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Original poster

To not announce the sex of baby...

121 replies

spongebobsquareface · 24/02/2018 19:07

I just want to keep it between ourselves, last time we told relatives what we were having and I regretted it afterwards because I was enjoying it just being mine and DH's little secret! It can be wrong anyway, so I'm not sure what all the fuss is about?!

SIL and "D"Sis are due a couple of weeks before and have both announced theirs. SIL is fine and just happy our babies are close. My sister not so much and has kicked off because apparently she told me so I should tell her Hmm this was never agreed prior to her telling me so I'm not sure why her knickers are in such a twist. She's mentioned several times that the names can't be the same or even slightly similar, so I'm assuming she's worried they'll be the same sex. She is a spoiled brat, always has been and behaves like a 2 year old at the best of times, hence why we aren't close. This has resulted in my mum giving me the cold shoulder, which isn't a shock at all to be honest but still upsets me nonetheless.

Am I really being that unreasonable? Apparently it's causing her stress so they can't understand why I wouldn't! We're not planning any more babies and I just really wanted to keep it quiet this time.

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 24/02/2018 20:41

Do what I do when my overinvolved martyr of a DM starts this crap with me.

Tell them sincerely that you discussed it at length with your therapist, and for a variety of reasons to do with stress, she/he supported your decision not to tell the gender.

Makes it sound like you took their needs/pain seriously, and leaves them no one to argue with. They also might feel quite uncomfortable about their childish behaviour being discussed, and stop doing it.

I did this for years before I had an actual therapist. It can be another little secret for you!

selftitledalbum · 24/02/2018 20:43

It’s just so... attention seeking

Lweji · 24/02/2018 20:52

You are contradicting yourself. Either you don't want to tell them because of all the fuss they made, or you are enjoying your little secret with your OH.
If the first, then you're reasonable. But you posted the second, and it makes you unreasonable.

I doubt they'll make the same fuss, as two other women in the family are having babies at the same time and it's your second.
So, you clearly refusing to tell (and lies are often very obvious) just seems attention seeking.

Lweji · 24/02/2018 20:52

your decision not to tell the gender.

Or the sex, even. Wink

McDougalMcPhee · 24/02/2018 20:54

its very attention seeking, so much more than 'we haven't found out' or girl / boy

TatianaLarina · 24/02/2018 20:55

People recommending OP lies - a) it’s incredibly immature to lie and b) it’s pointless lying to family as they know you so well they’ll know it’s bollocks. All she will do is compound the existing problem.

OP - if you were trying to create a massive attention seeking look-at-me drama you’ve certainly succeeded.

selftitledalbum · 24/02/2018 20:55

Your baby really isn’t that interesting to other people.

Lashalicious · 24/02/2018 21:01

Why did you tell your nearest and most closely related family members that (1) you found out the sex of baby and (2) you are not telling them?

What was your goal in telling them that you were going to keep it from them? Why bring it up at all? When/if asked, simply say you don’t know. If they persist, say I don’t know the sex. I won’t know the sex until I have the baby. Then they’ll have to stop having a “go” at you.

Right now, say that you don’t know. Say you decided not to find out after all. What is the big deal about them knowing the sex anyway?? You sound melodramatic making a big deal out of nothing. They are probably wondering why you told them in the first place that you were going to find out the sex but must keep it from them because....why? You didn’t really explain what the big deal is. Go no contact if you hate your sister so much that when she asked the sex of your baby you went berserk.

One thing though, think twice before telling the names you are considering. Is this why you don’t want to tell them the sex?? When I was pregnant, two of my work colleagues were pregnant too and we talked about names. I did not bring up the subject, they did. I freely told them after being asked, the names I was considering, not even entertaining the idea they would “steal” the names. Then they refused to tell me the names they were considering. Okay. One of them really looked like an ass, melodramatic, asking me but then not saying hers because she said she didn’t want them taken. As if I would do that, or the other colleague. Well, lo and behold, BOTH of them used one and then the other of the two names I had told them. They didn’t trust me out of fear of having their names taken then they do that very thing. Let me just say that kind of ticked me off lol. Oh well, I am still friends with them.

Your sister is probably irked that you think you must withhold the sex from her for some reason having to do with her. I can’t really blame her. Why be that way?

mistermagpie · 24/02/2018 21:08

People are so weird about this stuff. I have two children and didn't find out the sex either time. With DS2 loads of people were convinced we knew and were keeping it secret for some reason. Why would we do that? What would be the point?

Similarly DHs cousin found out but didn't tell anyone. She made a big fuss about it being 'their little secret' when actually nobody was that interested.

If you find out, tell people when they ask. No need to do a big embarrassing 'reveal' or anything, just tell them. If you want to keep it a surprise then don't find out,

LilliesAndRosess · 24/02/2018 21:34

I don't understand posts like this. You obviously know you aren't being unreasonable.

McDougalMcPhee · 24/02/2018 22:54

You obviously know you aren't being unreasonable.

well some of us disagree, but the op 'thinks they ANBU'

holasoydora · 24/02/2018 23:58

hygge that happened to me too. The sonographer either couldn't bear not knowing or wanted us to change our minds and beg her to tell us what we had just seen.

Being me I started to doubt what I had seen from the day after so it actually was still a nice surprise, but now I know what we saw was what we saw and what the sonographer did was so blatant!

pandarific · 25/02/2018 00:19

God op's getting a lot of cunty replies!

Some people have arsehole families who manipulate, guilt and try and take over - as op has said hers do. The way to manage these people is give them as little information as possible. It's their choice, her family should leave them be and stop being such drama llamas.

WorraLiberty · 25/02/2018 00:29

This has resulted in my mum giving me the cold shoulder, which isn't a shock at all to be honest but still upsets me nonetheless.

I can only go by the tone of your post OP but I suspect your poor mum is probably holding her head in her hands, and dreading the forthcoming rivalry between you and your sister, regarding your babies and their developmental stages etc.

You all need to just chill out, enjoy your pregnancies and hopefully support each other through parenthood.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 25/02/2018 00:31

Lol to the defensive posters saying "we know but it's No one else business" "I'm not going to lie to spare feeling" "we decided it was nothing to do with anyone else and told them that"

Bloody hell Grin

People are taking a genuine interest in your unborn child and want to share some good news with you. No need to rudely tell people it's none of their business for asking a question most people would be happy to share the answer to. What's rattled your cages?? It's comments like that that unfortunately make the people who don't want to share (and are nice about it) appear precious and smug. Hmm

OP fair enough and congratulations! I'm with the whole find out but tell others you didn't want to find the gender out. Will save a lot of hurt and hassle in the long run :)

BuggersMuddle · 25/02/2018 00:37

You've created drama - even if unwittingly. It's a bit like Vaguebooking: totally harmless if a random does it (although you might privately think 'Drama Llama'), but can seem a little hurtful if you are in the inner circle, but not in on the details.

I've learned this from experience BTW, so no judgement. I have found that with certain friends and family members it's all or nothing, so if I either can't or won't tell the full story I say nothing. This has ended up with the odd situation where old friends who respect boundaries know more than either family or people I see hugely regularly that don't.

Personally if you are going to obfuscate, I'd fudge it. 'It wasn't conclusive / the best view so although we have an idea it's far from definitive, so we don't want to make any announcement'.

SpringHen · 25/02/2018 00:48

Yeah you are a total vaguebooker!

I didnt wanna tell so I said that WE hadnt found out

"We know but we're not telling" makes you sound like an attention seeking twat! NONE of this drama would be going on if you hadnt told people that you DO know

SpringHen · 25/02/2018 00:55
catkind · 25/02/2018 01:04

Technically saying you don't know wouldn't be lying. They can never be 100% sure at the scans about the sex so technically you won't know for a fact until baby is born!

This. You can just say "oh they weren't sure" and you'll be 100% telling the truth.

I actually didn't want to tell people for this reason. I'm not sure I entirely believed there was a baby in there let alone that someone could tell it was a particular sex from a few bits of white fuzz on a screen. You know how you have to look at your exam results in person before you're confident enough you haven't mis-heard and can tell people? Or is that just me?

I'm about as far as you can get from attention seeking or wanting drama, for us it was just a private thing until baby was born.

catkind · 25/02/2018 01:07

We were the same about names come to that. We pretty much knew and didn't pretend otherwise but didn't say till they were born in case we changed our minds. That's pretty normal with names isn't it?

SparkleFizz · 25/02/2018 01:19

This. You can just say "oh they weren't sure" and you'll be 100% telling the truth.
I actually didn't want to tell people for this reason.

Same here. Even with DS2 - his 20 week scan, the first thing we all saw when the sonographer started the scan was a full frontal view of his genitals. Couldn’t have been clearer. The sonographer said something along the lines of “we’re not allowed to say we’re 100% sure, but I’m as sure as I can be that he’s a boy”

And I was still “oh, they can’t be 100% sure, so baby might be either” when people asked. Just in case he emerged as a girl and made us all look silly for saying we were having a boy.

UtterlyRainbowed · 25/02/2018 02:25

People get weird about it with names as well. With DC1 I said we'd narrowed it down to a few choices but hadn't decided. DC2 I genuinely had no idea what to call them.

People insisted I was lying and got annoyed I wouldn't tell them the name. They also thought they had a right to tell me what I could and couldn't name my baby based on their preferences.

Being pregnant does turn you into communal property it's baffling

Champagneandthestars · 25/02/2018 07:37

With Kc225 nothing is more self obsessed and superior than finding out the sex of the baby, telling people you've found out and then not telling - I don't get it!

Swearwolf · 25/02/2018 08:01

Thing is, if you now tell them you didn't find out they will think you're lying.

Can you not discuss girl and boy names with your sister? Or if she knows what she's having, just that sex? Just share some off your long list.

One thing that struck me was that you are expecting the same level of over-involvement as last time, but this might not be the case. It's not only your second, but there is a sister on both sides (or two on your side if it's your brother's wife?) due at a similar time. That will dilute a lot of the attention won't it? I would think you won't get the same amount of meddling this time.

MrsHarveySpecterV · 25/02/2018 08:01

YANBU we have found out the sex this time but not told anyone but we've told everyone we didn't find out.

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