Are my friend expectations too high?

[expatmatt78]

Happy to be told I ABU and hold people to too high a std
I consider myself a good friend and am often the one counselling friends through hard times or if I know they're having a hard time will make sure I check in with them at least.
Is it unfair to expect the same in return ? Perhaps it is.
In short as I've posted elsewhere I've lost (step) FIL and this is now my 2nd weekend alone with DC while DH is overseas sorting things out. Many friends have been great but this one particular who always tells me I'm her only friend I feel so let down by. Had plans with her this weekend and had to cancel as this has happened - offered to get together anyway in a diff way to planned and said I'd love the company. Didn't hear back for 5 days. Made other plans anyway. Haven't had any kind of condolence message. Maybe they don't realize I'm having a hard time as it's not direct family member but anyone with empathy would check in wouldn't they? Knowing I've been alone for a while etc? So do I let it go and lower future expectations of this person or do I tell her I feel let down?

Some people don't "get it" unless it's a relative who they themselves would grieve over.

When my nan died, I was devastated - I was closer to her than my mum - but some people at my work were singularly unimpressed with my sadness and couldn't understand why I was "still moping" a week later.

So yes, YAB a bit U to expect her to understand that you are grieving too if you haven't specifically told her that you are - or that you're having a tough time with the kids on your own - you need to put out more info if you want the sympathy back, I think.

thumb IYRTFT I followed up with exactly that so now she knows !

Ah sorry, guilty of MNing while cooking so skipped to the end without reading it all. Good work.

Update - so after my message to her last Sunday saying I wasn't doing well she finally replied Wednesday this week asking "hi how are you?" So I replied again "not great actually" etc and she again has ignored . It's good cos it has proved to myself that she isn't that kind of mate and I won't expect her to be again.
On the flip side another friend of 29 years who I hadn't talked too in a few weeks messaged me and as soon as I replied letting her know what happened she picked up the phone and called me

That's really good about the mate of 29 years, and pretty shit of the subject of this thread. Quite clearly she had her head down, waiting for you to "get over it" and pick up where you left off, being a support for her but not needing anything in return. Good riddance to her, the parasite.

How are you doing Op, has your DH come back yet, hope things are improving for you

Thank you for checking in (stranger on the internet ! Says a lot !) I appreciate it. He got back late last night thankfully . We have til Monday then I'm off myself to go to the funeral and fetch his DM back to stay with us. By end of nxt week things will be slightly more normal I hope

Hi expatmatt. I’ve just seen the thread. I’m sorry your friend has turned out to be really shit. I had a lot of this when my dad died. I was mid teens so not a good time for friends to be understanding! I’m glad someone unexpected offered you some support. I really think the step bit is irrelevant for you. If this is the only male parent your husband has - or even if it isn’t - it makes not a jot of difference, you wouldn’t have been blood related to either. And it really isn’t about blood anyway, it’s about the relationship and how you feel.

I also got very little in the way of condolence when my stepdad died. I may have only known his as an adult but he was married to my mother longer than my father was before he died. So that was all of my adult life!

People make such stupid assumptions. Someone upthread thinking it was less than losing a friend, well losing a fil can very much be the same thing or feel like losing a parent. I know when my mil died I was pretty devastated. She’d shown me more love and care in the just over a year of knowing me than all my life from my mother. So for me it was a tragedy as it was like losing the loving mother I yearned for.

Sorry for your loss mummy and thanks for getting it
In my op I wanted to be honest but saying "step FIL" is a title that doesn't do the relationship justice . Especially if I'm REALLY clear that he was never married to my MIL then he is reduced to my MIL boyfriend !
Reality is he has been part of the family since before I joined as a girlfriend of my now DH. He's been integral to my life and experience as part of that family. He's been there for my DC from their births, has taken care of them and been loved as family by them who have no idea if titles and "official" family
Talked to SIL today who said she'd been surprised by her grief as I think DH has been - he wasn't there growing up for them and has always been their DM partner but they loved him so very much as did all our DC I know on paper it could be seen as a random person but in reality is a close relative

Thanks . My mil wasn’t actually my mil either. She would have been as I’m now married to her son. She was my boyfriends mum (we were young and living together but didn’t use partner). My work was amazing about it actually. She also lived in another country. And they gave me a week off paid and I had 2 weeks off due to shut down over Christmas. So I was able to support Dh and his dad for 3 weeks.

mummy when anyone asks I've said my DH stepdad because to say his DM partner doesn't do it justice
I want to say he's my FIL but I do have an actual FIL so that's tricky
In any case I like to say he was my great friend of 17 years so as u say blood should not matter a jot x

I see, that’s tricky. You are entitled to feel how you do. Always.