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AIBU?

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Original poster

Unreasonable sister-in-law?

84 replies

elemum81 · 27/02/2018 03:15

Apologies in advance for a long and resembling post about something probably very silly...

Me and my family (dh, 3 year old dd and 1.5 year old twins) have temporarily relocated to Asia for a year due to my husband's work. In our home country I'm working full-time, but here I'm at home with the kids and doing all the cleaning, cooking etc. We don't have any family and hardly any friends here, so to get some much-needed help, mainly with the kids, my husband's unemployed sister has come to visit for 6 months.
I'm an introvert with a high need for boundaries, and I like things to be done my way (especially here; I find taking care of three small kids alone doesn't work without strict routines and order).

My sil is a dominant person who also likes things done her way. She's good with the kids, and she does help (despite constant conflicts because of differing views on parenting). However... Most of my house-related routines are not to her tastes, and as she doesn't like the way I wash dishes, clean or do laundry (her words), she has now taken over those chores. Which could have been nice, if it wasn't for the fact that while doing this, she also keeps re-organizing everything she comes in contact with. Changing the order of the kitchen cupboards, relocating the play area from dd's bedroom to the living room (without asking me first) and re-organizing my husband's desk (and misplacing important papers while doing it) are just some examples.

At 3am this morning (SIL for some reason tends to be awake during the night and awake during the day), while getting some water, I saw that she had taken out all the clothes of the kids closet, folded them and was starting to put them back in different places than they were in before. When she saw that I moved some of them back to their original places, she got upset ("are you kidding me?? I'm organizing and you mess it up??"). My husband thinks I shouldn't make a big deal of any of it and just let her get on with it without making a fuss, as none of it is very important.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking her actions are slightly disrespectful? Should I really just let this go, or is it actually reasonable to demand that she asks me before she starts to change things?

OP posts:
BanyanTree · 27/02/2018 06:34

You are an expat living in Asia. You should have gone to an agency and hired someone to come and live in and help you. There are loads of ladies form the Philippines would would have bitten off your hand to spend all day with 3 children and be part of their lives. Also, by hiring someone they will do it your way. On top of this they would have money to send home.

Get rid of your SIL.

HotelEuphoria · 27/02/2018 06:40

YANBU to be annoyed and not want her ther, I'd send her home. I do wonder though if she has come because you have other issues? Three children isn't easy, but millions of women have three children and run a household and not working outside the home at the moment too? YABU not being able to manage this yourself IMO.

SpareASquare · 27/02/2018 06:42

Yeah, I'm not getting why you need help. Are there other issues at play OP?

Send her home if you don't want the free help. Done.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/02/2018 06:42

chocolate
Have you ever lived abroad? Especially with dc. Especially in a very culturally different, foreign country?

Unless you’ve been in ops situation, how the fuck do you know it’s a doddle? Do you think it’s all supermarket home deliveries, ladies that lunch and Pizza Hut?

chocolateiamydrug · 27/02/2018 06:49

Nummer
actually, the UK is not my native country. I have 2 children one of which is severely disabled. No family support and I work too (25h only, not full time). My live is tough but it would be easy in comparison if I have the option to be a Sahm.
Hth

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/02/2018 06:56

chocolate
No it doesn’t help actually. It’s easy to live in the U.K. So many amenities. I’ve only lived in other European countries but that’s already a lot harder than here. I’m sure it would be far easier for op were she living in the U.K. whether or not she’s a Sahm and without family support. I also suspect she’s living in a far bigger house than most would imagine, which will take a lot of time to clean.

I don’t doubt your life is difficult. But it does no one any good to compare others disfavourably.

NerrSnerr · 27/02/2018 06:58

I'm also wondering why they need so much help, but if it is so essential to have a nanny/ housekeeper wherever you are then you should pay someone to do it.

pigeondujour · 27/02/2018 07:02

Why would you have expected her to pay by credit card for the privilege of working for you, when she's not earning to pay it off? Astounding.

HangingRoundInABofAlorsStance · 27/02/2018 07:05

3 kids as a SAHM abroad with culture shock, no extended family or friends sucks. If any of you have been lucky enough for it not to, superwomen that you are, bully for you. Well done, here have a gold star Star
That said, OP, and I only had 2 weeks of the rearranging the drawer, it is...just a drawer and if she is now doing lions share of housework then ffs let her get on with it, grit your teeth, say thank you and enjoy your kids.

DietCokeGirrrrrl · 27/02/2018 07:07

It seems odd that you and your DH decided you needed her there for 6 months even though you aren't working. Not trying to judge at all, but does it take two of you full time to manage the household and children? 6 months is a very long time to have a house guest.

Could you resolve this by giving her specific tasks to manage and then just lettting her do them however she wants? Make it things you don't care about and let her get on with it. If she's giving you 6 months of free housekeeping and childcare I expect you can learn to live with her rearranging things etc.

CherryMaDeary · 27/02/2018 07:10

Which country in Asia? May have been cheaper to get a housekeeper.

londonrach · 27/02/2018 07:16

Send her home, hire proper help. Daft arrangement.

squiglet111 · 27/02/2018 07:23

See I couldn't get too wound up about it. She's helping you out unpaid. This could have gone the other way where she lazed around and contributed to the mess and didn't do anything. I'd much prefer this organised person, especially as you aren't paying her.

Ok it's a bit annoying that she's trying to re-organise your home, but it's not your home really as you are leaving in 4 months. So just let her get on with it. maybe let her worry about organising the kids and you do cooking or something like that. Or agrees on areas that you each control and have responsibility for and the other can't touch?

Also, be grateful she is doing all this as if you were on your own trying to organise house and kids you would be happy for any help, even if it was controlling.

I think you should try and look past your annoyances and try to start getting on with her, try and be friends. Go out for coffees together with kids, enjoy shopping trips... Take kids to fun places together etc. Make it time to bond rather than create an enemy for life

Bluelady · 27/02/2018 07:36

I'm wth your husband. Set some boundaries like don't touch any paperwork and let her crack on. The most important thing you said was that she's good with the kids, that's the really big thing. How many people get a housekeeper and nanny combined for nothing except paying their incidental expenses?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/02/2018 07:41

I would send her home. Get in some paid help, it isn't worth the stress.

diddl · 27/02/2018 07:43

I agree that if it's not working send her home.

Why was she asked and if unemployed-how has she managed to get 6 months away?

Roussette · 27/02/2018 07:45

Like my husband says, "don't be right, be smart"
Your husband sounds like Donald Trump and that's not a good thing

I'm sorry but someone has halfway round the world to help you out day after day for no money, she can organise to her hearts content! She's doing this unpaid and can do wht she wants in my book. All because you aren't paying her.

If you employed and paid someone local and told her exactly how you wanted things done, that's fine but not in this scenario.

Chugalug · 27/02/2018 07:47

I had 3 under 3. No twins.no help.husband away weeks at a time with work.once when youngest was 2 weeks old...I would of loved 6 months live in help...I'd would of made it work...but this is about you....send her home if it dosnt work for you ..you shouldn't have your life made more difficult,when she's trying to help.are you finding it's because she's your sil you dont feel you can be firm?

LouHotel · 27/02/2018 07:49

So youve basically shipped SIL half way round the country to be an unpaid servant and now your not happy with how she's helping?

YABU to get a relative to take 6 months out of their lives i would imagine would have taken some convincing. I expect the conversation by your DH might have included ''op is struggling'' and maybe thats why she's reorganising.

Usually when theres strife there's a DH problem at the center of it.

Mintylemons · 27/02/2018 07:55

This is a very odd set up.

Agree that it’s time to ship her home if you don’t like it.

WilyMinx · 27/02/2018 07:58

I would really, really hate this tbh, but I have learned in recent years that letting go of the small things makes me feel much happier. If your SIL has taken over the chores entirely, then try to let her get on with it and learn her new system. If you hate it, revert back to your old one after she's gone. I know it's really hard as it's your house, ergo your rules, but she's doing a favour, and if you try to adjust your way of thinking (e.g. that she's not challenging your authority and just thinks her way is better), I think it will make her presence a lot more tolerable.

WizardOfToss · 27/02/2018 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TroubledLitchen · 27/02/2018 08:08

Entering into this arrangement was a massive mistake. She’s not helping you, she’s undermining you, causing arguments and making life more difficult. I don’t know where in Asia you are but I doubt it would be that difficult or expensive to hire a cleaner/nanny/mother’s help... whatever best suits your needs. Learn from this and if your husband takes another expat assignment make proper plans that don’t involve an overbearing family member.

As for the here and now, you need to tread very carefully unless you want you relationship with your SIL to be beyond repair (you must have the patient of a saint to not have thrown her out already). Sit down with your DH and discuss how to proceed. You could pay for her flight home or continue to have her stay but relinquish her of any housework/childcare duties (preferably hiring a professional to help instead).

Gazelda · 27/02/2018 08:08

I don't understand what SIL is getting out of this arrangement?
I suspect your troubles won't be over when you return home - the dynamic within your extended family will have been set.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 27/02/2018 08:09

Could you sit down together and share out all the jobs eg ago kirchen and food, laundry, cleaning of other rooms, childcare, shopping etc. Decide which of you is responsible for each job and agree not to interfere with each other's jobs.

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