Are my friend expectations too high?

[expatmatt78]

Happy to be told I ABU and hold people to too high a std
I consider myself a good friend and am often the one counselling friends through hard times or if I know they're having a hard time will make sure I check in with them at least.
Is it unfair to expect the same in return ? Perhaps it is.
In short as I've posted elsewhere I've lost (step) FIL and this is now my 2nd weekend alone with DC while DH is overseas sorting things out. Many friends have been great but this one particular who always tells me I'm her only friend I feel so let down by. Had plans with her this weekend and had to cancel as this has happened - offered to get together anyway in a diff way to planned and said I'd love the company. Didn't hear back for 5 days. Made other plans anyway. Haven't had any kind of condolence message. Maybe they don't realize I'm having a hard time as it's not direct family member but anyone with empathy would check in wouldn't they? Knowing I've been alone for a while etc? So do I let it go and lower future expectations of this person or do I tell her I feel let down?

Not so strange she didn’t reply but very very strange that neither of them contacted your DH and offered condolences.

It’s telling that she said you’re her only friend and even more telling that you’re clinging on to this.

Just be more unavailable and when you are avalable, be more needy and self-centred in your talks. See if she responds with support or tries to bring it back to herself.

moomin "Is it possible she struggles with this kind of stuff"
Yes undoubtedly
I've known her for 7 years we've discussed all sorts. I know she has a mother who sounds like a bit of a narc and a dad with a brain injury ! Talking about feelings isn't her natural state at all !
I guess I start to wonder - at what point do you continue to excuse people's crap ness on their past and when do u start to expect more as we're all adults know with our own individual relationship- there is no way she should ever feel uncomfortable with me tbh. But at the same time I feel I should be mindful of her feelings / personality when telling her I wish she'd talked to me a bit more

shifty totally agree. Starting to realize if it was just her and me without the work connection to our DH's it would prob have already slowly died a death a while ago!!
I don't know why I cling on I get literally nothing from her - but as two families who get together and our kids are all friends THAT is the connection. I guess we carry on like that when we can and I stop bothering with the one on one friendship

Sorry for your loss OP. Can't you nicely explain you are struggling with the loss etc then see if she bothers? Sometimes life gets in the way and sometimes relationships are one way traffic bitter experience

PS. and sometimes friendships just need downgrading to 'social acquaintance' or the such like.

meredinto "She may have had something bad going on in her life. "
I'm pretty confident she doesn't ! But if she did I'm certain I'd be messaging her for support and seeing if she wanted to meet up

granny trying to decide if I can even be arsed explaining tbh - if you have to tell a friend why you needed them it seems a waste of time
We can still hang as families and have a laugh but I'll expect less of her as a friend and when she says nxt time I'm her only friend maybe that will trigger a conversation!

I agree with you. With my friend and SIL it wasn't excusing it as such, more just realising that they're a bit rubbish with stuff like that and to not expect support in that way going forward. In contrast we had amazing support from work colleagues and friends we'd made more recently through having DC. Sometimes it takes something bad to happen for you to see who your close friends really are.

I must say I have a couple of close friends and if we know one or the other is going through a tough time, we text each other to just say 'how's it going?', 'how is baby feeling now?' etc. But I see those guys nearly every day so it is very natural to remember. With another very good friend I don't see her so often so tend not to check on the minutiae of her life so much.

moomin I agreed perhaps her being crap isn't such a shocker but maybe it means I need to let go and expect less - but to me why have friends like that ? It's a bit superficial

plucked that's kind of where I am- I'm definitely that friend - even to friends overseas who I know are having a bad time. I guess I don't have the kind of friends who reciprocate! Do I carry on being that person or sack it off as no one does that for me !

plucked and I get what u say re minutiae of every day friends I have distant friends we don't have that but if they knew what was going on I'd expect that iyswim

So sorry for your loss. I don't understand people like whatshalli if you have lost a relative or friend then majority of people will be upset. FIL is a close family member, goodness some people!

I am like you and often don't get it recipricated. I was just telling someone that yesterday. She works in the same job and worked for a day or two at our place. She was updating me yesterday when I joined a craft group that she is in.
Only person I regret not contacting to offer help was someone I knew had cancer but I was told in strict confidence and I wasn't supposed to know. I was in a dilemma and respected her privacy but sometimes wish I hadn't. Think she was having difficulty getting to appointments and when I found this out she had just finished. I could have taken her it was my day off. We only see each other about once or twice a year but have mutual children. I don't know her very well. Tricky.

I think being so close she should have responded. In her defence I think sometimes we don't know what to say and then don't say anything. This may be the case. I haven't read all the messages.
I hope she contacts you and offers support. Perhaps something is going on in her life that she can't. However in this day and age a simple text message would be something at the very least a phone call would have been better or since you were planning to be together a visit and a bottle of wine or a meal brought for you and your family. This is what I usually do as when I have lost family members I just couldn't be bothered to cook or eat but others needed feeding. I always take people a casserole so it can be heated up at anytime. She could have done that or a bag of nibbles like M&S S do. See what happens when she meets. Awkward to bring it up unless she does then you could say that you missed her and was hoping for some support in such a sad time. Personally I would be putting a little ? Next to her name in my head for the future.
It is really hard when partners work away as you are trying to hold things together. I hope you get through it ok. Give yourself some little moments of down time if you can. Bubble bath, ten minutes reading etc to help you switch off and cope with this.

Your second weekend on your own with DC? How do you think single / lone parents cope?

As another poster said upthread, it's not about you OP. I'm sorry you're feeling hard done by, but I yes, I do think you're being U. It's not about having "too high standards" it's about understanding you're not the priority here. It's up to you to decide whether or not that's OK in your friendship. We all lead such mega busy lives that it's often difficult to take on other people's problems on top of our own.

I'm a bit confused as to why people think OP wouldn't be upset at the loss of her stepfather-in-law.

I know in my family at least, which includes a few steps, that loss would be keenly felt by steps and bios alike.

So yeah, I'd expect a close friend to show more in the way of concern for the wellbeing of all involved.

@expatmatt78 "she didn't offer any condolences at all" not very kind.

"didn't even reply to me"

No you are not being unreasonable, she is rude. Just tell her, she has told you before you are her only friend yet now she is stonewalling you because you could not do something with her.

It feels like she is punishing you for not being available. Ask her if she realises that you and your dh are upset and you are coping alone with the kids.

So what if other people do that a lot, single parents do it all the time! But this is not your normal and so it may be hard.

"I work with her DH who therefore has seen me in person and how I am getting on (been a bit all over the place this week)."

I personally would not assume a husband would know to report this back, Id say any spouse at all may not but some women do seem to notice this kind of thing more than some men.

"You're right I have no reason for her to know that this is a big deal." Then tell her, tell her how you are feeling and suggest a way she can be supportive to you, if she wants to. This will let you see just how much you mean to her.

"I guess I'm being unreasonable- would it be ok to say to her that I'm kind of upset then so she knows ?" YANBU and yes it would be fine to say to her this.

"Oh and also if it counts - she is also friends with my DH (the 4 of us have spent a lot of time together and gone on vacation together etc). I suppose I just found it odd for her to to reply at all when I messaged to cancel and said why- wouldn't you at least say "oh shit sorry let's reschedule "?" That is odd and suggests she is quite wrapped up in her own world.

"... because this is an unusual occurrence if that makes sense ?" It does make sense, just ignore people who cannot see that, they just cannot see it is all.

@Whatshallidonowpeople "Step father in Law? Why do you need to be checked on? You are, I'm guessing, a grown adult, look after yourself" That's really rude and insensitive. Did you mean it come across that way? People can be upset about the death of people they are not blood related to you. Grown adults can feel upset. It's not only an emotion children can feel!

extinctspecies "So she hasn't responded to one message?" It's a pretty big message. Do you think it is less important because it is a step dad. Or less imporrant because it is a FIL? If/when my FIL dies I will be devastated.

"You need to develop a bit more resilience & make it not all about you." But this situation (friend not communicating and appearing not to care) is about the OP!

@expatmatt78

"I wouldn't necessarily tell her I'm hurt for fear of hurting her feelings. But this is someone who always tells me I'm her only friend but then never gets in touch or makes plans it's all one sided. She always says I seem to have a few friends and I say it's cos I maintain them in some way."

Just tell her how you feel, if she is the person who would have your kids if you died you need to be honest with her, IMHO. You don't need to make her really upset, just make her aware.

I am sorry for your loss. I'be lost both parents. Maybe some harsh posters have not really experienced loss or not experienced friendly support .

Perhaps your friend is pissed off that you cancelled the plans you had together, for what appears to be fairly a tenuous reason. On the face of it, a step FIL living in another country doesn't seem to be that close a relationship to warrant cancelled plans - or was it the childcare aspect which made it necessary to cancel because your DH is away?

I think it also good to have a really good think about why you counsel friends or check in with them. Is it because you expect the same in return? Do you have rescuer tendencies?

I remember being involved in a sport years ago and spent hours volunteering with coaching, maintaining equipment etc and a certain (unpleasant) interaction with someone in the club made me have a long hard think about why I was doing that. I hadn't really realised before that I was expending all this energy to try to make people like me, and actually if anything, people sometimes respect you less for always being around and too giving of your time.

I am sorry for your loss. I'be lost both parents. Maybe some harsh posters have not really experienced loss or not experienced friendly support

I think that’s a bit harsh actually. I’ve experience huge loss. My brother died in his early 20s. I’ve lost 3 close school friends, one at 15, one at 19 and one at 22. 2 uncles in their early 40’s. I think that’s why my initial reaction to ‘step father in law’ was a bit dismissive. I realise in hindsight that that is unfair, and I have no idea how close the OP was to her SFIL, however I think to say people must not have experienced loss is harsh.

twitter you're entirely missing the point

beryl "Perhaps your friend is pissed off that you cancelled the plans you had together, for what appears to be fairly a tenuous reason."
Considering we're as a family all friends with theirs and that her DH is aware of my DH continued absence I'd assume they realize the reason not to be tenuous and that it prob takes precedence over a piss up. Besides the weekend was for the whole group so my DH being absent was the reason it didn't happen. And if u read PP I tried to offer alternate plans just including me not DH to which I was ignored.
They are good enough friend that I know they wouldn't be pissed off to miss a piss up when one of the groups parents was dead ?

Is it possible that, because you do work with her DH, that in her head ‘they’ as a unit have seen and been in touch with you and therefore she doesn’t also need to do so? I’m not saying that’s ok and it does sound like she’s been a bit crap, but just trying to think of a reason she might not think she needs to be in touch. Or does she actually see you more as her DH’s friend rather than hers and so it’s down to him to be speaking to you?

Could there even have been a lost message somewhere? I know iPhone messages sometimes go astray between myself and a couple of friends or don’t turn up for a few days if I haven’t had my 4G switched on. Could it be a tech issue like that? (I know it’s probably not that but worth considering).

Sorry you’re having a tough time.

I have a friend with a strangely similar family to your description upthread. When my adored MIL died recently my friend sent a card addressed only to my dh. I was so, so upset.

I can only conclude that being brought up in a certain way just switches a part of you off ( in some people). My friend is a kind a generous woman but didn’t even think to write my name on that card. And she’s someone I see twice a week.

So YANBU but her background may well be the issue. My own recent experience of bereavement is that some people are better with dealing with it than others. So what if it was your step FIL, he was a family member and could have been your absolute favourite person.

chien I guess if I hadn't been close this post wouldn't have happened ? Maybe i should have said FIL and left out the "step" since I was just trying to be honest but he was my FIL
Regardless don't U think when someone has an unusual life event you might check in some way?