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AIBU?

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Original poster

Unreasonable sister-in-law?

84 replies

elemum81 · 27/02/2018 03:15

Apologies in advance for a long and resembling post about something probably very silly...

Me and my family (dh, 3 year old dd and 1.5 year old twins) have temporarily relocated to Asia for a year due to my husband's work. In our home country I'm working full-time, but here I'm at home with the kids and doing all the cleaning, cooking etc. We don't have any family and hardly any friends here, so to get some much-needed help, mainly with the kids, my husband's unemployed sister has come to visit for 6 months.
I'm an introvert with a high need for boundaries, and I like things to be done my way (especially here; I find taking care of three small kids alone doesn't work without strict routines and order).

My sil is a dominant person who also likes things done her way. She's good with the kids, and she does help (despite constant conflicts because of differing views on parenting). However... Most of my house-related routines are not to her tastes, and as she doesn't like the way I wash dishes, clean or do laundry (her words), she has now taken over those chores. Which could have been nice, if it wasn't for the fact that while doing this, she also keeps re-organizing everything she comes in contact with. Changing the order of the kitchen cupboards, relocating the play area from dd's bedroom to the living room (without asking me first) and re-organizing my husband's desk (and misplacing important papers while doing it) are just some examples.

At 3am this morning (SIL for some reason tends to be awake during the night and awake during the day), while getting some water, I saw that she had taken out all the clothes of the kids closet, folded them and was starting to put them back in different places than they were in before. When she saw that I moved some of them back to their original places, she got upset ("are you kidding me?? I'm organizing and you mess it up??"). My husband thinks I shouldn't make a big deal of any of it and just let her get on with it without making a fuss, as none of it is very important.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking her actions are slightly disrespectful? Should I really just let this go, or is it actually reasonable to demand that she asks me before she starts to change things?

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 27/02/2018 08:09

Maybe she didn't want to come, and felt under pressure to do so.
I think it's a bit much actually to need help. You aren't working why do you need help?

SandyY2K · 27/02/2018 08:10

I was also you thinking house help is cheap in Asia... though not sure which part you're in.

I can understand your annoyance...but it's very generous that she's given up her time to come and help.

Troels · 27/02/2018 08:12

DON'T APOLOGISE. She is a massive pain in the arse, send her home and hire a local person to clean, cook and do the laundry leaving you time to see to the kids.
My Dh would come home to find me digging a hole in the garden to roll that dead body into.

bigfatbuddha · 27/02/2018 08:15

You're expats in Asia so probably making a lot of money. Your SIL isgiving you six months of her life and you don't pay her!?! You are even mad that you have to pay her expenses? How incredibly mean and entitled are you? Do you feel that your ass is gold and it is fine that she gives part of her life for you and should pay expenses because it is an honour to clean your toilet????

Or are you going to leave yourfamily and friends behind and be her slave next? You really really should pay her a wage. She isn't there having fun and a laugh with you.

MeridianB · 27/02/2018 08:18

Also,almost everywhere in Asia is should be extremely easy and cheap to find a cleaner/mother's help among the local community and they'd be biting your hand off for offers of work.

I think this little arrangement needs to be cut short. Thank her for her help and send her home.

^ This

bigfatbuddha · 27/02/2018 08:18

Next time that you are living the rich life as an expat (I did so I know) just pay for some local help.

Headofthehive55 · 27/02/2018 08:20

I think you are a cf and disrespectful.

DevilsDoorbell · 27/02/2018 08:24

Tell you she it’s not working. It’s your home not his sisters. Ask him why is it ok for her to treat you this way? Why is he more afraid of upsetting her than you.

If you let this go, you will end up resenting him. You’ve already given up your job why should you now give up your home.

I know it’s sounds dramatic but I would be telling him that either sil goes home or you will. Not saying it’s easy but can you really do another 4 months of this? And then have her telling you what you are doing wrong for the rest of your life. Because she will do.

And bullshit about her credit card. She could activate activate it right now if she wanted to.

Thedogsmells · 27/02/2018 08:26

You sound a bit cheeky tbh. You think she should be paying her daily expenses, when working for you for free? Most odd. If you can't cope with your kids without full time help I suggest hiring someone local and paying them.

SpringEquinox · 27/02/2018 08:28

She is probably doing all the extra organising because she is bored - has no money of her own because her credit card won't work and she is not being paid for all the childcare and skivvying so is limited in what she can do outside the home. What else is she supposed to do ? It doesn't sound like she is getting much out of this deal, either - spending all day with what sounds like a woman who is very ambivalent about her presence.

I have been an expat sahm with small children in a different culture and this sounds like a bad solution all round. I can see why the DH thought it would work - his sister was at a loose end, his wife wasn't coping ( and it is trickier in a completely new culture until you get used to it) - ask SIL out for an extended stay to an exotic location, save on wages - win,win all round.

Except it's not - there's family dynamics, there's a clash of personalities, both women are away from their home base and spending a lot more time together than either want , she's not paid and doesn't have her own money so can't escape an increasingly toxic atmosphere, the OP doesn't feel in control of running her home.

Either put it on a proper footing and pay her for defined hours and tasks and let her develop some outside interests and friends ( like an au pair) or pay for local help ( which would have so many benefits - local knowledge of how things really get done etc) and cut the visit short or subsidise it as a holiday.

rocketgirl22 · 27/02/2018 08:30

I would send her home.

I could not live like this for another 4 months.

For the sake of your relationship staying in tact with her, dh needs to say it isn't working out.

She should be paid if she is working, a small salary at least if her room is included, this will be making her upset I would imagine as she is doing it for free apart from when your dh sees fit to give her something for her trouble.
You need to employ someone to do it 'your way' and there is so much help to be had in Asia. There will be a constant conflict here otherwise.

You are too busy with too many children to really think this through, but trust me your dh is being a dick.

Beanteam · 27/02/2018 08:38

I would send her home and live in a tip for 4 months.
Unless you are paranoid about appearances. It’s not working , book ticket, bung her money for ‘loss of Uk wages’ or similar reason so she can’t whinge too much. Tell DH you’ve decided.

KochabRising · 27/02/2018 08:43

Thank her for all her help
Send her home
Hire a local helper/nanny/maid or whatever it is out there.

Turquoise123 · 27/02/2018 08:44

This situation is always going to be very uncomfortable isn't it ? Having somebody in effect working for you but not being paid and being your husband's sister.....hmmmm

ReanimatedSGB · 27/02/2018 08:56

I rather think your H is at the bottom of this, as well. I wonder if he thinks his sister is there to train you into knowing your proper wifely place?

doesthislookoddtoyou · 27/02/2018 09:07

This is YOUR home and your rules and preferences are the only one's that matter. Dear SIL quickly needs to learn her place

yes, unpaid slave apparently. Hmm

OP, if you want things done your way, do them yourself. Don't ship out relatives to work for you and then complain that they don't do everything exactly how you want it.

BeverlyHillsBillie · 27/02/2018 09:14

Also, it's pretty difficult to assert yourself when someone is 'helping' you with cleaning and childcare, free of charge. if you want the help, pay someone and then you can tell them to do it your way. Free help will always come with conditions and compromises.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2018 09:23

I have to agree that you should cut this arrangement short and send her home, and get local help instead.
Otherwise you are going to end up hating each other and unable to be in the same house ever again.
I had my MIL stay in my house for 7 weeks while I had DS1, and the ONLY way we managed to deal with that is that she did NOT take over and move everything around but made sure that whatever she did conformed to the way things already were.
I could not have coped with her re-arranging things at all - and shouldn't have had to either, because it IS highly disrespectful to you! She's basically telling you by her actions that she thinks your way is shit and wrong - how dare she!

No, thank her for her help and send her home again. As for her "forgetting" to activate her credit card, yeah right, of course she forgot. Hmm

Bluelady · 27/02/2018 09:26

Why should she activate her credit card? Not only is she providing free childcare and housework but is apparently being expected to pay for the privilege.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2018 09:31

I have been abroad as an au pair, very poorly paid. I paid for my own flight to go out there, and I had a credit card to buy stuff if I wanted to. My "wages" were pocket money because I had free bed and board. I wouldn't have even considered going out there without a functional credit card.

doesthislookoddtoyou · 27/02/2018 09:34

but you were employed and getting paid, so not analagous.

Bluntness100 · 27/02/2018 09:41

I also think there is a back story here. Why do you need full time help? Clearly she's been asked to come because you're not coping or is there another reason? Living with you for six months till you leave is a big deal.

My sister in law has a bit of a habit of re arranging things. Like she will say why are your pots in that cupboard. The other one is better, and proceed to swap them. I give not a shit and let her get on with it. She does it when she's just invited for dinner never mind to come and live with us to help take care of the kids.

IAmNotAWitch · 27/02/2018 09:41

Well, I am very lazy so if someone wanted to organise/clean my house I would just let them crack on (as my MIL learned when she tried to be passive aggressive with me Grin).

I wouldn't take any cheek over the parenting though.

You need to firm up those boundaries. What is her place in the household?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2018 09:53

Yes, I was getting paid and I STILL made sure I had my own credit card facility! If the SIL knew she wasn't being paid then why on earth would she not make sure she had funds of her own? Perhaps she knew that she could take payment by being fully funded by her brother, but if she didn't know that for certain she could have been completely stuffed if they refused to fund her. Who puts themselves in that situation?

Bluelady · 27/02/2018 09:55

Who puts someone in the situation of doing all their shit and expects them to pay for the privilege?

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