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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make it clear 16yo DS1 is expected at Granny's for dinner tonight?

83 replies

Passportto · 02/03/2018 09:37

Ever since DC were tiny they've gone to my Mum's for tea on a Friday.

When they were little they loved going and still benefit from a close relationship with GPs. Now they're older the prospect is less exciting but they still usually go without complaint. Don't stay that long but make some effort to tell GPs about their week. GPs look forward to it.

They've been off school since Weds and DS1 has been going to the next town (where his school is) to meet up with friends. This has involved a bus or when the buses have stopped running, a long walk and he's been getting home c. 10pm. I've said he should be back in time for tea today.

I can't "make him", I don't think. He's old enough to decide for himself and he's not inconsiderate really - he did pop in to see them when passing yesterday and see if they needed anything while he was out. WIBU to lay on a bit of guilt about how important it is for him to make sure he's back in time? He's about to leave to meet friends for breakfast, so he'll have a fairly long day with them. I also understand it's not fun to be the one who has to leave early.

OP posts:

Original poster

Passportto · 02/03/2018 10:24

Oh my dad is definitely a problem sabbatical, he has very high expectations of us all.

He also lives up to them himself and is the reason DSis and I have achieved what we have. He was a brilliant childminder to two babies (when mum was still working), has supported DCs in every sporting, technical and scientific endeavor you could imagine, tutored DS1 to a very good grade in GCSE Maths when the school didn't even want to enter him for the higher paper, will drop everything if any of us need anything at all. As with all relationships, you take the rough with the smooth.

OP posts:

category12 · 02/03/2018 10:28

He sounds like a good un in that he popped in to see if they needed anything - that's what really counts.

Best to let him have his independence and to be able to make his own decisions about family traditions now, and he'll continue to make thoughtful choices. Make it an issue or demand and you not only take all the joy out of it, but you build resentment.

Of course he needs to let her know if he's not going, but I wouldn't pressure him into going.

RavenLG · 02/03/2018 10:28

He's saying 'he'll try' because he'd rather be with his mates but doesn't want to say that to you. He's 16 it's expected. Let him have fun. He sounds like a good kid popping in on them to ask if they needed anything out of the blue. I'd tell him he doesn't need to come and they won't put a dinner up for him, he'll then say if he is expecting to be there or not as a 16yo lad will want feeding!

Jenasaurus · 02/03/2018 10:34

He was a brilliant childminder to 2 babies (mum was still working)

That's lovely, my dad was retired when I had my own 3 DC and he was always around to help out. Then when my dsis had children and returned to shift work he had them overnight from the age of 1.

Nice to hear of some lovely relationships like this op

onalongsabbatical · 02/03/2018 10:37

Well that's all good, but your DS is now of an age to make his own relationships with his GPs. And will have different views to yours re what's rough and what's smooth.

ittakes2 · 02/03/2018 10:43

he went yesterday - let him spend time with his friends today. If you make it an issue he may push back and not go at all anymore. He's 16 - he's been a good lad going all this time!

tiggytape · 02/03/2018 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/03/2018 11:21

YABU. He's a 16 year old boy. All they're interested in at that age is their mates.
I know I was at that 16.

MistressDeeCee · 02/03/2018 11:28

Loads of things my mum thought I 'should' do at 16. Quite a few of them, I didn't do. We're selfish in some ways when young and on that cusp of adulthood. I wouldn't have wanted my Friday nights regulated, no way. A night out with mates? All good. He can go to tea next week.

He's neither a baby nor a young child it won't bode well if you try to treat him like one. & actually he sounds thoughtful. I'm sure GPs will understand. They've raised kids into adulthood already and they know what it's like. It's between they and him tho, not to do with you although I understand you want to influence.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 02/03/2018 11:32

Everyone has to be more flexible and that includes your dad. Your son sounds lovely and he will be still lovely even if he sees his friends instead of his grandparents. (I know what I would have wanted to do at that age.)

BrendasUmbrella · 02/03/2018 12:28

I hope they enjoy it, because the moment they're out of your house there's a strong chance they'll never go near your mother again.

Why would they never go near their grandmother again?

nineteentwelve · 02/03/2018 12:53

If your dad is the type to make you feel guilty about things then definitely don't do the same to your son - the cycle will never stop otherwise. I know this all too well in my family, grandmother lays guilt on HEAVY, my dad complains but ends up doing the same to us!

Just make sure he calls his grandparents in good time to cancel if he can't make it! Snow day, doesn't happen all the time!

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 02/03/2018 15:31

Why would they never go near their grandmother again?

Because if they want to, the OP wouldn't have to force them. That the OP is forcing them, presumably in collusion with her father who gives it her "in the neck" means that once they have a choice, they'll presumably stop.

BrendasUmbrella · 02/03/2018 15:56

But the teenage son went to see them yesterday of his own accord, it sounds like they have a good relationship.

Original poster

Passportto · 02/03/2018 15:59

I think I might have oversold him. It wasn't completely of his own accord, I did suggest that it would be good to pop in as he'd be passing to save me going but he did it willingly. He is a lovely boy.

He's home in good time, mostly because the weather was closing in and he didn't fancy another long walk if the buses can't cope.

OP posts:

Original poster

Passportto · 02/03/2018 16:01

I think everyone got a little over excited about anyone being forced. Some expectations are set, that's all. Surely it's not wrong for any of us to feel some sense of duty towards family.

Anyway, we've muddled through to 16yo without any major discipline or emotional problems so it can't be all bad.

OP posts:

LoveManyTrustfew · 02/03/2018 16:04

You catch more flies with honey.

The longer you make the reins, the less they pull away.

Costacoffeeplease · 02/03/2018 16:34

Surely it's not wrong for any of us to feel some sense of duty towards family.

But not compulsory dinner at gp every Friday for a 16 year old. When do you think he should have more autonomy over how he spends his fridays? 17, 18, 21, 35?

Original poster

Passportto · 02/03/2018 16:38

I understand that my first post was unclear on that but it really isn't compulsory as I have explained since.

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 02/03/2018 16:48

Maybe not compulsory but still guilt tripping, just leave the boy alone

FinallyHere · 02/03/2018 16:51

he did pop in to see them when passing yesterday and see if they needed anything while he was out.

What a lovely thing to do, I'd suggest that that cancelled out the usual Friday night slot, give the younger DC a chance for more attention.

NellMangel · 02/03/2018 16:53

I think Friday nights will start becoming a problem if your son develops a healthy social life. Maybe relax the routine a bit and let him decide which time he fancied. Surely the GPs will understand.

Clem7 · 02/03/2018 17:02

You might want to find another night that works for the regular visit, if that’s possible. Friday nights will likely become increasingly difficult.

Theresasmayshoes11 · 02/03/2018 17:09

Op I have had 5 teens and am a gran.

I would totally understand that as a teenager my grandchildren will have their own lives.

My grown up kids often text or snap chat/Fb my dad, he’s 87! He bloody loves it. They actually got him sorted online so he has this special communication with them all. Are your parents online??

Your dd sounds a good kid. You asked him to check on them and he did. That’s great.

It’s an adjustment and becomes a different relationship. For you all.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 02/03/2018 17:14

it really isn't compulsory

Except you "get it in the neck" from your father if he doesn't go. And you started by saying "WIBU to lay on a bit of guilt".

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