AIBU To be upset that my best friend hasn't bought my child a birthday present?

[Magicdancingboots]

I really hate to admit that this has upset me, and I think I just need a reality check.
AIBU to expect my best friend of 10+ years to get my child a birthday present or at least a card? It's soooooo not about the money, just a card would do or a book for a couple of quid because she knows she loves books. Am I asking too much and being a complete bitch for thinking this? She's the type of friend that will chew your ear off for an hour and barely asks about how me or dd are. She lives about 5mins away and is a very organised person so would never had forgotten.
I can't quite pin point what it is exactly that upsets me...am I just being an unreasonable selfish cow and need to get over it? (I'm also ready to pop with ds so I am feeling extra hormonal too!)

I don’t know what her personal situation is but another thing worth noting is that following my miscarriages I found it incredibly painful to hear about pregnancies or babies. I had to look away when I saw a pregnant woman or baby so I would have found it impossible to be around one. If this or infertility is an issue for her, that could also explain why.

I am a sahm at the moment so dd is my life.

I'd recommend you get some other things in your life - including better friends than this perhaps.

Never buy for friends dc and they never bought for mine. I am totally interested in all their dcs lives but no presents or cards. It is too many. Buy for nieces and nephews and thats it. I wouldn't bother about this. Its the whole friendship that matters so decide on that. My dcs are grown now and my friends mean everything to me.

I'd recommend you get some other things in your life

Thanks for the suggestion @Trills but I don't think anyone will employ me at 39weeks pregnant 😂

When people in your circle of friends lives start changing so do people's priorities.
I remember having small children. They were the centre of my world.
Some of single childless friends were polite and made the right comments and noises but essentially our friendship changed. I did have 1 or 2 childless friends who seemed to adore my dd too but mostly Not. Friendships fidnt go badly but our differences in priorities just evolved. Centre of thier world's were their careers, holidays, nights out, fashion etc. Mine was my young family.
What I'm trying yo say is that whilst on the front of it it's obvious having a child is a massive life event, childless friends are still riding the crest of their "carefree" lives. They simply have not fully taken in board the mother instinct being a mum brings out in us.
It's not a bad or personal or negative act. You are both simply at different stages of life with different priorities.

If your friendship has other issues then concentrate on them but you have to accept the fact no wonder how marvellous your young family is to you, to some people, and especially those yet to have a can't thry just don't really get it.

Maybe she's like me, in that she doesn't like obsessively going over the same topic again and again. Not in that I think someone is boring for talking about their baby, but in that I assume they must get asked nothing but questions about the baby? I am getting married this year, and the only question people ask me nowadays is how wedding planning is going!

I always ask my friends about themselves first and any children second.

I think Pinkvoid has hit the nail on the head. Pre DD it would never have occurred to me to buy anyone's children other than family a card or present. Although she doesn't sound much like a friend anyway.

YABU

Does your DD buy presents for her? So it’d be a bit one-sided wouldn’t it? I would never expect my friends to buy presents for DC.

A close friend of mine had children in her early 20s, at the time I said I had no interest in children and would never have any of my own. When I saw her it was when she was child free, when the kids were young I rarely asked about them and I didn't buy Christmas or Birthday gifts. She knew I wasn't interested in kids and I rarely saw them but we maintained our friendship. We would meet up for nights out mostly. Over the years as her children got older I saw them a little but never went out and did activities with them. I started asking how they were a little more and had bought Christmas gifts for a couple of years.

Fast forward a decade or so and I am married and have a DD 11 months. My friend showed up when she was born with a lovely baby box with gifts (clothes, nappies etc) and her children were so excited to see my DD. She has also given me some toys her children had grown out of. In this last year I have seen her children more, done child friendly activities and generally met up more frequently.

It occurred to me how unsupportive I was all those years ago and apologised. She said she understood why I was how I was but she appreciated a friend that was her friend and not just around to see the kids. She said it was nice to have a friend that still saw her as her and not 'just' her kids Mum.

You just have to look at your friendship. You can have Mum friends and Your friends. You are still the person you were before children, that's who your friend is friends with.

I have 3 DC and none of them have ever received a birthday gift from my friends. I think it's normal and fine. No child needs a gift or card from all the people they know.

If she chews your ear off about herself but isn't interested in what is happening with you then she is a selfish friend. But I don't think the problem is with how she celebrates your Dad's birthday.

I don't think it's particularly healthy for a child to get presents from his parents friends. Kids need to see that you are your own people.
You have friends and a life that sometimes doesn't involve them. I'd be cross if a friend didn't get me a card but not my child.

YANBU to be upset at her talking about herself and not asking about you.

YAB completely U to expect her to buy your DD a present, or a card.

Remember she is friends with you not your DD.

Would you expect your friend to buy your DH a birthday present? If not, then why would you expect her to buy your DD one?

I am childfree by choice and I would never think of buying any presents or cards in your friends situation. In fact the reason why I don't have children is because nothing about having one appeals so whilst I can make small talk about others peoples children I would have to fake anything more beyond that.

I think this is often why friends drift apart when one of them has a child because your child becomes your life and priorities change but for the other friend their priorities don't change.

Elmo, that is very sweet and very honest.

YABU. sorry, because I think you wanted support! If you are child-free you simply are not on the wavelength of 'my dd is my life'. You just don't think like that so it is misguided to expect gifts. she's not doing it deliberately, more that she just hasn't thought of it.

If, however, your issue is really that she ignores YOU, then that is different.

I don't think Trills was suggesting that you go to work, don't be silly. It would be nice though, if you could have some things that don't include DD, because you are still 'you', not just someones mum.

I don't think YABU. One of my closest friends buys my DS gifts at Xmas and birthdays and I know she does it because she cares about my son. She's my friend, yes, but she loves him too. My other closest friend never has. But also she never asks about him either. Both have no children. I think when you have kids they can become such a huge part of your life that when someone doesn't ask you about them it does come across as though they don't care about you. I don't like golf but if my friend started playing it professionally I'd certainly ask her about it and support her.

Another voice saying YABU to expect a friend to mark your child's birthday in anyway. She isn't your child's friend or godparent somher relationship is with you not your DC. I know some people who do buy for their friend's kids, but it shouldn't be expected.

That being said, she doesn't sound like much of a friend in other ways, let alone a best friend.

It might be your hormones making extra sensitive ATM. Let this go for now and see how you feel in a few weeks time.

Actually I have two DDs, am a SAHM and still would never say they are my life! Or expect my friends to get them presents.

Honestly OP remember you are a separate person from your DD. Soon enough she will start nursery and school and have her own friends. Your friends are your friends and hers will be hers.

Just to clarify I don't EXPECT anyone to but my DS anything. But I understand that it's upsetting when close friends are uninterested in your children.

Only YANBU if you actually ask her to the birthday party and she shows up empty handed.

Many people have no interest in other people's children and pregnancies, especially childless people. That's normal.

This is ridiculous, your world might revolve around your DD but your friend’s definitely doesn’t. I have a DD and have plenty of childless friends. Some buy her presents and like to see her, others have very little interest and that’s absolutely fine. In fact I love having friends to go out in the evening with and talk about everything except for children. It’s you that your friend is friends with, not your DD and if you’d consider ending a friendship over the lack of a present then it sounds like there isn’t really any relationship there anyway and she’d be well rid of such a baby bore.

Lucky I'm thick skinned eh @TroubledLitchen

My 2 oldest friends buy for my DC, but what upsets me is that they never bother to get the presents to me on time ... one friend, who doesn't work and has no kids (lady of leisure!) usually gets gifts to me 3 months late: I'm still waiting for the Christmas presents, actually! I posted hers to her, so she got hers on time (she has no kids - by choice - so I buy for her). My other friend contacted me on DS1's last birthday to say, 'oh so sorry, forgot about his birthday' even though I'd mentioned his birthday to her the week before. She works 10 hours pw and has 2 adult DC so again she's not mega rushed off her feet. One of my DC has severe learning difficulties and it's amazing how many people just don't bother getting cards/gifts to him on time ... almost seems like an after thought. I know there's bigger things to worry about but it does wind me up - especially when they and their DC have always had their stuff on time. I don't think YABU, your friend is obviously wrapped up in herself.

In response to the comments "but she's your friend not your kids friend", "some people just don't have an interest in kids" etc...

Isn't the point that friends are supposed to take an interest and be supportive in your life, regardless of what's going on? Is a simple "how's the little one doing?" or a birthday card in the post so much to ask?

An example: friend gets new job and moans about it. I have no interest or knowledge on what she is talking about but I'm there for her because she's my friend. Next time I see her I'll ask how the jobs going.

Or, friend starts new diet which means we need to be less free with where we go for dinner, can't do our usual wine meet ups etc. Again, not ideal and I can't empathise with it but I'll still be supportive and ask her how she's getting on now and then.

My thinking is, I have about 7 close girlfriends. I buy cards and gifts for them every birthday and Christmas, always have. Some have children and some haven't (yet) but say they all had 2 children each, to buy for the children as well as my friends would get crazy so we've always had a no gifts for kids rule. Kids get loads anyway from parents and family so they don't miss out. The only time i do buy for the kids is if I'm their godmother or if my lo gets invited to their birthday party.

As for your friend not showing much interest in you lo, I know it's hard when your lo is your world but other people's children often aren't of much interest to other people and if she doesn't have kids herself then she won't even have the standard parenting things in common to chat about.

If she's you're friend and you like her then just try and value her for the friendship and how she treats you. Try not to get too hung up about her not fussing over your lo. I'm sure your lo has loads of people who dots on her and she won't be missing out because your friend didn't get her a card or gift.

My eldest DD doesn't want children and doesn't really want anything to do with babies/younger children. She doesn't buy or take much interest in her close friends children, tbh, I'm embarrassed about it when I bump into them.

Is the conversation one-sided because you've become a babybore? Ore are you only just realising that she isn't a real friend?

I advise my DD (with DC) to keep non-Mum friendships going, even if its just a meet up every few months. There'll come a time when you might value a non-pressured friendship.