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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want marriage.

155 replies

imsorrydarling · 25/02/2018 12:23

So just a little background information to set the scene.

My partner and I are in a ‘long distance’ relationship. I reside in the midlands & he in Manchester. 1.5 hour distance.

I’ve known him for 5 years since 2014. We didn’t become ‘official’ since 2016.

We’re both Pakistani, so due to our culture/faith, we don’t live together and although our relationship isn’t a secret, it’s not publicised either.

We met on a Muslim matrimonial site. I was on there seeking a serious relationship which would lead to marriage and he was aware of this as he claimed to be seeking the same. However, I was one of many women he was speaking to at the same time and even though I could sense he wasn’t truthful, I just went along with it. My mum died a few months after we started speaking so I guess I felt like I needed him.

Anyway since 2016, everything has been great. However he won’t steer towards the topic of marriage or the next stage. The next stage would be for our families to meet. His family is slightly more traditional than mine, and to get the ball rolling, they would need to speak to my dad and come visit us etc. It’s just how the culture has worked for centuries.

Every time I mention this, we get into an argument. He brushes it off and when I persist, it escalates. This has been going on since November.

Yesterday when I mentioned it again, he said I was selfish for bringing marriage up because his sister died in July and it’ll take a very long time to get over it.

I don’t know what to do. I know I’ve mentioned culture a few times but it’s just how it is. I have friends and family who have dated men and once it’s hit the 1/2 year mark, families have become involved and marriage has happened.

I’m 28 now and sick of everyone wondering why I am unmarried.

OP posts:
Original poster
imsorrydarling · 25/02/2018 13:04

Smug - his wife died 2 days after his daughter was born. When we first started dating, my friend speculated it was a lie but I don’t have a reason to doubt that she really is deceased.

His sister died from cancer.

OP posts:
AnotherGear · 25/02/2018 13:04

Another fellow British Asian here... I was in the same situation as you and it didn't end well. Cut your losses, it sounds like you're waiting for something that will never happen. It sounds like your dad is supportive and not pressuring you to get married, that should make it easier for you to make the decision to cut this loser off!

Mummyontherun86 · 25/02/2018 13:07

I think he is enjoying the benefits he gets from this relationship so doesn’t want to be truthful.

Honestly, I think you should leave him and look for someone else. He will just waste time/delay/avoid the topic indefinitely.

KC225 · 25/02/2018 13:07

I second the he wants you around but not as a wife. There will always be an excuse or reason to not talk about it.

He is attentive but is treating you like a mistress, expensive presents and trips away. After all these years, and considering both your ages would you not expect it to have evolved into something more everyday - living together, knowing each other's friends, attending mutual family events etc.

You are not selfish for stating what you want. He is selfish for keeping you hanging on if he has no intentions of marrying you.

Good luck OP.

bonjovigirl · 25/02/2018 13:07

Agree with pp saying he doesn’t want to progress to marriage.
I went through similar with a Pakistani guy from a matrimonial site for 4 months. Clues were there that he was messaging other girls and not committed to marriage. I’ve since found out he had kids and I think was already married back in Pak. So lucky escape.
His behaviour seems suspect and suggests he doesn’t want to pursue things.

edibleweirdo · 25/02/2018 13:08

Sounds like he's having his cake and eating it tbh - he's been married and done all that and he gets to keep you on hand, dangling in the background. Some men are going to get a kick out of that 'control'. If I didn't have big reservations about his character as a result of this, I'd be pushing for an ultimatum (not believing he would take you up on marriage), but tbh it sounds like you'd be happier with someone else so I'll recommend taking the power and decision out of his hands and throwing yourself into finding someone who worships you. Have an unmumsnetty little heart ->

Mummyontherun86 · 25/02/2018 13:08

I also worry that his wife is very much alive...but regardless you shouldn’t waste more time on this man.

Missingstreetlife · 25/02/2018 13:08

Presuming you don't think he killed his wife and sister?!?!
If you still want to marry him you should set a deadline not far away, and say if he doesn't set a date and make moves towards it with no backtracking, you're gone. Stick to it, you deserve better.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/02/2018 13:11

Give up on him. I think the culture is only relevant in that he should know marriage is important to you. Clearly isn’t to him.

Ginkypig · 25/02/2018 13:11

Exactly what wizzywig said.

He has no reason to change anything, he has fulfilled his obligations by being married before so there isn't any pressure on him now added to that is the fact he has you who has so far shown him that he can not marry you but you will stay. It's the best of both worlds for him.

CaptainCardamom · 25/02/2018 13:13

Can you talk to your dad, he sounds like he might be understanding?

You don't have to pursue marriage to this man just because he's the one who's around - he doesn't sound nice. Showering you with presents while not listening to what you want and who you are is a very bad sign. If you did marry him you could be looking at a horrible controlling relationship. And sorry but I suspect he has someone else too.

It's better to get out now and free yourself up for someone worthwhile.

flipperflop · 25/02/2018 13:18

Is his wife definitely dead? How much do you know about his background other than what he has told you? Is there any way for you to find out more about him from other sources?

Original poster
imsorrydarling · 25/02/2018 13:21

Thank you everyone.

It’s reassuring and comforting to realise I am not being unreasonable.

I guess I just required some insight from others.

I am going to give him an ultimatum but just to test his next excuse & then I will walk away.

If he had wanted to pursue me and ‘have me’ there is nothing stopping him.

I’ve stayed to him numerous times I feel he does not want marriage as he has had it before etc which he has alwahs strongly denied with false reassurances and promises.

I had told him a few months ago my dad was asking when he would come to meet him in regards to our future. I hadn’t really had this discussion with my dad, just wanted to test his reaction. Of course he had acted like it was fine but then avoided me for that weekend with some excuse.

OP posts:
Buggeritimgettingup · 25/02/2018 13:24

I wouldn't bother testing him. You're worth more than that. Just cut him lose.

Original poster
imsorrydarling · 25/02/2018 13:26

Flipper - I can only go on what he’s told me. We have no mutual friends and he has no social media. His home has no evidence of a female and his daughter would have said something by now. Unless his wife is alive and lost custody or something.

I used to want to send his details and pictures to one of those spotted pages on FB. But the ones that are generated to the Asians to see if anyone knew anything about it.

I refrained because it’s crazy.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 13:27

To be honest after all this even if he arrived at your door in an hour with a ring and a bunch of flowers I'd still tell him to piss off.

He's reduced you to an anxious mess. A marriage with him could always be like this; you walk on egg shells to make sure you don't upset him and wondering if 'everything' is ok.

It's just not a way to live.

Tell him to get stuffed.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 25/02/2018 13:29

He’s not obliged to marry you,and you cant compel him to marry you
He’s making it clear he doesn’t want to mary you,he’s spelling it out loud & clear
So if your desire is marriage you need to date a man who wants to marry you
If you chose to ignore what he’s clearly signalling you’ll waste time and emotional energy trying to convince,cajole him into marriage
No individual is compelled to,or needs to marry so don’t try convince him otherwise
Go date a man who wants to progress to marriage

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/02/2018 13:45

I think you know in your heart that for whatever reason, this man isn't committing to you. He's trying to distract you with 'bought things' but you're not that 'type' of woman, you actually want a committed relationship. Good for you that you know what you want and you're quite definite about it.

I would, I think, tell him that it's not what I want from him anymore. I wouldn't say anything more because the last thing you want is for him to sense an ultimatum and either continue stringing you along but harder - or make the commitment and there's a risk that you might always regret it because it would feel too much as if he's 'given in' rather than wanted to spend the rest of his life with you, end of.

If it were me, I would perhaps have a chat with my parents and tell them that you'd like to see what options there are on the arranged marriage 'circuit' (if that's important to you), or just wait and find somebody through your own 'due diligence'.

Best wishes to you; you sound very nice and worth far more than having a man who will mess you about.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 25/02/2018 13:51

OP, marriage is really really hard when you get into it with the wrong person. He sounds like the wrong person. He is acting like the wrong person. Perhaps he is the wrong person? He is not your happily e Ed after, but I bet for sure there is someone else out there who will be. Take you of yourself

Motoko · 25/02/2018 13:54

So, although you've been to his house, he doesn't like you going to Manchester. I suspect that's in case you bump into someone he knows, who might be very surprised that you're his "girlfriend". I'm not even sure if I believe that his wife died, but if she did, he might have another woman in Manchester.

He tries to placate you when you mention marriage, and buys you expensive gifts, to keep you interested, but he obviously has no intention of marrying you. A marriage site would be a good place to find women who will put up with his behaviour, in the belief that he will marry them. He just uses it as a dating site.

Cut your losses. He won't marry you, and I'd be concerned that even if you did manage to get him to marry, it wouldn't be a very good relationship, once he no longer has to impress you. The expensive gifts will stop for a start, and he might become abusive.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/02/2018 14:02

VladmirsPoutine
"To be honest after all this even if he arrived at your door in an hour with a ring and a bunch of flowers I'd still tell him to piss off."

"He's reduced you to an anxious mess. A marriage with him could always be like this; you walk on egg shells to make sure you don't upset him and wondering if 'everything' is ok."

^^ This!

You've wasted five years on him, it really is time to cut your losses. He's lied from the outset, we both think he's lying now - it's no way to live!

Don't bother testing him, it's just prolonging it. Walk away and don't look back. You want marriage, but you're making yourself unavailable to marry by sticking with him. Find someone else, someone worthy of you.

Maatsuyker · 25/02/2018 14:03

Please don't wait any longer for him. He wil never marry you. I'm sorry. You should find someone who does. You deserve better than this playing around.

Original poster
imsorrydarling · 25/02/2018 14:07

He hasn’t even contacted me since yesterday afternoon. I had mentioned marriage the night before they resulted in me being reduced to tears and him hanging up on me.

I was out running some errands & had a blow dry / nails appointment when he called me. Asking me ‘when is this going to stop.’ Apprantly I was being unreasonable for being upset over the argument the night before.

Anyway I told him I was out running errands and couldn’t hold such a conversation whilst trying to pay for items etc in town. He reminded me it was his nephews birthday to which I responded ‘okay’. He made a sarcastic remark about how ofcours his nephews birthday wouldn’t matter to me. And I informed him it doesn’t matter to me because it’s not like I had been included in the birthday party which was due to occur later. And that’s when he mentioned about his sisters death and my unjust behaviour.

I remember sitting down on some bench outside NewLook and asked him how its okay for him & his family to enjoy holidays & weddings & parties without his sister but for him to progress with me is unjust because she’s not around.

He didn’t like that comment, and we haven’t spoken since.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/02/2018 14:11

And there you have it OP, he didn't like that comment because it was astute and showed that you have a thinking brain that isn't going to accept his lies and distractions any further.

Don't waste anymore time with him, he is not the boss of you - or any woman. You're free to find somebody else to make your life with.

GladAllOver · 25/02/2018 14:14

He's not going to marry you. Ever.

Don't waste any more time with him. Find someone who will give you a loving home instead of expensive shoes.