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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreasonable sister-in-law?

84 replies

elemum81 · 27/02/2018 03:15

Apologies in advance for a long and resembling post about something probably very silly...

Me and my family (dh, 3 year old dd and 1.5 year old twins) have temporarily relocated to Asia for a year due to my husband's work. In our home country I'm working full-time, but here I'm at home with the kids and doing all the cleaning, cooking etc. We don't have any family and hardly any friends here, so to get some much-needed help, mainly with the kids, my husband's unemployed sister has come to visit for 6 months.
I'm an introvert with a high need for boundaries, and I like things to be done my way (especially here; I find taking care of three small kids alone doesn't work without strict routines and order).

My sil is a dominant person who also likes things done her way. She's good with the kids, and she does help (despite constant conflicts because of differing views on parenting). However... Most of my house-related routines are not to her tastes, and as she doesn't like the way I wash dishes, clean or do laundry (her words), she has now taken over those chores. Which could have been nice, if it wasn't for the fact that while doing this, she also keeps re-organizing everything she comes in contact with. Changing the order of the kitchen cupboards, relocating the play area from dd's bedroom to the living room (without asking me first) and re-organizing my husband's desk (and misplacing important papers while doing it) are just some examples.

At 3am this morning (SIL for some reason tends to be awake during the night and awake during the day), while getting some water, I saw that she had taken out all the clothes of the kids closet, folded them and was starting to put them back in different places than they were in before. When she saw that I moved some of them back to their original places, she got upset ("are you kidding me?? I'm organizing and you mess it up??"). My husband thinks I shouldn't make a big deal of any of it and just let her get on with it without making a fuss, as none of it is very important.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking her actions are slightly disrespectful? Should I really just let this go, or is it actually reasonable to demand that she asks me before she starts to change things?

OP posts:
OutComeTheWolves · 27/02/2018 03:23

I consider myself to be quite laid back and I'd definitely have told her to fuck off by now.
I don't think it'd do her any harm to remind her that you do things in a certain way because it's your home and that's how you like it.

frasier · 27/02/2018 03:26

It's all very odd behaviour from her! Is she jet lagged?

Unfortunately without your husband having your back, you're going to find it tough. You have to discuss this with him. Tell him it isn't working out.

Are you supporting SIL while she's there? Are you paying her while she's there?

I think you need to come to some arrangement and I think you need to tell your husband what you want first and then BOTH tell SIL what is going to happen from now on. Make a list of chores, a rota but with rules.

If you hate the washing and ironing, put them on her list, If you don't want her in the kitchen, that's on your list. Children's clothes put away, on your husband's list. Whatever works. Your place, you get to choose if you are keeping/paying her.

Write it out and put the list up somewhere where it can be seen if you think she'll argue.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2018 03:26

Good grief. It's time to take control. This is YOUR home and your rules and preferences are the only one's that matter. Dear SIL quickly needs to learn her place. Stop letting her run roughshod over you.

ZacharyQuack · 27/02/2018 03:26

I think you should just let her crack on with it, but set some strong boundaries about the adult spaces and things that really matter to you. e.g. don't touch the desk or your bedroom, don't throw anything out without clearing it with you first, but she can organise the kids to her heart's content.

She's come to work for you for 6 months, that's a really long time if you're going to have a power struggle over everything. It does sound really irritating, but there's no such thing as free home help, you always pay in some way.

(I'd kinda like someone deciding that they don't like the way I wash dishes, clean or do laundry so they take over....)

Secretsquirrel252 · 27/02/2018 03:33

Who suggested a 6 month visit?

frasier · 27/02/2018 03:33

ZacharyQuack I'd love someone to organise me, in fact I paid someone to do that very thing when I moved but need it for other rooms now. But I understand when people don't like their space invaded and if hey were strong willed and didn't let me have my say IN MY OWN HOME I'd be Angry.

(Also, if I liked them it would be more tolerant. If it were my SIL I'd never invited her in the first place!)

OP how long has she got left? You'll probably be hiring someone after she has left anyway won't you? Get your routines - who touches what - sorted out now for when that happens.

Original poster
elemum81 · 27/02/2018 03:47

Thanks for all the replies!
We're not paying SIL salary while she's here, but we did pay for her ticket and, since she forgot to activate her credit card before she came here, all her daily expenses are on us too.
My husband has my back on almost everything, but his take on this is, as someone commented, just to let SIL get on with it, since she's given up on her time to come here and help us. I think I'll just have to conform to this, in order to keep peace at home.
Me and SIL had a huge argument where I just exploded in her face with everything that is bothering me, but I'll have to breathe deeply and apologize. Like my husband says, "don't be right, be smart".
I just find the feeling that someone is kind of taking over very hard. I'm trying to remind myself that she thinks she's helping, but still... But it's nice to know there are other persons out there that think like me.
Again - a huge thanks to everyone who responded to my post; you have no idea how much it means to me!

OP posts:
Original poster
elemum81 · 27/02/2018 04:12

I forgot to add that she's here for another 4 months, until we go back to our home country. The thing is we need help; taking care of 3 kids just under 3 AND do all the housework is very demanding (my husband helps as much as he can, but he works long hours and needs to get up early in the morning), and I also need to read to keep up with my work at home. So - apologize and then shut my mouth for 4 months it is

OP posts:
BeverlyHillsBillie · 27/02/2018 04:28

Why on earth has she agreed to come as an unpaid nanny/housekeeper for six months? Such a strange thing to do, unless you are extraordinarily close to her, which by the sounds of things you are not.

Also,almost everywhere in Asia is should be extremely easy and cheap to find a cleaner/mother's help among the local community and they'd be biting your hand off for offers of work.

I understand about being an introvert and wanting some down time in your own home. I'd find that very hard. And you are entitled to have things kept where you like them, as you want them.

I think this little arrangement needs to be cut short. Thank her for her help and send her home.

LolitaLempicka · 27/02/2018 04:41

I can’t believe you are not paying her! And of course her living expenses should be picked up by you? I think you have to bite your tongue on this one. Or you could send her home and look after your kids and house yourself. Many people look after 3 kids under 4 with absolutely no help.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/02/2018 04:43

Don’t apologise. Use this opportunity to send sil home and pay for help. You’re an introvert and she’s stepping all over your boundaries. If you can’t put a stop to the bullying, she needs to be gone. How dare she decide how your house is organised. This is your home. As she is there for so long, it is also her home. But she is invited at your behest and needs to abide by your rules.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/02/2018 04:44

I forgot to say, not paying her makes this all very awkward. Why did she even agree to be free childcare?

Olicity17 · 27/02/2018 04:46

So she has come to be a housekeeper/ help with the kids? Unpaid?

ChishandFips33 · 27/02/2018 04:50

Tell her you can't wait to be back in your home country and are looking forward to returning the favour and popping round to hers for a little reorganising!

If it is just 4 months, it might be best to suck it up and pretend you are in a hotel/B&B with a servant waiting on you hand and foot
If the arrangement is likely to continue when back home then it needs sorting now

How far away does she live from you back home? Does she have a family of her own?

THirdEeye · 27/02/2018 04:51

I’m sorry but WTF!

She may have come to help you....but that does not mean that she gets to dictate how you do things in your own home.

What kind of message is this giving your children? That she’s the boss of you and her needs out weigh yours.

I would be inclined to employ someone to help with housework (l live in Asia and it is very common to do this). I would also be telling Your DH, that you won’t be sucking it up to keep the peace and that if she doesn’t like it, then she’s very welcome to go back.

SavvyBlancBlonde · 27/02/2018 05:18

You do realise that if she this overbearing for this short stint, then the attitude and behaviour will continue back home? Rod, back. Plus your DC will see her behaviour and eminate.

RadioGaGoo · 27/02/2018 05:21

The amount of people on Mumsnet that berate OP's for not standing up to DP/DH/ExH, but also thinks that you should turn into grovelling doormat when getting free childcare astounds me.

Cavender · 27/02/2018 05:23

Send her home, hire proper help.

Angrybird345 · 27/02/2018 05:43

Send her home, she’s taking the piss.

Angrybird345 · 27/02/2018 05:44

And get her to activate her credit card - she can phone them

jay55 · 27/02/2018 05:53

She’s not helping. She’s doing things that don’t need doing and she’s adding to your stress.
Send her home and pay for a cleaner.

Pseudousername · 27/02/2018 05:59

Odd responses here imo. Must be a drip feed pending re the living expenses and lack of pay.

AIBU - my brother flew me out to be an unpaid nanny to his wife and three kids and every time I do anything she re-does it or tells me I'm doing it wrong.

I wouldn't mind but I'm not being paid and she keeps giving me the side eye every time my brother buys me a sandwich.

It's almost like she expects me to spend six months in a foreign country being a skivvy to her and the kids and whack all of my living expenses onto my credit card and get into debt for the pleasure of helping them out...?!

chocolateiamydrug · 27/02/2018 06:06

why do you need help? You are currently a Sahm and it all should be a doddle.

I would insist of sending her back or returning with the DC myself. I would not put up with it.

HolyMountain · 27/02/2018 06:24

I would not be biting my tongue and ‘being smart’ whatever that means.

For the sake of your sanity and not letting her be in charge ( you say she’s dominant) I’d have it out with your Dh and say she’s got to go, 4 months of biting your tongue will make you ill.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 27/02/2018 06:32

Why on earth do you need a whole extra person to help with the kids? You aren't working, a lot of people work and look after the children.

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