@BerylStreep "Perhaps your friend is pissed off that you cancelled the plans you had together, for what appears to be fairly a tenuous reason. On the face of it, a step FIL living in another country doesn't seem to be that close a relationship to warrant cancelled plans - or was it the childcare aspect which made it necessary to cancel because your DH is away?"
Do you really think someone's death is a 'tenuous' reason?
@Chienrouge "I think that’s a bit harsh actually." I'm sorry if I came across as harsh, that is not my intention. I don; think I was speaking specifically to your situation though, I was speaking to the OP's situation.
"I’ve experience huge loss. My brother died in his early 20s. I’ve lost 3 close school friends, one at 15, one at 19 and one at 22. 2 uncles in their early 40’s. I think that’s why my initial reaction to ‘step father in law’ was a bit dismissive." It's OK for you to feel dismissive but by the same token it is OK for the OP to see this as a big deal.
Some losses do affect us more than others, of course, but we don't need to tailor our own grief because this loss is not as bad as someone else's grief, IMHO.
One of the things about losing a parent or parent-in-law or a step parent who was in a couple with the other parent is that one is left with a grieving, often elderly, parent who now one has to look out for in a way one never did before. This happened to my sister and I. The loss of our father was major, it is was unexpected and left our mum grieving massively after half a century together.
When our mum died over 11 year later, we felt a sense of sadness and relief, as she was very ill. All losses are different, but friends should be supportive. Maybe friends who have suffered no major losses really do not know how to react. That comment does not include people who have suffered losses.
"however I think to say people must not have experienced loss is harsh." Clearly I am not talking about people who have experienced loss, I am talking about people who have not.