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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stalked online for my house value by new love interest

126 replies

Smile1978 · 25/02/2018 23:31

Met on the face of it a good guy IRL ,shared interest and outlook.Taken aback as this evening had a telephone call usual stuff discussed then randomly they said the houses where you live are worth £xx when I checked on Zoopla.Taken aback I said are they ? and tried to laugh it off by saying hmm cyber stalk ,he kept pushing the point on what the value of my home may be ! .Is it me or this is odd behaviour not to mention the gold digger element ? .For background this follows on from a conversation a few days prior that they randomly said you must earn £xx and the payments on this place must be at least £ xx PCM .I know I have been out of the dating scence for what seems and age but is thIs the new norm for a potential suitor to bring into a conversation?

OP posts:

FitBitFanClub · 26/02/2018 14:09

Kingdom the car may be a motability one or on finance.

Do Motability do "top-of-the-range sports cars" then? And if it's on finance, (ignoring the fact that you also have to pay premiums for motability) then such a car will be costing hundreds of pounds a month, which is money that could be put towards "expensive rent."

anxious2017 · 26/02/2018 15:10

if I was in a position like yours, I might investigate down-sizing my car and releasing some cash

But you're not so you can't really say what you'd do.

FYI, my car was hit from behind and police were unable to trace the person who drove off, so it is bashed and dented and I can't afford to have it repaired. It has a few other problems and is old now, so cash release would be very low. Certainly not enough for me to buy as decent a runner as this is and large enough for my wheelchair. This car has been adapted which costs thousands and I wouldn't be able to afford to have that done to a different car.

It's not expensive to run, actually. I have free car tax with PIP and very low insurance due to 25 years no claims. Diesel would be the same for whatever car I drive as it needs to be large.

It always baffles me how people on Mumsnet can judge others when they literally have no idea.

BrendasUmbrella · 26/02/2018 17:29

It wouldn't be a deal breaker to me, but it's worth keeping at the back of your mind.

Doobedoobedoobedoobedoobe · 26/02/2018 18:43

This would freak me out and I'd run, fast.

user1510568216 · 26/02/2018 20:17

@MyKingdomForBrie the point I was making was that not many people know I own the property so judging by the comments here they presume I'm in social housing. Never actually thought about how people perceived me until I read this thread. There could be loads of explanations for having a nice car. Iv seen some cracking mobility cars! It could have been unsellable so went straight to market & him or mechanic friends fixed it up. You really shouldn't judge. Not just you personally. All of us.
I'm a bit meh about him looking up the house price. Lots of people do it. Only weird bit is him telling you. So if anything maybe he's just a bit thoughtless. Only you can know the dynamics of the conversation so your gut will tell you.

FitBitFanClub · 26/02/2018 21:32

It always baffles me how people on Mumsnet can judge others when they literally have no idea.

Not sure why it's baffling. We post on the information given, so you chose to say only that you're in social housing with a high-end BMW on the drive, and struggling for money. Then came a bit of a drip-feed.

MyKingdomForBrie · 26/02/2018 21:32

@user1510568216 people do remain in social housing when they do not financially need to and I do judge that behaviour. I’m not going to sit here and pretend to be more than I am - I try not to ‘judge’ people but there are choices that some people make that clash very much with what I feel is morally right and I think that they are behaving in a way that is wrong. I think we all do if we are honest.

SpringHen · 26/02/2018 21:37

I might have been at a wedding with him

He went round the table asking everyone the value and size of their home and telling us each in turn how many more bedrooms they could get for that amount if they bought in his area.

Its not that unusual a conversation topic but its not the most graceful or interesting topic either.

user1510568216 · 26/02/2018 21:45

@MyKingdomForBrie I do agree to a certain extent. But in the context of this thread we have no idea if he should or should not be in social housing. We literally have no idea of his circs or how he came to have a nice car whilst living in social housing. We are all too quick to judge when we have no idea of the actual facts.

MyKingdomForBrie · 26/02/2018 21:55

@user1510568216 I put a question mark at the end of my comment on his circs, it was clearly a questioning thought. My later comments have just been that I would judge someone who remained in SH with no need to, I stand by that. That’s just human nature - of course we could always think ‘well, it might be that he won the car in a sweepstake and has no other money’ etc but in general we think the obvious first and wonder about it. People may wonder about you, but does it matter? I wouldn’t be telling OP to avoid him just because he had a fancy car, but I’d wonder what the circs were.

I still think stalking her house price is weird and she should swerve!

MistressDeeCee · 26/02/2018 22:06

Who cares whether he should be in social housing or not?

New man, wants to know salary, house value & mortgage payments = intrusive oddbod with an agenda. Get rid.

user1510568216 · 26/02/2018 22:10

I totally agree with you that people who can afford to not be in SH shouldn't be but that's a different debate altogether. We can't say he or anyone shouldn't be in SH because they have a nice car.

MyKingdomForBrie · 26/02/2018 22:16

I didn’t!! I put a bloody question mark!!! This is getting tedious now.

peachypetite · 26/02/2018 22:18

Jesus this is so weird. Run away

starlightafar · 26/02/2018 22:22

Are social housing tenants not allowed luxuries, in the same way food bank recipients should only be given value range meatballs and beans?
To get through life we need to be able to strive for nice things, otherwise we exist. Poverty does serious things to people. It strips them of dignity, wrecks their mental health, stops them having relationships (no benefits if you have a long term partner). Yes, motability cars can be flash but the owner has to pay extra for them. But no, let's slam the disabled and say no, it should be an old, plain car and they should be fucking grateful to have any car.
If people cannot see social housing as a long term home, then they will cease to look after it and the areas of social housing will become uglier and rougher and nobody will take pride in that area. In turn, the children will grow up with no respect for surroundings, and less hope for their own lives.
But hey, as long as that council tenant is immoral for having a nice car, well that's ok because your judgement is obviously more important than his.

OutyMcOutface · 26/02/2018 22:24

He has no manners. I would feel a bit embarrassed even talking to my DH about money so bluntly. Run fit the hills.

MrsMaxwell · 26/02/2018 22:25

If I did it I wouldn’t admit it

CB1234 · 26/02/2018 22:56

His personal circumstances are irrelevant. It's the fact he thinks the value of your house is important enough that he needs to look it up and talk about it which is the issue. It's weird, intrusive and odd. And it would still be all of those things if he was living in an expensive house himself.

MistressDeeCee · 27/02/2018 03:12

Are social housing tenants not allowed luxuries, in the same way food bank recipients should only be given value range meatballs and beans?

It seems so according to some people. Nothing worse than working class snobs who think poverty has to be proven by having and striving for nothing.

OutComeTheWolves · 27/02/2018 03:26

I'm really nosy so I might actually do similar. However I'd have enough awareness to realise it's weird and therefore not tell the person I was dating!

BeverlyHillsBillie · 27/02/2018 04:05

I think lots of us might do it Out but surely common sense dictates that you'd keep that little nugget of info under your hat? Cripes, what a way to scare off potential partners.

hesterton · 27/02/2018 04:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

starlightafar · 27/02/2018 12:37

@mistress
Definitely. Middle class people are generally supportive of the poorest. The bitter ones are definitely the working poor who slog away in private rented or bought properties and are jealous and angry at the things those below them get The thing is, those below are doing nothing wrong. Anyone can join the waiting list. If your marriage is miserable don't be a martyr and argue you are better than single mums just as you live in a slightly better area. Leave him and do the same yourself.
It is the condescending attitudes that make the working class feel better and superior about their own, real, failure to progress and mobilise socially to the middle class.
Can't believe the house price stalkers on here though? Are you materialistic or just nosy, as I wouldn't care if it were a shed, if I liked someone enough.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/02/2018 14:39

Isn't it interesting how many people are condemning the bloke for judging the OP's financial statement, then in the next breath doing the same to him!

MistressDeeCee · 27/02/2018 15:43

starlightafar I believe you are entirely right.

Aside from that..not only does this man look up house prices info he's also nosing into OPs wages/finances. A point I feel that's being studiously ignored.

Anyone who thinks this is ok in someone they've just met be it a friend or love interest, needs to pick their self-esteem up from the floor.

I find this type of man to be normally the type that has fuck all himself but is looking for a come up in reverse snobbery fashion.

I suppose they could convince someone who wants a man/friend by any means necessary, that this intrusiveness is ok.

Interesting how many people would support his actions. Perhaps they think it's a woman's role to prove she is financially worthy of a man, as it's so important to have one so, anything goes including being grilled about your own money 🙄. You wouldn't think its 2018, the number of ways that women are advised to be 'pick me's' before even knowing whether a man is suitable as a life partner.

I can't stand nosey people, especially with an agenda. I wouldn't give Mr Beaky the time of day.

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