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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel resentful of dh trip away

122 replies

Introvertpants · 23/02/2018 17:55

Dh and his friends decided a few months ago they were going to book three days away abroad.
I wasn't happy about this because we have just moved house and had and still have a lot of work to fork out for.
I made my feelings clear to dh even if I was bu I couldn't hide my feelings.
I am also annoyed because if at the time I had suggeted we go away together he would have said let's do it in future when finances are better. Which would have been reasonable.
Anyway because I moaned dh family gave him the money for the hotel as a gift so off he goes.
I will admit I'm jealous. We very rarely get to go away together or as a family and it feels like without any strings he just gets to do what he likes. Meanwhile I am here having to cook and clean as usual. Nothing changes for me. I'm bored.
All over Facebook dh had been posting pics of the trip and texting to say what he's up to. He's been drinking all day and no doubt will be drinking all night for the next few days.
I guess i am u but I'm jealous, resentful and I am trying to hide my feelings about it but he knows I'm pissed.
He's not done anything wrong. I just can't believe how easy it is for him and how hard it is for me.
If I were to book a trip away for three nights it would eat up the family money and I wouldn't do that because I have the house and us to prioritise.
I'm just feeling a bit sad and like I'm missing out on freedom. Someone kick me up the arse.

OP posts:
musicislife · 23/02/2018 22:36

Gemini69
I get that about the pil helping with the costs, mine did too , helped home to go cos we were short, not a thought for me , I do feel like they still see him as a single man sometimes 🤨😡

roboticmom · 23/02/2018 22:44

My husband and I decided that holidays are for family while the kids are young (and actually want to spend time with us). So I understand where you are coming from- don’t worry about putting family first, it’s normal for loads of people. A little time away can make the other person appreciate home more, though. My husband travels for work to a fantastic destination once a year which drives me nuts with jealousy, but he is lovely when he comes back and has missed us so much.

user1495443009 · 23/02/2018 22:56

Stop feeling jealous and do things for yourself that make you happy: going out with friends, family, a small trip that's not too expensive

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 23/02/2018 23:13

Is there something you would like to do? A weekend painting/cookery/yoga/traction engine building course?
You don’t have to go with a group of friends.

In the meantime one thing that works for me is allocating myself a fun budget. I could easily become overly focused on future financial goals to the exclusion of living a bit in the present (I have in the past). Giving myself permission to spend a bit of money more frivolously helped redress the balance.
Additionally, go out and leave him with DD without triple checking if it suits him etc. You have a right to take time and space for yourself too.

LeighaJ · 23/02/2018 23:37

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable.

I can't imagine if in the same situation my husband would ever be so selfish as to take that gift from his family and not use it instead on a shared getaway for us. With kids left with whatever competent enough relative will have them for the weekend. 🙄

Although I can't imagine my in-laws ever gifting funds for a trip for him without me if we hadn't been able to afford a getaway for years...yeah...no way they'd do that.

Oblomov18 · 24/02/2018 08:47

Lola and Yoda, please stop having a go a Kubex. Kubex took the time to post 2 long posts. With very sensible practical advice, (which I totally agreed with) re helping OP to change her mindset.

Trying to change your mindset, in this case from being slightly matyr'ish, is nearly ALWAYS good advice. All it is, is advising any OP to look at things s different way, from a different perspective.

And I think that is always helpful.

So please stop giving Kubex such s hard time. I too agreed with her.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 24/02/2018 09:22

Totally agree Kubex your posts are spot on.

lanbro · 24/02/2018 09:31

Stbxh went on a week long stag do to Thailand, taking the manager of our business with him, leaving me to run the business and sort a 3 and 4 yr old for 8 days...we could afford it but the lack of consideration for me was one of the things that added to us separating

BroomHandledMouser · 24/02/2018 09:33

I get where you’re coming from OP.

A few years ago DH went away for a stag do in Spain. It was pretty much a week. I was ok with it but as the week went on I started to struggle because the twat lost his phone and I couldn’t get hold of him.

Meanwhile I was working, sorting the kids out who were 4 and 6 at the time. Mum and the in-laws lived in France so I was totally on my own.

I know this sounds petty, but I made damn sure that when he came back I booked a weekend away with my mates. I don’t think he realised just how difficult it was until he was in that situation. I was so so cross with him for losing his phone and making me have that extra worry of not knowing where or how he was.

It’s normal to feel resentful xx

Mrstumbletap · 24/02/2018 10:01

I also agree with Kubex.

When you are in a relationship you don’t have to do everything together. You are still an individual, still have your own hobbies, your own friends, and are entitled to enjoy those things as long as you still give quality time to your family.

Making someone feel guilty for enjoying some time of their choice is very controlling and these ‘stern talks’ or emotional blackmail I’m reading from these posts, I find very controlling. I would feel so suffocated if I did everything with my DH.

It comes down to the money OP. Could you save up for a trip away somewhere? An overnight stay in London, or Spain, France etc etc anywhere doing anything that takes your fancy, either on your own or with a friend? What are your hobbies? What do you love?

You are more than just a mum and a partner. What makes you happy outside of those things? Spend some time finding what that is and seeking to spend time doing it and you may find you are less resentful.

Mrstumbletap · 24/02/2018 10:05

I also have two friends that have DH’s that give them grief if we book a night away, once or twice a year, they lay on the emotional blackmail, make them feel awful for them to enjoy spending time with their friends.

Those DH don’t have social lives of their own and try to control them. It doesn’t work, it just makes them miserable for the weeks leading up to the trip.

Oblomov18 · 24/02/2018 10:06

"It’s normal to feel resentful "

No. I couldn't disagree more. Strongly!!

I go away with my friends. I plan. I arrange. Dh copes perfectly well.

I probably go away more than Dh does!!

He goes away rarely. We make a couple of minor adjustments, change a couple of things. I cope fine.

Zero resentment. And I find it offensive that pp are implying that to feel resentment is normal.

It certainly isn't to me!

harshbuttrue1980 · 24/02/2018 10:08

I don't understand what the issue is. You said earlier that you didn't like being without your husband overnight. Are you unwell? If not, then I think its an unfair burden to put on him to be with every single night of your lives. It sounds like you are bitter that he has friends and you don't. Why don't you join meetup and make some friends? They have a lot of meetups which are totally free - walks, book groups, museums etc. If you had some people who you liked to spend time with, then you could have some me-time too and wouldn't feel so resentful when he needs some me-time.
Your DH hasn't done anything wrong - you said yourself that he wouldn't mind if you took some time to yourself too, so he isn't being unfair.

scaryteacher · 24/02/2018 10:27

I do understand OP, but have learned over 30 years to let it go. As a PP said, some people do arrange their lives to their entire satisfaction and damn everyone else. I might now have an extensive collection of cashmere

BroomHandledMouser · 24/02/2018 10:35

oblomov congrats!! Pleased it’s working so well for you.

But some people ARE resentful. It’s how some people feel so I’m afraid there isn’t a right or wrong

Oblomov18 · 24/02/2018 10:57

Don't worry Broom, I feel resentful about other things!! Grin

But seriously, resentment is a negative emotion. It's not very nice. And it kind of eats away at you. Surely it's better to address it Head on? Question what core issue is really feeding that resentment. And then address that. Or at least acceptance.

Damnthatonestaken · 24/02/2018 11:07

Yanbu! Cant believe others dont think hes being selfish

Original poster
Introvertpants · 24/02/2018 16:42

Update I have got my gladrags on and I'm going out for the night with the work girls. I feel so much better for it.
It's made me realise that loneliness is a big issue. Without him I don't have really anyone I can call round or do things with.

I'm jealous that he can go and do things he likes with other people while I'm stuck at home doing nothing. It's been a light bulb moment.
I need to get out more and enjoy myself. I need to meet people and have a laugh again.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 24/02/2018 17:09

Op. Have fun and I think you're right. It's not about him or denying him a social life it's about you getting one. Go enjoy yourself. Hopefully it's the first of many. We can be wives and mothers and still have social lives, especially when in a situation like you, where your husband will gladly take care of your kid and you can afford it.

Enjoy.

Mrstumbletap · 25/02/2018 19:01

Excellent OP. Hope you had a good night.

I also hope you are already planning the next slot of time to yourself. It's very important for self esteem to be able to do something that benefits you outside of your relationship. You then, are in turn, happier within your relationship.

I read that for good mental health you should always have two things to look forward to, so as soon as the first one is done you already have another one waiting.

ihatetosay · 25/02/2018 19:11

he is a selfish git - it would be different if you had been away with him as well or had holidays booked but he just goes off and leaves you - i would be so pissed off and book a break for a week away without him

ihatetosay · 25/02/2018 19:11

do the sun still do those cheap holidays about £50 may be worth looking out for

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