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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried about my niece - is this normal?

86 replies

Intelinside · 27/02/2018 09:53

She's 5. Started local school in September, birthday in October. My sister-in-law has her and a 1.5 year old. They live 8 mins walk from the local school but my sil takes both the kids in the double buggy every morning which seems bizarre to me.

On it's own, maybe doesn't seem so bad but they seem to drive everywhere, and their diet is exclusively convenience food and sugary snacks.

I stayed over two nights ago and the kids had: toast, 2 yogurts, juice, chocolate cereal, ice-cream and a slice of cake from the cafe, all before midday.

This isn't normal, is it? I don't have kids so it might be.

My niece has already missed about 25 days school in the first two terms for various holidays and 'duvet' days.

I'm worried about the combination of no structure, poor diet, no exercise on her but there's not much I can do, is there? My brother is so easy going and seems to agree with the lifestyle choices. The kids are happy and I don't want to fall out with them. Both Nan's have had periods of NC for raising similar criticisms...

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 27/02/2018 09:55

It's not the healthiest of diets, but I'm afraid that unless you want the NC treatment, you're going to have to bite your tongue.

Is she running around enough at school and at a healthy weight for her build and height?

Sudafed73 · 27/02/2018 10:00

Duvet days?!

Original poster
Intelinside · 27/02/2018 10:02

Yes, where you take a day off and watch tv under a duvet cos you don't want to go to work/school or whatever.

OP posts:
hungryhippo90 · 27/02/2018 10:04

Sorry but I don’t see what you can really do here if they have cut both grandmas out for periods of time for stating similar.

25 of days off school for holidays and duvet days is ALOT- 25 days or 12.5 though I wonder?

The sugar in their diet alone is scary. Their teeth will be ravaged- my daughter had numerous fillings for having way less than half the sugar all that food would contain in a day. The yoghurts, juice and the occasional bit of cake did it.

It seems likely that there will be multiple people who will pull her up,
There are weight checks at school, reception or yr 1 which will flag this up.

The dentist will lose their shit when they see the dentist if what you saw is indicative of what the kids always eat.

The school will get an EWO officer involved if concerned about attendance.

Maybe you can in the meantime see if you can get involved more with them, maybe say ah there’s this new recipe I’ve found- I’d love to come over and make it for you guys- or invite them over- don’t know your situation or how you usually see them.

Do some healthy baking with your niece, maybe if she likes the healthier stuff mum may think about making it for the kids?

Offer to take the kids to the park for a run around? Maybe invite SIL to go walking and bring the kids along.

I’m sorry there’s not much advice I can give. But from what you’ve said if you come straight out with it they will just shut you out and it won’t help anyone

BerriesandLeaves · 27/02/2018 10:05

Did you name change?

SaucyJack · 27/02/2018 10:05

If her attendance really is that poor, then it'll get picked up by the school at some point. They can do something about it.

Poor kid sounds like she's being killed with kindness.

Sudafed73 · 27/02/2018 10:05

I know what it means, I'm just appalled at her parents! I don't know what country you're in, but in the UK that would be illegal for the child to miss school and will be flagged up by whatever the primary school version of the truancy officer is. That's terrible

Skittlesss · 27/02/2018 10:07

OP - name change fail there.

I think school will pick up on it as 25 days off since September, for no apparent reason, is bad! Our school had someone (Not sure who) coming yo measure and weigh the kids and gave everyone a booklet about change 4 life etc. I think the letter they sent us about it said they will speak to the parents of the children who weren't in the normal range (but obviously written better than that - I just can't remember the exact wording). That was last summer so maybe they do it every year?

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 27/02/2018 10:07

That’s a lot of time off. That’s nearly one day a week.
That seems like a lot of sugary stuff before 12 but maybe it’s a one off treat? No, a healthy 5 year old shouldn’t be in a buggy for an 8 min walk. But......there is nothing you can say without being shunned, people don’t take advice on raising children very well, no matter if it’s given with best intentions.

BerriesandLeaves · 27/02/2018 10:08

Hopefully the mum won't go nc with the school if they mention attendance!

HollyBayTree · 27/02/2018 10:09

Curiosity leads me to ask, how do you know what her attendance is ?

There are weight checks at school, reception or yr 1 which will flag this up. and you can opt out of that old bollox Grin

Ultimately TBH it really isnt your business. I just wouldnt get involved. Some families are totally disengaged. Leave it to the professionals to deal with.

PatriciaHolm · 27/02/2018 10:10

If she has actually had 25 days off so far, her attendance is about 80%, so I would imagine has triggered intervention in the form of a letter at least already. She will be on the attendance officers radar.

It's not healthy, or what most of us would want for our children. There is a limited amount you can do though.

flapjackfairy · 27/02/2018 10:12

This will be picked up by the school but legally you do not have to send a child full time until the term after tbe child turns 5 so that would be january in this case so basically they will be logging it now and hopefully onto it soon.

Original poster
Intelinside · 27/02/2018 10:12

She's had two full weeks for a holiday and a week off when the flu vaccine was given to other kids by a spray too. She's then had 10 random 1 off days away for duvet days. She says it was fine in the first term as she was not compulsory school age and now says that the law says kids have to educated, but not necessarily in a school...? I dunno.

I do try to be more involved but work full time and live two counties away so it's weekends about once a month I see them.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 27/02/2018 10:14

25 days is 5 weeks which is almost a half a term?

Are you sure about that OP?

Original poster
Intelinside · 27/02/2018 10:14

My SIL will post to facebook on them with hashtags #noschooltoday #duvetday #homeschooling and stuff so I just did a quick count of these. May be more if she hasnt posted to fb that day i suppose!

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 27/02/2018 10:16

Cross post

I'd be very surprised if the school were not involved with that shocking attendance?

Sudafed73 · 27/02/2018 10:17

Your sil sounds very odd and like she doesn't take education seriously at all

Graphista · 27/02/2018 10:24

You see them once a month and yet seem to know a LOT how?

Thingsthatgo · 27/02/2018 10:24

Some schools allow flexi schooling. Where you go part time and home educate the other days.

lashestans · 27/02/2018 10:29

im surprised noone has yet mentioned that she takes a 5 year old to school in a pram????? my son would laugh me out the house if I suggested getting him in a pram to school

Original poster
Intelinside · 27/02/2018 10:32

Graphista: i know where they live and wjat school she goes to, so know the difference. Diet comment was about what they ate when I was there at the weekend just gone. And my SIL has told me about the buggy and that they don't walk. I know about the holidays and vaccines cos she's told me/put on fb. You can assume I'm lying but I'm not sure what I'd be gaining from lying about this. I am in regular contact via whatsapp and phone calls, even though I only see them once a month. Does that help you?

OP posts:
mimibunz · 27/02/2018 10:33

I have so much judgment toward your SIL. Anyway, as others have pointed out, she will be on the radar of the school for attendance and possible health/diet issues.

Hillingdon · 27/02/2018 10:33

I am not sure I could stand by and let the 'professionals' deal with it. I went into London last week and had to stand on the train. In front of me in the seats for four were a family with two overweight kids and not surprisingly two overweight parents. During the 1 hour journey they scoffed a packet of jaffa cakes, a couple of bags of sweets and some crisps washed down with Diet Coke.

Some parents are just clueless or lazy and cannot be arsed to be concerned that their kids will grow up exactly like them.

Did I judge them - yes I did!

viques · 27/02/2018 10:34

OP, you are just dying to pile in and have a blistering row with your SIL aren't you? Go ahead, nothing like starting a family feud that will echo down through the generations.

Unless she has had her head stuck inside a concrete pillar for the last five years your SIL will be fully aware of healthy eating policies, why she chooses to ignore them is her business. Back off and get yourself a proper hobby, maybe birdwatching as you are clearly very observant.