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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think fuck it and just leave my husband :(

88 replies

WhatTheFresh · 02/03/2018 08:50

I was involved in a car crash a few weeks ago- leaving me unable to do much physically because of my injuries

I spent the first week crying for my lost independence as I never sit still, am a very energetic person and I do pretty much everything for and with my children (8/10/12)

Luckily for me my mother and step dad flew over from their home (5 hours away) to help me get the children to school, clubs, housework and to help me. They've been nothing short of fantastic and I'm so grateful.

DH on the other hand- day 3 here of me being home and he was fed up I asked him to take washing back into the tumble drier (it was in for 20 minutes and damp) when my parents arrived he could not do enough for them however.

In the time since my accident he hasn't so much as given me a hug and I'm so fed up being in such a loveless marriage where I'm taken for granted.

My parents think he is wonderful. I know the truth.
Do I tell them whilst they are here? I think it would break their hearts? Do I want another few weeks after physio and feeling stronger?

My head says I need to wait (further complicted by us just having received the money to renovate our house to sell-do I just take half and tell him it's over?) I say this as I know him better than anybody and I'm confident he will turn nasty if I leave.

My head is so all over the place I think I need to hear other perspectives.

I don't want to write 8 pages but there's a massive backstory with H- he's not had a good record of being a reliable husband.

OP posts:
Karigan1 · 02/03/2018 08:53

If you are sure you want to leave and you think he might turn nasty do it whilst you have support there. You can’t exactly ship yourself off somewhere recovering from an accident so you’ll be stuck alone with him once they leave. I hope it goes well whatever you choose.

PaperdollCartoon · 02/03/2018 08:53

Didn’t want to read and run Flowers I’m so sorry you’re injured and your husband is shit. Will you make a full recovery?

It’s times like these where we really do see someone’s true colours, but you’re also very vulnerable right now and probably feeling very low, so I wouldn’t rush to make any snap decisions. Hopefully someone will better advice will be align soon

Mogleflop · 02/03/2018 08:54

From what you've written, it sounds like you should, yeah. Why wouldn't you with that behaviour, a big back story, and him likely to turn nasty? What would keep you in this miserable relationship?

But wait as you say, build up strength, be as methodical as possible. Don't tell anyone until you've got everything in order. That'll also help you get past any possible shock and grief which might be influencing your feelings. Thanks

MsJolly · 02/03/2018 08:55

Sorry to hear this, especially when you're laid up.
Would the house sell for much more if you did it up? If so it might be worth your while doing the house up and taking the time to get your ducks in a row, getting paperwork together etc and preparing yourself with a go back etc so that if he turned nasty you don't have to worry about anything.

MsJolly · 02/03/2018 08:56

Go bag not go back!

Original poster
WhatTheFresh · 02/03/2018 08:56

Thank you.
Such a relief the get a reply.

I won't be the same but I was very lucky to walk away with 3 broken bones and lacerations.

I'm so anxious to pass on the burden to my wonderful parents and sick that once they know he will be nasty to them also.

I've always dealt with everything alone. Hence the dilemma.

My parents are due to stay for 4 more weeks then have to return

OP posts:
MillieTant2018 · 02/03/2018 08:57

Sorry you are going through this. Write him a letter detailing everything and how you feeling. Go from there xxx

ferrier · 02/03/2018 08:58

If he's likely to turn nasty that would be reason enough for me to leave. Who wants to live with someone with that kind of fear hanging over their heads all the time? I don't think your accident has changed anything, it's just highlighting what needs to be done.

ferrier · 02/03/2018 08:59

As pp said though, tell your parents, get their support and get your ducks in a row before telling him.

Mogleflop · 02/03/2018 09:00

Good! That's four weeks of support to help you, while he has to be on good behaviour, and you can secretly make plans and think things through.

Those plans could involve couples therapy after you've physically recovered to give him a chance, but it depends what your backstory is.

He's unlikely to miraculously change.

And I wouldn't write a letter right now personally. Don't give him a hint until you're ready to really battle it out.

pilates · 02/03/2018 09:00

Are your injuries short-term and you will be be back to normal soon? It does sound that the fact you need his help in a time of need highlights how useless he is.☹️

Mogleflop · 02/03/2018 09:01

(Not "good" about the injuries though, sorry!)

Original poster
WhatTheFresh · 02/03/2018 09:02

Millie I cannot send him a letter.
My gut (on which Ive had to rely on a lot the past few years) says that's not a good idea. He'll use that to find an angle to distort things.

He's very cut throat and successful in his job and I've been privvy to his, frankly awful treatment of others who defy him Sad

OP posts:
scrabbler3 · 02/03/2018 09:02

Talk to your parents, tell them the truth. Spend some time whilst they're here getting things in order - definitely see a solicitor. Good luck.

Original poster
WhatTheFresh · 02/03/2018 09:03

Ferrier-yes I agree. I really think it has highlighted how bad it is

I see I've basically been kept on as a convenience-like a washing machine. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

OP posts:
Lostin3dspace · 02/03/2018 09:03

Some years ago I was very ill and my now ExH was a total bastard. He was selfish in
Many ways, but this life event for me really changed my view of him, I saw him clearly for what he was, and whilst I got better after some time, I never got over the manner in which he treated me. I regret quite a lot about having ever met him, but what I regret massively is not having left him as soon as I was well enough. I stayed in the marriage for many many years after that episode, but I would have saved myself a lot of heartache and financial upheaval had I left, and probably I could have met someone nice, whereas it’s quite unlikely now

pilates · 02/03/2018 09:03

X post, yes I would be taking the time to get your affairs sorted. Would you be able to get out and obtain legal advice?

FeedtheTree · 02/03/2018 09:05

Sounds like you've made the decision. If your parents are here for another month, don't do anything yet. use their support to build up your strength physically and emotionally, and once you'r emoving around again, maybe start putting yoru papers and possessions in order a bit. Tell them towards the end of their stay.

whiskyowl · 02/03/2018 09:06

Talk to your parents about it. They are likely to feel scared and alarmed, as it sounds like this will come as a shock, but I imagine they will be in your corner. Getting through the first part of this while you have supporters present seems like a good idea. It really sounds as though the marriage has run its course, so making a fresh start seems like a plan.

louisiana30 · 02/03/2018 09:07

Please talk to your parents and let them know what’s been happening and how you feel.
Of course they think he’s great, the show he puts on for them keeps them from seeing the real him. And if you have dealt with everything yourself how are they to know?

Get your financials in order and have a get out plan

Original poster
WhatTheFresh · 02/03/2018 09:09

Scrabbled I saw a solicitor 2 years ago and started to get my ducks in a row. Then he was nice to me. I managed to successfully get my name on everything (was previously not on anything) packed a getaway bag, made copies of papers etc.
I'm in a very good position in that respect but I know that with his pride hurt it'll be a struggle.

I'm torn between-
Hanging on and being able to make a good physical recovery /not having to struggle to work/renovating the house -selling it

Telling my parentsnow/telling him it's over/taking half of the renovation money for lawyers/living /expenses etc

OP posts:
PositivelyPERF · 02/03/2018 09:10

Spend your time laid up, to formulate a plan. You’ll need to work out how you’re going to support yourself and the kids, how are the kids you to get back and forth to school, where are you going to live and who is going to help you. You can’t let him know you’re leaving if you’re afraid of his reaction. You’re very vulnerable at the minute and need to be very careful with your plans. Good luck OP.

Horopu · 02/03/2018 09:12

Look after yourself and listen to all this good advice which I won't repeat.
My 2 pennyworth is that I had a car accident last July. I had very bad bruises but nothing else except that when I tried to return to work I realised how tired I was and how much worse my concentration/short term memory was. I'm still not back at work now because of Post Concussion Syndrome. I'm not saying you will have that, just that you need to be aware that the accident may affect you for longer than you expect. Good luck.

PositivelyPERF · 02/03/2018 09:12

Sorry op. X post. It’s such a refreshing change to read about a poster who is so canny. 😁

GrannyGrissle · 02/03/2018 09:13

Sorry to hear of your accident. It was after major illness i left DH he was a useless twat which was the icing on the cake for our dead in the water marriage. aI did a moonlight flit but there were no children involved. Plan it out, bide your time then go. Flowers

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