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Original poster

Treating children equally: good or bad?

85 replies

BeatyBeast · 27/02/2018 11:33

My husband and I have two children. A girl of 14 and a boy of 8. Recently it was my son's birthday and dh gave him £50 saying his granny (who died just over a year ago) would have wanted him to have it. I was a bit Shock as it's a lot of money for an 8 year old and we had already given him presents. Anyway I said but you didn't do this for dd (whose birthday was two months ago) he said No, but I wanted to do this so it's none of her (or my) business.

I think this is wrong. I have two children, if I buy a treat for one I get one for the other. For background he is besotted with ds and does not get along with dd. I don't know why this is. It has been a problem for years. She speaks to him with disgust at times but I know she is hurt by his treatment of her. She accepts that he is not that fond of her and tries to get on but here we are. I work from home and do everything for the kids, which leads them to being maybe a bit closer to me because I know their friends, school subjects and schedules and so on. He doesn't.but he does play with ds, he doesn't, and never really has, spent any time with dd.

I don't know what to do about their relationship but I can hold my ground on encouraging him to treat them the same, can't I? Or is that ridiculous, as he thinks?

OP posts:
HollyBayTree · 27/02/2018 11:35

Is he the father of both children, or just the younger one?

AuntLydia · 27/02/2018 11:35

God, I'd want to kick him out. Yes of course you treat them the same in these circumstances. Your poor daughter. Of course there will be times when one gets something the other doesn't - some things will be appropriate for a 14 year old but not an 8 year old. One might need new shoes before the other. But to give one £50 and not the other? He's a nasty piece of work. I dread to think what this will do your poor daughter's mental health.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 27/02/2018 11:37

Give your dd £50 and show him the door.

Yellowshadeofgreen · 27/02/2018 11:38

He is day by day destroying his relationship with his DD and at the same time giving her the message that she is not worthy of his attention. He needs some serious therapy he is a shockingly shit parent.

LagunaBubbles · 27/02/2018 11:39

Your poor DD. A Dad who treats her like this and a Mum who is enabling it.

Rosielily · 27/02/2018 11:40

Bit it IS your business - you cannot stand back and let your daughter be treated with such inequality. It's almost contemptuous isn't it? As a previous poster said give your daughter £50 and try telling him that that's none of his business. What is he like in other aspects of your life, work, relationship etc?

DeathStare · 27/02/2018 11:41

I don't think treating DC equally necessarily means giving them the same. However it doesn't sound as if your DH treats them equally in any way at all - or even wants to. As PPs have said I'd be showing him the door.

TeenTimesTwo · 27/02/2018 11:41

I was going to say you need to treat children fairly which doesn't always mean equally.

But this is neither fair nor equal, and I'm really shocked by it.

I have no idea what you should do though.

Justmuddlingalong · 27/02/2018 11:41

Why have you let your DD put up with this for years? Jeez.

DeathStare · 27/02/2018 11:43

I'd also ask him - seeing as he told your DS that the money was from granny - whether his DM would have treated your DS more favourably than your DD.

RaspberryRuffless · 27/02/2018 11:44

Why do you let this happen? Not just the £50, but you admit she's hurt by the way he treats her. Your're just as bad to her by allowing it to happen.

Rosielily · 27/02/2018 11:45

Treating them equally won't always mean treating them the same. Both children will always need school shoes for example and these will probably be priced differently. That doesn't mean you're treating the one who gets the cheaper pair any less favourably than the other. BUT for random gifts of money such as we have here surely each child should be treated the same?

Stompythedinosaur · 27/02/2018 11:45

That's really unfair and damaging for your dd.

Your dp needs to do something about the relationship or leave.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 27/02/2018 11:48

😵😵
Today I am going to get ds2 a couple of pairs of jeans because he needs them. I won't be buying for dd and ds1 because they don't need them. I thought that this post was going to be like my situation but it's not.

Your h is being abusive towards both kids. His actions are/will affect the sibling relationship negatively forever. I'd be giving dd £50 and insisting that any more of this shit and he'll have to go for the sake of both kids. There's lots of posts on here about the Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic. Both children end up damaged and you risk your children turning on you later for not protecting them.

selftitledalbum · 27/02/2018 11:49

Shock why have you allowed this?

steppemum · 27/02/2018 11:53

wow.
He is dds dad, doesn't liek her and is mean to her?

He needs to leave.
You need to give her, over and over again, the message that she is loved, special and important.

In the situation you describe, giving one child money from Granny, it is mean, cold hearted and the behaviour of an emotionally abuive person.

You don't have to do the same for kids for it to be fair/equal, the example above of jeans is a good one. But the balance to that is that when theother child needs something, they will get it. You dh is not meeting your dds needs at all is he?

Please suppport your daughter.

happytobemrsg · 27/02/2018 11:54

This can seriously damage your DD. Please step in. Don't let it carry on

Idontdowindows · 27/02/2018 11:57

Your children's lives would be so much better without his toxic influence on them.

Clarabumps · 27/02/2018 11:59

My dad did this with me and it was really, really damaging. It affected my relationships later with men and I ended up always seeking approval from them. I've sorted it now but it took a long time. Please address it or leave. I always resented my mum for never dealing with it.

Knittedfairies · 27/02/2018 12:01

That is so unfair! Your poor daughter who 'accepts that he is not that fond of her'... Her own dad; sheesh.

Rosielily · 27/02/2018 12:10

Today I am going to get ds2 a couple of pairs of jeans because he needs them. I won't be buying for dd and ds1 because they don't need them. I thought that this post was going to be like my situation but it's not.*

Agree with this completely

WomanInTheMirrorStaresAtMe · 27/02/2018 12:12

This is really shocking and so sad. Your poor DD, she must feel so rejected. Why on earth are you allowing this? You are as bad as him if you do not stick up for your daughter. He sounds emotionally abusive and to treat a child like this he really must have a nasty streak. Absolutely give your daughter £50 and tell him it is none of his business either. Then tell him to either sort it out or leave. Your DD needs to see you stick up for her, what impression do you think she has of how a man should treat a woman? What do you think this has done or her self esteem? Jesus woman! Step up!

Rosielily · 27/02/2018 12:12

Messed up that quote above - sorry!!

Original poster
BeatyBeast · 27/02/2018 12:13

whether his DM would have treated your DS more favourably than your DD
Unfortunately she probably would have. She was not a good role model.

I tell her all the time how wonderful she is (as I do to my son). It's so easy to say ltb but in that case i would not be there to protect her when she is with him and above all else she wants "normality". I stand up for her all the time and make sure he does spend time with her. I mediate between them all the time. He had a difficult upbringing which the death of his mother brought up so i try to be mindful of that. At the same time i dont think his favouritism is acceptable but i think she will see him whether we are together or not but this way I am here to buffer him from her. And maybe to encourage him to see what he is doing. Though I am not sure it is working.

Any suggestions on how to wake him up to the fact that he is potentially damaging her (other than ltb which is not an option). He seems to find it hard to let go of being the child instead of the adult, so when we discuss this he says things like: well she said.... and she should....He does not seem to accept that he is the adult and should be the strong, certain, supportive one.

OP posts:
HairyToity · 27/02/2018 12:13

You need to try and nip this. What does he say when you discuss it? He should not give up on his dd.

My dad favours my brother. He's never said this. He's never treated me badly, or been open with this favouritism. It's never bothered me. DB and dad have similar hobbies (sport) and both work together in family building business. They are best mates. I love that they have such a strong relationship, and am close to both.