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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Treating children equally: good or bad?

85 replies

BeatyBeast · 27/02/2018 11:33

My husband and I have two children. A girl of 14 and a boy of 8. Recently it was my son's birthday and dh gave him £50 saying his granny (who died just over a year ago) would have wanted him to have it. I was a bit as it's a lot of money for an 8 year old and we had already given him presents. Anyway I said but you didn't do this for dd (whose birthday was two months ago) he said No, but I wanted to do this so it's none of her (or my) business.

I think this is wrong. I have two children, if I buy a treat for one I get one for the other. For background he is besotted with ds and does not get along with dd. I don't know why this is. It has been a problem for years. She speaks to him with disgust at times but I know she is hurt by his treatment of her. She accepts that he is not that fond of her and tries to get on but here we are. I work from home and do everything for the kids, which leads them to being maybe a bit closer to me because I know their friends, school subjects and schedules and so on. He doesn't.but he does play with ds, he doesn't, and never really has, spent any time with dd.

I don't know what to do about their relationship but I can hold my ground on encouraging him to treat them the same, can't I? Or is that ridiculous, as he thinks?

OP posts:

Oblomov18 · 27/02/2018 12:14

I totally disagree with giving each child a treat each time. I don't see why one time your DD cannot have a treat, and the next time your DS, and the other child go without.

I disagree with that sentiment entirely.

however on this occasion if your husband gave DS £50 he should've given DD £50.

quirkychick · 27/02/2018 12:16

Favouritism destroys families and damages people's relationships, sometimes for life. There was favouritism in my dad's family, and also in my dp's family, I've seen how damaging it can be, turning siblings against each other. Look at the many threads on here about dysfunctional and toxic families, there's often a favoured or golden child and a poorly treated child or scapegoat. Please treat your daughter fairly, of course it's your business that your son's been favoured.

Wineandrosesagain · 27/02/2018 12:17

Bloody hell Op, why the fuck is he still in your house????? You're enabling his abuse of your daughter. Why haven't you protected her (and your son, who will also be badly affected by this dynamic) against your abusive husband? I think your lack of action is as bad as his abuse - you are an enabler. Your poor children.

Justmuddlingalong · 27/02/2018 12:17

So, you're staying with him to protect her from having to spend time with him. Can you not see how skewed that is?

SweetMoon · 27/02/2018 12:19

It's not always possible to be equal in many examples given by other pps but in this situation it's pretty shocking.

Your dh is showing favouritism and he doesn't care. For starters who the fuck gives an 8 year old £50 in the first place and secondly this is a blatant slap in the face for your daughter.

I could not be with someone like this. He sounds like a total dick.

WomanInTheMirrorStaresAtMe · 27/02/2018 12:20

Why can't you ltb? If you split and he was horrible to her she is perfectly old enough to refuse contact.

Original poster

BeatyBeast · 27/02/2018 12:21

But he is still going to show favouritism regardless of where he lives. I can't stop him being their father or seeing them. I don't get how leaving him will sort this out. It will not.

OP posts:

doesthislookoddtoyou · 27/02/2018 12:23

I don't get how leaving him will sort this out. It will not

It would show your daughter that at least one of her parents loves and cares for her. Right now she has a father who shows obvious bias to her younger sibling and a mother who goes along with it.

Wineandrosesagain · 27/02/2018 12:23

It will distance him and his influence on your children. His daughter can refuse to see him if she wishes; she can't do that if she lives with him.

Justmuddlingalong · 27/02/2018 12:24

Your DD's view of relationships is being fucked up right in front of your eyes.

WomanInTheMirrorStaresAtMe · 27/02/2018 12:24

It shows your daughter the behaviour is unacceptable. It shows your daughter someone put her first for once. It shows your husband his behaviour is unacceptable. if your daughter doesn't want to see him, she doesn't have to.

SnibbleAgain · 27/02/2018 12:25

Agree with everyone else.

My parents are a bit shit TBH in all but money/gifts where they are almost obsessively fair. My brother still gets quite a lot of stuff like he still goes on holiday with them every year and they pay, they give me the money, to make sure it's "all fair" I mean we're in our 40s! This has been instilled in me so totally over the years that it must all be fair that I find myself doing things without noticing like the other day I shared a packet of wotsits between them with a sandwich and quickly totted them up to make sure it was even which may be going a bit far but OTOH parity of wotsits is a big deal when you're 8

DH family is different with massive obvious favouritism including quite large amounts of money towards one of his siblings. This makes me really angry even though it's not my business, I kind of literally can't understand it, it goes against massive values from my upbringing I guess, DH is casual about it

So I suppose what I'm saying is that we all have different ideas around this from our own backgrounds. However, fairness is the right way and so I would be having / would already have had conversations with DH about treating them evenly in terms of time, attention, treats etc. Anything else is just not OK. Even if you don't get on so well with one - they aren't your mates they're your kids and they must be treated fairly. If he persisted in favouritism then I'd be thinking what next.

He is teaching your DD that she is not worth much. That she's not good enough. That he doesn't love her. Her own father. That's not OK.

By the way I see this with two of my friends families, men favouring their sons, taking them on expensive football outings and so on, and more or less ignoring their daughters. This is seen as "natural". It's not natural and it's not OK.

SoonToBecomeAMrs · 27/02/2018 12:26

I don't get how leaving him will sort this out. It will not

You will be showing your DD that disgusting attitudes won't be tolerated and that she has a mother who is willing to do the right thing and stick up for her.

AuntLydia · 27/02/2018 12:26

You say she wants normality. So you are teaching her that this fucked up relationship with her dad is 'normality'. What a dangerous thing to do. If you kicked him out you'd stop being complicit in this awful favouritism. You'd send a clear message about what it is acceptable to put up with in a relationship. Your dd would have the option of not spending time with someone who is incapable of loving her and treating her well.

Thedogsmells · 27/02/2018 12:28

"not that fond of her"?? That speaks volumes about him, none good. Fuck that.

SnibbleAgain · 27/02/2018 12:29

Has he explained why he has been treating her this way and it sounds like over a long time, since she was little.

Did it start after your son came or did he not like her before that?

The damage will potentially be that she has low self esteem, seeks approval from men, and will be less able to stand up for herself if they treat her badly, she will be less able to say "no" when they want her to do stuff. He is setting her up for abusive relationships with men involving all that involves. If you tell him that will it make any difference? I mean it's not a given and I'm no psychologist but I think this is the way it works?

SnibbleAgain · 27/02/2018 12:30

If you split up, I don't imagine he'd want to see her would he? He'd only want to see the boy I imagine.

SoonToBecomeAMrs · 27/02/2018 12:32

You need to grow a spine and do what's right for your children. You're making shit excuses and enabling your DH's disgusting behaviour.

Original poster

BeatyBeast · 27/02/2018 12:34

Both I do call him out on it. Every single time. And then he will make an effort but he just isn't consistent about it. And then he will do something like this money thing which is glaringly obvious and i despair all over again that he will ever improve.dd and dh are very alike and i think he doesnt like to see himself reflected. But she is all the best parts of him and then a whole heap of brilliance that is all her very own.
I still don't think that walking away from him is the best solution.

OP posts:

SweetMoon · 27/02/2018 12:35

Is this some kind of cultural thing? Is he from some old fashioned upbringing that thinks girls aren't worth anything? I really can't get my head around this.

magoria · 27/02/2018 12:35

He is being abusive to your DD.

You may defend her but she knows it.

When she is older she will up and leave and unless you are very lucky she will never want anything to do with you either for allowing this to continue all these years.

Arapaima · 27/02/2018 12:36

OP, if you really can’t leave then you have to be far, far more assertive about putting your foot down. The wording of your title and post imply that you may not have been strong enough in the past. This situation with the £50 is a good opportunity to make it absolutely clear this can’t continue. You must insist that you will not allow your children to be treated like this and DD must be given £50 or you will take the £50 away from DS. Use any method you want - give him books to read about family dynamics, make him go on a parenting course, go to family therapy to address this together, just keep going on about it until he’s desperate for you to shut up - whatever it takes!

Arapaima · 27/02/2018 12:37

You say you call him out on it. But do you follow through and insist that the unfairness is rectified?

snewsname · 27/02/2018 12:39

Family counseling?

SnibbleAgain · 27/02/2018 12:43

If he won't discuss and work with you on this then I don't know what to suggest. He obviously just doesn't care. Have you asked him if he loves her? She will know that he doesn't love her. And of course he doesn't like her and she knows this too.

If I told DH he was playing favourites and the kids could tell he'd be mortified.

It's not about you having to be like his mum and control his behaviour. He needs to understand that this is wrong and that he must cover it up.

And yet when you ask him about the £50 he says it's "none of your business". This is bullshit. Utter crap. And if that's his attitude I dont' see what you can do to change it.

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