To think fuck it and just leave my husband :(

[WhatTheFresh]

I was involved in a car crash a few weeks ago- leaving me unable to do much physically because of my injuries

I spent the first week crying for my lost independence as I never sit still, am a very energetic person and I do pretty much everything for and with my children (8/10/12)

Luckily for me my mother and step dad flew over from their home (5 hours away) to help me get the children to school, clubs, housework and to help me. They've been nothing short of fantastic and I'm so grateful.

DH on the other hand- day 3 here of me being home and he was fed up I asked him to take washing back into the tumble drier (it was in for 20 minutes and damp) when my parents arrived he could not do enough for them however.

In the time since my accident he hasn't so much as given me a hug and I'm so fed up being in such a loveless marriage where I'm taken for granted.

My parents think he is wonderful. I know the truth.
Do I tell them whilst they are here? I think it would break their hearts? Do I want another few weeks after physio and feeling stronger?

My head says I need to wait (further complicted by us just having received the money to renovate our house to sell-do I just take half and tell him it's over?) I say this as I know him better than anybody and I'm confident he will turn nasty if I leave.

My head is so all over the place I think I need to hear other perspectives.

I don't want to write 8 pages but there's a massive backstory with H- he's not had a good record of being a reliable husband.

So sorry you're going through this. I know how you feel, he's like this because you have done everything. My STBEXH is the same, I have done everything for my DCs since they were born, I always prayed to God that something wouldn’t happen to me while they were babies, because he would not know how to take care of them. He doesn't even know how to change a nappy, and my eldest DS is turning 6 in September! If he can’t even take care of you after a car crash, what makes you think he will take care of you when you’re ill? What makes you think he will change?

I knew my marriage was over when after having been up all night with a upset stomach, vomiting most of the night and and only having 2 hours sleep, and waking up with a pounding headache he refused to help me feed and bathe the kids, and clean the house. So I was walking around the house with an upset stomach and a headache trying to hold it all together, and get everything done while he lay in bed playing on his phone. That’s when I realised I was married to a lazy man child who would never change, who couldn’t give a flying fuck about my wellbeing and being raised by a mother who did everything for him and believed housecleaning was a “woman’s work” didn’t help either.
You deserve someone who loves you, who cares about your wellbeing and health, who will take care of you when you’re ill, someone who will support you and be with you through thick and thin. And I don’t really like the sentence “help me” either, cuz what is he “helping” you with exactly? isn’t cleaning the house he’s living in and taking care of the children he’s helped you create his responsibility as much as it is yours? So he’s not “helping you”, he’s just doing his part. Took me a long time to realise this but being in a relationship is about being partners and being a team. Everyone should pull their weight, it’s two sided, not one sided. I encourage you to leave him, otherwise you will be dealing with everything until your children leave home and you will be old before your time and full of resentment . To be alone is better than to be in a unhappy relationship. If you do decide to leave him, you need to recover first and make plans. I wish you all the best

He sounds awful.

It’s great that you got ducks in a row two years ago: you can build on that work now. Get legal advice again and investigate housing options while your parents are there to assist with childcare and stuff.

Now might be a good time to tell your parents, but you might also need to ask them to keep the info confidential and try hard to act normal around your H, for your sake. Until you have a firm plan. If you think this is too much to ask of them or that they might tell him, perhaps wait.

Do not proceed with any renovations. Get legal advice asap!

Good luck, I hope you can get support from your Mum and Stepdad somehow. I do understand you have become very isolated. Sorry I have nothing useful to say but hoping you find the strength you need.

Bide your time (heal) but take the renovation money.
Hold off telling parents whilst they are over. Their response will alert your husband.
Get your ducks in a row.

Can you return the renovation £ loan? Tell your husband you don't want to do it for another year or so because you're unwell and there is no point in keeping the loan in the bank. Maybe tell him after you've returned it. If there's an argument, so what, you're going to leave him anyway. Just be sweet and reasonable even if you're faking.

There might be a “cooling off” period on the loan.

Imo do not tell anyone and do not leave until you are well.

No cooling off we remortgaged our home.

Can't you explain to your mum before you even tell her your plans that you need to tell her something, but that it's really important she knows that you need to play your cards very carefully and close to your chest to protect your future and the future of the DC. Tell her about the solicitor and that you need your ducks in a row first, but that you plan to leave STBXH. Only when she understands that he can't know yet do you tell her why. Could that work? Because the sooner they know, the more they can do to help you further the plan whilst they're here. Wishing you a good recovery.

allthat I'm afraid that wouldn't work. Mum thinks she's knows best and I know she'd tell close family and revel in the drama - I cannot risk it getting back to H. I'm making her sound terrible, she's really not.

Tell your parents, but they must not confront him. He is a classic narcissist. He wears a mask of charm but his real personality is what you see.

You must definitely leave him; it is not going to get better & I speak from Experience. Have you got friends who can support you emotionally once your parents go back?

I would try & go & see your lawyer whilst your parents are here. When the kids are at school and he is at work.
You need to transfer your half of the renovation money into your own account.

It is going to be tough as he will become more abusive at the time you decide to leave.

Your parents would not want you to be suffering like this

Op if I were you I'd say nothing. Bide your time and use the time to keep planning.

I'd tell him you need to postpone the work on the house until the summer as you are not strong enough to deal with it atm. That'll keep the money ready for you when you need it.

I wouldn't break the news until you have everything in place and are ready to go. In fact I would just go and leave a note. He doesn't deserve anything more.

Your parents will see for themselves what he's like and when the time comes they will understand.

I wish you a speedy recovery and just stay strong, keep plotting away silently and looking forward to the future and your liberation. Keep posting here if you can and it is safe to do so. You have an army of us behind you.

So sorry you don’t have anyone to turn to. It sounds really tough. I’m chronically ill. It took my dh several years to accept my limitations. He’s great now but wasn’t always this way. Denial, I think. Had I been less ill, I perhaps would have separated from him at times but then I suppose had I been less ill, I wouldn’t have been in the situation in the first place. Your husband is like it from the get go and even beforehand. So I don’t think there’s anything fixable here.

Regarding the solicitor, you could see the more senior partner or go on a recommendation. Any of your single friends have anyone?