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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

am i being a spoilt brat?

109 replies

Ravenclawmom · 23/02/2018 09:39

ok here goes, please be gentle with me mumsnetters!

I'm not a materialistic person in the slightest, never have been but it was my birthday yesterday. DP got me some gifts, all lovely no complaints there, but then I had to spend the day alone until evening time when my family came round with gifts and cards. I have been with DP a long time and i know he's not romantic in the slightest, but i am super romantic. for his birthday i arrange trips which he loves, buy personalised gifts, i plan weeks (sometimes months) in advance, i budget tighter so i have a decent amount to spend on him, i shower him with surprises throughout the day and every year i try to outdo myself to make him feel special.
last year i bought myself birthday cards from my own children because he had "forgotten" them until the morning of my birthday, he wasn't ashamed of this and looked relived when i told him i had got them and he wasn't to worry. this year he got me cards and gifts, from both him and the children, which is better than previous years but i feel very unspecial.
am i fighting a losing battle? should i just give up all hope of every feeling important?
with everyone else i feel i am always going the extra mile to make them feel special and appreciated, even when its not their birthday, and usually I'm ok with fading into the background but come on, it was my birthday, shouldn't i atleast feel a teeny bit of something?

tell me if I'm being unreasonable?

OP posts:

TheInstantGratificationMonkey · 23/02/2018 11:00

AnnieAnoniMouse I think people (like myself) are seeing him as a decent bloke as they are seeing it through the lens of their own perceptions (obviously). My DH isn't very talkative, or demonstrative with affection etc. BUT he is a lovely, genuine guy, with lots of integrity, who I know adores us, and works very hard for us - he's just a very stereotypical 'bloke'. Doesn't do big heartfelt conversations and not good at showing his emotions...

Plus, the OP's DH did get her some lovely presents this birthday - it's in the third sentence of her post. So I don't think he can be entirely selfish and horrible, can he?

Jaygee61 · 23/02/2018 11:09

OP it sounds like you have a decent partner. You should value him, it’s how he treats you day to day that matters, not how romantic he is on your birthday.

Deedee248 · 23/02/2018 11:15

It all comes down to communication, I'm slowly making progress in this area. I have realised that he is never going to be the romantic gesture type, I have to tell him what I want and ask him what he wants. My last birthday I was feeling exactly like you. I sat him down and said "Please could you arrange something for the day of my birthday, I've done it myself for years and for once I would really like to be surprised, I'm quite easygoing with what I do but I'd like to spend it with you and do something out of the house". He took this on board and arranged 3 different celebrations - a day with him, a meal with friends and a weekend away with our couple friends. He really came through for me

I have to say I totally agree with you, Ravenclaw, and I think YANBU. We have been married nearly 30 years now, and we still both regard birthdays and anniversaries as important, and we always celebrate them. However, I also agree with Dobby's point above in that not ALL people (men or women) attach the same importance to these things, but if you are somebody who DOES attach importance to them, and who tries to do nice things for your OH, then I think you also need to explain to him/her that this is important to you, and you would really appreciate them doing something that would make the day special for you. It doesn't have to involve a lot of money, just some thought, eg a spontaneous picnic on the beach (OK - I know it's February, but you get the idea)! Or even if he could arrange to cook a meal for the two of you, or if cooking isn't his thing, then arrange some sort of treat for the two of you to do together.

teaandtoast · 23/02/2018 11:22

Op doesn't sound like a spoiled brat, ffs. He bloody does, though, what with enjoying everything the op arranges for him and not reciprocating.

Thoughtless, unkind, uncaring behaviour in my book.

HotelEuphoria · 23/02/2018 11:23

I have to be honest here, but if someone put all the effort in you do all the time I would be a bit irritated. Not because I didn't appreciate the effort but because I really CBA reciprocating to that extent. A card, a present, a birthday meal, yeh great. Anything more, no thanks. All that romantic gestures and surprise weekends away? exhausting keeping up with.

We have a family member like this, she is always disappointed by what she gets on her birthday, but really Kath? My kids are in their twenties you don't need to send them a Happy Birthday Nephew/Neice card as well as a Happy Birthday Cousin card plus money, chocolate and a cake! One of them earns twice as much as she does.

You sound lovely but are setting yourself up to be disappointed.

BishBoshBashBop · 23/02/2018 11:28

He bloody does, though, what with enjoying everything the op arranges for him and not reciprocating.

Completely disagree.

I would be irritated by constant surprises like this tbh. Completely OTT.

Gifts, cards etc fine, the rest, way too much.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 23/02/2018 11:29

Op doesn't sound like a spoiled brat, ffs. He bloody does, though, what with enjoying everything the op arranges for him and not reciprocating.

But why does OP get to decide how much effort gets put into birthdays. He might well prefer that they both just get each other nice gifts for their birthdays and not go over board. I would hate to have a "nice gesture" don't for me if it came with a whole bunch of expectations that I had no say over.

TittyGolightly · 23/02/2018 11:31

every year i try to outdo myself to make him feel special.

This way lies absolute madness.

bebealpha · 23/02/2018 11:33

Oh god my husband is a bit like you. It's exhausting. He's never happy with what I have planned for him and thinks that he does so much more for me. In truth I see what he does as a complete waste of money and I would rather he didn't bother.

If you want to do something nice for your husband that's your choice. Look at what he is like generally though - is he normally thoughtful? Does he normally do things for you and generally have your best interests at heart? Not decorating your house in Poundland banners doesn't mean he doesn't love you!

bebealpha · 23/02/2018 11:35

Ps that said we normally take annual leave for each other's birthdays.

Unfinishedkitchen · 23/02/2018 11:39

Oh dear you’re going to turn into one of those martyr mothers who make a ridic song and dance about Mothers Day. The kids and DH will have to pay homage to you all day, bowing and scraping whilst you remind them of all you’ve ever done for them.

post · 23/02/2018 11:41

This isn't meant to be unkind, but do you think it might be useful to reframe it as, of the two of you, it could be you, not him, who is being un-loving?

What he's done would, generally, be seen as just what's kind and appropriate for your birthday,
plus he took note about cards from the kids, and remembered and acted on it, but (at least internally - you've not said anything about complaining to him) you've rejected all those loving gestures as not good enough?

I think the posts about love languages above could be really useful, but also, just to take some time to think about why 'romance' is so important to you - what does it mean to you?
because in the long run, it's not the same thing as love, and that pattern of trying to outdo yourself every year is kind of what it's like with romance - always the bigger hit, bigger excitement - it's hard for a long term relationship to satisfy if that's where you look for satisfaction and validation. Some people even end up being really vulnerable to the new, more exciting, more frisson -y person who comes along.
Finding ways to be really loving to yourself, AS WELL, so that all your feeling 'special' isn't dependent on someone else - do YOU think you're special?- might be really lovely for you.

ShiftyMcGifty · 23/02/2018 11:52

“But I've now come to terms with knowing that just because he's a crap gift buyer and can't arrange a piss up in a brewery doesn't mean that he's not a good man who loves me with all his heart. We just see birthdays and special occasions very differently.”

I find this utterly ridiculous. That’s not what compromise in a marriage looks like. He chooses not to modify his behaviour and his actions despite knowing it hurts your feelings. He refuses to make an effort. Who the actual fuck does that to someone they supposedly love and chose to spend their life with?

teaandtoast · 23/02/2018 11:57

I think the crux of the problem is that he seems to enjoy what she arranges, but barely reciprocates with a card.
It would be ott for me and maybe it is for him, but he hasn't asked her to stop, has he?

Original poster

Ravenclawmom · 23/02/2018 12:05

I appreciate all the replies thank you all. I'm going to read the love languages thing and see what's going on there. And I'l scale it back for his birthday. I'm spending this afternoon with friends so I'm feeling better already.

Thanks again everyone. I needed clarity and I think you've provided me with some.
Take care x

OP posts:

Trialsmum · 23/02/2018 12:10

Yes sorry, you do. He got you presents and a card, what on earth do you want as a grown adult? You can’t demand that other people are as ‘romantic’ as you, you either do it because you want to or don’t bother.

morningconstitutional2017 · 23/02/2018 12:10

I think that you're expecting too much, much too much, especially going the extra mile for DP's birthday with all those little surprises throughout the day as it's not reciprocated. Many of us don't fuss so much about birthdays, especially once we've grown up. They don't seem so special anymore and yes, we expect them to fade into the background.
Draw your expectations down a little then you won't feel so disappointed.

Baubletrouble43 · 23/02/2018 12:11

Yes you are being a spoilt brat, in answer to your question. Unless you are 4. He got cards and presents. He doesn't have to "do" birthdays your way. My ex used to ignore birthdays/anniversaries/ christmas/ valentines completely.

Nikephorus · 23/02/2018 12:17

I think the crux of the problem is that he seems to enjoy what she arranges, but barely reciprocates with a card.
But does he actually enjoy it or does he secretly think 'oh ffs, can't I just have a card and a nice dinner out, and maybe a shag if I've not overdone it on the pudding' And by all accounts he did buy presents. He just didn't go OTT.
I'd think it was nice (maybe) to have that much fuss once at the start but it just gets to be a competition where you know that whatever you do the other person isn't going to be satisfied and actually they're spending too much thought on outdoing THEMSELF the previous year and not really thinking about what you really want.

user1495443009 · 23/02/2018 12:19

You really go ott with birthdays or in a positive way the extra mile.

For me a card? Happy birthday and a pesent is enough and dinner the two of us on the weekend when we are free.

For ours 40s we did have lovely trips away

nemno · 23/02/2018 12:22

I am inwardly massively irritated by a big fuss over my birthday. Of course I don't show it. It sounds as though neither half of the OP couple actually do what the other would prefer.

Wdigin2this · 23/02/2018 12:24

Haven't read the whole thread, but to be honest, I think you should maybe reign in a little on the way you treat his birthday......it doesn't look like his attitude towards yours is going to change does it?
Maybe lighten up a bit on the whole thing!

brizzledrizzle · 23/02/2018 12:25

YABU, it's down to you to arrange things to do that are special when he is at work. Gone are the days when women wait for partners to do something because they can't do it themselves - take charge and arrange your own lovely day next year.

Jux · 23/02/2018 12:27

When you are an adult you out away childish things.

I think you treat your dh like a child on his birthday but he treats you like an adult on yours.

BadLad · 23/02/2018 12:28

Thanks again everyone. I needed clarity and I think you've provided me with some.
Take care x

Oi, you can't acknowledge that you were being a bit unreasonable yet. We haven't finished telling you off and beating you up yet.

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