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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think fuck it and just leave my husband :(

88 replies

WhatTheFresh · 02/03/2018 08:50

I was involved in a car crash a few weeks ago- leaving me unable to do much physically because of my injuries

I spent the first week crying for my lost independence as I never sit still, am a very energetic person and I do pretty much everything for and with my children (8/10/12)

Luckily for me my mother and step dad flew over from their home (5 hours away) to help me get the children to school, clubs, housework and to help me. They've been nothing short of fantastic and I'm so grateful.

DH on the other hand- day 3 here of me being home and he was fed up I asked him to take washing back into the tumble drier (it was in for 20 minutes and damp) when my parents arrived he could not do enough for them however.

In the time since my accident he hasn't so much as given me a hug and I'm so fed up being in such a loveless marriage where I'm taken for granted.

My parents think he is wonderful. I know the truth.
Do I tell them whilst they are here? I think it would break their hearts? Do I want another few weeks after physio and feeling stronger?

My head says I need to wait (further complicted by us just having received the money to renovate our house to sell-do I just take half and tell him it's over?) I say this as I know him better than anybody and I'm confident he will turn nasty if I leave.

My head is so all over the place I think I need to hear other perspectives.

I don't want to write 8 pages but there's a massive backstory with H- he's not had a good record of being a reliable husband.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatTheFresh · 02/03/2018 09:57

PearlyG8

There's nobody. Unfortunately we have no friends as a family- any friends I have had previously H has done the same and played at being Disney dad - I confided in a "friend" once and she told DH Angry never again.

Any new friends I've made I've done so without including my husband and I've been pretty honest about my situation -it's a weird situation but I'm pretty much accepted as a single parent.

I'm leaning towards telling my parents on the last day so they know and so mum can't do anything to jeopardise my plans. But they can support me over the phone

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatTheFresh · 02/03/2018 10:21

Thanks Balerica
I just you a PM x

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 02/03/2018 11:07

I don't have anything new to add to everyone else, but this is what i would do:

i wouldn't tell your mum on the last day. you have no idea what she might do. instead i would encourage the situation such that your dh shows his true colours. don't hide his behaviour. don't cover for him. show him up for what he is and don't get drawn into the discussion with your mum and step dad. let them draw their own conclusions. don't get tempted to start slagging him off. it's imperative that they don't blow your cover and i don't think you can trust them not to.

go and find a shl (shit hot lawyer) and make sure you've got an action plan. you've already done most of the stuff, but there's probably a few bits and bobs you need to think about.

don't spend the renovation money. instead try to build up as much savings as you can. have a date in mind that you can think 'it's only for x amount longer. by x date i will have left' and you can repeat to yourself when needed.

grey rock for just getting through the time. your main focus is getting out of this as unscathed and with as little impact on the kids as possible.

good luck, and we're all here for you.

Original poster
WhatTheFresh · 02/03/2018 12:00

Thanks Eddie
I've had some alone time to contemplate.

I think that's sage advice.
I rather suspect my folks are starting to notice stuff as the days go on- I'm afraid I've been guilty of slagging him off from sheer frustration when either of them have gushed- my bad

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 02/03/2018 12:12

It’s pretty clear yanbu, but I’m a bit concerned that you decided to post here and not in relationships. Do you think he might have actually brainwashed you into thinking that there is a chance that you’re bu?

I suspect that you’d only get a mixed response if you asked whether you’d be unreasonable to use the renovation money to “replace the patio”

Original poster
WhatTheFresh · 02/03/2018 12:14

ohfour

Yes I absolutely have been gaslit -it's been a long 17 years. It won't get to 18.

OP posts:
HopeClearwater · 02/03/2018 12:21

Best of luck OP - having been married a similarly long time (but now split) I often think about a future in which the husband gets ill / disabled / injured (highly likely as he is a dreadful alcoholic) and then I get to be his carer - no thank you very much! Imagine that while you are recovering, and use it as an incentive to plan your exit.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 02/03/2018 12:28

OP, I know exactly what you are going through and someone said to me, what will you wish you had done in 5 years time. I knew then that leaving ASAP was the best option for me. Your ducks will never fully be in a row. You have only one precious life and you must enjoy it. Your parents will understand in time and your kids deserve to see how proper relationships work. You don’t want them thinking it’s normal to live the way you are. You can do this and you will be happier on the orherside.

GabriellaMontez · 02/03/2018 12:44

Don't underestimate your parents. They probably had suspicions that have now been confirmed.

If your mum is a tiger I would channel that. Get them to take you to a solicitor. Help with tasks you need to do.

If it was my child I'd want to know and support.

Why and how could he throw you out? Why are you even contemplating this in your home?

Don't cover for him anymore.

Redland12 · 02/03/2018 12:48

OP I too am wanting to leave my H been together 40 yrs, I've given him so many chances to give up alcohol, made our lives a misery. Gave up for 5 years but thought he had it under control and started again. The verbal abuse is horrible, children 28,26 don't stay as long as I have. Has a great job but I want out, I think you know when you get to that point, sounds like you have. Good luck. Get better soon 💐

rothbury · 02/03/2018 12:51

I agree with PP, I wouldn't tell your parents at this point in case they blow up at him and spoil your plans.

I would try to persuade DH that you should hold off on having the work done until you are better/parents have left.

Get all your ducks in a row. Is the money enough for you to pay deposit and rent somewhere for you and DC? It doesn't sound like he would move out and you say he may turn nasty, so you need to make your safety a priority.

Once you are out safely, get a divorce petition sorted. You should be entitled to 20% of his take home pay for the DC. As you have a long marriage, your future earning potential, which may be negatively impacted following your accident, might also be taken into account when assets are divided up.

Can you try to get hold of any pension documents/share info/savings etc etc?

Good luck Flowers

QueenOfAccidentalDeathStares · 02/03/2018 12:55

I can't add to the advice given here, but just wanted to say you sound like a fantastically strong woman, and I hope you get well soon Flowers

PippinOrange · 02/03/2018 13:03

My thoughts:-

  1. Don't let on to him your plans. Just be "normal as poss".
  2. Delay the renovations - think of various excuses - you want a different quote/builder/etc etc. You can do this for at least a few months.
  3. All this time your health will be improving.
  4. As soon as you feel able, see a solicitor again?

Your parents: I am not sure why this is complicating the issue, to be honest. Do you have to even tell them? Why are you so worried about their reaction? Or what they "think" of your "DH". Surely they would believe you/take your side? If they are going to mess things up for whatever reason, don't bloody tell them! If you do feel you need to tell them, make sure they understand that hysterics and telling your "DH" will make matters 1000 times worse. If you need practical or emotional support, are they going to be able to provide this, either here or 1000 miles away? Only you know your parents. Either way, you are very fortunate they are supporting you whilst you are so ill. Make the most of that, even ask them to stay longer Biscuit?!

Really, once you've made your mind up the rest is more about planning and protecting yourself. He sounds horrible, and agree with the poster who said never stay with someone who you feel could "turn nasty".

Also recovery can take longer than you think ...

Ducks in a row ... ducks in a row ...

PippinOrange · 02/03/2018 14:04

And P.S. sorry to hear of your accident, its really awful to feel so bad, and realise you are not going to get the support and love you need Flowers.

Trinity66 · 02/03/2018 14:23

you poor thing :( I would wait until you're feeling stronger again though before doing anything

Original poster
WhatTheFresh · 02/03/2018 15:03

Wow you are amazing

I felt like hell this morning - now more positive

OP posts:
caringdenise009 · 02/03/2018 15:48

You seem very sure that you wish to end your marriage, which I think is a good thing because you don't have to weigh up your options and think about regrets as far as that goes.

I was in your position and did tell about ten weeks before I left. I thought he would be hateful because of the hurt pride thing,in fact he was as nice as pie for as long as he could keep up the act. That meant he could present the public with the image of a bewildered reasonable man who did all he could to save his family, in the face of someone who wouldn't listen to reason.

How long will the renovations take and how stressful will that be versus the financial benefit to you in the future? If the money will be a great improvement, could you keep your powder dry and make your arrangements then present him with a fait accomplis? It would surely benefit him financially too, and if he's nasty about it you won't have to put up with it, and if he puts on his nice face that's fine too.

PurpleNailVarnish · 02/03/2018 16:10

My honest advice is to get out as soon as you are physically well enough.
Though I emphasise that you need to be physically well as you will need to tap into your energy reserves to leave him.

As for telling your parents; I think holding off until they leave or just before they leave is wise.
An outburst from your Mum will tip off your H and this will enable him to get his ducks in a row.

Let the next homeowner do the renovations.
Lots of homebuyers would prefer to pay less for a property as they plan to rip out the existing bathrooms and kitchen and put their own stamp on a property, however lovely you make them.

It sounds as though your accident was serious.
These sort of events make us aware of our own mortality.
Without knowing the backstory he sounds awful. Don't waste another moment on this man, as I'm sure you know, life really is too short.

Do be prepared for him to put up a nasty fight and get yourself a fierce solicitor, experienced who will slug it out on your behalf.

MrsJonesAndMe · 02/03/2018 17:14

Bide your time until you are well enough. Sounds like you will need all your strength. Good luck with your recovery. Confide in your parents if you can trust them not to talk to him about it all and create drama.

TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally · 02/03/2018 17:22

Another one saying get your ducks in a row first. Find a good lawyer and build your strength - as if he is likely to turn nasty then you will need to be as strong as possible. Your parents can provide emotional support nearer the time. Defnitely delay the renovations - in fairness if you are recovering from a serious accident then now is not the time to be embarking on a massive project anyway.

Original poster
WhatTheFresh · 02/03/2018 20:36

Yes I think you're right
The solicitor I saw was ok but not brilliant -she was a bit wishy-washy but mentioned the senior partner was very well versed with dealing with nasty husbands so I might request I have him instead.

Thank you -I'm going to wait until I'm physically on the mend-hoping that late spring with the youngest dc's birthday out of the way I can start to make changes.

Terrifying thought although not as scary as the thought of living like this in 10 years time.Sad

OP posts:
PurpleNailVarnish · 02/03/2018 22:25

It was the grab bag.
IME if you've got a grab bag ready you've got enough reason to think you might need to run and fast.

Stay safe while you're waiting for your time.

Do call Women's Aid if you need to.
Even if you have enough money to leave they can still be an invaluable source of support.

confusedlittleone · 03/03/2018 08:21

A good lawyer will get you more then half of everything especially as you won't make an 100% recovery. Any dc? That will also get you more

Original poster
WhatTheFresh · 03/03/2018 09:53

I've been a very loyal and hardworking partner. Unfortunately I gave up my career and prospects 12 years ago to support our family and his career has skyrocketed-there's no way I'm walking away without being compensated for it.

Obviously you don't know the backstory and I'm not going to bore you with every detail but I'm not walking away without a fight. Long TERM I could see H insisting on maintenance then giving up his job and moving in his his very wealthy parents.

I have to plan for every eventuality.

OP posts:
abigailsnan · 03/03/2018 10:15

My heart goes out to you What and am sorry to hear of your accident don't underestimate how much your mum knows of the situation us mums can read an asshole SIL like a book I know as I have had to deal with one.
Get back your strength and make a life for yourself with your children and ignore him totally and let your legal team deal with him.
Best of luck with your recovery sweetie take it slowly,even employ some part time help for a while when your mum goes and make him pay for the service.