Treating children equally: good or bad?

[BeatyBeast]

My husband and I have two children. A girl of 14 and a boy of 8. Recently it was my son's birthday and dh gave him £50 saying his granny (who died just over a year ago) would have wanted him to have it. I was a bit as it's a lot of money for an 8 year old and we had already given him presents. Anyway I said but you didn't do this for dd (whose birthday was two months ago) he said No, but I wanted to do this so it's none of her (or my) business.

I think this is wrong. I have two children, if I buy a treat for one I get one for the other. For background he is besotted with ds and does not get along with dd. I don't know why this is. It has been a problem for years. She speaks to him with disgust at times but I know she is hurt by his treatment of her. She accepts that he is not that fond of her and tries to get on but here we are. I work from home and do everything for the kids, which leads them to being maybe a bit closer to me because I know their friends, school subjects and schedules and so on. He doesn't.but he does play with ds, he doesn't, and never really has, spent any time with dd.

I don't know what to do about their relationship but I can hold my ground on encouraging him to treat them the same, can't I? Or is that ridiculous, as he thinks?

I typed out a post and lost it....but get him to read these articles.

childhoodtraumarecovery.com/2013/07/22/effects-of-parental-favouritism/

www.newsminer.com/opinion/community_perspectives/parental-favoritism-does-long-term-damage/article_ee54943c-ca22-11e4-a401-0791e2cfc67d.html

A suggestion is to spend quality family time and perhaps play a board game with him and her on the same team.

Or something like wall climbing as a family....where he could encourage her.

Exactly what PPs have said: her sense of self will be severely damaged and your are both setting her up for a life of desperately seeking validation from men. This could be accepting abusive treatment from boyfriends because she this is what she is used to or because she desperately wants love and will whatever she can to get any crumbs they throw. She will be an easy target for sexual abusers. She may be one of these girls who posts provocative pictures online for attention. Girls with this history are drawn to glamour modelling and stripping for male attention.

*Given that she can’t get him out of DS’s life even if he would be willing to drop out of DD’s

How exactly will that help with her believing she’s not worthy of her dads love?*

It will reduce the amount of time she has to be around this toxic man and it will hopefully show her that her mother is serious about loving both of her children equally.

As it stands now, she may call out her husband on being an arsehole to the girl, but she hasn't exactly taken any action now, has she?

How can you love a man who purposely damages his own child?

No, ltb is an option.
You just don't want it to be.
She's of an age where she can choose if she sees him and I bet it will be no.

And to be frank, I wouldn't be surprised if she got to 18 and told you to get lost as well for actively putting her in a situation where she is living with someone who pretty much despises her

Believe me as an adult shè will resent you as much as him. YOU are supposed to protect her from this and be responsible. Instead you are enabling your partner by allowing it to continue. Calling him out on it obviously makes no difference and the message you are now giving her is that her feelings are not as important as his but also yours as you are not prepared to change her situation. As you will not ltb you will loose your daughter, your choice.

I agree with OP that LTB is just a simple solution. OP has started that DD will likely still want to see him, and there will be no buffer. Add to that the "knowledge" that parents split because of her, I think it could be more damaging. As long as you are absolutely calling him out on it and DD knows, I think counselling might be the answer

The favouritism needs to stop or, failing that, your DD needs someone (you!) to make a stand and show that it’s not acceptable. You need to set an example to both children before it destroys the relationship they have with each other as well. Had very similar problems within my family and it totally wrecks your head and destroys relationships between siblings.

I have no relationship with my brother. He is my mother’s favourite child. Father deceased. She didn’t stop him from bullying me and bullied me herself. It is so bad that he is a physical threat to me and I have had to go nc with him. Apparently I’m not disabled and am pretending to be chronically ill.

My father was a workaholic and he didn’t have a clue of my treatment and I never told him before he died. I think he would have hit the roof because some of it was really bad. However, both my parents were responsible for my situation. I have a very difficult situation with my mother. My father died when I was a child and I’m still really angry with him for not protecting me. And I’m also angry with him because he gave my brother lots of extra things and opportunities that I clearly wouldn’t have been interested in because I was a girl.

This is what favouritism and entitlement do to children. I know my case is quite extreme. But your dd has been brought up to get her self esteem from you. So don’t be surprised if she rejects you too.

So OP, what are you planning to do to look after your children and protect them?

You have had loads of advice now, so what is the plan??