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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can I convince DH that his DDs are now young adults and he needs to treat them as such?

95 replies

BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/03/2018 13:14

DDs, 17. One of them put her head round the lounge door last night to say she was off sledging with a friend on the nearby hill.

It was 9.15pm.

DH reacted as though she'd announced she was off to smoke crack in a mate's bedsit.

It's driving me mad.

OP posts:
DullAndOld · 01/03/2018 13:16

well what did he say?
Did she still go?

Maybe point out to him that she could easily have already left home at this age, and if he keeps on at her like she is 'smoking crack' when she is off to do a pleasantly child-like pursuit, he will just push her away.

Theworldisfullofidiots · 01/03/2018 13:18

At least she's telling you. The consequence of my dmum being overstrict was I told her nothing. Or was economical with the truth

Original poster
BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/03/2018 13:19

His reaction was "9.15!!!! on a school night!!!! I don't think so!!! It's late/dark/cold ......".

Exactly she could have left home and next year she could be living away at uni and out all night with us none the wiser.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/03/2018 13:21

She did still go. I helped her get the sledge out the back of the garage, and suggested she wore a few extra layers rather than a crop top under a thin jacket Hmm. DH had the hump with me.

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 01/03/2018 13:27

Oh I have some splinters in my arse here but I can see both your points.

Ultimately it's her cold wet arse though.

RoryAndLogan · 01/03/2018 13:33

My parents treated me like this. Even when I was 18, they often wouldn't let me go out in the evenings as if I was a 13 year old. Always demanding to know where I was going, who with and when I would be back.

I resent them enormously and am now so conscious of never treating my children like that.

He will push your daughter away if he continues.

RoryAndLogan · 01/03/2018 13:34

Also like a PP, I ended up not telling my parents anything. Even tiny details about my life I never shared. I never felt trusted even though I was easily one of the best behaved teenagers going, and as a result we aren't close now.

Original poster
BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/03/2018 13:34

I did remind him that at her age he spent most evenings down the pub in a 'lock in' so sledging is rather mild!!

OP posts:
Bluelady · 01/03/2018 13:35

Does he actually know how old she is? Maybe the last ten years have passed him by.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 01/03/2018 13:42

Always demanding to know where I was going, who with and when I would be back

why is that unreasonable? surely it is reasonable to know roughly where the people who live with you are and what time you can expect them back? What happens if you don't come back - at what point is the alarm raised? at 12pm because you were expected back at 10 or 3 days later when you're dead in someone's back garden?

There is a fine line, I realise, but if my children continue to live under my roof post 16, there will be a basic expectation of consideration for the rest of us.

DullAndOld · 01/03/2018 13:45

^^ this.
I didn't live at home when I was 18, but in later years when I stayed with my mother, I would give her this information willingly. Why would I want to go somewhere with nobody knowing where I was or who I was with?
Likewise if mother went out, she would also tell me this info.

Viviennemary · 01/03/2018 13:46

Well I think it was too late to go sledging at 9 pm and quite dangerous. I'd have said the same.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 01/03/2018 13:48

Agree that it's not unreasonable for any member of a household to be asked to let the others know where they are going, who with/what to do, and when they will be back - and for young members I think this is particularly important, as they are more likely to have to contend with something unforeseen (at least to them).

And in this instance I would prob have rolled my eyes and asked whether they couldn't have gone in daylight, and asked her to be back by our bedtime (obv that means somewhere between 10 and 11).

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 01/03/2018 13:53

surely it is reasonable to know roughly where the people who live with you are and what time you can expect them back?

Yes. However, as facts, not the starting point of an argument.

So I say to my 20-ish children, when they are staying in my house, "what sort of time will you be back? where are you going? who are you going with?" and they tell me, just as we would tell each other if we were going out other than as a couple. That tells me not to be surprised if there's a taxi pulling up at 2am, or who to phone if it's noon the following day and they're not back.

What I don't do is then embark on a "whatever do you want to do that for, he's a wrong 'un, I wouldn't go there if I were you, haven't you got an essay to complete?" because, you know, they're an adult.

And because I'm never done that shit, the "what time will you be back, where are you going?" never results in an argument, because it's not meant to be an argument.

pinkbraces · 01/03/2018 13:53

OP I am with you on this , it took my DH some adjusting when our DC became more independent.

ohreally you seriously need to know when someone is coming back because they live in your house? Why? What happens if they change their plans, want to come back earlier or just because they feel like staying out later.

In our house the house rule is if you decide to not come home and stay at a mates house then text to let us know. This has always worked well for us - there has only been one time my DD didnt text and I did panic until I got hold of her. She apologised and it has never happened again.

I think if you automatically think dead in a ditch you may have some issues you want to deal with.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 01/03/2018 13:54

Well I think it was too late to go sledging at 9 pm and quite dangerous.

Quite dangerous? A group of 17 year olds? How so?

StaplesCorner · 01/03/2018 13:56

I wouldn't let my 17 year old out to go to a park at 9.15pm in any weather because that's just a bit of an odd thing to do, let alone sledging, and clearly if she was planning to set off with just a thin jacket she's daft enough to get herself into trouble when she gets there - people this age have no radar for risk. Even if she was 18 I'd be unhappy - it must have been pitch black, accident waiting to happen. Maybe you don't have that much snow in your area?

I can't see what your DH did wrong. MN always seems very keen to make young people adults before their time. You can't put an old head on young shoulders so in the meantime its up to the grown ups to stop young people doing silly things.

5plusMeAndHim · 01/03/2018 13:59

I wouldn't be overjoyed at my 16 yo DD setting off to go out snowing in the dark and temperatures well below zero.Sledging reults in lots of A&E admissions for serious fractures and head injuries because of the speed and the cold (fractures), and the lack of precise steering
I think it would be very dangerous in the dark unless the hill is well-lit

operaha · 01/03/2018 14:01

Had to check I hadn't written this.... at work at the moment but will be back with interest!!

StaplesCorner · 01/03/2018 14:01

Yes it is dangerous how on earth can you not know that?! Our park is not lit at night, we live in a semi-rural area. There'd be no way of seeing where you were going, if you come down and hit a person, a park bench, a wall, the consequences are going to be very painful at least - can you not judge the likely force?

I went out with the dog about 6pm took my glove off to use my phone and I was in pain with the cold after a minute. My DD is nearly 17 she's just gone out with the dog to walk round the block and I am a bit concerned in case he pulls her over or she slips.

I'm just confused why people think its not risky to go out and do a physical activity involving ice snow and low temperatures in the dark?!

Loonoon · 01/03/2018 14:02

I was a fairly relaxed parent but I would have said no to that. Too late, too dangerous and on a school night. Also I would have been concerned about noise/screams of glee disturbing people living near the sledging site, but if you are more rural that might be an issue.

RabbityMcRabbit · 01/03/2018 14:03

Rory me too! My mum still insists I tell her everything (I don't though!)

hotcrossbunsandtea · 01/03/2018 14:03

Well, I agree with your husband on this.

Sledging in the pitch black at 9pm at night is not the smartest idea in the world. It's bloody cold out there! I was out yesterday and all the kids were back home by 2 because of the temperatures and the wind chill.

Sledging in the dark is a recipe for disaster - you could so easily hit something or end up in the wrong place.

TidyDancer · 01/03/2018 14:04

At 17, your DH might not like everything your DCs do but he has very little say in it, providing they are not doing anything illegal or massively disrespectful.

I had a friend at school whose ridiculously overprotective father wouldn't let her take certain things like a tv or music to university with her and used to make her phone him when she got to work every morning (this was in her first job post uni so she would've been 21-22 at the time).

She has a very warped idea of relationships and boundaries as a result of her parents treatment of her.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/03/2018 14:13

I'm a very relaxed parent (18yo and 15yo) but I would have been a bit WTAF at sledging in the dark which does sound dangerous (and it was -20 with wind chill overnight). If my 18yo had said she was going to the pub at that time I would have had no problem with it.

But in general I agree with the principle that it's best to treat them as adults or you'll end up pushing them away.

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