Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

How can I convince DH that his DDs are now young adults and he needs to treat them as such?

95 replies

BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/03/2018 13:14

DDs, 17. One of them put her head round the lounge door last night to say she was off sledging with a friend on the nearby hill.

It was 9.15pm.

DH reacted as though she'd announced she was off to smoke crack in a mate's bedsit.

It's driving me mad.

OP posts:

Thunderwing · 01/03/2018 17:48

Cuboidal I really don't think being grounded at 17 can be classed as abuse... You could argue that it's unfair and misguided parenting, but it's hardly abuse.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 01/03/2018 17:56

I really don't think being grounded at 17 can be classed as abuse

You know the bit where you said your father didn't know any better because of how he was raised?

Thedogsmells · 01/03/2018 17:59

We have always headed up at 10 on a 'school night'.

MrsKoala · 01/03/2018 18:04

Is there an age cut off for punishments?

I would say when you are old enough to leave home, have babies, die for your country, possibly vote soon/in Scotland...I don't think there should be a day it cuts off but there should be a gradual reduction in rules and restrictions so that you can find your feet without it being a sudden release.

My Mums Dad backhanded her into the front garden when she was late home at 17. She had worked FT since she was 15, had missed the last bus after a dance and she was home 15 mins late at 10.15. She moved to Sicily to become an au pair after that and rarely ever went 'home' again. He was a military man and was unrepentant all his life. My Dad was similar so i just never told him where i was going and said i was staying at a friends but often sat on park benches all night after parties.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/03/2018 18:06

You undermined him, then helped her get the sledge out and your annoyed that he has the hump with you.

FFS

Bluelady · 01/03/2018 18:06

I find the school night bit amusing, aren't they all closed this week?

mustbemad17 · 01/03/2018 18:10

I find this hilarious tbh 🙈 I didn't live at home at 17, when me & my brother went home for holidays we had our own keys. If we went out of an evening nobody batted an eye lid what time we got in - we had phones if there was an issue. As long as we let the dogs out for a pee before we went to bed and avoided the creaky step that always woke dad up we were treated like adults.

I would find it really stifling if my dad had tried to stop me going out at that age. And night time sledging is bloody awesome (i'm 29 & altho i hate the snow, i'd do night time sledging if i had the company!). He's going to push her away if he doesn't give her some breathing space to make her own decisions

MrsKoala · 01/03/2018 18:12

DS1 school still open all this week and we've had masses of snow in Kent. The head has been texting every morning to ensure we know ALL pupils are expected in.

Eddie1940 · 01/03/2018 18:16

But you re the one going to help her get a sledge out at 9.15 and she s the one in a crop top . He does nt seem that unreasonable to me

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 01/03/2018 18:17

www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/7kbcqw/my_20f_helicopter_parents_53f_55m_refuse_to_let/

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 01/03/2018 18:18

More generally, look at almost anything in this search.

Thunderwing · 01/03/2018 18:20

You know the bit where you said your father didn't know any better because of how he was raised?

I don't intend on following his example with my children, his methods were old fashioned and frankly ridiculous at times. I'm acutely aware of how my upbringing has affected me, I'm aware that other people are truly shocked by what I considered 'normal' at the time. I know it was not normal and not always healthy. Believe me, my older siblings did not get off as lightly as me, he mellowed considerably with age.

But... I maintain that being grounded can't be classed as abuse surely?! That's seems ridiculous to me. Perhaps I have indeed been too indoctrinated to realise....

MrsKoala · 01/03/2018 18:25

I would say it was emotionally abusive to deprive a young adult of their freedoms using threats/fear of homelessness and cutting off support if they don't comply. But it was pretty standard when i was growing up and my parents made it very clear their house was theirs and not mine and i was lucky they let me live there. So i left as soon as i could. At 14i had a calendar on my wall counting down the days till i was 16 so i could leave. Altho i wasn't 'home' much after 14 anyway.

stevie69 · 01/03/2018 18:27

So I say to my 20-ish children

Wow. So many. Do you not know the exact number

Sorry, couldn't resist.

stevie69 · 01/03/2018 18:31

And I missed a question mark. Pffft!

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 01/03/2018 18:32

I maintain that being grounded can't be classed as abuse surely?

So, let's consider what would today be - absolutely rightly - be regarded as abusive behaviour by a spouse. Isolation from friends? Yep. Restriction of movement? Yep. Denial of access to otherwise standard resources? Yes.

As a general rule, if you're doing something to your child that you would regard as abusive if it was happening to your friend at the hands of her husband, you should have a bloody long look in the mirror to make sure you're behaving reasonably. Grounding, for some definition of "grounding" for a month? Probably abusive. Grounding for a month for being late in? Clearly abusive and controlling.

Abusive American parents, and it seems occasionally to stage a showing here, think denying their children privacy by removing bedroom doors isn't abusive. It's abusive. Surely to God we're past the point where it's only abusive if it leaves bruises?

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 01/03/2018 18:34

I would say it was emotionally abusive to deprive a young adult of their freedoms using threats/fear of homelessness

Precisely.

The more I read from people who think otherwise, the more I realise that the question isn't why so many people go no-contact with their parents, but rather why so few do.

Thunderwing · 01/03/2018 18:51

I can't argue with your points, so I won't. I obviously have some thinking to do...

thehairyhog · 01/03/2018 19:39

Hmm. I’m not sure there’s any point in him getting all cross about it, but that said, I think it depends on the 17yo, where they’re going, and who with, and the slope itself. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to at least question sledging in the dark. Is it quite a safe slope, or treacherous? Are there any lights? Will there likely be drinking? Etc.

Absolutely, forbidding her from going is unlikely to help, but I think it warrants a chat at the very least! I don’t think he’s being massively unreasonable, but he should tread carefully too.

StaplesCorner · 01/03/2018 21:37

Right. As its much much better than doing drugs, and as I don't want to be a controlling abuser, I've insisted my DD goes to the park now, on a horse in the dark with no coat otherwise she'll be emotionally damaged and want to leave home. She doesn't like it but I've said look you are a grown woman, I'm a trendy mum and want to be seen as the cool parent, plus if you stay indoors you might fall down the stairs in your slippers. Plus you haven't had any vodka, you are perfectly healthy, and as you are (nearly) 17 you can see in the dark and tolerate low temperatures.

No brainer really eh?

Flip

1 2 3 4