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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think 29 is too old to be in a band...

116 replies

Pecanpickles · 28/02/2018 23:39

... for a living?

My brother’s friend’s job is to be in a local band. They’re quite good, but not hugely successful either, they’re still waiting for their ‘big break’. He does some minimum wage supermarket shifts to supplement his income.

This man has a wife and two small children under 5. He also has a degree. AIBU to think he should grow up and get a proper job, or am I a stuffy killjoy?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pecanpickles · 01/03/2018 01:39

Okay, well seems iabu! Will try and work on being less judgy Wink cheers folks

OP posts:
Chrys2017 · 01/03/2018 02:37

There's really no use comparing this band to the music 'stars' of yesteryear—it's a whole different industry these days.

Having said that, presumably the wife knew and accepted that he was marrying a musician so why should he give up his job?

KC225 · 01/03/2018 07:10

I get where you are coming from OP. Of course 29 is not old and that is not what you are saying but 29 still hoping to make the big time after 10 years of gigging..... I do feel sorry for his wife. If you are doing it as a hobby no problem but if your life is still on hold be cause of the big break

If you substitute member of a band for actor then that is someone I know. He has had a couple of walk on parts in Casualty and non speaking bits when The Bill was on token payment theatre work - tryubf to write scripts, plays for himself. He is now in his 40s - wife and teenage daughter yet he refuses to give up on his dream. His wife works full time in a job she hates. She got drunk at a party last year and told me she spends more time embarassed him than loving him and she wanted to leave.

Rachie1973 · 01/03/2018 07:14

Pecanpickles
Will try and work on being less judgy

Yeah. I'd try worrying about that rather than other peoples lives.

Vitalogy · 01/03/2018 07:21

If you can turn your hobby into a job that pays then you're lucky. Never too old.

ForalltheSaints · 01/03/2018 07:26

How old is Charlie Watts? How old was Seasick Steve when he turned professional?

Mind you, all of the four professional musicians in my family had regular musical gigs (bands, orchestras etc) long before they were 29.

Northernparent68 · 01/03/2018 07:29

Actually you are saying women can’t be breadwinners

Sirzy · 01/03/2018 07:33

So he is working in a supermarket and making more money doing what he enjoys? Even if it’s only a Saturday night in a pub they will be bringing in a few hundred pound between them each time.

MadMaryBoddington · 01/03/2018 07:54

TBH I agree with you op.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 01/03/2018 08:06

I know loads of lads in bands much older and they are minted! Not looking to make it big time but they are good so booked out every weekend for weddings/pub gigs, successful enough they are happy to turn away gigs if they want to, huge houses, nice lives, there is excellent money to be made in it. One lad I know is a teacher, lives off that wage and is set to be mortgage free on his huge house by 37 ish as all his gig money goes into that, it's not all about the big time

stegosauruslady · 01/03/2018 08:09

My SIL was the partner of someone like this for a very long time. He did a bit of extra work, but was 37 and still working on his music career, which amounted to the occasional pub gig.

It just depends on what their partner wants out of life. SIL split with him as she wanted more than permanent renting, not enough money to have DC, no money for holidays and she is in a better financial position on her own.

I do also know a couple where he does odd gigs and doesn't work, but is a SAHD while she works full time in a job she loves and it seems to be perfect for them!

AlecTrevelyan006 · 01/03/2018 08:12

I’m 52 and play in a band - I’m also a reasonably well-paid manager in the civil service. It’s many years since I gave up on my ‘dream’ but nowadays I still enjoy playing music.

I have some sympathy with the OP. If this guys band is playing originals then 29 is definitely at the upper end of the age scale. If it’s a cover band - and if you’re better than average and very determined - then it’s possible to make an ok living or earn a pretty decent supplementary wage.

If you have kids and bills to pay you really need to get your priorities sorted. There will come a day when the minimum wage jobs and the occasional pub gig isn’t enough.

PoofShazam · 01/03/2018 08:13

He's earning enough of a living to pay the bills/feed his family along with his wife so why does he have to be "going anywhere"?

God forbid people earn a living doing something they actually enjoy though right? We should all just join the rat race and be miserable......

YABVU

whoareyoukidding · 01/03/2018 08:15

YANBU OP

EenaMinaMoe · 01/03/2018 08:17

You have no idea what his wife thinks. I know at least one couple where the husband does a creative (barely minimum wage) job and the wife works full time and she really likes the work he does, loves being involved with that world, and appreciates him taking on a lot of house husband stuff with house and kids. Maybe his wife is happy and just tired because she's got small kids and who isn't?

You don't know and it's not your business to judge.

kirinm · 01/03/2018 08:17

I was married to a 40 year old who had been quite successful but not successful enough to not have a proper job. But his life revolved around the band and it was fucking tedious. We are now divorced. 😀

Idontdowindows · 01/03/2018 08:18

I'll tell my 60-year old other half to stop bringing home money from gigs then...

ClaryFray · 01/03/2018 08:22

If he's following his passion in kid then great not enough people have the confidence for drive. Not your issue.

Sparklesocks · 01/03/2018 08:24

I don’t tend to think that hard about how other people make or want to make their money

Herbalteahippie · 01/03/2018 08:25

Yes YABU. if he’s happy, and employed, what’s the problem? And a band doesn’t have to ‘go anywhere’ to be successful’. It’s better surely to have a creative outlet away from the family. Also how is working in a supermarket not a job? Not everyone wants to drive a desk and fanny about at meetings.
The former mentioned wife can address this herself if it’s a problem, she can find someone.
Finally, everyone ‘looks tired’. It’s because we look at screens too much.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 01/03/2018 08:30

Brian May says no

Brian May's dad complained that he'd not finished his PhD because he was messing around in bands.

May flew him out to Madison Square Gardens on Concorde to see what he was up to. Later, it turned out he had been maintaining meticulous logs and maps of all Queen's touring.

LakieLady · 01/03/2018 08:37

YA not only BU, but judgey and ageist!

AbsolutelyCorking · 01/03/2018 08:45

I don’t think YABU as being in a band is more of a hobby thing, aged 29 and plugging away for 10 years IS too old to “make it” when everyone else starting out is 14-16. He sounds selfish and immature, especially with a wife. He has a silly fantasy of being famous which will just never happen.

ChaosNeverRains · 01/03/2018 08:49

There’s nothing wrong with following your passion if that makes you happy. However, if that is to the detriment of your family then it’s something that people do need to think about.

People who are musicians do make some money at it, but the reality is that it’s often sporadic and unreliable,and the absolute truth is that this isn’t about who made it at what age and so on. Given the numbers of musicians out there very, very few make it into the big time so it’s unlikely to happen for him that way, and if they’re aspiring to the big time there does need to come a point that one accepts they’re never going to be famous but that doesn’t stop them from doing what they’re doing.

I do absolutely think that musicians who are good enough at what they do should be out there gigging where possible if that’s what they want to do. But I also think that being a musician isn’t an excuse for not having an actual job which pays a monthly wage if you have a family at home.

I used to know someone who claimed to not have a job because he was a musician and that took up all of his time. Truth is he wanted to be a musician, made a bit of cash playing gigs some Saturday nights but was never going to make it into the big time or earn enough to make a career of it. But because he thought he was a musician that was all he did, while living on benefits.

If you’ve ever been to borough market you will discover that it’s full of out of work actors who are working on the stalls there while waiting for their next big break.... which rarely comes.....

Be an actor, artist, musician, whatever by all means, but as a supplemental not a mainstay because if you have a family your commitment should be to them first and foremost.

PinkyBlunder · 01/03/2018 08:51

Of course YABU. ‘Musician’ is actually an occupation you know Hmm would you be saying the same if he was a classical pianist?