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Original poster

Treating children equally: good or bad?

85 replies

BeatyBeast · 27/02/2018 11:33

My husband and I have two children. A girl of 14 and a boy of 8. Recently it was my son's birthday and dh gave him £50 saying his granny (who died just over a year ago) would have wanted him to have it. I was a bit Shock as it's a lot of money for an 8 year old and we had already given him presents. Anyway I said but you didn't do this for dd (whose birthday was two months ago) he said No, but I wanted to do this so it's none of her (or my) business.

I think this is wrong. I have two children, if I buy a treat for one I get one for the other. For background he is besotted with ds and does not get along with dd. I don't know why this is. It has been a problem for years. She speaks to him with disgust at times but I know she is hurt by his treatment of her. She accepts that he is not that fond of her and tries to get on but here we are. I work from home and do everything for the kids, which leads them to being maybe a bit closer to me because I know their friends, school subjects and schedules and so on. He doesn't.but he does play with ds, he doesn't, and never really has, spent any time with dd.

I don't know what to do about their relationship but I can hold my ground on encouraging him to treat them the same, can't I? Or is that ridiculous, as he thinks?

OP posts:
Yellowshadeofgreen · 27/02/2018 12:43

But he is still going to show favouritism regardless of where he lives. I can't stop him being their father or seeing them. I don't get how leaving him will sort this out. It will not.

I think you should send him off to therapy on threat if he does not engage that you will leave him for the sake of your daughter (and son’s) long term mental health.

One of the 2 people she is supposed to be able to count on is letting her down time and again and the other one will be seen to have ‘stood by’ and tacitly endorsed his behaviour.

LagunaBubbles · 27/02/2018 12:44

Any suggestions on how to wake him up to the fact that he is potentially damaging her (other than ltb which is not an option)

He isnt potentially damaging her - he will have already and is continuing to do so. And you arent providing "normaility" for her at all, you're letting her grow up to be emotionally damaged by your DH.

athingthateveryoneneeds · 27/02/2018 12:44

My DH is harder on our DS (13) than the other DC. They've noticed it as well. It winds me up and I've had plenty of chats with him about it, getting sterner each time. DS can be a nuisance but so can everyone. I lose patience with him too, so I don't think I'm the "soft" one but it's easy for me to say that. He has been better lately.

SnibbleAgain · 27/02/2018 12:45

Family councelling might work my friends have done that and things are much better for them. The source of their family issues was not what they thought it was. Their issues did involve favouritism from both parents (subtle - not like this - but i noticed it - and for different children).

Would he be up for it though.

AuntLydia · 27/02/2018 12:45

It's not even about it being best for their relationship. It's also about how you can even look at him, let alone want to be married to him, when he is capable of treating one of your babies like that. It shows such an awful side to his character.

RedHelenB · 27/02/2018 12:46

What was he like with your dd in the six years before ds was born? Teenagers are different to parent than an 8 year old.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 27/02/2018 12:47

But he clearly doesn't make an effort every time you call him out on it; he said it's none of her business Hmm

Stompythedinosaur · 27/02/2018 12:47

Surely you can't rule out leaving? What he's doing is very wrong and will hurt both your children.

Family therapy might be an option, but if your dp doesn't want to change then surely you have to leave (and your dd can decline contact if she wishes).

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/02/2018 12:50

You know what? I’d be tempted to give your dd £100. £50 cash and £50 in a savings account if you can afford to do so. Just to make a point and get through to your dh about what an idiot he’s being. Then when he’s clicked, you can redress the balance with your ds and give him the same.

WomanInTheMirrorStaresAtMe · 27/02/2018 12:50

Why do you want to be married to a bully?

Wineandrosesagain · 27/02/2018 12:51

Op, clearly you are not going to leave your arse of a husband. If I were in your situation I would be unable to stand it. His treatment of her would make me sick to my stomach, knowing how it must eat at her self-confidence, believing herself not good enough for her father to love her, nor even to pretend to be fond of her. Sad How you can tolerate this and see no sense in leaving him is incomprehensible to me. He is abusive and she is being abused. And every conversation you have to make him see sense does not stop it. The only way to help her (and to help your son from losing a relationship with his only sibling) is to remove his malign influence. Surely you can see how this will pan out in the future? The lack of self-esteem that is being bred into her, her anger and resentment at you for not doing enough to stop it? Well, all I can say is as you sow, so shall you reap.

AngryPrincess · 27/02/2018 12:52

Is he a wee bit misogynist?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/02/2018 12:53

@BeatyBeast - I'd be tempted to say something very blunt to him:

"You are going the right way about destroying any relationship with your daughter. Do you want that? Do you want her to hate you or to believe that you hate her? Do you want her to end up dating abusive men, because you have shown her that is how men are supposed to behave towards women? No? Well shape up, then!!"

beanii · 27/02/2018 12:53

OP how does he treat when you're not around if he treats her like this whilst you are there?

I would not stay in a relationship like that.

Be strong and show your daughter that women shouldn't be treated like that.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/02/2018 12:56

Get this man out of your house and out of your DCs' lives as much as you possibly can. And undermine his parenting and his authority as much as possible, too. No united front. Be open about the fact that his attitude is wrong, and disgusting, and ridiculous.
Because the issue is that your H hates women. He probably treats you with contempt, as well, so the three of youo (you, DD and DS) need to band together against him.

You will need to take care with your DS, too - his father may well try to drive a wedge between DS and you and make your home a battle of the sexes. This is harming your DS as much as your DD.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 27/02/2018 12:58

You say that LTB isn't an option but hasn't this affected your love for him?

I understand how one child can be easier to get along with than another but that's a weakness of my behalf and I have to put more effort into the "harder" child as I'm the adult. I know from experience that some teens are harder than others but the adults still need to be adults and step up. Has he ever read a parenting book? Would be attend a parenting course? My local council do ones especially for parents of teens.

Soubriquet · 27/02/2018 12:58

Your poor daughter

Being let down by someone who is supposed to love her. By both parents really now

One who "isn't fond of her" and one who is staying with the man who is making her life unfair

gillybeanz · 27/02/2018 13:00

That is so wrong, no way should he do this.
I thought from the title you were suggesting that if one had something the other had to have equal at the same time, to which I was going to object.
But this is so wrong, you do for one as you do for the other.
I'd be giving the other dc the same, it's none of his business if he asks, because it's what you want to do. her granny would have wanted it.

TheSoapyFrog · 27/02/2018 13:00

His attitude is disgusting and yours isn't much better either. I suspect the damage has already been done to your daughter. You say you keep calling him out on it, but he continues to treat her so appallingly so that hasn't worked. His attitude is unlikely to change after all this time either.

You should ltb. What it shows to your daughter is that she is valued, people aren't allowed to treat her this way, there are consequences if they don't and that her mother is actually a person she can rely on to protect her best interests.
And what example is this setting for your son? Is your husband the sort of man you want your son to be?

Your husband is toxic. Step up and put your children first for once.

Original poster
BeatyBeast · 27/02/2018 13:00

What was he like with your dd in the six years before ds was born? Teenagers are different to parent than an 8 year old

It was never smooth. But whenever they spent more time together it would improve. I do see his relationship with DS getting stickier as he gets older and more opinionated too.

He has been in counselling for months re other issues and we have been to counselling together so he would be open to that.

I will try that STDG. I have tried versions of that before but he doesnt seem to hear. I think failing that i will get him to contact his counsellor. It is a big problem and of course I want more for my girl.

OP posts:
Thedogsmells · 27/02/2018 13:01

How can you like and respect him enough to stay with him when he "isn't that fond of" one of your children?

gillybeanz · 27/02/2018 13:04

You are as much of the problem as he is because you are encouraging him to do this by keeping your dd in the same house.
She should be more important than your feelings for staying with an abusive bully.
Your children deserve better parents.
Ltb is a complete option, but not one you will consider for your children Sad Poor kids.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/02/2018 13:05

Given that she can’t get him out of DS’s life even if he would be willing to drop out of DD’s

How exactly will that help with her believing she’s not worthy of her dads love?

gillybeanz · 27/02/2018 13:11

It won't but at least she'd be away from it and have the unconditional love of her mum.
Her son would probably be with his mum more who could raise him not to be such an arsehole as his Dad.

Rosielily · 27/02/2018 13:24

What is he like with you with money generally? I'm assuming he received an inheritance from his mother after she died. What has he done with that? Did he discuss with you how it would be spent etc?