AIBU To be upset that my best friend hasn't bought my child a birthday present?

[Magicdancingboots]

I really hate to admit that this has upset me, and I think I just need a reality check.
AIBU to expect my best friend of 10+ years to get my child a birthday present or at least a card? It's soooooo not about the money, just a card would do or a book for a couple of quid because she knows she loves books. Am I asking too much and being a complete bitch for thinking this? She's the type of friend that will chew your ear off for an hour and barely asks about how me or dd are. She lives about 5mins away and is a very organised person so would never had forgotten.
I can't quite pin point what it is exactly that upsets me...am I just being an unreasonable selfish cow and need to get over it? (I'm also ready to pop with ds so I am feeling extra hormonal too!)

YABU
She is friends with you , not your child. Especially if she doesn't have kids herself . It never occurred to me when my friends all started having kids on their early 30's. I didn't get what a big deal it was. Thought it was like someone having a hobby that I wasn't really interested in.

Yabu

She's YOUR friend

I think having children massively changes friendships. The people I was closest to before having children are not the same people I am close to now. Still friends with the same group of people but the people I expected more from have actually showed the least interest in my kids. I have had one friend of 20yrs disappear since having children-she was supposed to be my maid of honour at my wedding, that's how close we were. Others I'm still friendly with but their lack of interest in anything to do with my kids is evident. And some friendships which have become stronger and they have great relationships with me and my children. It is upsetting but sadly you can't expect people to take an active interest unless they want to.

I take it this is the first birthday, as you don't mention her having bought/not bought in the past? If so, I just think this is genuinely different expectations - as the thread shows, not everyone routinely buys for friends' children.

Is she not interested in DD, or not interested in you? As a childless person (now expecting my first, all being well) I've often struggled to know what to ask about friends' children - I do always do a 'and how's Alice?' or whatever, but (especially early on) I don't know what else to say. You don't want to ask if they're doing milestone things yet, because people can get very wound up about that. I think of it a bit like asking about people's jobs - I always ask 'how's work?' and sometimes the friend then wants to chat about some specific issue, but most of the time it's quite a brief conversation, and I'd struggle to explain most of my friends' jobs if I'm honest. I'm asking because I care about my friend and their happiness, not because I really want to know more about their child or job.

She chose to be your friend. It hurts a little when someone whose opinion you care about doesn’t ‘get’ your child, but it is a little unreasonable to expect them to.

My friendship circle changed after kids. I still keep in touch with pre-kid friends, but it tailed off a lot in the early days.

She's the type of friend that will chew your ear off for an hour and barely asks about how me or dd are.

This seems like more of a problem than not being interested in your child's birthday.

Is she a good friend to you?

Thing is, some people "do" birthdays and cards, and some don't - it's not about money or how organised you are. I buy random presents for friend's children throughout the year, but good luck expecting me to remember their actual birthdays (or anyone else's).

You might be someone who does birthdays and cards, your friend may not. Only you can decide if your friendship overall is worth the effort, but I wouldn't base it on this. So YABU.

Yes I agree she should have bought a card. I've got a friend who I've been friends with for 20 years, she has never acknowledged my kids' birthdays or ever had a card from get when she has visited them as newborns. If she had children I would never go empty handed to visit her in hospital after having a baby. And it really is the thought that counts, it's not about the money/ presents.

Thanks for all your responses!
I know she is MY friend but I am a sahm at the moment so dd is my life.
I love kids and being around my friends kids even before I had my own so maybe I just think differently.
I do think it's deeper issues, and last time we met up she didn't even ask about my pregnancy which seeing as I'm fit to burst was a little unusual.

Hmmm...I think yabu but this is obviously symptomatic of how you’re feeling about the relationship overall.

I don’t buy for my friend’s kids unless mine are going to their party. Otherwise I’d just be shelling out constantly. Before I had children I had little interest in other peoples’ and wouldn’t have thought to mark their kids’ birthday...not because I’m horrible but because it simply didn’t make my radar. I didn’t have children myself therefore kiddy issues didn’t scratch my surface. I think that’s pretty usual to be honest.

If the relationship is all you giving and her taking then that’s a problem. If it’s all about her being the star while you are the audience then obviously you will start to feel resentful about small things that show her lack of mutual regard. That’s understandable.

Not sure that focusing on this particular issue is the best gauge of her friendship though. Most of us don’t give much thought to other people’s children’s birthdays. Like life isn’t busy enough. X

I don't buy for friends children. I have lots of friends. No one buys for mine. It's all good. She's my friend, not the child.

DD is your life - not your friend's. YABU, I've never bought for my friend's children (aside from when DC attend parties of course) because we'd all be broke!

People who started buying for friends kids seemed to regret it later. When you all have three and four kids, it's a lot of presents to buy and receive. You won't want people bringing more and more stuff into your house believe me!

My best friend never buys for or asks after my children, she wasnt a slightest bit interested in my pregnancy either. She bought me some lovely booze once the pregnancies were over tho. She's just not at all bothered about children, which is fine. She's very polite to them when she meets them but wouldn't really know what to buy or why she was buying it.
She's my friend and i love her, she's just not a child-person. Which is fine.

Do you think there might be a reason why she's reluctant to talk about children/pregnancy? What's her own situation?

Also, from this: ' know she is MY friend but I am a sahm at the moment so dd is my life.' I do wonder whether you're one of those people who if asked about your children never stops talking? I've noticed that friends who really, really want to talk about their pregnancy/children get asked the least, somewhat ironically, because people are reluctant to 'set them off', whereas people who are happy to chat about it for a few minutes and then let the conversation move on get asked a lot more.

As I said, I'm pregnant, but after a difficult time trying (multiple miscarriages) - I do get the urge to talk endlessly about pregnancy since it's so much of what I think about, but I also remember how initially tedious and then later upsetting I found hearing the full rundown of other people's pregnancies so try very hard not to do this. I hope I'll manage to be the same with my baby if they make it here safely, though I do appreciate that that's much harder because a baby is a lot more all consuming than a pregnancy.

YABU.

I don't buy birthday presents for my friends' kids, unless there's a party DS is going to.

Honestly, children are so deluged with toys these days your DC will not notice or care that one adult friend of her mums doesn't buy her anything.

I think YABU to be upset about the birthday present thing. My friends don’t buy for my DS generally and I wouldn’t expect them to. (Unless they bring their own child to his party in which case they do buy). I’m afraid your child’s birthday just isn’t as significant to other people as it is to you! Also some people (me included) just don’t buy for many people’s birthdays anyway! I’m not one for giving presents and cards to people other than family really. I don’t think it means anything negative about your friendship.

She is not obliged to buy your child a present especially given that she’s got no dc of own. My best friends doesn’t get my dc gifts and my other close friend has when she’s been up in the area and it was sons birthday birthday but she certainly didn’t have to.

I also would never bother to ask about someone's pregnancy I couldn't think of anything worse to talk about. I'll quite happily spoil my neices and nephews rotten. But wouldn't think to buy for my friends kids birthday unless I was invited to their birthday parties.

I don’t personally think friends need to be interested in your children or buy them presents, especially childless ones. It wouldn’t have occurred to me pre-children to buy a friends children gifts and honestly I probably wouldn’t have been overly interested in them either. My best friend has never bought my DC anything and I can’t say I’ve ever given a shit...

I don't have children and can only remember how old my nephew is because he was born the same year as my cat. I would never ever tell my DB and SIL this, obviously, but the reality is that my cat is part of my daily life (and I have to supply his DOB for insurance/vet trips), whereas my nephew I see every two or three months, and I don't have a mental checklist of developmental stages to hazard a guess.

I'd bring a little present if I was visiting around the time of the birthday (if I'd been forcibly reminded when it was - other people's childrens' birthdays don't appear magically in my diary) but not if the child was under... three? I'd be more likely to bring a bottle of wine for the mum, at that stage! I agree with other posters that this is really about how much your friend is a friend to you, not your DD.

YABU. Unless there's a party involved, I don't buy friend's kids presents.

I also have one friend where we buy each other’s dc birthdays but we both have dc. We used to do the same for Christmas but it was too much. Another friend we would only buy gifts for each other kids if we were attending there birthday parties now they are a lot older and have their own friends.

She doesn't have any kids and no nieces or nephews. I buy presents for my friends kids in our close circle.

So she does loads of present giving and no receiving.

Perhaps she is now saying enough is enough.