am i being a spoilt brat?

[Ravenclawmom]

ok here goes, please be gentle with me mumsnetters!

I'm not a materialistic person in the slightest, never have been but it was my birthday yesterday. DP got me some gifts, all lovely no complaints there, but then I had to spend the day alone until evening time when my family came round with gifts and cards. I have been with DP a long time and i know he's not romantic in the slightest, but i am super romantic. for his birthday i arrange trips which he loves, buy personalised gifts, i plan weeks (sometimes months) in advance, i budget tighter so i have a decent amount to spend on him, i shower him with surprises throughout the day and every year i try to outdo myself to make him feel special.
last year i bought myself birthday cards from my own children because he had "forgotten" them until the morning of my birthday, he wasn't ashamed of this and looked relived when i told him i had got them and he wasn't to worry. this year he got me cards and gifts, from both him and the children, which is better than previous years but i feel very unspecial.
am i fighting a losing battle? should i just give up all hope of every feeling important?
with everyone else i feel i am always going the extra mile to make them feel special and appreciated, even when its not their birthday, and usually I'm ok with fading into the background but come on, it was my birthday, shouldn't i atleast feel a teeny bit of something?

tell me if I'm being unreasonable?

I do think some of these replies are a bit odd though. What's wrong with taking leave for your ohs birthday?

I don't know anyone that does. I wouldn't think of it for DH birthday nor him mine, unless we were going away.

If OP wanted him to have time off she needed to say. He isn't a mind reader.

He may simply be someone who finds it difficult to organise "surprises", the more so if he has to compete with what you yourself organise. I'd cut him some slack here - after all he's taken on board your complaints about having to buy cards from the children last time and you acknowledge that the gifts he's bought you are lovely. Assuming everything else in your relationship is fine I wouldn't worry. You might want to consider cutting down what you do for others - not because what you do is wrong, but because you may unwittingly be making them uncomfortable as they cannot reciprocate for whatever reason.

I can understand why it's upsetting you OP: for you, organising his birthday is what you do to show him you love him. But it's about who YOU are (romantic, demonstrative) not who he is. And (bluntly) you sound relatively unusual: I don't know many adults (outside the first few years of a relationship) who go beyond cards/present/nice meal for birthdays. Not getting cards from the kids last year was pants, but he's stepped up, got better organised. That's good: he heard that it hurt you, and changed. But to expect a day full of surprises and treats IS a bit unrealistic. If it's going to cause resentment, I would try organising a few treats for yourself (possibly with the kids - feels less weird!) - so go with them the night before to buy a nice but VERY low prep breakfast that you can all enjoy on your birthday morning. Get them to help you choose a cake, so you know you've got that coming. You may well find that they start getting into it and creating a bit more birthday impetus.

You aren't being unreasonable to come here and vent that your birthday hasn't met your expectation, but you would be slightly unreasonable to have a paddy about it IRL.

You know he doesn't 'do' birthdays. To him they just aren't important, it's just another blip in the week. To you they are important days to celebrate the birth of someone you love. It's not that he doesn't appreciate the presents and cards and lovely day trips, but honestly? I'd stop them. Or maybe just do them 'because' not because it's his birthday but because it's a lovely day or you saw something and thought of him.

I've got one of these. His parents don't celebrate birthdays much either, so he never had an expectations of them. He likes it when I do something for his, but panics so totally around meeting my expectations for mine that now I try not to see him on my birthday (we don't live together) and get a card and token gift when we finally meet up.

YABU. A bit.

You like to go completely OTT for birthdays and special occasions. He does not. You need to meet in the middle. Yes, he should probably acknowledge that certain things on your birthday will make you happy and try and do some of them, but equally you need to acknowledge that its really not that important for most people, and lower what you do.

My DM is all about 'showing' how much you care by what you give someone for a birthday ... she will shower you with gifts, tell you how much thought and effort she put into making your day special, then pretty much not give a stuff every other day of the year. She is always rather critical (in a passive aggressive way, of course!) of my DH's efforts for my birthday: I get a card from him, one from the DC (they are still young so he sorts it) and a bunch of flowers that the DC choose. And that's it. My birthday is during the summer holidays, DH is usually at work. All throughout the year he's pretty great, so i'm happy with that. My DSis's exDH would buy her jewellery from Tiffany, take her on surprise trips to NYC or European cities, buy her designer bags and shoes ... and he was shagging around behind her back. YOU are romantic, not your DH. YABU to expect him to change.

I don't take leave for birthdays!

I think YABU and possible very over the top re the birthday thing - scale his back, he probably won't even notice.

Issues like this are never really about the specifics are they? It's more about telling someone you love what you want and them not listening.

I never get flowers from my DP because he thinks they are stupid, I tell him before every occasion that I just want flowers and he never comes through. This is just one example of many things I would like but never get, sometimes I think they do what they think is best and don't quite realise that when you do something for another person you should do what THEY think is best.

It all comes down to communication, I'm slowly making progress in this area. I have realised that he is never going to be the romantic gesture type, I have to tell him what I want and ask him what he wants. My last birthday I was feeling exactly like you. I sat him down and said "Please could you arrange something for the day of my birthday, I've done it myself for years and for once I would really like to be surprised, I'm quite easygoing with what I do but I'd like to spend it with you and do something out of the house". He took this on board and arranged 3 different celebrations - a day with him, a meal with friends and a weekend away with our couple friends. He really came through for me

For the last 5 years we have agreed at the beginning of the year that I will always book his birthday off work and he will always book mine off. I don't think he is too fussed about it but it's something I wanted so I asked for it up front.

Telling him "I'd like this" does not work. Telling them "I'd like this on this date at this time" does. I send him calendar invites for key dates. Similarly I've made a huge effort to listen to him and give him what he wants on special occasions, he doesn't like fun days out that I think is best so now I set up a games night with a takeaway, invite a few of his mates over. Things like that.

thanks everyone. generally he's a decent partner, he helps with the children and the household.

being honest lately ive been feeling abit "off" like we don't seem to click, personality-wise. and I think the birthday thing has kind of proved our differences, Christmas is the same although I have bought myself presents for the past few years, the one year I never, I received nothing and my daughter thought santa had forgotten me (awkward). I don't want material things like gifts and cards, I know I mentioned cards earlier but that was for my childrens benefit not mine (they wanted cards to write for me) I would be happy with just a half decent conversation and maybe a peck on the cheek.
hes not affectionate in the slightest, I'm hugely affectionate (I can see a theme here myself).

think I need to give my head a shake and just be thankful don't I?

He sounds like a pretty typical man, if he generally treats you well then I would let it go. Try not to let it bother you and maybe don't go quite so all out with his birthday in the future.

I think you sound a bit silly and OTT he was at work....he got you lovely cards and gifts? What more do you want?

Do you take leave for your own birthday.

All sounds like one extreme to another really.

If he otherwise a good partner then it's not worth getting upset over your birthday.

In future probably best to communicate what you'd like, although I doubt he'll ever be the same as you because he just isn't. I wouldn't have the energy for all that.

If you like to be made a fuss of on your birthday then why not suggest doing something nice next year?

I really hate it, though, when someone is happy to receive lovely gifts, spend a day doing something special - all arranged by their partner - and then doesn't think for one minute that it would be nice to do the same for her. That is what's selfish.

OP, the day you had would be many MNetters' dream come true, because so many on here get nothing at all from their partners, not even a Happy Birthday greeting, but that doesn't mean that you are lucky.

You need to organise your own birthdays and then you will never be disappointed again. Book the days off - both of you - tell him to do so a year in advance and plan something you would to do.

Simple.

Waiting for him to do it, think of it, organise it, is clearly beyond him at the moment. So just accept the fact and do it yourself.

Me and my partner always take the day off for each others birthday. We will go out somewhere and have a nice pub lunch and stuff like that. It's not odd to take the day off for your partners birthday at all.

I think if you are not clear what you want (materialist or not, are cards and present enough?) then there is no way you can effectively communicate your expectations to your partner.

I am always at work on my birthday (term time) but off for DH so he often takes the day off for his birthday.

YANBU, we have been married for over 30 years. Every year we each book a day's leave for each others birthdays and go out somewhere, sometimes we go away if we have not done that for a while. I usually spend about the same on the present as the trip away/out and pay for this the two month's council tax that is not paid if you pay over 10 months. DH usually makes my birthday a big surprise and takes care to buy me something I want but find a bit too expensive. He hates shopping but some years he has taken me shopping and "acted" the perfect husband who helps chose clothes and sits in avid anticipation outside the changing room, for me to waft out and show him what I'm wearing. Now our sons are grown up they often make a surprise appearance at some point. Birthdays are special and I get great happiness out of putting together something special for DH and having him reciprocate.

He's making the standard amount of effort that the average person puts in for their other half's birthday. If it's especially important for you to have a really big deal made of it I do think you need to tell him. As for his birthday if you want to make a huge deal of it do it because you want him to be happy but I don't think you can expect him to reciprocate as it was your decision to do so much not his.

You need to read the book "Love Languages". It looks at the different ways we express love and attitudes to gift giving etc. You and your dp are probably speaking different languages!! Understanding those differences is very helpful.
I had similar issues with dh, now we both understand that we express our feelings differently it has really helped us.

Ah I don't know, I think everyone's being a little harsh. I think you should be glad he at least got you the cards etc, but what's wrong with taking holiday for each other's birthdays? What do you (he) use annual leave for? A random day in the middle of winter?
I think your last comment is more telling, if he doesn't talk to you or kiss you... are you both happy in the relationship? Is he receptive to your affection? Have you tried explaining to him how you feel, or asking him how he feels?

Love Languages! Thanks, Coughee, that's what I was thinking of. I first heard of it on MN, and it really made things more clear. OP, I do suggest you look into that.

I actually shuddered at the description of what you do for your DH on his birthday - I would find that overbearing and horrifying! And then feel terrible because clearly my partner was doing it because they loved me, so I couldn't feel like I could say anything because it would be ungrateful, but until I learned about Love Languages it wouldn't occur to me in the slightest to do the same thing back. I would probably think more like, make sure I don't make them feel as uncomfortable as they made me feel, and definitely not go overboard.

Am I'm amazed that people take leave for their partner's birthday? I can imagine it only if it was something like a Fri/Mon and associated with a weekend away. Just a random day seems odd and a very strange way to use leave.

I think you probably need to be more proactive in getting him to engage in things like birthdays etc. Tell him its coming up and you'd like to go out to dinner, ask him to book somewhere etc.

Yanbu to expect some spoilings on your birthday but if he is wired that he doesn't really think about it you need to give him a push in the right direction. (Its taken 25 years with mine but he's actually getting quite good at it)

We have a bit of a tradition of buying each other a cake, nothing expensive just a lovely chocolate cake with candles, maybe some croissants and coffee for breakfast, then a bit of lunch out.

Would that be a compromise enough for you op? At least you'd feel the day didn't pass you by.

My dh isn't romantic at all, but he's nice in other ways, and to be honest, I'd take someone who did their share of domestic chores over big romantic gestures any day.

DP and I always take each other's birthdays as leave. It's not an expectation but we always have a lovely indulgent day out together.

Sorry, YABU. Birthdays are obviously a very big deal to you, but to most adults, they aren't.
If you want them to a brilliant day, you are going to have to take matters into your own hands and book/plan something for next year.