Husband's mistress being in our house

[HerveLeger]

My husband has been having an affair and is now divorcing me. He told me about the affair on the telephone whilst I was in hospital for two weeks over Christmas and new year. When I got home, it turns out she had stayed with him all that time - he had announced to everyone in the village that he was seeing someone else, took her to the local pub and even asked friends of ours round to dinner. I was only told this (by other people) when I got back home in January. He has told me he wants me out of the house by Easter, so she can move in. I've refused and told him I'm going nowhere until he buys me out and I get the cash. I've also said I don't want her in our house whilst I'm still living here. He gets very intimidating towards me and quite frankly, I'm scared of him. But he thinks I am being utterly unreasonable as 'it is his house too'. I've only known about the affair and that he wants a divorce since the end of December. I'm scared of the future financially - I only work part time, he is a high earner - and my world has been turned upside down. My home (for now) is my safe space and I don't want her in it. AIBU?

They're a pair of cunts. As are the so called friends who condoned their shitty behaviour.

I wonder if he told the OW and his friends that you had actually split up and moved out of the house rather than you were in the hospital over Christmas. But yes, he can piss off regarding the house. You will be entitled to half the value on divorce, I presume if you bought it when married. Your solicitor will advise.

I'd get in touch with all the 'friends' and set the record straight.
What kind of 'Unreasonable behaviour' did he cite on the divorce petition?

like I said before, I'd be getting in touch with OW and let her know what she's dealing with. I bet he's lied to her. I just can't see how any other woman could be in someone else's home and not smell a rat.

Do you own the house in joint names-paying equally?

They are married. It's a joint asset.

Just when you think people can't sink any lower, along comes one that lowers the bar even further.

What a twat. He's doing you a favour, OP, getting out of your life.

In his defence... No I am kidding. He's a cunt.

As everyone else has said - lawyer up and go for everything. The bastard deserves nothing (if this was possible).

He may become physically abusive to try and make you feel you have to leave, so be prepared for this.

Take the fucker to the cleaners. I hope your solicitor is a real bastard who goes for the jugular.

Before you try to "take him to the cleaners" you need to be aware that his behaviour will have no bearing on the financial settlement and you risk wasting £££££ on legal fees, which then reduce the amount you'll be left with (you can't make him pay your legal fees). So, even though he's a complete and utter arse you are likely to end up with more by being reasonable. Remember that every letter your solicitor sends costs you money and if you go to court it will cost thousands.

Don’t tell him your plans because knowledge is power. Be discreet and take him to the cleaners. While you still have to live with him try not to engage with him much . Try the “ grey rock “ technique ( you can google it) If you do feel threatened though, whether verbal or physical call the police and get him removed. If it can be shown you are in an abusive relationship you may be entitled to a bigger slice of the assets too.Womens Aid will also be able to help and you may qualify for legal aid because he is abusive.
Check the finances and make sure he doesn’t run up a huge joint overdraft.

Fucking hell. I thought Dr Foster was fiction?!

This guy is a bawbag of the highest order. Yes get a lawyer but please SHOP AROUND .

Most will offer a free half hour consultation. Take a few appointments. See who you "click" with.

Finding a lawyer you feel understands you means you maximise your chances of good representation and hopefully a favourable outcome for you.

START NOW.

And good luck X

does anyone ever bother to read an OPs comments on a thread. The OPs second comment made it very clear she was lawyered up and very aware of the facts and her rights, just wavering. It is no use 50% of the thread telling her that what she needs is a lawyer!
Good luck OP, you sound like you finally have the measure of him.

Don’t leave the house! Have a drink

Oh god, and iM normally good at RTFT.

Sorry OP

I don't think OP needs advice on what to do (especially from people who haven't read the thread and wouldn't have the foggiest idea even if they had). She just wants to know that she isn't unreasonable in telling her stbxh where to go. The decision is unanimous that she is being completely reasonable. I'm not sure that you can stop the OW being in the house though, OP. She will (hopefully) not want to come around if you are there though.

You sound like you are lining things up well. I would suggest that if you have anything of sentimental importance for you you find a place to stash it otherwise it might get damaged or go missing.

Make sure you separate your finances ASAP. You do not want to be liable for anything he does.

Im stunned at the OP.. and also strangely comforted as I too am in the same situation.. with a vile cruel bullying narcissist... who wont engage in sensible communication, but instead is desperate to throw some shit at me in the hope it sticks (apparently Ive laundered £100k of our joint money and he has forensic accountants involved... Im hoping they might be able to locate it and remind me where I hid it as I could do with some cash right now as he isnt paying the mortgage, has moved his mistress in, and has changed the locks so I cannot get the rest of my stuff. Then sends me vile abusive messages and when he calls me at work.. Im not allowed to even speak and instead have to listen to him rant.. and when I actually yawned on yesterdays call he shouted that I had interrupted him and so he was hanging up!
Im married to a mad man. He needs to be sectioned!!!

So sorry you are going through that nosha123 but this is a zombie thread

the police are coming round tonight to take a written statement from me for his malicious communications from a week ago, and I have to try to apply to the courts for contempt of court as he has breached an undertaking we both signed and has harassed and intimidated me.. as has the mistress.. sending me vile cruel emails pretending to be him "my god you are so ugly I don't know what I ever saw in you". (in my defence.. Im actually not bad looking and have always been complimented as looking. much younger than my 45 years! And my recent date has certainly not made any complaints!)
warning: these people walk amongst us purporting to be normal!!!!!!!

Wonder if maybe his steroid and new cocaine habit could have anything to do with his impulsive aggressive behaviour.. he says not of course!!!!

@nosha123 maybe start a new thread instead of reviving one from 2018

Yeah sorry.. got that!!!

aww I thought there was an update, hope the OP is getting on well now and the house etc is all sorted

@MyBrilliantDisguise it doesn't work like that, each party in the divorce is responsible for their own costs up front in most cases. There can be arrangement made like you suggest but he would have to agree too which sounds doubtful.

You'll find a lot of friends stay in contact with where the money is. Drop them. Others will do anything they can to support you. They are your REAL friends

so true what wysteriafloribunba says regarding people sticking with where the money is in marriage breakdown (sadly). However I think the real friends will also be apparent and I hope you have spotted them OP and have RL support. I’m also sure that some of the people in your wider circle don’t think much of him or her and are at the very least conflicted about how to respond to the situation. Did the people asked to dinner actually accept the invitation?

Anyway, please log anything remotely intimidating with the police so there is a paper trail if he escalates his bullying. And no YANBU to want YOUR home as a safe place. It sounds like that piece of shit and his OW deserve one another. I hope you go on to really enjoy life free of him.