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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel resentful of dh trip away

122 replies

Introvertpants · 23/02/2018 17:55

Dh and his friends decided a few months ago they were going to book three days away abroad.
I wasn't happy about this because we have just moved house and had and still have a lot of work to fork out for.
I made my feelings clear to dh even if I was bu I couldn't hide my feelings.
I am also annoyed because if at the time I had suggeted we go away together he would have said let's do it in future when finances are better. Which would have been reasonable.
Anyway because I moaned dh family gave him the money for the hotel as a gift so off he goes.
I will admit I'm jealous. We very rarely get to go away together or as a family and it feels like without any strings he just gets to do what he likes. Meanwhile I am here having to cook and clean as usual. Nothing changes for me. I'm bored.
All over Facebook dh had been posting pics of the trip and texting to say what he's up to. He's been drinking all day and no doubt will be drinking all night for the next few days.
I guess i am u but I'm jealous, resentful and I am trying to hide my feelings about it but he knows I'm pissed.
He's not done anything wrong. I just can't believe how easy it is for him and how hard it is for me.
If I were to book a trip away for three nights it would eat up the family money and I wouldn't do that because I have the house and us to prioritise.
I'm just feeling a bit sad and like I'm missing out on freedom. Someone kick me up the arse.

OP posts:
missyB1 · 23/02/2018 19:46

Well he’s gone away without worrying about childcare, so you need to do the same! The housework/ school run would all be his problem whilst you were away.

Tell him you would like the money to do it for your birthday.

corythatwas · 23/02/2018 19:50

All the people who are saying "why is the OP resentful, why doesn't she just plan something away": she has told us repeatedly that there is no money for her to go away so she won't be able to.

Do people not understand the concept no money?

This is the only money that has come into the house in recent times that could be spent on a break, her dh could have chosen to share it with her and he has chosen not to. I think that would make me sad too.

Now sits back and waits for 20 posts telling the OP to book herself into a spa.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 19:50

No you’re not stupid,not in least.dont be so down on yourself.dont berate yourself
Ok,so do you have mates you can see.folk who are nice to you?
Would joining a book club,or a class help you meet folk,feel more confident

Jammycustard · 23/02/2018 19:50

I think if money is so tight he’s had to borrow from his parents so he can go on a jolly, it’s a real shame he didn’t think about you in this.

Jammycustard · 23/02/2018 19:51

As in, why doesn’t he want to have a break with you when you haven’t had one for ages, and no chance to get one.

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 23/02/2018 19:52

Quite honestly if my son asked for the money to go on a jolly with his mates when he and his wife hadn't been away for a long time, I'd have a sharp word with him and wouldn't give him a penny.

^^yep

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 19:53

Bookshops often do free book groups, and local walk in park group etc?
Any local meet ups netmums,they’re good for local stuff

Onedaynamechange · 23/02/2018 19:57

Why are so many saying “his parents have paid”? OP said they paid for the hotel, which would be a fraction of the cost of a whole weekend eating/drinking all day plus flights. YANBU for feeling resentful. Have you got any friends you could plan go and stay with for a weekend of R&R while he takes care of things at home? That need not cost much and it would give you something to look forward to.

BrazzleDazzleDay · 23/02/2018 19:57

introvert I totally get this. My dh has been away a several weekends over the last year or so midlife crisis, while I enjoy the peace from him, I've not been able to so much as have a piss in peace for years. Everytime I see a gig I'm dying to go to, would ya believe it, we're too skint for me to go. I mean I can have a few hours/a day session with friends but not go to a gig in the city I fucking miss like hell.

I feel better after that!!

Garmadonsmum · 23/02/2018 20:09

Yeah who is paying for all the drinks?
Does he say to you "you should have a weekend away soon" or does it not even occur to him? If not then you need not wait for him but stake your own claim. Have you a friend whose house you could stay at for a night. Could you stay at your mums. One of those £35 Premier Inn rooms for a night (I have done this).
Carve some reciprocal time or it will never get better.

ZenNudist · 23/02/2018 20:09

What is actually stopping you from planning your own trip or fun event? Your dh can look after your dd and call in on your dm. There is enough money for your dh to have a social life and hes funded his own spends for the break he is on now. You work but presumably you get holiday. If you dont get hokiday have a weekend break. It doesnt need to be expensive. Look out for offers. Can family or friends babysit so you and dh can both go? Trade favours with a school friends parents. You have their dd one weekend, then they have yours.

Stop with the martrydom. You need to make plans rather than find excuses not to go.

Make sure you and dh have equal social time and personal spending money from now on.

Dont let on this trip bothered you. Tell him nicely that its been a wake up call for you how miserable life has become and how you need time out too. Be supportive of him having some fun. Its good he is keeping in touch. Lots of people wouldnt. When i go away i often dont have time to phone home. Its nice he thinks of you.

Say that its great his parents have funded his treat trip away but it would be nice if the next time he took you instead.

Original poster
Introvertpants · 23/02/2018 20:09

Jammycustard yes I think that's the main reason.
His parents go out all the time and to be honest they rarely do anything together. It's always doing things alone or with friends so they wouldn't sympathise.
I think I'm very family orientated and put family before everything else and everything else on the back burner which probably isn't healthy.

OP posts:
Garmadonsmum · 23/02/2018 20:09

Brazzle how on earth does he justify spending money on himself but not on you??

RadioGaGoo · 23/02/2018 20:10

'as an adult.....'

Well, what else are you then?

NotAgainYoda · 23/02/2018 20:10

You aren't unreasonable. You feel resentful because you are the default carer. He does not have to worry about any of the logistics (or the finances) because you are there to facilitate him doing what he wants.

lolaflores · 23/02/2018 20:12

I suggested to my DH a couple of weeks ago that a trip at Easter might be nice...had me head taken offa me.
the other night he announces he is off for a boys weekend in two weeks time.
Now, I know there are folk on here who would not understand the reaction I had to this because of diffefent approaches to how things are done in relationships.
But, there are people (men and womeh) who have a selfish streak the size of the fucking atlantic. It isn't malicious, it just does not occur to them that what they have done, are doing, is just plain selfish. The other party is then made to feel like they are pissing on the other persons chips because they are jealous or needy or some such. But, it is unfair for subtle reasons which are hard to weed out without sounding like a big sulky old cow.
I know, because thats whats going on here right now. By the way. My DH travels. A lot. So he is away quite a bit each month but he can squeeze this in...OH Christ give me strength

NotAgainYoda · 23/02/2018 20:12

As for solutions, I agree with Zen. Get out of the mindset that you need to ask permission

Dozer · 23/02/2018 20:12

Yanbu.

The financial gift from his family was inconsiderate towards you and could have been shared by DH, and it only covers part of the costs - no doubt flights, booze and food will have cost hundreds.

mommybunny · 23/02/2018 20:13

Quite honestly if my son asked for the money to go on a jolly with his mates when he and his wife hadn't been away for a long time, I'd have a sharp word with him and wouldn't give him a penny that wasn't going to be spent on a jolly that both spouses could enjoy together.

There, fixed it for you. Grin

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 20:14

Being family orientated doesn’t mean you do nothing else,and subsume self to domesticity
You need to get dp to share tasks.loose the mummy mantle.its not all down to you
The GP are neither here nor there,they’re not obliged to step up.nice of they do tho

NotAgainYoda · 23/02/2018 20:14

Does he cook and clean, by the way?

kubex · 23/02/2018 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Dozer · 23/02/2018 20:19

OP doesn’t have a spare £500 to spend on herself.

TempusEejit · 23/02/2018 20:21

kubex you going to give OP the money then?

Frouby · 23/02/2018 20:22

I get what you are saying OP.

Best thing to do is book next weekend off. Go to your folks, a mates, book a cheap hotel or whatever floats your boat. Do whatever you fancy. A mooch around the shops, an afternoon gossiping after a lie in, a mooch around a museum or park.

It's not the money. It's the attitude of 'well dw is at home so she will do the childcare. Take the same attitude. Have a break. Leave him to it with clear instructions that the house is to be in the same state when you walk back in as what it was in when he walked in.