus loads of non evidenced stuff through desperation (think pineapple core, standing on my head, reiki, massage, peeing on millions of ovulation strips, eating every fad fertility food ever mentioned!). DH didn’t follow advice given ( vitamins, lose weight, reduce alcohol). I wouldn’t resent him at all, I just want to be sure it’s what we both want.

1. Marriage in general is good - we are very different people in lots of ways but it works. He definitely is not as invested in children though, it’s not as emotive for him I think. I worry that he won’t be happy with all the sacrifices and all the boring / stressful stuff. He likes having an easy going life and isn’t very ‘giving’ unless it’s something he is interested in. I know this is a rubbish comparison but he gets stressed about the more practical side of having our pets (e.g. vets etc) and doesn’t have much patience, gets annoyed that they wake him up - so what happens when a baby is screaming? Nappies? Visits to kid activities that he is going to find boring? I just want to know he is up for all of it, good stuff and practical stuff.

I bet if you had a new partner who genuinely wanted kids and you, you’d be up the duff in two weeks yes because it's that simple , it's just about someone willing their sperm to be none compliant. You should totally get a job in fertility, you could solve everyone's situation

@nikmyshkin

DH says no one really ever wants children but it’s different once they get here’.

Utter shite.

@jaygee61

many men only go along with having kids coz it's what their woman wants.

Also, utter shite. Utter, utter shite.

Just coz YOUR man didn't want them, and you did, don't tar all men with the same brush.

OP. your man does not want children. LTB and find a man who does.

There really is no good reason to have children - if you stop and analyse it there are a lot of negatives! I came to the conclusion that it is best to not analyse it and to accept it as a basic instinct that we share with all forms of life - the imperative to reproduce is fundamental.

Please try and avoid thinking in terms of a hierarchy of reasons - that your reasons are better than his. Just accept that he is behind you and willing to do his bit for the IVF. I doubt he will appreciate being given the third degree!! And good luck with it.

I just want to be sure it’s what we both want.

From what you've said, it sounds very unlikely you will ever know this for sure. You can manage alone yet want his babies. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Because to be frank, there is a time limit to how long you can keep trying. Have you got a plan as to where to draw the line?

Do you suspect perhaps he is exhausted of baby talk after 4-odd years? I reckon no to that because as you say he didn't actually do anything to change the likelihood of having a baby. Didn't stop the alcohol or loose weight or do anything to really pursue the best circumstances.

If you can live without a baby, as you say you can, then I think you need to start mentally preparing yourself for this eventuality. He doesn't seem bothered at all and you seem totally committed to him.

At some point you need to draw your red lines.

@Mishappening

IN MY OPINION there really is no good reason to have children. In my opinion if you stop and analyse it there are a lot of negatives

Fixed that for you.

Probably best you don't have them to be honest. As you seem to have such a loathing for them.

I have 3 very happy DDs and 7 delightful GC - we just went with the flow and decided not to over think it - we are programmed to reproduce and it has been a delight for us.

I think you have misinterpreted my post which was saying that there is no point in trying to analyse something that is a basic instinct; nor to make your OH feel that his reasons are not as good as yours.

You have children and you say THAT about them? That there is no good reason to have them.

Fuck me. Words fail me.

Never, ever let them read your posts or tell them how you really feel FFS.

You are massively over-reacting Peekaboo, you haven't understood what is being said at all.

What's wrong with that
Peekaboo?

I know why we TTC with dc2 and 3. It's easy to know why you want more when you already have one.

Why we wanted dc1 though...I can't remember tbh. I can remember us deciding to try but not why. I'm not sure I could have articulated the exact reason tbh and I can totally imagine dh coming out with the same response as yours tbh...he's laid back, and not into overthinking at all.

I think you need to cut him some slack tbh.

Also...biggest OTT overreaction ever from Peekaboo

OK Peekaboo3 - if you think about having children in an analytical way, here are the reasons NOT to have them:

• physical discomforts of pregnancy
• physical pain of labour
• physical results of pregnancy and labour - stitches, episiotomy, slack fanny, piles, varicose veins, putting on weight etc. etc.
• sleepless nights
• loss of income
• stress on marriage/relationship
• heavy responsibility of being a parent for decades!
• etc., etc............

So thinking about it too hard is perhaps not a good idea! Going with the flow of nature was for us the only way to go, and we had wonderful children whom we love dearly - because that is human nature.

I do understand that for those or whom nature does not play ball and medical intervention is needed, there is a greater need to think it through, and that this could be destructive in a relationship, which is why I was saying to the OP that she perhaps might do best not to think about whose reasons for wanting the children are the "best."

for whom

Is that a joke?

For those who say I’m thoughtless, well the OP has said her DH didn’t do any of the things he was told to do. He didn’t come to any appointments, didn’t change his diet, nor make lifestyle changes, didn’t take his vitamins.

Now if that’s not an uncommitted lazy arse, I don’t know what is.

The op has borne the stress of ttc on her own.

They have unexplained fertility as a couple.

I bet if she changed her partner, to one who loved her enough to give a shit and take the time to do as required in the situation she would fall pregnant no bother. Fertility clinics do offer donor sperm if the partner has sub standard sperm.

And yes, I do know about ttc-ing and the stress of it - as a committed couple, my DH and I went through it together. That’s why I have an opinion about this luke warm man child.

I’d dump him OP and find someone who loves you for you, and who wants what you want.
You really do need to have a committed partner / circle of support if you’re bringing a babe into the world.

Last thing you need is a waste of space who’s dragging his feet and won’t even do the easy part: taking his vitamins and upping the exercise.

I doubt you’ll be happy without a child. I’d say you’ll resent your lazy DH terribly, maybe even grow to hate him, especially as menopause approaches. (I have some very heartbroken friends in this situation)

You need to be selfish, and stop thinking about his needs.
Time is ticking. Do what you need to.

DH originally wanted children “because you’d be a great mum”. I thought that was a bit of a tepid reason at the time. But he absolutely dotes on DS and has been a super-involved father ever since he was born. So I wouldn’t take his expressed reasons for wanting kids as any indicator of how good a dad he’ll be.

What is he like in general? I knew DH would be a good dad from his attitude to pets, friends, etc - he’s a very kind, responsible and patient man.

My DH said the same.
I think men are like this until they see their baby.
We now have a very loved DD who is the apple of his eye.
YABVU.

I agree that it's not about men and women it's about personalities. Does he have traits that will make him a great co-parent? If not I wouldn't want to take the risk... assuming he will change is a dangerous game.