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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make it clear 16yo DS1 is expected at Granny's for dinner tonight?

83 replies

Passportto · 02/03/2018 09:37

Ever since DC were tiny they've gone to my Mum's for tea on a Friday.

When they were little they loved going and still benefit from a close relationship with GPs. Now they're older the prospect is less exciting but they still usually go without complaint. Don't stay that long but make some effort to tell GPs about their week. GPs look forward to it.

They've been off school since Weds and DS1 has been going to the next town (where his school is) to meet up with friends. This has involved a bus or when the buses have stopped running, a long walk and he's been getting home c. 10pm. I've said he should be back in time for tea today.

I can't "make him", I don't think. He's old enough to decide for himself and he's not inconsiderate really - he did pop in to see them when passing yesterday and see if they needed anything while he was out. WIBU to lay on a bit of guilt about how important it is for him to make sure he's back in time? He's about to leave to meet friends for breakfast, so he'll have a fairly long day with them. I also understand it's not fun to be the one who has to leave early.

OP posts:

FluffyWuffy100 · 02/03/2018 09:39

No... if you guilt them you risk turning them away. Things change. People grow up. You said he already popped in yesterday.

A friendly reminder - gran would really love to see you, if you can get back in time - will suffice. Don't make this into a battle.

TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 02/03/2018 09:40

I think you all need to start releasing the reins a little. Let him go if he wants.

FuckyNellYaBastad · 02/03/2018 09:40

Exactly what fluffy says

Sirzy · 02/03/2018 09:42

I think at 16 it needs to be his choice and by forcing it uou are more likely to stop him wanting to go at all.

What I would say to him is “if you can’t make it remember to let her know by 2pm” (or other suitable time) so she knows

Birdsgottafly · 02/03/2018 09:42

YWBU and setting a really bad example if you used "a guilt trip", its emotional blackmail.

I think he's done his bit by popping in.

Let your young Adult children decide how they conduct their relationship s with others.

He may drift for a couple of years, then visit often again. I'd be pissed off if I had to donate my Friday evening to an elderly relative. Realistically it can be any evening and/or a Sunday.

DearMrDilkington · 02/03/2018 09:42

Yabu. It's a Friday night, let them have fun.

ineedaholidaynow · 02/03/2018 09:43

Does this mean they have never been able to go out with friends or have clubs on a Friday?

He saw them yesterday and asked if they needed anything, which was a kind and responsible thing to do. He is growing up. Surely your mum will understand.

implantsandaDyson · 02/03/2018 09:43

Yes YABU - things move on, you can't just "bagsie" someone else's time because you've always went to your mums at the same time every week. I've an almost 13 year old, we spent most Sunday's at my mums, if she's has something else planned, she doesn't have to go. Besides he saw them yesterday!

MumGoneMild · 02/03/2018 09:43

No it's his choice. He popped in yesterday and sees them often.let him go and be with his mates.

NerrSnerr · 02/03/2018 09:44

At 16 he needs to be deciding for himself. It’s likely other things are going to come up and he’ll feel resentful if he feels forced to go to his grandparents.

stitchglitched · 02/03/2018 09:46

YABU. Popping in to see them yesterday was a nice thoughtful thing for him to do, and it wasn't forced. Don't force this, let him see his mates.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 02/03/2018 09:47

You be unreasonable, he called in yesterday off his own back to see them and see if they needed anything, that is a much nicer thing than "having" to go for tea every Friday. Let him be now to continue the relationship himself

onalongsabbatical · 02/03/2018 09:47

Ever since DC were tiny they've gone to my Mum's for tea on a Friday. and now he's sixteen and needs to start making his own decisions. He popped in on them yesterday? He's already a star. Now let him live his life and don't make ridiculous demands of him.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 02/03/2018 09:47

Your 16 year old ds pops into his grandparents to see if they need anything? He's a thoughtful boy. Please don't try to guilt trip him for tonight - if his grandparents are remotely reasonable they wouldn't want this.

Isadora2007 · 02/03/2018 09:48

He popped in yesterday, so he is already taking it upon himself to build his new older-grandchild relationship with them. Don’t turn it into duty visits by making him resent them.
In fact make sure you praise him for going yesterday and link that to him being out today with his friends.

Original poster

Passportto · 02/03/2018 09:49

Yes, I do know that. However, at the moment, he's going on the basis that he will "try" to be back. How much notice is it reasonable to give that she'll be one down for dinner? Surely it's not OK for him to just not turn up?

OP posts:

DancesWithOtters · 02/03/2018 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flutterbyeee · 02/03/2018 09:50

Him popping in to check on them is just lovely. I am sure that means more to them. They will understand if he is out with friends.

Isadora2007 · 02/03/2018 09:51

Ask your mum what time she needs to know by? And tell him. Step back from micromanaging their relationship please or you risk ruining it.

stitchglitched · 02/03/2018 09:51

He's saying he will try to be back because you have told him he should go. Tell him it's fine to stay out with his mates instead and let his grandparents know he won't be coming.

Original poster

Passportto · 02/03/2018 09:53

Actually, Ineedaholiday it started because I needed childcare on a Friday. When they got a bit older and could have gone straight home and let themselves in, there were clubs they wanted to go to that they needed a lift for. I was working so they went to GPs precisely so they could go to the clubs.

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 02/03/2018 09:53

It’s ok to just not turn up if that’s an option that has already been discussed, maybe warn gp that he will try but it’s not guaranteed then it’s up to them what they do about catering arrangements

MumGoneMild · 02/03/2018 09:54

Yeah I'd tell him it's ok to stay out, that's plenty of notice for them

onalongsabbatical · 02/03/2018 09:55

He's probably saying he'll 'try' because he doesn't wan to come out up front and at he doesn't want to. It might be the right moment for you to say, hey, DS, you don't have to go, better to be clear about it, no one's saying you have to go.

WheresTheEvidence · 02/03/2018 09:57

he did pop in to see them when passing yesterday and see if they needed anything while he was out.

Surely that's way more important than making sure he goes for dinner. Let him be it's snowing and he wants to enjoy it.

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