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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To remind people that some of their comments can be hurtful

84 replies

Birdscape · 28/02/2018 19:52

I have named changed for this. Basically because I was flamed the other day by a few people for no real valid reason. A few years ago I might have been really bothered by this but now it is water off a duck's back. Can I just remind people giving advice (or criticising the OP) that you don't know their mental state and whether they will take things to heart? Some of the comments on here a completely uncalled for and are in fact cruel

OP posts:

Blackteadrinker77 · 28/02/2018 19:55

How would you suggest we avoid that?

Quite often people are upset because people don't tell them what they wish to hear.

Anymajordude · 28/02/2018 19:57

I agree. While it's fair enough to give honest replies to threads I think you should remain polite and considerate. We're all guilty of forgetting that sometimes. We'd probably give our kids and teens a talking to about bullying if we saw them behaving online like people do when it kicks off on here.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/02/2018 19:58

Fully agree. Yes you can give criticism. However there are ways and means to do it without upsetting someone.

Sorry you were upset.

TheCatsMother44 · 28/02/2018 20:00

I agree with blacktea , how are people meant to avoid that unless we just don't give opinions if we believe it goes against what the OP wants to hear? AIBU would be poineas as we aren't then meant to tell people when they are being unreasonable in case the OP takes it to heart.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/02/2018 20:00

Maybe the posters who upset you were commenting honestly on what you were saying.

We’re hopefully all adults. Posting on an open forum is risking people telling you things you don’t want to hear.

candyloves · 28/02/2018 20:02

i agree with you OP
There's some vile people on here.

frankchickens · 28/02/2018 20:03

This really isn't the place to post and not accept the potential of a robust response.

I don't think you can expect people to be mindreaders about a poster's mental state.

Original poster

Birdscape · 28/02/2018 20:05

I fully expected honest answers and don't mind people giving their opinions. However, some people can be downright nasty - I just don''t get it. I don't think many of them would be like that in real life, however, behind a keyboard they think they can say what they like. Some of the threads on here just become a slag fest and I don't think that helps anyone. To be honest I had mulled it over for about a week before posting my question - I had discussed it with people in real life but most people agreed with my point of view. I was looking for an independent perspective - well I certainly got it but just in a particularly nice way from some people.

OP posts:

Enuffsenuffsenuff · 28/02/2018 20:06

Totally agree OP. It's perfectly possible to give advice - even advice which isn't what a person wants to hear - in a way which isn't unkind but lots of people on MN seem to have no clue how. Time and time again the advice comes with hints or outright accusations that the OP is stupid, entitled, ignorant, naive etc. It's totally uncalled for.

DoraMilaje · 28/02/2018 20:07

I agree that posting on an open forum means hearing things you don't want to hear sometimes but I think OP is right. I am amazed at some of the threads on here that spiral out of control because some posted can't seem to contain themselves and keep their vitriol in check. It's been a problem for a while, threads like this one pop up periodically but nothing ever seems to change. Some people just like being dicks to other people it seems.

glenthebattleostrich · 28/02/2018 20:07

There is giving (sometimes harsh) criticism and then there is being a complete arsehole. More and more these days arseholes are taking over threads. It started by turning AIBU into pretty much 'come be a twat to me' and is spreading into chat and relationships.

I know we aren't supposed to hark back to the time twas all fields around here and there were 4 posters but as the site gets bigger it has become more anonymous and some posters are using this as an excuse to pile in.

More and more threads are moving away from smart, funny people posting to a competition to see who can be the biggest cunt. In some cases it's not just words on a screen, it's the last kick to a person who is already down.

numbereightyone · 28/02/2018 20:08

Good point. As for not second guessing people's mental state, why not try being kind, just to be on the safe side?

Blackteadrinker77 · 28/02/2018 20:08

There's some vile people on here

As there are everywhere.

That is what the report button is for though.

chipsandgin · 28/02/2018 20:11

I agree with frankchickens. If you don't want opinions then don't post. Have you considered that perhaps people were just telling you things you didn't want to hear. I see a lot of people go through the whole:

OP: AIBU?
MN: Yes, totally.
OP: You are all mean and horrible and wrong..

All the time. Same for other topics too. Without context it is hard to tell but it might be worth considering if the people who posted had a point?

HateIsNotGood · 28/02/2018 20:11

I agree - but I usually check AIBU for posts that I'd really like to be rude to because I just want to paste some fucku wanker stuff to the Internet Wall, but mostly I hold back because I stop and think that a real person might be feeling so bad they're posting it here.

But then I haven't always been that thoughtful in all my actions throughout the years, just now tintynet is here it's a good job I'm an ancient crone, otherwise I probably would have been that thoughtless as the many younger ancient crones to be that might not realize yet the effects of their posts.

Of course there is always a contingent of young, old heartless crones throughout time and anyplace that are just mean and like to kick at something that's down.

Original poster

Birdscape · 28/02/2018 20:13

As I mentioned before, I don't really care what is said to me - these people don't know me in real life. However, say I didn't have a family or close friends and was agonising over something and I was flamed on here within an inch of my life -could I be objective? I don't know, but it just worries me a bit that some people are so ready to hurt others. In my previous post several of the people who responded to me very kindly had reported other posters for the way they were treating me, which was very kind. In fact one lovely lady sent me a person message.

OP posts:

Original poster

Birdscape · 28/02/2018 20:17

chipsandgin most of the people giving me negative comments had obviously not read the whole thread and my previous posts. I had explained myself quite fully but some people still took the opportunity to insult me. I wasn't bothered by the comments but someone else might have been really hurt.

OP posts:

JaneEyre70 · 28/02/2018 20:17

I find that in real life, people are too polite to tell you what they really think about things. On here, it's different and people are able to be truthful - and sometimes the truth does hurt. I've seen some amazing posts on here of support and wisdom, and some equally horrific posts when you want to say what a fucking idiot the OP is and to pull their head out of their arse. I try and be as diplomatic as I can, but it's not always easy. I'd rather the truth anyday than being placated.

Leilaniiii · 28/02/2018 20:19

It's the name calling that I can't stand. Or someone calling you mentally ill, not in a caring way, but because they don't agree with your opinion.

chipsandgin · 28/02/2018 20:20

As an aside I often report inappropriate, rude or personal attack posts - obviously this is never OK.

Clearly being mean to people isn't on - but there are and always have been posters who seem to post purely for validation not opinion and they are exhausting. Without knowing what you were flamed for it is hard to say, but I do think MNHQ are responsive and monitor the boards well - so it would lead me to my previous conclusion that it is often not people being mean but OP's not hearing what they want to hear which makes them feel victimised.

beluga425 · 28/02/2018 20:20

you smell

Leilaniiii · 28/02/2018 20:22

A long time ago (11 years) I was bullied on an internet forum and for a fleeting few seconds, I considered taking my own life. And I am usually someone who doesn't give a flying sheep's dick what people think about me.

Comments can be extremely hurtful. We do need to remember that. Good thread, OP.

frankchickens · 28/02/2018 20:22

chipsandgin most of the people giving me negative comments had obviously not read the whole thread and my previous posts.

This happens a lot on here (and on almost all other forums I have every used). It's ignorant, true, but seems normal.

chipsandgin · 28/02/2018 20:23

Ah, sorry X-post. Yes the haven't RTFT'ers - that is another whole issue, I see what you are saying. I left MN for a couple of years after getting so frustrated with seeing some numpty give us their nugget of wisdom (like 100 people before them wouldn't have said the same thing) when in fact the thread has moved on and evolved and the OP has explained themselves or the situation further or revealed it was a reverse 6 pages ago. Totally with you on that!

beluga425 · 28/02/2018 20:24

My last post was a joke OP. You are right. Too many people here are really angry and can be very hurtful.
I can only hope that frequenting here is helping us all toughen up in RL.

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