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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think 29 is too old to be in a band...

116 replies

Pecanpickles · 28/02/2018 23:39

... for a living?

My brother’s friend’s job is to be in a local band. They’re quite good, but not hugely successful either, they’re still waiting for their ‘big break’. He does some minimum wage supermarket shifts to supplement his income.

This man has a wife and two small children under 5. He also has a degree. AIBU to think he should grow up and get a proper job, or am I a stuffy killjoy?

OP posts:
x2boys · 01/03/2018 09:18

My sister follows a band they are on their fifties most people wouldn't have heard of them (although they did support a very famous rock band back in the day) they make plenty doing private Gigs .

Camomila · 01/03/2018 09:24

Sounds ok to me...makes a bit of money doing what he loves and sensible suppliments it with the supermarket job.

I know quite a few well adjusted even older (40s and 50s) people that do this...session musician or writing jingles p/t and then basic call centre/office jobs to top it up. They even have degrees! If you can get a bit of money doing a thing you love, why not?

KidLorneRoll · 01/03/2018 09:33

"am I a stuffy killjoy"

Yes.

Emboo19 · 01/03/2018 09:50

Ha! My dads in his 40’s and still going. Its not a mainstream style so he’s never thought or wanted to be massive or anything. He’s not materialistic at all though so he’s never really been bothered so long as he’s earning what he needs he’s ok. He does now combine it with another job that’s related and he’s actually doing really well.

I get what you’re saying, although it’s not really your business. I struggled when I was younger with thinking he should do more to provide and it shouldn’t all be about him. He does admit he’s pretty selfish in that sense, but my mums always been ok with it and she tended to earn the money (although not loads). She loves who he is and his music is a big part of that.

It’s meant I’m pretty set on getting a stable job though and although I have a natural attraction to musical/arty types (I guess I’m my mother’s daughter or it’s that too weird to think about, liking people like your dad thing). I’d only date someone who also had a job/career or the back up of one.

Perendinate · 01/03/2018 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theduchessstill · 01/03/2018 09:57

My ex was like that, well, he refused to do minimum wage jobs but in fairness did do a reasonably good job of being a sahp while the dc were small.

We can't really know whether YABU or not without knowing how the wife really feels, but potentially YANBU. Lots of people are giving very simplistic responses about him following his dreams (bollocks) and saying that he's bringing money in - well, yes, but obviously not a lot as he's having to supplement it with min wage jobs, which won't be secure, won't have promotion prospects (probably) and, put together mean he's probably out of the house for a long time and at different types of hours.

I wonder what pension arrangements he has in place, and what would happen if he got ill and couldn't work - would he be reliant on ssp (and his dw's income as well of course)?

It's not only tiring working f/t with young dc, but also very stressful and tiring being the one who is always the responsible one who has to think about what is best for the long-term and the wider family, while the other adult follows their dreams.

If any of the above is true for this family YANBU, if not YABU and nosey to boot Grin.

iLoveABiccy · 01/03/2018 10:03

YABU in the nicest way possible, because 29 is young & if he's doing what he loves and his DP doesn't mind then it's up to them really

Aridane · 01/03/2018 10:32

I think if they're still waiting for their 'big break', at 29 it's not going to happen. However, if it's something he enjoys and is otherwise making money, I don't see the problem

Birdsgottafly · 01/03/2018 10:50

"I just see his wife newly returned from maternity, working full time and always looking tired, and feel for her a bit. "

I think that completely depends on the baby, tbh, sometimes its inevitable that you're tired, regardless of your DH's situation.

Not everyone is about chasing money, some people strive for a good work/life balance and he's really lucky to get paid to do something he enjoys.

gillybeanz · 01/03/2018 11:07

Emboo.
I too am married to a musician and your mum sounds similar to me.
I knew what dh did when I met him, I fell in love with him and the music was a big part.
Finding a job was never a consideration and I respect the person he was and the person he has become.
We aren't materialistic either and earn what we need with a little tc top up.
If it came to the stage where we can't make ends meet, it was hard when dc were little then we'd take temp pt work to tide us over.
Dh teaches the odd student, I work in a call centre.
When we have enough I leave the job and dh cuts the teaching/educating.

acquiesce · 01/03/2018 11:16

OP, unpopular opinion but I actually agree with you to an extent. If he’s in a band for a hobby, fine, not too old, but although not everything is about money, I would expect priorities to shift when a couple has a child.
‘A few shifts in a supermarket’ is not enough to support a family IMO.
I just get the image from your post of the poor wife working full time and raising a baby while the husband gets to pursue his dream.
I don’t know many women IRL who would put up with that!

acquiesce · 01/03/2018 11:17

And there’s another’s post today slating the OP cause her husband only earns 17k a year but I doubt a few supermarket shifts here and there would even bring in 7!

munqch · 01/03/2018 11:20

Yes, you're a stuffy killjoy. 29 is not too old for someone to pursue doing something they're passionate about.

thecatsthecats · 01/03/2018 11:36

Yes, of course it's none of your business.

But no, I wouldn't think much of someone who 'got by' off the proceeds of their band whilst their spouse worked full time, and presumably they don't have pension plans etc - I mean, how does this work as a long term plan exactly? Paying the bills is a fairly minimal financial plan, tbh.

I know a few minorly successful bands - popular amongst their fans but not household names by any stretch. All of the members hold down more or less full time jobs as well as being in the band.

I write, and would love to be a writer. I think I'd have more of a shot if I only worked a few hours a week in some low-stress job. I do it in my spare time though. I manage.

Camomila · 01/03/2018 11:37

I think some of the responses are a little sexist tbh...
If it was the DH working fulltime and looking tired (don't most parents of young DC look tired?)
And the DW making a bit of money doing something hobbylike (music/crafts/baking) plus doing a few supermarket shifts...a lot of people would say how good she was 'helping out' while the DC were young.

Why does it have to be the husband supporting the family/being the breadwinner? (I'm a SAHM)

acquiesce · 01/03/2018 11:42

If he does the lions share of the childcare that’s different.
One parent - hobby, few supermarket shifts, stay at home parent
Other parent - full time career

That’s fine, regardless of sexes.

What I do have a problem with is
One parent - full time career, majority of the childcare
Other parent - hobby, few part time shifts.

The OP wasn’t clear whether it’s the former or the the latter - if it’s the former then she is BU. If it’s the latter then he needs to pull his weight more.

alfagirl73 · 01/03/2018 11:51

Brian Johnson was invited to audition for ACDC when he was in his 30's. He could barely cover the fare to London... I think it worked out for him though! ;-)

I hate seeing people being pushed into giving up their passions. If this guy and his wife are happy with the arrangement then it's not for anyone else to criticise.

llangennith · 01/03/2018 11:58

Never too old to be in a band but it’s a hobby which earns a bit of extra money and not a job unless you’re extremely successful and well paid.
Obviously none of my business but I think he should scale down on his hobby and step up on his paid work.

WhateverHappenedToMe · 01/03/2018 12:33

Why should he be the one to grow up an get a proper job? In this day, couldn't his wife get a job and he could be a SAHF?

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 01/03/2018 12:38

Brian Johnson was invited to audition for ACDC when he was in his 30's. He could barely cover the fare to London

He had also had several Top 40 hits with Geordie, with a dozen or more appearances on Top of the Pops. Not a major success, but not a local band for local people either.

mollied · 01/03/2018 12:41

If the family are doing ok and he is happy leave him to it. However if it was my boyfriend who was doing this I would tell him to get a proper job and be in a band as a part time thing not his main income.

MorganKitten · 01/03/2018 12:42

Does he pay his bills? Does is have an impact on your life?

We all need an outlet, his family seem provided for so whats wrong with him having fun in a band?

Original poster
Pecanpickles · 01/03/2018 13:21

To answer those who are interested in the childcare, the eldest is at nursery during the day and both sets of grandparents share care for the baby.
His wife mostly does the evening routine with the children, because he is usually practicing/performing in the evenings. He’s also regularly away from home over weekends, as they play in different cities.

He does his supermarket work during the daytime three days a week I think. The band write their own material.

Not sure what his wife thinks because I don’t know her well enough to ask, but from what I can see she works incredibly hard and has her hands full with two tiny tots.

OP posts:
stevie69 · 01/03/2018 13:27

29?

FFS, I may as well just give up on life now then Grin

Baubletrouble43 · 01/03/2018 13:32

I think you abu. I know I would rather my partner earnt less but felt he was following his dreams than was a wage slave who hated his working life. As long as his family are happy I think it sounds great.