Are my friend expectations too high?

[expatmatt78]

Happy to be told I ABU and hold people to too high a std
I consider myself a good friend and am often the one counselling friends through hard times or if I know they're having a hard time will make sure I check in with them at least.
Is it unfair to expect the same in return ? Perhaps it is.
In short as I've posted elsewhere I've lost (step) FIL and this is now my 2nd weekend alone with DC while DH is overseas sorting things out. Many friends have been great but this one particular who always tells me I'm her only friend I feel so let down by. Had plans with her this weekend and had to cancel as this has happened - offered to get together anyway in a diff way to planned and said I'd love the company. Didn't hear back for 5 days. Made other plans anyway. Haven't had any kind of condolence message. Maybe they don't realize I'm having a hard time as it's not direct family member but anyone with empathy would check in wouldn't they? Knowing I've been alone for a while etc? So do I let it go and lower future expectations of this person or do I tell her I feel let down?

If it's such big deal for you, just pick up the phone & call her!

I think it was a bit off of your friend not to acknowledge your message for 5 days, especially if you’d suggested alternative arrangements. To answer your original question I’d say let it go and slightly lower your expectations of her in the future. Also (if this is your thinking) I don’t think it follows that if you’re someone’s ‘only friend’ you can expect more from them. Sometimes the opposite is true and may be part of the reason they don’t have many friends. Hope you are ok.

I'd find it upsetting to get no reply. It doesn't mater WHY you are struggling. You are and need a friend. Contact her again?

mixture haven't seen her in person for ages. But I don't shy away from that sort of thing - kind of why I'm asking / when I do see her is it unfair to say I was upset ?

extinct I sent original message to cancel and a follow up to say pls let me know re weekend and that I'm fine what they decide but I'd like to know so I can plan weekend. She replied to 2nd eventually

If you feel it's ok to be upset, it is ok. Why not contact her again? Be explicit about how you feel about it (even if that would make her feel bad) you will not be able to be friends unless you sort it out, by the sound of it all.

francis pretty sure they didn't - even the DH who works with my DH.
Listen I'm the kind of friend who knows (as work with her DH) that he's planned nothing on her bday and she hasn't a close relationship with family so assumed she'd not feel special on her bday - I sent her flowers and then babysat her kids so they could go out. We have each other as emergency guardians in our wills ffs this isn't a distant acquaintance

This thread is odd. I get on well with my PIL, and would be upset if they died. I would expect my friends to realise that. While I agree that any adult without disabilities should be able to cope alone, it is not the same when it is unexpected. For a partner to have to leave for two weeks at short notice, when that is not the norm, is likely to cause difficulties, so again, I would expect friends to at least be aware of that and check in. I think your friend is being a bit crap OP.

mixture it's in my nature to be upfront about it but she's a sensitive soul and I think it would make her paranoid instead of her just saying fair enough.
So yes is tempting to accept that it's not what I thought it was and not to accept the same as I've given (kind of my original point) and adjust accordingly

dontknow sorry if it's odd! I get what you're saying about PIL but this is also a friend of DH and this is his actual parents! Even a condolence message would be appreciated. She is a bit crap and has always been so I don't know why I'm upset or why I'm posting tbh - prob cos I'm alone and bored ha ha

Thanks francis I know IABU to expect people to know without me being explicit I just think that as a friend I would at least check in

Sorry dont reread your message and appreciate the input

OP I think very different some harsh responses tbh.And I understand where you're coming from,even if your friend pinged a quick message as you say to reschedule and say sorry to hear about things.And actually people can be very fond of step parents too,they are not necessarily a remote relation.Recently experienced something similar,having given a friend support following an accident -even when I've been busy I've sent a quick text to see if she needs help,or how her rehabilitation was going. Currently my DH is going through a tough time physically and it's quite hurtful how dismissive she's been when I've told her,and along with other things in the past I've realised she's self absorbed and not a very good friend..She's a friend of his too and he's not had one single message.Maybe my expectations are too high?I don't think so.I'd give her an actual call and ask if she's time for a chat.TBH texting is great up to a point,but sometimes a phone call is better.

snuggle I think that's exactly it - I don't think anyone is too busy to send a 3 word reply to someone? Especially when discussing up coming plans. I just feel hurt

francis you're right and is a reason I wouldn't necessarily tell her I'm hurt for fear of hurting her feelings. But this is someone who always tells me I'm her only friend but then never gets in touch or makes plans it's all one sided. She always says I seem to have a few friends and I say it's cos I maintain them in some way.

She may have had something bad going on in her life. Nature doesn't ration these things out so that there's only one bad thing happening at a time.

I’d be annoyed if I was you , friends should be there for good and bad times . Your friend only seems to be there for her bad times . It’s a one sided friendship I’m afraid , time to lower your expectations as far as she’s concerned and not be so available next time she’s got problems she wants to talk about. X

I’d have expected her to at least text you back. My dad died this week and my own brother in law is devastated, so much so that his 2 best friends (who only met my dad at his wedding) will be at the funeral to support him. Its not a case of it not mattering to you just because your step father in law isn’t immediate family. I’d be beside myself if/when oh’s step mum passed. Hope your okay xx

I don't think your expectations are too high at all. She should have offered her condolences and as a close friend should have followed up to see how you all are. Is it possible she struggles with this kind of stuff and avoids the subject? My MIL died last year and I had a pregnancy loss at the same time. One of my good friends got in touch to cancel meeting up and didn't say a word about my MIL even though she knew about it. My SIL (not MIL's DD) also barely acknowledged what was going on at the time. She just finds it hard to talk about stuff like that but it can come across as insensitive. As for whether you should say anything I think that depends really on how close you are.

I don't get these responses either. I'll be upset when my FIL dies. My stepdad is the closest grandparent to my daughter. My DH will be upset when his 'Step FIL' dies.

I would expect a close friend to reply to a text.

When it was hit and miss with FIL and his cancer and DH may had to have gone to stay with him a school mum friend who I am not particularly close to offered to help with the school run. I guess some people are just nicer than others.