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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To shop my friend into the council?

161 replies

Nesssie · 27/02/2018 16:45

First time poster...
Not sure whether I would be doing it out of spite or not.

A 'friend' has bought a field, built a huge barn and hidden a mobile home inside it. She lives there with her partner, occasionally his child, and 5 dogs, 3 cats.

They think that if they live there for a certain period of time (10years I think) then the council have to let them build and live there. Its illegal and they don't pay council tax etc.

She has quit her job, sold her house and moved into the middle of nowhere. I think she is depressed and isolated and her only way of getting attention is to buy more and more puppies.

Despite having all the land, the dogs are kept in a tiny room and I feel really bad for them. I have tried talking to her about it but it has just led to arguments and I have chosen to end the friendship.

I also worry what would happen if they have an emergency, the mobile home is completely hidden so no one would know if there was a fire etc.

AIBU to tell the council they are living there illegally? They will eventually be found out anyway so I think is it better it happens now, rather than a couple of years down the line when they have used all their money and have no options? I really don't know how else to help her.

I know that she will assume it was me that told, but the friendship is over anyway.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 27/02/2018 18:18

Of course it's spite. But why are you second guessing yourself? Just tell if you want to. I wouldn't personally as it wouldn't affect me what they're doing. But each to their own. Be sure you're right about their circumstances and the laws surrounding that tho - you seem to know a lot about their life and finances (MN has further reiterated for me that at times women talk their personal and financial business far too much, to people who will use that against them when in envious hidden under righteous indignation mode) but you may not know as much as you think. It will gall you if you tell, and the consequences for her family aren't what you want or expect them to be.

You've said you're no longer friends so you don't need a bunch of strangers to decide
for you. Unless you get off on the idea of a load of people dissing her. Then I suppose thread has some use for you.

malificent7 · 27/02/2018 18:25

I just dont get people who want to dob people in it for anything like bebefits, tax, housing unless it encroaches on your land. It reeks of spite.

Original poster
Nesssie · 27/02/2018 18:26

This thread has been useful as it’s confirmed there is no obvious answer. If everyone had said don’t do it, MYOB then I would have accepted it, if everyone had said report then I probably would have.

As it is, it’s been 50/50 so I’ve still got some thinking to do.
I’m inclined to just leave it, but the fact that she is getting another puppy just makes me so upset.

OP posts:
Thecrabbypatty · 27/02/2018 18:27

Mind your own business and let her mind hers, karma has a funny way of arse biting when it comes to this sort of thing. She knows the risks in regards to legality and safety. Leave her to it, you think you will feel better for grassing her up but you won't so just let things take their course.

Branleuse · 27/02/2018 18:28

I think that would be a really shitty thing to do. With friends like you, who needs enemies

Thecrabbypatty · 27/02/2018 18:29

The dog thing sadly is neither here nor there, I know plenty of hideously neglectful owners living lavish lifestyles and the RSPCA rarely act if it's not absolutely diabolical sadly.

Thequeenisdeadboys · 27/02/2018 18:30

When we went out for lunch together a couple of months ago she left candles burning in the caravan with all her dogs etc. Shitting Hell ! Why leave candles on in a concealed caravan full of dogs in the daytime ?? I am wondering if this is for real ! [sceptical]

Thequeenisdeadboys · 27/02/2018 18:31

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HonkyWonkWoman · 27/02/2018 18:33

I would just leave them to it really.

Original poster
Nesssie · 27/02/2018 18:35

@TheQueen- definitely real! This is my first post as usually I just make a decision but this one is really stressing me out and I couldn’t see an obvious answer (and still can’t!)

In regards to the candles, she rang me in a panic once she got home to tell me and I was speechless. She was really upset about it and I don’t think she would do it again, but that’s what got me thinking ‘what if..’

OP posts:
Original poster
Nesssie · 27/02/2018 18:38

@Thequeen- should have made it clear, she didn’t leave them lit on purpose. Just forgot about them. Which I guess would be just as dangerous whether they were in a barn or a house, but at least with a house neighbors could see a fire and call 999. The mobile home is competent concealed so you wouldn’t notice a fire at all.

OP posts:
SlothSlothSloth · 27/02/2018 18:41

I can't believe you're pretending it's about the fire risk! You sound pathetic and spiteful and I'm glad I don't have a "friend" like you. The people advising you to report her to the council must be bitter individuals too.

Having said that, the welfare of the dogs does need to be addressed. If it really is as bad as you say, you should certainly report it to the RSPCA. Whether the RSPCA pass her living situation onto the council or not is up to them. But to do it yourself would be mind-bogglingly mean.

I also kind of have my doubts about how bad the dogs' conditions really are, given you've made a mountain out of a molehill about the "fire risk" and admitted you're possibly partially motivated by spite.

Personwithhorse · 27/02/2018 18:41

Report to RSPCA

jalpie · 27/02/2018 18:42

You sound like a petty little busy-body ... I am all for dobbing people in for serious stuff but in this case, I think you are hanging your hat on some pretty self-righteous little hooks - on the one hand, you say you think she is depressed and isolated but then profess to being worried of her safety 'in case of a fire' .. you do realise that her mental health issues pose far more of a threat than some hypothetical fire !! So if you really really care about her, stop being so nasty and actually be a mate!

silkpyjamasallday · 27/02/2018 18:47

@SlothSlothSloth is talking sense, you are spiteful and for some reason want to cause someone you called a friend a great deal of misery. You cannot possibly know what happens with the animals when you are not there, you are speculating and clouded by your own negative judgements of this friend. I think you should get on with your own life and stop meddling for no good reason.

OliviaBenson · 27/02/2018 18:50

It's not spiteful, op has clearly just reached the end of her tether with her friend after trying to reason with her.

Report her to the Council- they will be very interested in this and the RSPCA. I'd also worry about the welfare of any DC too. She doesn't sound in a good place.

Original poster
Nesssie · 27/02/2018 18:53

I think I’ve tried being a friend and she knows how I feel regarding the dogs but just laughs it off and says it’s not a problem, they are her babies, dogs are pack animals so aslong as they have each other they will be fine. Her latest puppy has turned semi feral as it doesn’t know human interaction and has never been off the land.

I did consider RSPCA but then she would almost certainly know it was me as I’m the one that is always going on about the dogs. In my mind, Council was better than RSPCA but many people have said the other way round so maybe that’s the route to go.

The fact is I just can’t help her as I can’t stand being there hearing the dogs whining and fighting and her ignoring it. And I think it would be two faced to meet up and pretend I’m ok with everything.
So either way our friendship is over, the question is can live with myself reporting her or can I live with myself knowing about the dogs and not doing anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nesssie · 27/02/2018 18:55

And you can tell the dogs are not allowed in any other room by the state of the home, and that I have asked to let them out and she says they aren’t allowed in the rooms.

OP posts:
Bellamuerte · 27/02/2018 19:09

I'd report to the council. Why should she not comply with planning laws and pay council tax like everyone else does? Drives me crazy when people think they can just do whatever they like and not live by the same rules as the rest of us! Our society has put those planning laws in place for a reason - if we all went around ignoring laws and doing as we please then society would collapse! And as others have said, concealing the dwelling for a number of years would not result in planning permission being granted.

Branleuse · 27/02/2018 19:20

I never understand why people that dislike their friends lifestyles so much, dont just avoid them and distance themselves, instead of actively thinking of ways to fuck them over

Littlecaf · 27/02/2018 19:22

‘If they remain there peacefully without controversy for 10 years, they are entitled to build a dwelling on their land.“

Not true. You don’t just get to build a house, the use of the land might have changed from agricultural to residential but you still need permission to erect a dwelling house.

Littlecaf · 27/02/2018 19:23

Also if they were genuine travellers or gypsies, they still need permission to change the use of the land and they have to pay council tax.

DoJo · 27/02/2018 20:46

To those who are saying that the OP would be reporting out of spite - what reasons would you accept for reporting this kind of thing and exactly how does her motivation affect the outcome?

OP - I don't think it matters what your reasons are for reporting as there seem to be several sources of concern: the child who is staying there, the dogs and the mental health of your friend which seems to have declined. The systems in place to investigate this kind of thing are the same no matter why the report is made and if there are no concerns about the safety of the people involved then there will likely be no immediate or irreversible repercussions.

AlpacaLypse · 27/02/2018 22:41

A few updates from OP since my last contribution.

Your ex friend sounds like she's joining in with some sort of utopian fairy tale dream land. Reading too many happy ever after novels? Who knows.

Report the hidden caravan to planning, if it's kosher they'll be left alone, if it isn't they'll have to find a new place.

And poor poor dogs. Although it does sound like they're scraping past the RSPCA's rather pathetic bar of neglect.

Justanotherzombie · 28/02/2018 06:40

Dojo if it was OPs land I'd be fine with her reporting it.