Worried about my niece - is this normal?

[Intelinside]

She's 5. Started local school in September, birthday in October. My sister-in-law has her and a 1.5 year old. They live 8 mins walk from the local school but my sil takes both the kids in the double buggy every morning which seems bizarre to me.

On it's own, maybe doesn't seem so bad but they seem to drive everywhere, and their diet is exclusively convenience food and sugary snacks.

I stayed over two nights ago and the kids had: toast, 2 yogurts, juice, chocolate cereal, ice-cream and a slice of cake from the cafe, all before midday.

This isn't normal, is it? I don't have kids so it might be.

My niece has already missed about 25 days school in the first two terms for various holidays and 'duvet' days.

I'm worried about the combination of no structure, poor diet, no exercise on her but there's not much I can do, is there? My brother is so easy going and seems to agree with the lifestyle choices. The kids are happy and I don't want to fall out with them. Both Nan's have had periods of NC for raising similar criticisms...

You won’t be able to do a lot tbh.
I think their diet is appalling, duvets days are crazy. Pushchair is probably down the fact it’s easier for her handle rather than teaching her dd to stay next to her.

I suspect that

• the dd will soon get comments about arriving at school in a pushchair. If it’s notbher oeers, it will be the teacher. So it wont last very long.
• 25 days off will very simply lead to the parents been told off/fined/have the attendance officer coming over to tell them off. Let the school with that on that one!
• diet.... not a lot you can do unfortunately. It might be that their diet (and lack of exercise) has indeed some impact in their health and her getting ill often. In the long run, it’s crap. But if both grand mother have cut out for some time for raising that sort of issues, nothing good will come out of you making the same comments imo.

You can have the dcs at your home and propose them some healthier alternative and just educate them on food. It’s likely that the children will go towards the overweight situation and that will be picked up at school again. But iI suspect your SIL won’t be taking kindly to any comment lime that, even from the NHS.

It's a good point about my brother. I talk to my SIL more probably, and have a closer relationship with her. He works 6 days a week so the weekends I visit, I don't really get to see him much with the kids as he gets in from work about 7pm and the kids are getting ready for bed. He does the bedtime routines.

My sil does the school run and actually has a single buggy too. She also has a lot of wraps and slings and is very involved in the local sling community in her area.

I suppose thats why I'm saying her, as the weekend diet (and you may be right, and it's limited to weekends) and school run is her domain, not his. They've all gone on holiday though!

The ice cream and cake and yogurts and juice and coco pops were all in 1 day before 12pm (Sunday). I left so I dont know if they had 100% healthy rest of the day but they may have done!

Btw I actually think that feeding your dcs that way is close to abuse tbh (well at least in my books. The consequences for their health now and later in in life are massive).
However, there is nothing in the law that ‘forces’ parents to give a healthy diet to their dcs and plenty of children do live of that sort of diet
Which means that, even if you fully disagree with the way she is handling things, you can’t say a thing.

The best you can do is being there and giving the children some support later on in life when they WILL struggle (with their weight, their health, anxiety etc...)

The killing with kindness comment is spot on I think. The kids seem very happy and don't really get told no a lot.
Married, think you've cracked it tbh. It sums up the little I can do so thank you

I would say keep your nose out and you be you and let them be them. At least she is walking them to school not driving. They will all probably turn out fine in the end. I know it's very annoying but it's not exactly child abuse.
Chocolate cereals, however much you hate them, do have added vitamins and minerals too. And what's wrong with yoghurt! The kids are getting plenty of calcium anyway. And the cake was from a Cafe you said. And it was the weekend and they had 'visitors' over.

Didn't think they monitored attendance in reception.

I'm confused by the people saying the OP has had a NC fail.

You could probably advise, diplomatically, on the healthy eating but I, strongly, recommend you not judge too much. Not your business.

They monitor attendance because if you signed up to send your dc to school before 5 you have signed up to send them every day.
If you dont want them to start school you don't put them in school until they turn 5.
If you accepted a place at 4 you follow the rules on attendance. They will have had letters about attendance.

Buggy..maybe it s just quicker.
Food...unless you were there 48 hours you don't know what else was eaten ...
Offer them healthy active lifestyle when they with you.

sounds like a worry about which you can do nothing op.
the duvet days arent good but not your concern.
the diet - again, could be a one off?

can you lead by example?
do you have dc?

Perhaps they had 'treat' food because their auntie was visiting? It doesn't mean that they eat like that every day. They could well be flexischooling, too. Maybe the buggy ride is their treat if they get ready for school in time? If they run around the rest of the time so what? Why are you determinedly seeing the worst in your family? It just sounds like you are very judgmental. I hope that they pick up on how much you are judging them as a family and invite you round less.

tbh her dc will probably start wanting healthy eating themselves, they learn it at school.

if the nans have had periods of NC for raising criticisms, you wont win op, keep the dc on your side as already suggested.

I'm confused by the people saying the OP has had a NC fail.
There was a post by the op under a different name giving further details about the sil but it seems to have gone now

My daughter was 4 in august and started school in September. She was so exhausted that I don't think she did a 5 day week till the following May. But she was hitting her targets and very engaged when she was there. It wasn't a problem.

The diet stuff sounds dreadful though. Your best bet is to stay close to the family and be there to show the kids there are options as they get older.

That's odd berries, I wondered what was going on, thanks. There's been no post deleted though. Does HQ just remove the whole post now?

I do wish it was for a treat, but unfortunately, it isnt the case. When I was there, I said I'd take them to the park and my sil came too as she wanted to drive them. She said 'shall we have a coffee and cake in the cafe in town', we all agreed ans then while walking back to the car we passed an ice cream van and they got one each. they finished those in the car, then we parked up and they had a cake each. It was really nothing to do with me being there. I was there from work Friday at 6pm to Sunday at 12pm. They had broccoli (didn't touch it), chips and nuggets and microwavable mash too.

They do have fresh fruit in the fridge but everything else in there is convenience food - pizza, nuggets, mino sausages, packet lasagne, garlic bread, spring rolls, onion bahjis.

I'm genuinely not sure if this is usual but it seems very odd to me. Combined with the take it or leave it school attitude, and not walking to school or the local park, I feel worried. But I'm genuinely pleased if I have nothing to worry about and it'll not have an impact on her in the future. My concern, or yeah, judgement, is that it might though. But I agree with PP there isn't much I can do but just be there, maybe have them for a weekend and be more encouraging with being healthy when I'm there.

Maybe your sil needs some support? Could she be feeling lonely, depressed, isolated, or finding life a struggle for other reasons? We've probably all resorted to the easiest options when we're exhausted or struggling - driving everywhere, letting kids have what they want, not bothering to cook or exercise, etc. Maybe just try and spend a bit of time with the whole family, offer to take the kids out, babysit, help with things in the house, but try not to be too judgemental about it.

i agree with you op doesnt sound good but what can you do just maybe offer them a dinner round at yours have them round more?

Yes they removed it for me, which was good as I would be mortified if my SIL knew. Which probably speaks volumes about me. I am concerned but truly don't want to cause a rift. My mum and her mum have both commented on it because they've seen it with their own eyes too and my SIL has gone ape shit. I wasnt there though, so dont know how constructive they were raising it.

I didn't mean that to sound like I think you are judgemental OP, just that if your sil is stressed/depressed/tired, etc she might be more likely to take offence if you seem at all critical IYSWIM.

..and maybe you need to speak to your DB
Why is he working six days ?
Is he batch cooking healthy food on his day off so convenience ftom freezer is healthy?
Putting a healthy stew or soup in slow cooker before he goes to work?
Doing the shop online to ensure healthy options ?
Encouraging baked potato and beans rather than frozen chicken nuggets? He is the parent too...

I don’t drive and used my double buggy a lot. I would walk DS to school and only have 20 minutes to get DD1 to pre school about 1km away so aged 3-4 she would walk/run alongside DD2 in the buggy and sit in for part of the way to get there on time. In wet weather she could stay dry and I could go on into town and load the spare seat up with shopping. After forest school she would often nap on the way home. I did get judged by a couple of the mums at pre school who couldn’t believe that DD1 still used the buggy. One of the mums lived near me and drove her son there.

School is only a 10 minute walk so I only used the double buggy if me and DD2 were going shopping. DD1 would have been mortified to be seen sitting in it once she started school, only done it once when she was too poorly I attend but had to come on school run.

Maybe your DN isn’t sitting in it the whole way and just putting bags etc in or isn’t very lively in the mornings. When you visit once a month could you go for a family swim or walk to the woods/park and help them form some healthy fun activities?