I want marriage.

[imsorrydarling]

So just a little background information to set the scene.

My partner and I are in a ‘long distance’ relationship. I reside in the midlands & he in Manchester. 1.5 hour distance.

I’ve known him for 5 years since 2014. We didn’t become ‘official’ since 2016.

We’re both Pakistani, so due to our culture/faith, we don’t live together and although our relationship isn’t a secret, it’s not publicised either.

We met on a Muslim matrimonial site. I was on there seeking a serious relationship which would lead to marriage and he was aware of this as he claimed to be seeking the same. However, I was one of many women he was speaking to at the same time and even though I could sense he wasn’t truthful, I just went along with it. My mum died a few months after we started speaking so I guess I felt like I needed him.

Anyway since 2016, everything has been great. However he won’t steer towards the topic of marriage or the next stage. The next stage would be for our families to meet. His family is slightly more traditional than mine, and to get the ball rolling, they would need to speak to my dad and come visit us etc. It’s just how the culture has worked for centuries.

Every time I mention this, we get into an argument. He brushes it off and when I persist, it escalates. This has been going on since November.

Yesterday when I mentioned it again, he said I was selfish for bringing marriage up because his sister died in July and it’ll take a very long time to get over it.

I don’t know what to do. I know I’ve mentioned culture a few times but it’s just how it is. I have friends and family who have dated men and once it’s hit the 1/2 year mark, families have become involved and marriage has happened.

I’m 28 now and sick of everyone wondering why I am unmarried.

DeathStare, I agree he's stalking but that being the case if he gets ANY response from the OP, she'll be starting from Square 1 again and he will never believe her because 'it worked last time'

As I understand it (and I may be wrong) if she needed to involve the police at any time she would need to show that she had told him to stop contacting her. If that's the case, then an email to that effect could be very useful further down the line.

Well, as she knows his address, a solicitor's letter would affect the same - and perhaps make the point a little firmer.

Oh yes, he’s absolutely desperate to get this resolved. So desperate that he wants to meet you a week on Friday!

What a dickheas. Glad you’re moving on OP.

*effect the same

What's your position now OP? Are you going to meet him or ignore his message? 4 years is an awful long time for someone to commit - even in anyone's life and you haven't even had that offer. I'm sure if he meant to change his mind he should be telling you now in email or voicemail. You hold all the cards here, he's now doing the running. What do you think you're going to do?

There’s a website I love called baggage reclaim - partly about relationships where one won’t commit. I found it useful.

The 9th?!!! Is that his earliest slot? Nothing is going to change there.

I am so sorry, and I am sorry you lost your mother.

It is essential that you break off with this man. He has wasted your precious time in a very wrong way given your culture makes it absolutely clear the marriage is the goal and the next steps should have been taken after 6months.

I think if your mum were here she would be telling you this.

Please don't regret breaking iff with him either, he has been extraordinarily selfish but he is calling you selfish. You have had a lucky escape from a very unpleasant person imo.

LIPSTICK
No individual is compelled to,or needs to marry so don’t try convince him otherwise
Go date a man who wants to progress to marriage
This scumbag volunteered himself on a matrimonial website. He is a lying cheat.

Rosamund - I linked to that on the previous page. Brilliant resource for anyone entangled with a fuckwit.

People are going to think we are the blogger's sock puppets

Why on earth are all your eggs in one basket, for a man who's happy with situation as it is now and shows no intention of wanting marriage? At the very least you should be dating others. I bet he is.

At 28 this man is offering you a casual relationship, and you are letting him dangle you in this way?

Stay with him if you want but it's a road to despair seeing him as your only option. I bet when he does marry - it won't be to you. You are not the woman he will bring home to his family as his future wife. He has the benefit of you without having married you.

If it's anything like some men of my culture - they feel they got you easily without really having had to court you so subconsciously to them you aren't wife material. You didn't see yourself as having value so you didn't hold out for what you want...you just went along with what he wanted, beyond the time where if he were serious you know very well that he'd have cemented your relationship.
I know this is very, very sexist. But the real world IS sexist, it can't be denied.

So open up your field a bit. You don't have to tell him at all, as I'm pretty sure he's not telling you about other women he is seeing. & make no mistake - he is either seeing other women or he's married.

Too often women seem to think they're exercising their freedom when really they're just enabling men to have a sex and company comforter for years, until he gets all that out of his system then settles down but not with the comforter. Fine if you want to be that woman, why not? It's your own choice and business. But not fine if you don't.

Do yourself a favour, open your eyes and realise he is not the only man in the world. Decide the kind of relationship you want for you, then stick with that. You won't meet anyone whilst you're preserving yourself for this future-faker that's for sure.

Crumbs, how awful. I do think it might be worth sending him an email with something short and unemotional like "It is clear that we have no future. Please do not contact me again". Does he know where you live?

It’s laughable how his earliest availability is the 9th lol. I’ve received another voicemail how he’s cancelled his business trip ‘because of me’.

It’s comments and advanced planning to see me, which reassure me I’m not losing out on anything.

If he cared about me it would never have even got to this point. And despite that, surely he’d have wanted to see me earlier.

It’s only now that I’m out of his little grasp, other scenarios make sense.

I was never invited to his sisters wedding, even though his family knew about me. As I was a ‘girlfriend’, it didn’t look ‘right’. The wedding was a grand affair with around 800 people so I don’t think anyone would have cared who I was or how I knew the bride. But yeah I didn’t get an invite.

We’ve never actually spent my birthday or valentines together. I’ve always received gifts and flowers to my home, but never actually spent the day with him.

When my dad was in hospital for two weeks, he went on holiday. I know my dad being in hospital shouldn’t stop him from living his life, but it was a stressful situation. The hospital was about 1 hour away, and I was going everyday, and staying pretty much the whole day there.

He’s also notorious for cancelling on my last minute.

I was in Manchester for work once, and I could have easily come back home, but it was his idea for me to stay that particular night. He booked a nice room in the city centre but actually didn’t bother coming to see me. Made an excuse his mum was in Birmingham and her car had broken down, so he had to go collect her. Fine. Ended up waiting for him up until 2am. Apparently he didn’t leave Bham until 3 and battery had died.

Looking back it makes me feel like an idiot but I always gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Thank you so much for your responses. I do read and digest them all.

I’ll definitely look into the blog after dinner.

World - I’m not going to cave in this time. It’s just an on going circle. And if I don’t cut myself out from it, it won’t end until he finds someone he does want to marry and leaves me.

Cru - he does know where I live but he’s way too arrogant to turn up. If he turned up it’s acknowledging he had upset me and that will never happen.

beepthemeep I wish that website ----the proper internet had been around in 1997 or thereabouts. May have saved me a world of pain. I would be happy for baggagereclaim to sock puppet in every relationship thread- so much sense there.

I wonder if he had you and another girlfriend (neither of you good enough to marry)!

imsorrydarking he sounds like he is in a relationship with someone else. Some families even enable this (god knows why).

Let’s take the wedding. This wasn’t a registry affair with 6 people including bride and groom. 800 people. That’s the milkman and his cat who got an invite. Weddings are a time people think about relationships. A single, rich (from what you say re presents) eligible bachelor would have been encouraged to have a guest. I know there is not the same pressure on a man to remarry but of those 800 someone’s pushy Middleton/ Mrs Bennett mother was trying to marry her daughter off to him. The reason he didn’t want you there was to be able to play the field or his real wife/fiancé was there.

Some men are known to visit marriage sites because they want a ‘decent’ girl not a ‘tinder slut’ but with no intention to commit.

Sorry.

I thought I was ancient when I was 28 but now wish I were that age again with my life before me.

He's not available til the 9th? WTAF?

If you meet him as he wants, you will be making a big mistake. Stay strong, and free to find a real partner.

Every one of your posts since I was last on this thread has shown him to be an absolute twat! Every post gets worse!

You sound lovely please don't let him steal anymore of your life/time, there will be a man out there who will be thankful every day that a person like you wants to share your life with him!

I've just rtft. I have nothing to add that hasn't been said already. I just wanted to say that you seem like a kind, caring and lovely person. He is a shit. You deserve better and will find better.

So I crumbled and called him.

He asked me why I was upset with him.

I expressed my sentiments and wants/needs (Marriage) and he blamed me for the end of the relationship. Apparently it was the nagging and mentioning of marriage which put him off committing to me.

He hung up on me whilst I was speaking.

I rang him back 4 times. He didn’t answer.

But you met on a matrimonial site 5 YEARS AGO! Why the hell would mentioning marriage put him off?

He is a dick. And a rude lying one at that. Please don't give him the satisfaction of contacting him again. You are worth so much more.

When someone shows you who they are - believe them.
He’s a twat. You will get over him. You will stop calling him. And you will find someone who deserves you.