Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want marriage.

155 replies

imsorrydarling · 25/02/2018 12:23

So just a little background information to set the scene.

My partner and I are in a ‘long distance’ relationship. I reside in the midlands & he in Manchester. 1.5 hour distance.

I’ve known him for 5 years since 2014. We didn’t become ‘official’ since 2016.

We’re both Pakistani, so due to our culture/faith, we don’t live together and although our relationship isn’t a secret, it’s not publicised either.

We met on a Muslim matrimonial site. I was on there seeking a serious relationship which would lead to marriage and he was aware of this as he claimed to be seeking the same. However, I was one of many women he was speaking to at the same time and even though I could sense he wasn’t truthful, I just went along with it. My mum died a few months after we started speaking so I guess I felt like I needed him.

Anyway since 2016, everything has been great. However he won’t steer towards the topic of marriage or the next stage. The next stage would be for our families to meet. His family is slightly more traditional than mine, and to get the ball rolling, they would need to speak to my dad and come visit us etc. It’s just how the culture has worked for centuries.

Every time I mention this, we get into an argument. He brushes it off and when I persist, it escalates. This has been going on since November.

Yesterday when I mentioned it again, he said I was selfish for bringing marriage up because his sister died in July and it’ll take a very long time to get over it.

I don’t know what to do. I know I’ve mentioned culture a few times but it’s just how it is. I have friends and family who have dated men and once it’s hit the 1/2 year mark, families have become involved and marriage has happened.

I’m 28 now and sick of everyone wondering why I am unmarried.

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 26/02/2018 09:42

I hope you are feeling better this morning OP. This is the first day of your new life. Enjoy it!

Motoko · 26/02/2018 12:03

He's desperate to get you back on his hook. He thought that by telling you not to contact him again, you would be devastated and beg him to give you another chance, that you'll do anything to keep him.
When his little plan didn't work, he's had to keep trying to contact you, so then he can play the "made a terrible mistake" card. How he's realised how much you mean to him and that he will marry you. But it can't happen just yet, because of xyz.
If that doesn't work, he'll get angry, and start calling you names, telling you what all your many faults are (in his eyes, obviously), that no-one else will want you, blah, blah, blah.

The gifts are yours. He has no claim on them. So either keep them, or sell them. I'd sell them, you could make a nice little sum from them. Think of it as compensation for the years you've wasted on him.

Inertia · 26/02/2018 12:55

Sounds like he’s trying to reel you back in - he enjoyed keeping you dangling, he expected you to plead with him to reconsider so that he could keep you in your place. And now you’ve freed yourself, there’s a world of opportunities open to you.

The gifts were gifts, you’re not obliged to give anything back ( and you need to continue to be no contact with him anyway). I’ d agree with PPs- keep anything you particularly like, sell anything you don’t like.

Helsingborg · 26/02/2018 13:18

Change your number, block him on all social media or take down your social media profiles for a bit. instruct all mutual friends not to give out your new contract details. This might be a good time to go travelling for a few months or look for a new job in a new city. Just disappear and enjoy your life. If you receive letters or parcels just return unopened, hopefully he'll get the message.

Bluelady · 26/02/2018 13:24

Good advice. Stay strong. Post here if you feel like relenting.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/02/2018 13:57

"He raised a his voice a few times and said he’s not ready for marriage. 98% of me makes him content and happy and 2% of me is a major setback for him wanting to commit to me. He didn’t go into details about what the percentage equates to."
Wow, what a manipulative piece of work he is! That little gem was structured to strike at your self-esteem. To make you ask what you could change to be 100% - because 2% is changeable, you won't even notice changing 2% of yourself and if it makes him happy of course you'll do it ... .

I am so, so happy to hear that you have blocked him. Please do not relent, as Bluelady said MN is always hear to listen to you when you want.

And as for his gifts - they are yours. Keep them if you like them or dispose of them if his behaviour has tainted your pleasure in them. Ebay, charity shop - whatever. But they are absolutely yours to do with as you please.

FilledSoda · 26/02/2018 13:58

Lucky escape

RandomMess · 26/02/2018 14:20

Keep him blocked and remember he isn't good enough for you Thanks

Original poster
imsorrydarling · 26/02/2018 20:13

So, I’ve been in no contact. My friends and colleagues are relieved and of course no one had anything nice to say about him.

Had two private missed calls this morning.

Received an email this afternoon.

I can't do it.. You make me happy, I thought I'm ready to move on but I can't do it.. And to be honest I don't know if il ever be ready to be move on and just be happy it feels wrong but because it's you it feels right.. I don't fucking know..
I don't want you to wait around no more I'm done making you unhappy, you deserve the world, your a beautiful human being, man your’e the best.. Just forgive me please..I can't feel content with you when I'm not content within myself.. I'm self destructive right now and you don't deserve this.. I've literally snapped both phones.. please don't write back.. I love you, look after yourself..

OP posts:
Original poster
imsorrydarling · 26/02/2018 20:14

Motoko - exactly this! This is what he’s always done after a fight!

OP posts:
Whocansay · 26/02/2018 20:29

Delete and block, OP.
He's a manipulative prick. Don't waste any more time on him. There's enough red flags for a parade.

FEJ2016 · 26/02/2018 20:31

You sound well shot of this idiot. You should never ever feel like you have to apologise for what you want from your life. I wish you all the luck in finding a better guy.
Keep the gifts. They're yours legally and morally. Surely all that time you've wasted is worth at least that.
Chin up. You've had a lucky escape!

BlessYourCottonSocks · 26/02/2018 20:49

I would be tempted to reply to the email (which specifically said, 'don't write back) with ...

'Blah, blah. More bullshit. Not interested'. And then block.

Don't let him feel smug that you are wiping away a tear and thinking of him fondly, knowing that he has nobly let you go because you are too good for him....and he loves you so much...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/02/2018 21:45

He has ZERO respect or regard for you. You blocked him and he's circumvented that by e-mailing that wallowing tripe-fest.

If he truly care for you, he'd realise that this is now your decision and he'd leave you alone.

I hope you're keeping strong OP because if you don't and you take him back, you will NEVER be able to get rid of him again as he knows this badgering works. Please don't relent, not one inch. Don't reply, just mark every e-mail as spam and give him nothing, then he will stop.

KnitFastDieWarm · 26/02/2018 21:49

Oh good lord I dated one of these back in the day - mr nasty followed by mr I-hate-myself Hmm you are well rid!
You sound like a lovely person and I’m sure out there right now is a lovely, kind, respectful British Pakistani bloke looking for a similarly traditional marriage with a lovely confident British Pakistani woman - and the good news is now you’re free to meet him! Grin

Umakemefeellikedancing · 26/02/2018 22:05

Well done OP for staying strong and true to yourself. The right man will want to marry you

Motoko · 27/02/2018 00:56

Ha, I called it! It's called The Script OP, so many men do this, that it's like they're all following the same script.
Just remember that the next part of the script is the bit where he's angry at you and lashes out.

Look after yourself.

Shen0102 · 27/02/2018 03:38

please OP do not reply to his messages or calls.. he wants a response so he can get closure... ignorance hurts more than anything.. just keep him blocked and after 2 weeks you'd even wonder what you ever saw in him. Cry it out but make sure he doesn't find out you're crying over him. Stay strong

TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 27/02/2018 04:10

I’ve had a long cry & I hope it doesn’t show in my face tomorrow morning when I go to work.

Cold tea bags on the eyes, Beyonce on the playlist, and phone on silent.

DeathStare · 27/02/2018 11:30

Send him one email just saying "do not contact me again". Then block his email. Don't fall for his crap

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/02/2018 12:50

I think that's a mistake - if OP sends an e-mail and then blocks him, what's to stop him setting up another e-mail address? And another?

If she NEVER replies to any further contact, that's a stronger message and he will stop. Any contact now would weaken OP's strong position.

beepthemeep · 27/02/2018 12:55

OP - read some of the posts on here about unavailable men and how you don't want to be his fallback girl. There's also a book ("mr unavailable and the fallback girl"!). Helped me no end when my dick ex was trying to dangle me on his hook.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-blog/

Original poster
imsorrydarling · 27/02/2018 13:55

I’m still in NC.

Received a voicemail from a withheld number.

He’s asking me to meet up on the 9th. He wants to ‘talk to me’ about our future. Lol.

If he was so bothered why wait until next week?!

OP posts:
DeathStare · 27/02/2018 13:59

I think that's a mistake - if OP sends an e-mail and then blocks him, what's to stop him setting up another e-mail address? And another?

If she NEVER replies to any further contact, that's a stronger message and he will stop. Any contact now would weaken OP's strong position

Putting it in writing now that he has not to contact her, puts her in a strong position re involving the police for harassment if he continues to try to contact her. (Not saying he will, but his behaviour has suddenly become a bit stalkery)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/02/2018 14:46

He's disrespectful in the extreme, OP. Were the boot on the other foot would you behave like this? Stalking your ex? I doubt it.

DeathStare, I agree he's stalking but that being the case if he gets ANY response from the OP, she'll be starting from Square 1 again and he will never believe her because 'it worked last time'.

OP, I think he's waiting because at the moment you're resolved. He's hoping that you'll 'calm down' and realise that you miss him. He's an arrogant arse.

If he cared about you SO much, he wouldn't have been stringing you alone. When you asked him a question that he didn't like, he cut you dead. If you marry him you will be sorrier than you are now and regretful that you'd be trapped.