To think fuck it and just leave my husband :(

[WhatTheFresh]

I was involved in a car crash a few weeks ago- leaving me unable to do much physically because of my injuries

I spent the first week crying for my lost independence as I never sit still, am a very energetic person and I do pretty much everything for and with my children (8/10/12)

Luckily for me my mother and step dad flew over from their home (5 hours away) to help me get the children to school, clubs, housework and to help me. They've been nothing short of fantastic and I'm so grateful.

DH on the other hand- day 3 here of me being home and he was fed up I asked him to take washing back into the tumble drier (it was in for 20 minutes and damp) when my parents arrived he could not do enough for them however.

In the time since my accident he hasn't so much as given me a hug and I'm so fed up being in such a loveless marriage where I'm taken for granted.

My parents think he is wonderful. I know the truth.
Do I tell them whilst they are here? I think it would break their hearts? Do I want another few weeks after physio and feeling stronger?

My head says I need to wait (further complicted by us just having received the money to renovate our house to sell-do I just take half and tell him it's over?) I say this as I know him better than anybody and I'm confident he will turn nasty if I leave.

My head is so all over the place I think I need to hear other perspectives.

I don't want to write 8 pages but there's a massive backstory with H- he's not had a good record of being a reliable husband.

Don't write him a letter, I would wait a bit, use this four weeks to get stronger and get finances in order, I personally would say nothing just yet. How long will the house take to do up and sell?

lostin3dspace
I'm very sorry to hear your story. You missed the beat bit though- you're no longer with him and you cannot do anything about those years you say you wasted so try to channel everything into the fact you are free. Free and able to do as you wish.

OP, please don't sit on this any longer, time is paramount, speak to your parents today, make it your priority. Tell them the hard truth, don't gloss over anything, tell them that you need, and value their support.
Life is short, don't bother doing up the house for further gain, as you know, renovations are stressful , and will only add to your situation.
You have four weeks, this can be sorted before your wonderful parents leave. Do speak to your Solicitor, and stay safe at all costs.
Thinking of you and wishing you a comfortable and speedy recovery.💐

Are you able to travel? If so, I would use the next 4 weeks to get things organised and then travel back with your parents for a few weeks until you're stronger.

I understand that you would want to confide in your parents, you are in a very vulnerable place.

However - you say that your parents think he's great and would be devastated and there really could be a chance that they might try to patch things over between you and thereby alert him to your thoughts of leaving.

You are right to cut him loose, nasty is nasty no matter what way you look at it, and of course he would not let your parents see that side of him. Your M+D sound very supportive and I'm sure they will be on your side when you need them later.

Sorry can't give much advice re H but I like to think I would leave him.
But just to say a couple of years back I had a horrendous car accident and was very lucky to be alive but I had so much damage to one of my legs they didn't think I would walk without a limp again let alone do a sport that I live for financially and emotionally. I was- 6 months later and a year later I could walk properly again, without a limp. I'm not saying it's all roses at all- I still have niggles but even when consultants/professionals tell you you won't be able to etc keep telling yourself you can! But I know how frustrating the getting there is- there were a lot of tears and question marks over whether I could. Make sure you get yourself a good physio and push yourself as much as you can. Hope you recovery quickly x

The added complication is my mother. When/If I tell her. She will not be placid she's likely to go absolutely apeshit if she hears the full story. my mother is a wonderful woman- she is VERY dramatic . I'm sorry if this sounds like dripfeeding.

They definitely have twigged that things are bit off
I think they're very shocked at how much he fucks off to bed during the day to nap as it's all a bit tiring for him

Sorry-can you tell I'm angry?

Confide in your parents but tell them you need to keep everything "normal" until you make the move.

Also, in the two years since your contacted the solicitor, your H will likely have been moving money around, hiding it, etc.

Wishing you a speedy recovery.

Crisp packet

I have 3 people who rely on me and to whom I am their rock. There's no alternative-I will get better and I'm determined that I will.

Tell your parents after they have left. Get yourself well first and accept all the love from your parents on this. Keep your powder dry on this. Strike when you are feeling healed and more able to physically cope.

Most of all wishing you a good recovery.

Been there. x

Can you tell your parents what is going on and ask them not to say anything just yet as he will become nasty with them too and you need him kept sweet for longer?
Glad you started getting your ducks in a row two years ago.

Vernazza

I took control of the finances about a month after I saw the solicitor so I know where the money goes and waited for some shares to mature so I could pay off some debts. Then I slowly got my name on everything so I'm in a much stronger position.

He has no idea I saw someone for advice.

From what you say, I wouldn't say anything to anyone. Write a letter to yourself, so you remember this time and hold on to your anger. Make plans to go through what you did 2 years ago re: finances, paperwork and lawyer. I wouldn't give risk giving him the slightest little inkling while you are so very much on the back foot.

Can you put the renovation money aside anyway, as you surely don't want to undertake renovations now while you are not fit?

Or, if you are planning to sell the property anyway, would it be an idea to get that all done asap (not sure what kind of renovations you are talking about obviously), get the property on the market and then make your move?

I'd strongly suspected my STBXH would turn nasty when I broached the split but in the event I was wrong. It seems stress was making me more paranoid and defensive than usual. And I think once the shit has hit the fan it can be in people's interests to play nicely. (Not always obviously). You must be at a very low ebb after your accident - what a terrible ordeal. Take time to recouperate and crystallise your exit plan. It may go better than you hope if you decide this is the catalyst for change. It does sound as if you've made your mind up. Hope you're recovering well.

They definitely have twigged that things are bit off

If that’s the impression you’re getting then I can almost guarantee they’ve twigged much more than that. When I was with my abusive ex my family were always very careful not to say anything too bad about him (because they knew I’d get defensive and shut them out if they went too far), but after I finally left him it all came out. They knew much, much more than I thought they did.

I’m so sorry about your awful accident and I hope you make a full recovery. I second what others have said about telling your parents now while you have their full support. Once you open up to someone it will start to feel so much easier.

I broke my arm while I was with my ex (nothing anywhere near as bad as you I know) and I was truly shocked by his behaviour while I was recovering. First he laughed at me down the phone when I called him from hospital to tell him what had happened. Then he ‘looked after’ me at home and was lovely to me for about two days, after which he went back to expecting me to do all the cooking and housework (one handed!) and have sex with him every night. I quite often wish that I’d listened to my gut then and left him, but unfortunately I stayed another three years and it only got worse

loveatthefiveansdime

This is my quandary- I cannot work out what's for the best. Because I am aware of how manipulative H can be I'm hesitant to renovate. I don't have an income that can keep three kidsas I gave my career up and worked a small part time job so I'd be around for the children (H has worked all over internationally)

Will he kick me out of the house? Will he force the sale? Will he withhold any money? If the answers to any of those questions are yes- I may be better off having some cash at my disposal- I'm not sure 20 new windows, 2new bathrooms and a new kitchen are going to help me much there.

I'm so confused. I know I'm luckier than others. 2 years ago I didn't have half the options I have now.

How long is your recovery expected to take?

Could you and the kids travel back with your parents and stay with them over the Easter holiday under the guise of giving your DH a break, and use that time to open up to your parents and start planning your get away?

Hi OP don't tell your parents as you'll have your mothers dramatics to contend with too and it will all blow up in an unhelpful way.
A month is a long time for him to put on an act, but you could slip the odd poignant fact in when they notice something, yes he always has an afternoon nap etc just facts and they will start to see and experience it. Keep relying on your DH as you would normally if your parents weren't here- don't defer to them for things and he will reveal himself once the tiny things all visitors do annoy him and you won't need to explain a thing.
Remember you are currently physically vulnerable as well as pressured by him mentally and emotionally. Plan, time is on your side, stay positive and best wishes for your recovery.

Just my opinion, but I would think that renovating a house is the last thing you need right now, even if it could potentially lead to financial gains in the long run. If you’re saying you have access to a large sum of money in the bank at the moment then I’d say that seems like the ideal situation in which to leave. But definitely get legal advice on that.

NotDavid
Another few weeks then extensive physio.

I've researched and although my mobility will come back it can take up to a year to be as good as before. My DC are older now which is a relief!

I cannot stay with them at Easter they will be with my brother who lives abroad also (20 hour plus travel time)

Can your parents take you home to their house to give you some breathing space. Put it to your husband that it will be a break for him

withhindsight

That's a very interesting point as previously they've only ever stayed for 2 weeks which he's managed to keep up the facade.

He's starting to slip and cannot keep up now
They've definitely noticed how lazy he is.

No cece they can't
My DC have school and my folks are away at Easter.

Sadly it sounds as if you need to be really really careful and clever to get out of this with the minimum risk of further bad events although perhaps some are unavoidable. You have made the most impressive preparations for this.

Could you choose whichever of your Mum and Stepdad you think is calmer and say you need to talk something private over at length (if necessary hint it is a 'personal', worry, a result if the accident such as anxiety about cars, worries about incontinence, a fiction that provides good cover) and ask the other one to hold the fort with kids and anything else to give you a couple of hours uninterrupted conversation.

You then tell the chosen confidant you need to be rescued. You don't have to tell them all the details at this stage the priority is creat8ng a safe workable plan. You can work out with them how to include the other person and how you wil all keep up appearances until you are ready to leave. Your safety and your children's is paramount (your DM and DSD too of course). Good luck

Hi OP. I am divorced from a man who sounds very like your exH and the first time I really started to see the light about him was when I had an operation in hospital go wrong. I could have died and he did not even come to see me or collect me from the hospital when I was discharged, he went out partying instead - one of my lovely friends drove 30 miles to collect me.

I realised then that, exactly as you say, I was just a convenience and he did not care about me as a person at all. I was stupid and should have left then. I was not hugely surprised when I found out the following year that he had been having affairs all the time we were married.

Like yours my exH was a high flyer and very nasty to other people. Predictably he turned that on me when we split and has continued to do so.

Based on my experience I would say you need time to get better and to get everything together to leave. Home, schools, money all need to be planned. See a solicitor again and discuss timing of proceedings and maintenance with them. Your parents cannot be relied on to keep it from him so I agree with the PP who said tell them after they have gone home.

Absolutely hang on to the renovation money (was it a bank loan by the way and if so are you jointly liable for it? Something to consider). Just tell your H for now that you are still under the weather and renovations should be put back a couple of months (which you can stretch into 6 if you need to).

I think you should make a definite plan to leave on a certain date when all your ducks are in a row. That gives you something to work towards. In the meantime concentrate on keeping everything looking the same at home, but being as boring as possible so he does not pay attention to you IYSWIM.

One final word based on my (bitter) experience, go for more capital and less maintenance in the divorce because if he can jerk you around on money out of revenge post divorce he will. You want to have as much control of your finances and as little dependence on him as possible.