...to be so upset by DPs actions yesterday?

[MsHippo]

Just wanting some perspective here. Sorry, it's turned out a bit long!

Yesterday morning DP and I had a pathetic argument whilst I was getting ready to for a run. He had left my makeup wipes open overnight (after bringing me one) so they had dried up, I had pointed it out in a slightly irritated way (I know IABU about this part!) and it escalated into a tiff. After a while of cross back-and-forths, he told me just to go for my run, so I did.

I was out for about an hour, and when I got back he wasn't there. I looked in every room several times, and noticed he hadn't taken keys, wallet, shoes, coat etc, and didn't appear to have got dressed. At this point I was really worried about him, he would never go out without those things, and I genuinely couldn't find him, so I rang/texted several times and waited for a few minutes to hear back. When I heard nothing, I grabbed his coat and headed out to look for him and give it to him if he was cold. I checked the garden, walked round the block etc but no sign of him. I was really concerned about him as this seemed very out of character and I had no idea where he might have gone with new shoes, coat, money.

I headed back home to regroup and which point he appeared. It turned out he had been sat behind the spare room door, his phone was silenced and he had sat (and not come out when it was clear I was looking for him) there because he didn't want to talk to me when I got home. I was slightly beside myself and got quite upset with him. I was upset both that he had been hiding from me, and also because I had been so worried about him when he was "missing". We've since kissed and made up, but he doesn't seem to understand why I was so upset.

So (got there in the end!), was hiding from me like that a normal this to do, and WIBU to be so upset?

Is this a theme in your relationship?

What I mean is, do you get punished and made to feel that you are unreasonable every time you point out to him that he has damaged something of yours or upset you in some way?

Some people use this as a way to train their partner never to express their own thoughts, wishes or feelings so that their own will always be prioritised. The message is "You must never tell me that I have done something that irritates or upset you because doing so hurts my feelings and my feelings are always of paramount importance."

They punish you for expressing your feelings to the point that you think you were unreasonable for ever even mentioning it. This enables them to treat you and your belongings with absolutely no respect whatsoever and you can't say a word in case you upset them.

If this was a one-off, be aware of this pattern developing in the future. If this is a pattern of behaviour you recognise in him, walk away as it is likely to escalate as the relationship progresses.

""Oh DH, you left my wipes open and now they're all dry"

If that's all you said, how on earth did it escalate, & who escalated it?

Firstly get your own wipes in future. Otherwise he was selfish, immature and childish - id be very cross

He sounds like a tit.

@diddl

Me: Oh DP, you left my wipes open and now they're all dry
Him: (slightly grumpily) Well they're just wipes
Me: I know, but they're not really usable now which is a waste and I'm going to have to buy some more
Him: Does it really matter?
Me: No, it was just a bit careless with my stuff really (getting a bit annoyed now that he won't just apologise and move on)
He gets a bit annoyed too, it escalates.

The root of the argument was largely irrelevant to be honest.

And he got me a wipe the night before because he was up and we do each other favour like grab something from another room if we're already up for another reason. I thought this was normal?

Yes that's completely normal in most households.

I have no idea why some people are telling you to get your own wipes etc.

Sorry, I've realised I've used "DH" a few times when I meant "DP", accidentally misleading.

Also, I just wanted to say - he was very apologetic when he realised how much he had upset me. He just didn't really...get why, if that makes sense. He is normally a very kind and considerate man, that's why this was so bewildering.

Did he actually hide? Or was he just sat alone, minding his own because he was angry?

Always store your wipes upside down and you won't have this problem.

Does he do things like this often op?

Seems a massive red flag to me.

@lostjanni I think a bit of both. I think it started as option 1 but turned to option 2 when he realised I was looking for him. When I asked him what he thought I would think when I couldn't find him, he said he thought I would have just assumed he had gone out for some air.

You both sound a bit ridiculous, sorry. Your grown-up partner is not home when you come back, well, he's not home. It was nice of you to check he wasn't locked outside, but you completely over-reacted. You should have jumped in the shower and get on with your day until he'd stop sulking following your argument.

He doesn't sound any better, hiding in a flat is ridiculous. He should have just gone for a coffee or a walk like any normal adult would.

Both BU

Sounds like a weirdo

He was in the wrong for leaving your wipes open. Yet he has punished you. That’s the start of a unhealthy relationship. Beware, if he continues you must LTB, They never improve or change and finally everything will be your fault.

You’ve run out of milk because he spilled a bottle, it’s your fault for putting the bottle in the fridge with the handle facing the wrong way.
Your friends cancel because their child is ill, it’s your fault for still having crappy friends who use you.
The neighbours call over “good morning” whilst he is mowing the lawn and you’re hanging washing, it’s your fault for constantly flirting with him.
You get the picture? Everything will be a big row and it will all be your fault, it gets so fucking draining, just watch out for it and don’t let him destroy you. Because that’s what his hiding says to me!

All very odd.

"getting a bit annoyed now that he won't just apologise and move on)"

Yes, I can understand that.

Some people just can't say sorry.

I'd be considering a future without him.

Just put some water on the wipes- the part that evaporates is probably the water...

He was in the wrong for leaving your wipes open. Yet he has punished you.
you have a recording of the fight, have you? You know for a fact who was unreasonable and over reacted? Or are you projecting your own issues onto the thread?

God I see this kind of thing with people a lot. They do something careless or thoughtless, often just a minor thing, but when you mention it, instead of just saying, "Ooops, sorry dear" (which would end the whole thing because it's really NOT a big deal), they refuse to acknowledge it and that just makes it into a whole big thing. But of course YOU'RE the one being irrational and childish because "It's just a WIPE!". It's not the wipe, it's the complete inability to say "Oooops, sorry, my bad".

I can't stand sulkers.

Having been on these boards for years, I can see exactly where the joy of sox is going. Unfortunately this kind of shit is all too common.

The op may have over reacted slightly and snapped but his behaviour was off, childish and occurred for a prolonged period. That's the red flag here for me.

you were both behaving oddly.

Him for hiding like that, instead of just saying "I don't really want to spend time talking to you just now", and you for chasing around with his coat, trying to find him because you were worried he might be cold. He's a grown man, and you aren't his mother. I'd have done those things if my toddler had found his way outside, not my partner.

Minor argument over wipes - meh
You acting like he was a child that had run away from home - ott
Him refusing to answer - odd

I'm struggling with why you over-reacted so much when he wasn't there when you got home. I would have got on with my day, not went out with his coat and walked round the block. You live on the 5th floor, presumably he could have buzzed you or someone else to let him in if he'd forgotten his keys.

If I found my dp had been hiding behind a door from me I would laugh at him for a very very long time.

If I found my dp had been hiding behind a door from me I would laugh at him for a very very long time.

THAT is how normal people react - and their partner would have been laughing too behind that door. Remind me of Ellen and Portia trying to prank each other.