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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make it clear 16yo DS1 is expected at Granny's for dinner tonight?

83 replies

Passportto · 02/03/2018 09:37

Ever since DC were tiny they've gone to my Mum's for tea on a Friday.

When they were little they loved going and still benefit from a close relationship with GPs. Now they're older the prospect is less exciting but they still usually go without complaint. Don't stay that long but make some effort to tell GPs about their week. GPs look forward to it.

They've been off school since Weds and DS1 has been going to the next town (where his school is) to meet up with friends. This has involved a bus or when the buses have stopped running, a long walk and he's been getting home c. 10pm. I've said he should be back in time for tea today.

I can't "make him", I don't think. He's old enough to decide for himself and he's not inconsiderate really - he did pop in to see them when passing yesterday and see if they needed anything while he was out. WIBU to lay on a bit of guilt about how important it is for him to make sure he's back in time? He's about to leave to meet friends for breakfast, so he'll have a fairly long day with them. I also understand it's not fun to be the one who has to leave early.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 02/03/2018 09:59

No you should not force these visits every week. Because if you do the chances are when they're old enough not to visit they might not visit at all. But I think it's more considerate to make a decision rather than say I'll turn up if I can.

FluffyWuffy100 · 02/03/2018 10:00

However, at the moment, he's going on the basis that he will "try" to be back. How much notice is it reasonable to give that she'll be one down for dinner? Surely it's not OK for him to just not turn up?

He is saying that to avoid a guilt trip from you!

Tell him its ok if he doens't go, but that he needs to tell Gran by [x] so she knows in advance and isn't making food for him.

bert3400 · 02/03/2018 10:00

I don't think you should force him to go . My 15yr sometimes doesn't want to come out on family occasion & sometimes he does. It's his way of showing independence and I need to respect that. If you guilt trip your son, You will end up with him resenting you and his GP

LimonViola · 02/03/2018 10:00

Simple: ask him to contact his gran and find out when she needs to know by.

Then let him sort it.

I get that she needs some notice if she's cooking for numbers etc but at his age that ought to be down to him to tell her he isn't coming in time. Stop micromanaging. Chances are he's saying 'I might be back' because he knows he won't but feels for some reason like he can't just say 'I won't be back in time', which is worrying and might indicate he feels duty bound or like he knows he'll upset you if he asserts himself.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/03/2018 10:00

He's old enough to decide for himself and he's not inconsiderate really - he did pop in to see them when passing yesterday and see if they needed anything while he was out

He sounds lovely.

Why can’t he just ring them and say his friends have invited him out tonight and so he’s sorry but he won’t be there for dinner?

Your parents aren’t stupid, they know there will come a time when the kids want to be out with their friends on a Friday night.

You’ll be doing all of them a disservice forcing him to go every Friday and when will you stop? When he’s 18? 21? Married? Own kids?

upsideup · 02/03/2018 10:00

WIBU to lay on a bit of guilt about how important it is for him to make sure he's back in time?

Are you seriously asking if should emotionally blackmail your 16 year old DS into doing something?
No you should not, he could move out tomorrow stop trying to controll his life.

Hueandcry · 02/03/2018 10:01

If he is off school why is he going out all day & not doing some study? The exams are not far away

Rachie1973 · 02/03/2018 10:01

How long do you expect to be able to 'tell' him to do this?

He's 16 already, clearly has a fantastic relationship with his GP, and is obviously quite thoughtful.

Will you be hauling him home from Uni for Friday night tea? What if he got a part time job? Would you say 'not Fridays'? Married with kids?

Maybe time to let him start choosing this for himself now, rather than it being a big cut off when it has to happen.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/03/2018 10:02

he did pop in to see them when passing yesterday and see if they needed anything while he was out
That was thoughtful.
It's been a topsy turvy week, perhaps your mum will be accepting of the fact he might not make it to dinner tonight. Just ask him to let granny know this afternoon if he won't be there this evening.

Rachie1973 · 02/03/2018 10:02

Hueandcry
If he is off school why is he going out all day & not doing some study? The exams are not far away

Why on earth would you need to know that? Its not even close to relevant to the OP's AIBU.

.

Hogtini · 02/03/2018 10:05

EVERY Friday? YABU. It's lovely they have this relationships with the GPs but I'm sure they would (and you should) understand that he is growing up and that comes with an exciting new social life. Please don't force him into this or make him feel bad, relationships and communication are about mutual respect for each others time.

Hueandcry · 02/03/2018 10:06

Because if he needs to study it could be useful I the context of - you can go out but as you have study to do be home by x time, do a couple of hours then have tea with the gps

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 02/03/2018 10:08

Ever since DC were tiny they've gone to my Mum's for tea on a Friday.

I hope they enjoy it, because the moment they're out of your house there's a strong chance they'll never go near your mother again.

You're being wildly unreasonable. Are you seriously saying that your sixteen year old is never allowed to go out on a Friday evening because they have to see your mother?

Original poster
Passportto · 02/03/2018 10:09

HaHa Hueandcry, gotta love AIBU. He's been meeting his Alevel class to study. (debatable how much they've done, but some sort of effort has been made)

He isn't made to go at all. Quite often he's busy with cadets and can't go or he needs dinner early and will call her to arrange that - his choice he could get himself something at home instead. It's a standing arrangement, so she expects him unless she's heard otherwise, usually by at least the night before.

The point is he does let her know and today it's all a bit up in the air. He's said he'll call her by lunchtime. I think if things with his friends wind up, he'd still like to go.

So, I've left it for him to take some grown up responsibility but it's me who gets it in the neck (from my Dad) if he forgets. Grin

OP posts:
biffyboom · 02/03/2018 10:11

Try letting him take responsibility for his actions, tell him you will tell gran he is to let his gran know if he will be coming or not, and leave him to do it each week. Maybe from next week he tells her on a Thursday evening or Friday morning, just to be fair to your dm.
You've ensured a great relationship between them so far, even if he stops going every week on a set day, I'm sure he will keep up plenty contact with them.

biffyboom · 02/03/2018 10:12

X-post! I see he already does Smile

Bluelady · 02/03/2018 10:14

Then you need to tell your dad to take it up with his grandson - who sounds as if he's a real credit to you. Surely one more or less for dinner isn't going to cause major problems?

corythatwas · 02/03/2018 10:15

I would tell him that part of being a grown-up is that you manage your social calendar by giving clear messages to anyone who might expect you. Fine to ring Granny and say "no, I won't be coming", not fine to leave Granny hanging. But would secretly warn Granny that this every-Friday arrangement is not likely to last long now he is turning into a young man with his own things to do.

Original poster
Passportto · 02/03/2018 10:16

That made me laugh Bluelady. I once got a job after displaying empathy in the interview and "getting" how important the approval of a demanding father is.

OP posts:
Hueandcry · 02/03/2018 10:17

passporto he sounds like a lovely lad btw, not many 16yo's would think to pop in & see if GPS needed anything

Witchend · 02/03/2018 10:18

He popped in to say hi and see if they needed anything? That's an amazingly considerate 16yo you have there. If he can do that sort of thing off his own bat then he can make his own decisions.

The best way to make sure he hates going, and as soon as he can make a choice never go again, is to force him to go when he has something else on. Say to him that he can stay out, but can he make sure he goes next week.

onalongsabbatical · 02/03/2018 10:18

You 'get it in the neck' from your dad, he holds you to account for a 16 year old's slight flakiness? Ok. So who's the problem, here?

LimonViola · 02/03/2018 10:19

In the neck from your dad, wtf? Why?

tumblrpigeon · 02/03/2018 10:21

Op you seem to have completely changed your position from your first post. Which is a good thing .

At age 16 I don’t think he should be expected to go to granny’s every Friday.

Actually I don’t think he should be expected to go at all really

firstevernamechange · 02/03/2018 10:21

I think it's up to hom if he goes but he must let his grandma know asap so she can plan ahead and he learns it'd important to let people know if plans change.

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