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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I want marriage.

155 replies

imsorrydarling · 25/02/2018 12:23

So just a little background information to set the scene.

My partner and I are in a ‘long distance’ relationship. I reside in the midlands & he in Manchester. 1.5 hour distance.

I’ve known him for 5 years since 2014. We didn’t become ‘official’ since 2016.

We’re both Pakistani, so due to our culture/faith, we don’t live together and although our relationship isn’t a secret, it’s not publicised either.

We met on a Muslim matrimonial site. I was on there seeking a serious relationship which would lead to marriage and he was aware of this as he claimed to be seeking the same. However, I was one of many women he was speaking to at the same time and even though I could sense he wasn’t truthful, I just went along with it. My mum died a few months after we started speaking so I guess I felt like I needed him.

Anyway since 2016, everything has been great. However he won’t steer towards the topic of marriage or the next stage. The next stage would be for our families to meet. His family is slightly more traditional than mine, and to get the ball rolling, they would need to speak to my dad and come visit us etc. It’s just how the culture has worked for centuries.

Every time I mention this, we get into an argument. He brushes it off and when I persist, it escalates. This has been going on since November.

Yesterday when I mentioned it again, he said I was selfish for bringing marriage up because his sister died in July and it’ll take a very long time to get over it.

I don’t know what to do. I know I’ve mentioned culture a few times but it’s just how it is. I have friends and family who have dated men and once it’s hit the 1/2 year mark, families have become involved and marriage has happened.

I’m 28 now and sick of everyone wondering why I am unmarried.

OP posts:

hatefulgreatful · 25/02/2018 14:15

Basically if he wanted to marry you he would.
Doesn't matter what religion or culture you're from.
Please don't waste your time on him.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 25/02/2018 14:15

You deserve better OP!

Helsingborg · 25/02/2018 14:50

Dump him and move on, he just likes to have you and probably more innocent women dangling on a string. This would set alarm bells ringing for me, he's controlling all the main decisions. He doesn't care about what you want, it's all about him. It could be that his family wouldn't accept you if they're more traditional and yours aren't. He just doesn't want you to get on with your own life unless he's ready to let you go. He'll be worse if you married him.

Original poster

imsorrydarling · 25/02/2018 14:55

I’ve got the answer I wanted. Not only thanks to you guys but also him.

I called him and he said he couldn’t be bothered with me anymore and how he’s sick of me.

He raised a his voice a few times and said he’s not ready for marriage. 98% of me makes him content and happy and 2% of me is a major setback for him wanting to commit to me. He didn’t go into details about what the percentage equates to.

He then told me to leave him alone and hung up.

OP posts:

DeathStare · 25/02/2018 14:55

OP you need to end this.

You seem to be sucked into carrying on the dialogue with him, trying to prove that he's really no intent to marry you, trying to prove that you aren't unreasonable.

You just nee to walk away from all of that. He's shown you who he is. He's had 5 years to marry you - you met on a matrimonial site, it's not like your intent was unclear. He hasn't married you because he has no intention of marrying you. Ever.

He doesn't care about you or how you feel - if he did he wouldn't hang up on you when you are upset. Yet he demands that you give up everything you long for because of how he feels.

He doesn't see you as a wife. He sees you as a plaything to have fun with, spend time with, buy expensive gifts for. But not a wife.

It doesn't matter what dialogue you have with him, he's going to think you are unreasonable to leave, because in leaving you are spoiling his fun. It doesn't matter what ultimatum you give him, he's going to find a way to turn that ultimatum round to you being in the wrong, because it suits him to keep you in that position.

Stop the dialogue. Stop the ultimatums. Tell him it's over and block his number.

DeathStare · 25/02/2018 15:01

98% of me makes him content and happy and 2% of me is a major setback for him wanting to commit to me. He didn’t go into details about what the percentage equates to

This is so manipulative.

What he's trying to do here is to tell you that it's something in you. And that if you could just identify this tiny part of yourself and change it, then you will get what you want - marriage. It's a way to keep you on the hook - to keep you with him for some time longer without him having to commit.

Don't fall for it. It's not true. If there is something about you that stops him committing then he isn't going to commit no matter what you do. And if he was desperate to commit to you but had some reservations, he would have discussed these with you openly four years ago. And if not four years ago, then every time that the issue of marriage has come up since.

And I don't think it's something about you. I think it's something about him.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 25/02/2018 15:06

There’s your answer,don’t waste any more time with this man.
He can date til his heart is content
You can date a man who who wants to marry

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 15:13

I know this feeling is horrific, OP. But you will get through this.

Out of interest; do you want to get married to 'someone' regardless? Is it just marriage you are after? Because you need to reconsider things from a different perspective.

If all you want is marriage and a willing participant then it won't end well. You seem to be feeling a lot of pressure and judgement from your community. Hard as it may be, you need to let that go.

Even if it takes you 10 years to meet a man that is worthy of your love then so be it. You might actually end up totally destroyed and a paranoid mess if you chase after a man who is 'up for marriage' and that's it. It's a life long commitment that requires mutual love, trust and respect. You will find that, good thing it won't be with this tosser.

If you let them, some men will string you along for years with promises of a wonderful life. The end result of these situations is always a woman having a mental breakdown of sorts.

Shen0102 · 25/02/2018 15:18

Why do you want to marry and commit to someone who treats and speaks to you without any respect whatsoever? I doubt this guy loves you one bit..

Bringmewineandcake · 25/02/2018 15:21

imsorrydarling
Do you feel relieved? I’ve seen something on here a few times which resonates with me - when someone tells you who they are, listen.
This man is not going to commit to you. Walk away. I almost guarantee he’ll come crawling back at some point but by then hopefully you’ll be feeling free of this endless tension and happy to move on with your life.

Original poster

imsorrydarling · 25/02/2018 15:28

Vlad No, I wanted marriage from him. I’ve invested a lot of time and emotions in him. If I was solely after marriage with just anyone it could have happened. I started receiving proposals since the age of 16! But my parents aren’t traditional so I was always left to it when it came to marriage.

I’m a nice woman with a good heart, I’m educated and have a career. My mother died when I was 24 so I’ve suffered loss too. Not to sound arrogant or cocky, but I’m a fairly attractive woman but most importantly I treat people very nicely and always go out of my way.

But I fell in love with this man and had always been clear about what I wanted. The reason why it’s carried on for so long is because he always tried to convince me he wants marriage too.

Just as Death stayed above, he will always try to switch things over to me being in the wrong but I have had enough now.

My friends have always said the same as everyone in this thread. I guess I knew it all along but just didn’t want to act on it.

OP posts:

Original poster

imsorrydarling · 25/02/2018 15:29

Cake - I do feel relieved if I’m honest. Because now it has come out of his mouth. He’s finally told me what I’ve suspected all along.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/02/2018 15:39

OP, this is going to sound awful but I'm really, really happy for you. I don't think it would have been enough for everybody on the thread to tell you the same as your friends have but, you had the courage today to 'push for your answer' and you got it.

Onwards and upwards because you're not going to settle for his nonsense, or anybody else's and when you do find a man that you want to marry, he'll want to marry you too.

Best wishes to you.

Original poster

imsorrydarling · 25/02/2018 15:42

Lying - thank you. I do appreciate it.

I always received yes,maybe,soon etc etc.

I received my answer today so I know where I stand. It’s futile to run after a man who doesn’t want what I want.

Yes it’ll dawn on me in a few hours/days and I’ll be hurt but I always see the betterment in situations.

I’ll get over him.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 25/02/2018 15:47

This is horrible when you are still in love, but however painful it is, at least you can now move on with your life, knowing that it would have never happened.

You sound like a lovely person and too good for him. Hopefully soon you'll see it yourself too.

ChasedByBees · 25/02/2018 15:51

You’re better off without him OP. Onwards and upwards.

sparklepops123 · 25/02/2018 15:53

Sounds like you've had a lucky escape, yes you've wasted time on him but it might make you more choosy next time. Block his number etc

DeathStare · 25/02/2018 15:59

I received my answer today so I know where I stand

Just be careful because he may well come back to you and give you a slightly different answer.

When he realises that you mean business and his days of having you there for weekend fun are gone, he may well get back to you with an offer to get married, just not now, sometime in the future. That you are unreasonable to expect it right now because of X, Y or Z, but he really wants to and will marry you soon.

Don't fall for it. If he is serious he will set a date there and then. But even if he is serious, do you really want to marry a man whose response when you are crying and upset is to hang up the phone?

Original poster

imsorrydarling · 25/02/2018 16:05

Death - He’s already text me saying ‘Call me.’

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/02/2018 16:14

Please don't call him. He's told you everything you need to know. The fact that you've finally heard it and the result means that he has to relinquish control of you. That is the reason why he texted you.

DeathStare · 25/02/2018 16:16

Don't call him. And block his number so he can't text or call you.

Original poster

imsorrydarling · 25/02/2018 16:20

I’ve blocked his number. I didn’t respond to his text nor did I call.

What do I do about the gifts I’ve collected over the last few years? Do I keep them or return them? Ironic how he spent thousands on shoes, bags, and holidays but I didn’t ever get the one ring I wanted from him.

OP posts:

KC225 · 25/02/2018 16:21

I knew it. I knew he'd try and get you back.

Be strong 'I'm sorry' be strong. Your question to him was excellent - why is it OK for him celebrate with parties but you are not allowed to inconvenience him with questions because it's a sensitive time. Do you really want another 5 years of this? You come across as an intelligent and pragmatic woman but unfortunately that does not make us immune to knobheads and users.

Take some time out, don't let him weddle his way back with false hope and emotional blackmail. As others posters have said you deserve so much more. We are on tour side 'I'm sorry'

KC225 · 25/02/2018 16:22

Keep the goods- spoils of war.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/02/2018 16:25

They were gifts OP, they're yours.

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