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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can I convince DH that his DDs are now young adults and he needs to treat them as such?

95 replies

BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/03/2018 13:14

DDs, 17. One of them put her head round the lounge door last night to say she was off sledging with a friend on the nearby hill.

It was 9.15pm.

DH reacted as though she'd announced she was off to smoke crack in a mate's bedsit.

It's driving me mad.

OP posts:
LittleCandle · 01/03/2018 15:15

Its never as dark when there is snow on the ground. It was really quite light here even in the middle of the night yesterday because of the ambient light reflecting off the snow. While I agree with knowing where they are going and with whom, and when they will be back, I wouldn't be worried that they were heading out to go sledging!

Zaphodsotherhead · 01/03/2018 15:16

We are very rural, no streetlights. But it was a full moon, and with the snow I would think they can all see quite well. You don't need artificial lighting to be able to see at night, you know.

MrsKoala · 01/03/2018 15:18

I'd be a monumental hypocrite if i reacted like that to my dc when they are that age considering the dangerous shit i was doing at younger than that. I might raise an eyebrow and mention not getting too cold etc. I am surprised at people saying they wouldn't 'let' them. How would you be able to stop them? Do you still punish 17 year olds?

Oh and DH and I go to bed about 9 most nights Blush so our kids will just be able to let themselves out without us knowing where they are off to.

Cath2907 · 01/03/2018 15:20

I was down the pub, drinking too much and giving blow backs to cows at 17. Sledging sounds very tame!

KAT1350 · 01/03/2018 15:21

The thing with kids though is they want to do what they want but then be treated like kids when it suits. “Dad can you pick me up” “can you lend me some money”

I don’t just mean 17 year olds either!

KAT1350 · 01/03/2018 15:22

What’s a cow blow back?

crunchymint · 01/03/2018 15:22

Then don't let them treat you as if they were young kids.

StaplesCorner · 01/03/2018 15:30

And people break their necks riding horses. - but not usually at 9pm in the snow because those who do horse riding as usually either supervised or they don't take stupid risks Hmm

crunchymint · 01/03/2018 15:31

Actually horse riding is a pretty dangerous leisure activity. There are lots of broken bones and serious accidents from it.

Thunderwing · 01/03/2018 15:35

Do you still punish 17 year olds?

Is there an age cut off for punishments? Does it not depend on the 17 year old/what they've done?

I feel I must state that I was grounded for a month when I was 17 for being home late Confused but my DF was a military man control freak

Original poster
BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/03/2018 15:42

Interesting mixture of responses on here!

I know he's only got their welfare at heart but I seriously feel he needs to unclench a bit and trust them. I suppose that's the bottom line, trust that they'd be careful - they need to take risks but measured risks. It seems as though everything they do, then DH's initial reaction is a negative one, instead of talking to them properly and discussing things.

I don't consider sledging in the dark to be very risky to be honest - like others have said, it was a full moon, wasn't pitch black, we're not rural - south London/surrey borders. Yes it was cold, but she eventually wrapped up in a few layers and you soon get warm dragging a sledge up a hill a few times!

One minute DH is moaning that DD is never off her phone or laptop ...... the next she's announcing she's off out sledging and that's wrong too!!

Love that Steve Martin clip Grin.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/03/2018 15:43

Grounded for a month at 17!! What would your dad have done if you'd just walked out!!

OP posts:
Thunderwing · 01/03/2018 15:52

What would your dad have done if you'd just walked out!!

It would never have even occurred to me to have attempted that kind of disobedience! Not that I didn't think about it but I would have had nowhere to go so it wouldn't have solved anything.

I know what he would've said though "If you don't like my rules, then don't even think about coming back - you think you can look after yourself then be my bloody guest!"

And he would have meant it too.

PNGirl · 01/03/2018 15:55

It's not really about the sledging though, is it? It's that incredulous "You are an idiot, WTAF are you doing with your life" tone that parents sometimes adopt. I remember it well!

It does end up with young adults telling their parents the absolute bare minimum of what they are up to. They work out what is and isn't likely to get that reaction and then trot the safe thing out every time they leave the house. My friend would tell her mum she was at mine (this is at 17/18) instead of her perfectly nice boyfriend's house to avoid a lecture on getting pregnant.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 01/03/2018 15:57

"If you don't like my rules, then don't even think about coming back - you think you can look after yourself then be my bloody guest

Ah yes. The old "I'm so protective because I care so much, that's why impose all these rules, but the second you disagree with me about the slightest thing you can just fuck off and sleep under bridges, I don't care". It's not caring, and it's not protection: it's control masquerading as concern.

If someone says "you must follow all these rules, otherwise you are dead to me" it's because they're a controlling abuser.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 01/03/2018 15:57

I wouldn’t have liked it either. A girl of 16 was killed near me sledging a few years ago and it was a horrific and upsetting accident. Late at night, high spirits, possibly alcohol fuelled in a badly lit area and there is the potential for injuries. I wouldn’t like it.

Thunderwing · 01/03/2018 16:05

He was a man of his time Cuboidal, he was definitely by no means perfect, but he had a hideous upbringing himself and I genuinely believe he didn't know any different at the time.

My DM was a calming influence on him though and would very often do things like the OP Smile - you just learned which battles to fight and when to just shut up and accept your punishments.

Thankfully he and I developed a fantastic relationship despite all the weird rules he had, and as a young adult there was genuine mutual respect and deep love between us. I would tell him that he behaved like a complete arse sometimes and he'd just say "Did you no harm did it?!" with a cheeky grin - at which point I'd twitch a bit and say "No, of course not!"

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 01/03/2018 16:15

I feel I must state that I was grounded for a month when I was 17 for being home late

In a sane world, that's called "abuse".

I'm an occasional connoisseur of the idiotic "cut out of their lives" threads on Gransnet, and it's pretty clear that the "mistakes" they occasionally admit "everyone makes, and we are no different" were this sort of crap. It's isSendai's missing missing reasons. Parents who were controlling and obnoxious to their adult offspring, and treated them like this, then act surprised that they aren't accorded the "respect" (they mean "obedience") they expect later.

crunchymint · 01/03/2018 16:36

There is always someone who has died from something somewhere. If you are DC are sensible. sledging is low risk. If your DC think it is fun to down a bottle of vodka and then go sledging, then yes they make come to serious harm.

Chouetted · 01/03/2018 16:41

Night vision deteriorates with age. A 17 year old may well be able to see well enough to sledge safely, even if her parents can't. At her age I was regularly having arguments with my parents over the fact that they thought it was too dark in my bedroom without a light on, when I was quite happily reading away in what to me was perfectly reasonable light. Usually in the middle of a slightly dingy Sunday afternoon.

AngelsSins · 01/03/2018 16:45

My mum was stupidly strict when I was 16, so I moved out and far away. I managed to survive without a 9pm curfew.

Martha75 · 01/03/2018 16:49

Quite dangerous? A group of 17 year olds? How so?

It's dark at 9.15 pm and hitting a tree, a rock at speed could be quite dangerous.

Possibly.

What was wrong with going at 4 pm?

Queenofthestress · 01/03/2018 16:52

Jesus Christ, at 17 I was able to go and come as I pleased, as long as I gave a whereabouts and time expected back unless it was staying out all night, and that was only 6 years ago..

GeorgeTheHippo · 01/03/2018 16:58

I'm pretty sure the trees and rocks are exactly where they were at 4pm.

I would let her go. I would ask her what time she would be back and remind her that the hospitals are probably busy so she should make sure no one hurts themselves. And make her out a hat on.

My kids are this age. One of them insists on going for a run at this time of the evening.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 01/03/2018 17:46

It's dark at 9.15 pm and hitting a tree, a rock at speed could be quite dangerous. Possibly.

Yes. And they could fall downstairs in their slippers.

Threads like this are like a ten-year presaging of "AIBU to cut off my controlling mother who insists I phone every time I leave my house".