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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To be upset that my best friend hasn't bought my child a birthday present?

95 replies

Magicdancingboots · 02/03/2018 07:55

I really hate to admit that this has upset me, and I think I just need a reality check.
AIBU to expect my best friend of 10+ years to get my child a birthday present or at least a card? It's soooooo not about the money, just a card would do or a book for a couple of quid because she knows she loves books. Am I asking too much and being a complete bitch for thinking this? She's the type of friend that will chew your ear off for an hour and barely asks about how me or dd are. She lives about 5mins away and is a very organised person so would never had forgotten.
I can't quite pin point what it is exactly that upsets me...am I just being an unreasonable selfish cow and need to get over it? (I'm also ready to pop with ds so I am feeling extra hormonal too!)

OP posts:
DontFundHate · 02/03/2018 07:56

Totally unreasonable sorry! Good luck with DS

RJnomore1 · 02/03/2018 07:57

Lots of people will say you're unreasonable but I think you're feeling the relationship is a bit one sided and this is focusing that.

You give her an ear what do you get back from her?

And no I'm not suggesting friendship is transactional but it SHOULD be mutual.

Mintylemons · 02/03/2018 07:57

YABU

PurpleDaisies · 02/03/2018 07:57

Do you buy for her children? Does she have a relationship with your child?

When lots of friends have kids it gets totally ridiculous. I only buy for close family children and god children now.

Kokeshi123 · 02/03/2018 07:58

I don't expect presents or cards for my child from friends. It sounds like the kind of thing that could quite easily get out of hand and become exhausting. YABU.

Wishfulmakeupping · 02/03/2018 07:59

It’s really just the thought isn’t it op an acknowledgement- agree not on a card at least

Mulberry72 · 02/03/2018 07:59

YABU. Sorry.

martellandginger · 02/03/2018 07:59

Has she bought before? Pre kids it would never enter my head to buy gifts for friends children.

Situp · 02/03/2018 08:00

I totally understand you being upset but YABU.

Don't focus on it and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

EdmundCleverClogs · 02/03/2018 08:01

I can't quite pin point what it is exactly that upsets me.

You’ve answered this yourself,

She's the type of friend that will chew your ear off for an hour and barely asks about how me or dd are.

This isn’t about your child’s birthday, this seems to be about a one sided relationship with your friend. You have three choices, talk to her, drop her or just carry like this.

ilovesooty · 02/03/2018 08:02

I don't usually buy birthday cards and presents for frienfs' children. I did when I went to one of their birthday parties of course and often pick them up a small gift if I'm on holiday though.

ThorsMistress · 02/03/2018 08:02

YANU sorry.

My best friend of 10+ years doesn’t get my DS a card or present and never has done. But I also haven’t gotten her DD a card or present either. Doesn’t mean to say I don’t love her any less or that she loves my DS any less.

kaytee87 · 02/03/2018 08:03

I don't expect my friends to buy for my ds.
I do expect them to care about me though (as I care about them)

Kitsandkids · 02/03/2018 08:04

Does she have a big family? I do. I made the decision when my friends started having children not to buy for their birthdays. Otherwise it would cost me an absolute fortune!

MargaretCavendish · 02/03/2018 08:05

Maybe I'm a terrible friend, but I've never bought a present for a friend's child. I send a generous gift when baby is born, and include them on the Christmas card I send to the family, but the only child I buy a birthday and Christmas present for is my nephew. It would never occur to me, in the same way that I don't buy presents for friends' husband's/partners - they're not my friend, they're a close relation of my friend. As far as I can see none of my other friends are buying for each others' children either. I do of course ask about their children, so if this is about the fact she never asks about you and seems self-centred then focus on that, not the present.

Original poster
Magicdancingboots · 02/03/2018 08:07

She doesn't have any kids and no nieces or nephews. I buy presents for my friends kids in our close circle. Oh is the same with his few close friends.
She's never really interested in dd and maybe that is my issue!

OP posts:
coffeemugged · 02/03/2018 08:09

YABU
I have never started he buying presents for kids thing as it mushrooms with more kids etc.

AlwaysPondering · 02/03/2018 08:11

My closest friend and I do buy presents. She had a child first and would have been so upset if I didn't get her DC a gift and as I was used to buying gifts for my nephews it would have been unusual for me not to. Since having DC she has obviously done the same.

However I have another friend who I have known since school. We are still close (although not on the same scale as other friend) and we don't do gifts. It's cheaper not to.

I would not take it to heart OP unless she has DC you buy for although I can see why you are feeling a little upset.

Copperspot · 02/03/2018 08:12

I think you are more bothered that it is / feels like a one sided friendship. I stopped buying for my friends kids as i’m a single person with no kids on a low wage. If i bought for them all at birthday / xmas that has an impact on me. Also i obviously don’t get anything back as i don’t have kids.

I would forget about the present, but consider if you want to consider the friendship if it is so one sided. Two seperate issues.

Jazzy11 · 02/03/2018 08:16

YANBU I would expect at least a card from my best friend of 10+ years Who lives 5 mins away. 100% nothing to do with money whatsoever even if she made the card( although you can get some for like 29p)

Enuffsenuffsenuff · 02/03/2018 08:17

I don't think YABU on the basis that I would always buy birthday and Christmas gifts for my best friend's kids. I think it's a bit mean not to (as you say, she'd only need to spend a couple of pounds!). Lots of MNers think expecting anything from anyone ever is entitlement, but I think when you have a close relationship with someone you actually ARE entitled to expect that they'll be engaged with things that matter to you, like your kids.

It may be that there is a pragmatic reason for it - maybe she just has a lot on her plate and forgot? So I wouldn't make a fuss on the basis of this alone. But if there's a wider pattern of one-sidedness it might be something to address.

Flutterbyeee · 02/03/2018 08:19

A mum in my circle will contact the parent of any class child who is having a birthday party if her daughter has not received an invite. She will ask if her daughter can attend (most if the time they are so gobsmacked they say yes) and she will turn up with her child...no present.... No card. Her excuse will be she didn't have enough notice.

user1483808257 · 02/03/2018 08:20

YANBU. It obviously is deeper than the present. It doesn't make you selfish or unreasonable to want your best friend to care!

In my experience friends without kids can sometimes just not realise x

PurpleDaisies · 02/03/2018 08:20

She doesn't have any kids and no nieces or nephews. I buy presents for my friends kids in our close circle.

So she buys for all your children and doesn’t get anything in return?

KC225 · 02/03/2018 08:21

If she usually gets a gift and your child has had a birthday within the last couple of days you are being unreasonable. She may only live 5 minutes away but there has been a lot going.

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