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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried about my niece - is this normal?

86 replies

Intelinside · 27/02/2018 09:53

She's 5. Started local school in September, birthday in October. My sister-in-law has her and a 1.5 year old. They live 8 mins walk from the local school but my sil takes both the kids in the double buggy every morning which seems bizarre to me.

On it's own, maybe doesn't seem so bad but they seem to drive everywhere, and their diet is exclusively convenience food and sugary snacks.

I stayed over two nights ago and the kids had: toast, 2 yogurts, juice, chocolate cereal, ice-cream and a slice of cake from the cafe, all before midday.

This isn't normal, is it? I don't have kids so it might be.

My niece has already missed about 25 days school in the first two terms for various holidays and 'duvet' days.

I'm worried about the combination of no structure, poor diet, no exercise on her but there's not much I can do, is there? My brother is so easy going and seems to agree with the lifestyle choices. The kids are happy and I don't want to fall out with them. Both Nan's have had periods of NC for raising similar criticisms...

OP posts:
HollyBayTree · 27/02/2018 10:34

She doesn use a pram, she uses a double buggy. Whilst not usual, its not entirely odd either.

I'm agog you are trawling back through her FB counting up days off, thats a lot of effort!

EWO will pick up as soon at attendance drops below 95%.

Your SIL is quite correct - ther is no law tht states yoru child has to go to school, just that a suitable education is received. How do you think homeschool works? However if enrolled in a school it is usual that they are expected to attend ! Unless your SIL is a traveller, who get an addition 100 'travelling' days off.

DalekDalekDalek · 27/02/2018 10:36

"I'm agog you are trawling back through her FB counting up days off, thats a lot of effort"

A five minute look through Facebook doesn't seem like a lot of effort for an aunt concerned about her niece to me!

HollyBayTree · 27/02/2018 10:37

I'm sure it made you feel all warm and superior hillingdon Grin you hold that thought

Original poster
intelinside · 27/02/2018 10:38

I'd be talking to her about it if I wanted a row but i really don't. I thought maybe my own expectations, not being a mum, might be out of whack but like others here, I do feel judgemental. If it's normal, that's one thing but I do genuinely feel worried. I agree that there's not much I can do depressingly.

It wasnt hard to count back, i just checked those hashtags and ten days came up easily enough on fb.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 27/02/2018 10:40

Why is everyone focusing on the SIL? OP's DB is equally these children's parent.

HollyBayTree · 27/02/2018 10:41

School started in September, we are at the end of February. So thats 6 months, to go through, each day looking for a day off dalek quite a lot of effort, which would be made more difficult IF SIL was a habitual sharer of memes and glitterati and endless quizes like mySIL

DeathStare · 27/02/2018 10:41

OP do you realise you've now had two different name-change fails?

Fundays12 · 27/02/2018 10:42

I think the school will already be monitoring the child’s attendance as it’s very poor. My son has had 2.5 days off since August when he started P1 and that worries me as I don’t like him taking time off sick (school sent him home one day sick).

The children’s diet is appalling if that’s a normal day to day diet. On their birthday or Christmas Day I allow them to eat a fair amount of sweets other than that its limited.

It’s not normal for a 5 year old to go to school in a buggy unless the child has a disability or illness. My 6 year old would be horrified if I even suggested him going to school in his 1 year old brothers pram. Kids need to use their energy up and be active it’s better for them to walk or run around.

Soubriquet · 27/02/2018 10:46

Yeah that's really not ideal

I'm no saint with food. With Ds at nursery, dd tends to eat by herself at tea time. It can be anything from beans on toast to pizza.

But she is so active. She walks to school which can take 20 mins, (sometimes she sits on the pushchair), she does PE at school, an after school club called good movement and ballet on Saturday.

She's 5 on the 26th march

Quaza · 27/02/2018 10:48

viques.

OP, you are just dying to pile in and have a blistering row with your SIL aren't you?

I think you have an active imagination. The OP hasn’t said anything to suggest she wants to say anything to her brother or his wife let alone have a 'blistering row'. 🙄. Still no need to let facts get in the way of a good story

Satiee · 27/02/2018 10:49

So your brother is "easy going" and all this is the responsibility of your SIL and MN appears to agree that it's all for her to deal with. What double standards.

upsideup · 27/02/2018 10:51

You only see her once a month so you dont know what her diet consists of on a usual day. There have been odd occasions where we have gone out with someone on a saturday and my kids have had an icecream and a piece of cake as a treat. If she was overweight I would be worried, if not its fine. Unless she posts her dd's breakfast, lunch and dinner on facebook for everyday your not there too?
School wouldnt worry me at school, I actually think 'duvet days' or homeschooling days would be really benefitial for 5 year olds just starting school, but if it is actually an issue the school will sort that out
Sometimes I do duvet days or homeschooling (I dont call it that ) sessions on the weekends or after school with my children, how do you actually know they didnt go to school?
Is the buggy really that different that a child on a bike or scooter that the parents end up pulling along? Or a parent carrying a child? I wouldnt want to send a tired grumpy kid who has been forced to walk in the cold into school and the amount of cars surounding an infant school I would feel unsafe having them running free. Do you know that she doesnt just stand on the back of her brothers buggy to get a ride?

Hillingdon · 27/02/2018 10:51

Sorry but two irresponsible parents stuffing their children with crap gives me the rage..

Thissameearth · 27/02/2018 10:54

This is all about your SIL - your brother is their parent too and is your relative. What does he say or do. If I was going to raise it with anyone I’d raise it with him. I only have one baby so no experience yet of any of this but certainly plan (ha!) to try to have healthy lifestyle with treats in moderation and also school is important to me (I don’t have any strong view on buggy thing - is getting two to school on time on even a short walk pretty trying?) so this wouldn’t arise for me but if my husband’s sister who didn’t see them that often (and by sounds of you have no parenting experience yourself?) got so concerned she started MN discussion then spoke to me about it I could feel hackles rising. I’ve been an aunt for much longer than I’ve been a Mum. It’s a nice relationship but you really have no say in their upbringing. You can offer help and support and do nice positive things when they’re with you but that’s it unless something like safeguarding then obv you should take steps. I know it can feel like you have all the answers from the outside when you’re an aunt but you don’t. you don’t know what they’re doing really and if you have understood it correctly then it’s obviously bad for instance to feed your child loads of crap So it’s not like you’re delivering some great unknown truth they're unaware of so it’s unlikely to make much difference.

Hillingdon · 27/02/2018 10:57

I am confused that some seem to excuse the overweight parents, the duvet days, the terrible diet as nothing to do with them. Isnt this why we have a huge obese crisis?

SeeKnievelHitThe17thBus · 27/02/2018 10:58

Op have you offered to buy her a single buggy, if only 2nd hand? If she only has a double buggie, is it worth the argument at 8.30am if her older child wants to ride as well? If she has a single and can sell the double, there's no excuse for the older child not to walk.

Backscratchesforever · 27/02/2018 11:00

I doubt she is homeschooling or flexischooling. Some schools allow flexi but most don’t as it is “disruptive” to the child, teacher and other students.

I homeschool one child, and it can be hard work. If she is lazy it won’t work, and she sounds it honestly.

The school will pick up on the weight gain, absences and buggy and if they have concerns the parents will be called in and or the appropriate services will be.

x2boys · 27/02/2018 11:00

Are things all that they seem ? My friends son is in a specialist education setting because of his various special needs, it has now been agreed that he doesn't have to start school untill after the first break , if you don't see your niece that often could there be issues that you don't know about?

Takeaweeseat · 27/02/2018 11:03

You see them once a month and yet seem to know a LOT how?

FFS. Maybe because the OP speaks to her SIL. Isn't that obvious, do you really need to be told?

CB1234 · 27/02/2018 11:05

None of its good but I don't think you will be able to get involved. The absence will be dealt with by the school. They are pretty hot on these things. The diet is not ideal obviously, but will hopefully be picked up by dental treatments or weigh in at school. You need to bite your tongue OP I am afraid. Unless of course she asks for your opinion.

Takeaweeseat · 27/02/2018 11:07

She doesn't use a pram, she uses a double buggy. Whilst not usual, its not entirely odd either

What are you talking about? Yes it is odd. It's very odd to put a perfectly able-bodied 5yo in a pram or buggyShock. Some people talk the biggest pile of shit on here.

CB1234 · 27/02/2018 11:10

And I wouldn't speak to your brother either. He is as much part of these choices. You already know they don't like to be criticised as they n/c the grandmother's. They will inevitably say what do you know as you don't have children and you are not there that often.

Takeaweeseat · 27/02/2018 11:16

Is the buggy really that different that a child on a bike or scooter that the parents end up pulling along?

You really don't know the difference. Ok, well for a start...a child on a bike will be using the pedals the child on a scooter will be using their legs to make the scooter go...both forms of exercise. Sitting in a buggy, sitting...not active. Get it? This child is 5, not 3, no need to pull along anything.

Kocerhan3 · 27/02/2018 11:20

It's a delicate situation when you don't agree with the way someone else is treating or raising their children - especially family as things can turn personal quickly. Maybe it's worth opening a line of communication that is non judgemental or confrontational, light and warm - show genuine concern and love. Ask questions rather than be direct, hint rather than be abrupt and if it goes wrong, re assure your sil and brother than you care for the children's well being only, and as you don't have children of your own, only asking, not telling them right or wrong.

I've done the same with my sister who doesn't have a care in the world about moving out, rather live with her baby and partner in one bedroom in his mums house. I expressed concern, showed her options and asked if she'd like to look into it more or if she was happy. Ultimately she chose not to pursue it, but I've got peace of mind that I've shown her things could be different, it's HER decision to stay and I have to accept that. It's their life, their choices - whether you see it as mistakes or not. It's not worth jeopardising family bonds and relationships over opinions. Ones more important than the other. Hope this helps

Qvar · 27/02/2018 11:24

At the end of the day, you can't do anything about it, and getting as wound up as other posters on this thread seem to do at really very trivial shit (fat people fatting on the train with their fat kids. Fat!) you'll give yourself a turn

Do yourself a favour, and try to disengage a little. Your SIL knows what she's doing and she's happy with it, and the law says that parents are incharge of their own kids,nobody else.