am i being a spoilt brat?

[Ravenclawmom]

ok here goes, please be gentle with me mumsnetters!

I'm not a materialistic person in the slightest, never have been but it was my birthday yesterday. DP got me some gifts, all lovely no complaints there, but then I had to spend the day alone until evening time when my family came round with gifts and cards. I have been with DP a long time and i know he's not romantic in the slightest, but i am super romantic. for his birthday i arrange trips which he loves, buy personalised gifts, i plan weeks (sometimes months) in advance, i budget tighter so i have a decent amount to spend on him, i shower him with surprises throughout the day and every year i try to outdo myself to make him feel special.
last year i bought myself birthday cards from my own children because he had "forgotten" them until the morning of my birthday, he wasn't ashamed of this and looked relived when i told him i had got them and he wasn't to worry. this year he got me cards and gifts, from both him and the children, which is better than previous years but i feel very unspecial.
am i fighting a losing battle? should i just give up all hope of every feeling important?
with everyone else i feel i am always going the extra mile to make them feel special and appreciated, even when its not their birthday, and usually I'm ok with fading into the background but come on, it was my birthday, shouldn't i atleast feel a teeny bit of something?

tell me if I'm being unreasonable?

Why on earth is it a strange way to use leave? Surely you use leave however you like?

Now I knew a woman who used to take leave to do her ironing, that's strange, taking leave for a birthday? Not so much.

Maybe you should try it, you might actually enjoy yourself.

@murmuration The OP's husband loves it, though! He loves it for himself, but doesn't reciprocate.

Agree with a PP who mentioned the Love Languages thing..
www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

Gifts are not important to me at all. In fact I get quite annoyed if my husband buys me gifts when it's not my birthday etc. Partly because I hate mindless consumerism, but mostly because I prefer other more [in my view] meaningful expressions of love, i.e. practical support, physical touch, encouraging words, really being present when it's just the two of us... etc.

Also, I don't come from a family where gift-giving and huge celebrations for birthdays etc. was ever really a 'thing'. So it's just not the way I'm wired.

My DH, on the other hand, is a massive 'consumer' loves gadgets, games, clothes, interior stuff, shiny new cars, status symbols and so on, and his family always go LARGE on birthdays.

It has taken me many years to work it out but we do have very different 'love languages', and I try to be mindful of that, but tbh I will never really completely change, it's just how I am, and it sounds like your husband is the same.

If he is a good DH in other respects, then try to accept him for who he is, rather than change him to who you want him to be, as nothing you have written indicates to me that he doesn't love you. Rather it indicates that you have slightly unrealistic expectations of him.

The thing that stands out to me is that last year you bought your own cards and then when you pointed it out you told him not to worry. In one way that feels like you don't care too much yourself. So I think if your expecting certain things you need to be open and honest about that.

My husband does take the day off, about 7 years ago on my birthday we lost a baby (miscarriage) and since I've not really liked my birthday but because it's such a reminder I told him I wanted him off if possible on my birthdays and he does, we always do something together, it's nice. Sometimes he has to work and that's no biggie. But we communicate. I had to be very very firm this year and tell him exactly what I wanted. Which happens to be wicked tickets that we are going to see later, but I had to actually tell him. I prefer open communication, works better.

May work week just fell like that, I didn't take the day off on purpose, tbh I would've felt better had I been at work I think. We both book his birthday off as holidays because we usually spend the day doing something he loves. One year he got to fly a bloody plane, we left the house at 4am to get where we needed to be for that. we've had weekend breaks in his favourite places or places he wanted to go, we've been to gigs, festivals, museums, all over the blooming place!

I'm gonna scale it back this year, it's always been the same I don't know why this one has bothered me so much.

Thanks again. Yous really are the best people for advice!

He sounds like a decent man and a good partner and father. Just because he doesn't show his love in the same way that you do doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He's not going to change. Give yourself a talking to and try to put it to one side.
Give him an extra hug and a kiss when he gets home. Yes, you're wise to say you should be thankful for what you've got. Good luck.

You are being a spoilt brat. I was taught that you don't give to receive.

My hubby is like that as well. I loooove getting our son all creative painting mugs and so on for daddy's birthday and Christmas, and he never does it back. But he just doesn't think that far. And I actually did the same as you for Christmas, gave son paper and pens, and said I wouldn't look whist he drew me a Christmas present. And yeah, sometimes it sucks, feeling unappreciated because you don't get back what you give, but what I have learnt is this:

1, You need to "teach" him how. "Oh hunny, you know what I would love for my birthday? If you and kids made a picture I could hang in bedroom". "Do you think perhaps the kids would find it fun if they got to give me a trip to the zoo in the weekend for my birthday?" And so on. Most often, they don't know how or what to do, and it helps to give them a little nudge. After a while, he will start thinking on those lines by him self.

2, Love comes in different languages. Hubby thinks I am daft for thinking that me cleaning the whole house spick and span for when he comes home is me showing love in MY way (house has to be cleaned anyway dear?), whilst I often get annoyed that he views him taking more hours at work to get a little more income is his way of showing love (I really would rather less income, and you home more!) - but neither are wrong! You are not spoilt. You speak a different love language. So spend a little time trying to think about what he DOES do, that may be his way of showing he loves you, and then appreciate that instead. Talk with him about it, and try to see if you can understand each other's languages, and perhaps learn to speak a little of the others.

Oh, and happy birthday!

Well I can’t say from your posts if he is a decent man. Not buying anything to his wife for Christmas isn’t being decent in my books.

HOWEVER, I think he sounds like a totally facilitated man. You are going over the top for him and he clearly enjoys it. But also can’t see why he wouod be making such an effort as you are stepping in anyway (by buying your Christmas present or cards for the kids). No wonder he doesn’t make an effort. He doesn’t have to.

So I would scale back what you are doing for him. Treat him like the adult he is and let him see the disappointment when he ‘forgets’.
Stop patching things up and trying to make things work for both of you, Being romantic/affectionate/keeping the relationship alive for both of you together. He needs to do his part otherwise you are going to grow resentful. And he is likely to only realise only when it’s too late.

So much disappointment and upset is because people don't actually say what they want.
This.
If you know something in particular will make you happy then there is zero shame in asking for it (within reason). And its fine to be wired differently, as long as there is kindness on a day to day level you really dont need to mirror each other in gift giving etc.

If anyone cares so much about their own birthday when they're an adult I usually think there's something wrong with them. It's just another day to me.

ravenclaw I could have written your OP word for word (and may have done in years past!) although mine is complicated by being soon after Xmas so the whole period is fraught with emotion for us! Dh has little idea of how to fulfil my expectations and, try as I might, I struggle not to get my hopes up. We’re usually both relieved when the day is over!

I would say, tell him exactly what you want to happen. I struggle with feeling like he should know, but realistically that doesn’t do either of us any favours, so I’m going to try the direct approach. What would make the day special for you? My dh hates a fuss so assumes that others feel the same.

Why don’t you look for something to do this weekend to celebrate together/with friends? At least there is more going on in February than January, believe me!

Yabu - I think you need to look at why you feel that if you don’t get this much attention on your birthday that you don’t feel special. If he makes you feel special for the rest of the year (and I don’t mean materialistically - I mean care and attention to your feelings) than that’s great and remind yourself of that.

But I dont mean its fine not to give a gift or put any thought in at all - my Dh did that one year (not even a card)...he hasn't done it since. I give a list, its almost exclusively books, and he gets to pick. I'm happy and he's relieved.
(I have banned candles, scarves and cookery books as gifts - but thats a whole other thread.)

Love comes in different languages.
That is true.
And knowing that your partner love language is different, you should actually take that into account.
If you know that b’days are important and that your partner loves a meal with the family together or loves jewllery/a special day out... the surely you take That into account EVEN IF you aren’t keen in it or it’s not your way to show love. Because it’s all well and good to show love the way it works for you but what is the point if your partner doesn’t see it as a loving act???
Unless you are expecting your oartner to just suck it up and nit be allowed to want things in a different way than you.
Please also note, it’s women who are usually told to suck it up and just appreciate the (very little) effort that their partner has done....

OP you seem to hold gifts ( Christmas and birthdays ) very high up in your list of what makes you happy or feel loved. I find that a bit odd if I'm honest. There's so many other ways to feel like someone cares about you.

Have you talked to your DH about feeling off?

Birthdays etc are important to you. It's not that important to him and the rest of us however yanbu about the affection. I think you are conflating the two issues though. You show affection through making birthdays etc special. He may show it through generally being a good husband. If he responds to your hugs occasionally and isn't actively cold, then I do think you need to lower your expectations.

he helps with the children and the household

Helps? Is it not his house? Are they not his children? Why do you see it as ‘helps you’ rather than does his share (which I doubt he is).

I would be happy with just a half decent conversation and maybe a peck on the cheek

hes not affectionate in the slightest

How can so many of you say he sounds lovely & like decent/nice/loving DH?

He sounds like a selfish bloke who takes you for granted. It’s no wonder you feel crap 💐

To be honest, I understand your hurt. I really do. My DP last year on my 21st just didn't bother. I was 35 weeks pregnant carrying our dd. And I didn't even receive a card. He said he had no money but then bought food for himself at a restaurant. Obviously my parents paid for me. Even a £1 bunch of daffodils wouldn't have gone a miss to be honest. Just the thought. An then he got pissed off because I cried all day. No one bothered. Not even my dad. I always make such an effort on his birthdays. But after my 21st last year, I told myself dp could fuck off. I bought him an xbox for Christmas last year and I got nothing so it really pissed me off. His birthday is a few days after so I didn't bother at all and I went and spent time with dd all day. I wanted him to understand the hurt.
My birthday is in 3 weeks as is mother's day. I'm not expecting anything. It upsets me but because I live with him, I've basically cancelled my birthday. Took it off social media and told family not to bother. Any money I get will be put on the debt he put me in.

My advice is to make a day for yourself x

Did you expect him to take the day off for your birthday? Literally nobody I know does this

Eh?! Me and the husband take the week off for my birthday! I don’t tell another soul it’s my birthday though and we use it to hunker down and have some fun together.

OP he’s never going to be the person you want him to be and maybe it’s time to scale back the treats for him. He’s obviously not bothered even if he does enjoy them.

Also do something for yourself. Everyone deserves to do something just for themselves whether it’s organised for them or it’s diy.

if he responds to your hugs occasionally and isn't actively cold, then I do think you need to lower your expectations,

I'm sorry, that's such a sad thing to read ./ is that enough ?!?

Two my advice to you from the little you’ve shared is to LTB tbh.

We always both take the day off for our birthdays and make a huge and ridiculous fuss.

I've never really got the downplaying of birthdays on MN.

Ps 'helping with the children and household'? This is not a plus point. He should be doing this.

if he responds to your hugs occasionally and isn't actively cold, then I do think you need to lower your expectations,

Why?
Why should anyone live a life that would make them miserable by lowering expectations just because their DP can occasionally bother to make an effort?
I’m sure that the OP, any woman, actually anyone, is worth more than that.

You have to lower any expectations - it's the only way. I've always made a huge fuss about birthdays as they were important in my family - DH never had that so to him, it's a day on a calendar. I've had many birthdays where I've gone to bed in tears and feeling very unloved due to his thoughtlessness. But I've now come to terms with knowing that just because he's a crap gift buyer and can't arrange a piss up in a brewery doesn't mean that he's not a good man who loves me with all his heart. We just see birthdays and special occasions very differently.